Sunday, October 30, 2016

I have found the love

I live at High Park area of Toronto in a small, 550 sq feet, one bedroom, cozy apartment. I'm a simple, straightforward guy and I don't like complications and anything that creates over thinking. I try to live a simple life.... but let cut this prep talk... I am in love!

I have to admit I have feelings for the Dreamer. I want to touch her, kiss her and be with her. She stole my heart so innocently, with care and grace and perfect negligence.

Differences between us are still here, but we are in relationship. I feel that she has changed towards me a lot. Although, she is focused on her kids and family problems and the thought of falling in love even a little bit makes her uneasy. There’s a great chance that, we can be a nice couple.

Maybe she's simply afraid of opening herself up. I don't know.

Friday was the best day of this year. I took a day off the work. In the morning I met the Dreamer. In the afternoon I went for a walk, it was a beautiful sunny day. I had haircut. In the evening I went for a dinner at friends house. We stayed until 2:15 in the morning. Crazy.

On Saturday I was not at home all day. I visited a friend and we went to Winners. I bought a jeans, pajamas, yoga shorts which is actually swimming shorts and various other clothes for the work. Then I went to WallMart and bought all ingredients for the magical drink I am starting to take. In the evening I met another friend at Kennedys and we had couple of Guinnesses. Did not stay too long, at 10 pm I was back home.

I am not a nutritionist or a dietitian. I am not a yoga trainer, a coach or a fitness expert of any kind. Please do not consider anything you read here to be advice from an expert. At present my weight is 87 kg, I want to lose 3 kg. It is so simple - I have to consume fewer calories than what I burn.

I am starting yoga intensive project, 30 days of everyday yoga in November, and the results will be seen in short period of time, otherwise I'm easily discouraged and I quit the endeavor.

Healthy eating with no sugar and bread in diet, yoga and gym exercises and drinking the magical drink will put me into desired shape. The magical juice is designed to raise the metabolism. It is a blend of a cucumber, bunch of parsley, a lemon, a tablespoon of grated fresh ginger root,and Aloe Vera juice.

Cucumbers contain only forty-five calories, along with a high water and fiber content. Parsley is also low in calories, and high in vitamins, minerals and antioxidants. It does not cause bloating or feelings of discomfort within the stomach. Lemons help to flush out toxins the body has collected over the course of the day. This process rids the body of its impurities, thus increasing the metabolism so that it may burn away stomach fat at a higher speed. Ginger root prevents constipation. Aloe Vera Juice is rich in antioxidants which greatly reduce inflammatory processes and free radicals within the body.

These are the things that concerns me at the present moment.

November starts, the new opportunities are here. Every step in life is necessary. Nothing is ever wrong. I learn from every experience I had, although I repeat some mistakes. Whatever I did was a necessary step for the future. Maybe I'm not as good as I want to be but thanks to all the lessons I've learned along the way, I'm so much better than I used to be.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Take the red pill and stay in Wonderland

... stay in Wonderland and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

I'm trying to stay away from the rat race of the Matrix. I personally define the Matrix as a set of beliefs, cultural norms, attitudes, and conditioned states which are prevalent throughout society.

I don't watch TV, don't follow sports, don't read newspapers; I despise politics and politicians, don't vote for any party; I don't go for social gatherings, don't walk for cancer cure, don't rush to save the trees, the bees, the whales.

It took me a long time to admit that I don't like to travel. In fact, I'm pretty close to saying I hate it. For years I said I liked it without really thinking about it, because I had the vague sense that it was part and parcel of being an educated, intelligent person. Right now I'm pretty sure that I'm not so intelligent so I can freely say if I have to travel, it mostly feels like punishment.

I do travel, of course. I enjoy things like seeing family and friends, and if that involves travel, then fine. I can cope with the horror of flying for the fun of visiting my home country.

I like to get out of my condo. I like day trips and walking because I am so happy to be back to home at night. I don't like overnight trips - two days of activities and one night in a strange bed. I can't stand it.

I see no excitement seeing new places especially cities. I have never been and I'll never be in London, Paris, Rome, New York, Los Angeles, etc.. I don't have a wish to visit Las Vegas; Exploring streets, wandering though city, checking out the restaurants, museums, zoos... it's all bullshit.

So what I'm doing...

I'm starting 30-day yoga intensive. 

I'll practise every day, a half primary ashtanga yoga in November. I will do yoga on Sunday's and moon days too. I'm not setting unrealistic expectations, I commit to the goal that I can accomplish.

Winter is coming I want to increase the strength, energy and well being. This isn't my first yoga intensive. In October last year I have done the same thing.

The core of the 30 day challenge is a commitment. It means a promise to myself and following through on it. It means stepping out from the Matrix, breaking the laziness and old wimpy excuses. It means 60 minutes yoga sweating each day.

It means going to bed very early, around 9 pm, and getting up early, at 5 am. It means slowing down other tasks; It means changing the priorities and do the thing which others consider less important.

It calls for a simple life.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Do whatever the f*ck you want

I'm tired and hungry and I'm looking around. What I see is the normal everyday life.

Nothing is really wrong... Until I think there is something wrong. Then there is.

So now, for some reason, I think there is. 

I see that what I had always considered normal life is actually a bit strange and that nothing is quite what I thought.

I have taken a step back from my life, one small step, and I'm confused by what I see.

I slip into this life that is laid out for me the way a foot slip in the shoe. I decide nothing, I don't live my life by choice, but by default. I play the roles I am born to. I don't know any better, and I don't know the reason why I don't know any better.

I seem to dwell in an endless desert in which I only I and my thirst exist. I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time chasing happiness. As I examine my situation, I find it odd that I resemble Willie The Coyote, and that my entire life is just like a cartoon.

Pretty weird huh?

How did I not see this before? In fact, now that I do see it, I can't believe I ever didn't see it, much less that I've gone my entire life without noticing - I am a cartoon coyote in a cartoon desert chasing cartoon happiness.

Why am I chasing the happiness? Why does my entire existence revolve around such a ridiculous endeavour? What drives me for that? Is it hatred? Love? Lust? Personal achievement?

I'm seeing my life as a lie. 

It’s not like I have anything against happiness, love, or success, or personal achievements or being nice, smiling more, eating healthy, losing weight, being your best, or embracing the day with a positive attitude. Those all sound great. Honestly, they do.

It’s just that I have a problem with being told to do all of those things by someone laughing on a tropical island, waving a red scarf around head, while some professional photographer snapping the picture. Whatever.

I am coming to the end of this post, that I want to share with you. And I have a message for you...

Do whatever the fuck you want.

Be your damn self. Don’t be a terrible person. Be nice to others. Be supportive of your friends...

But seriously, do whatever the fuck you want!

Do you want glass of beer? Then just drink a fucking beer. Do you want a peace of chocolate? Don’t be gross about it, and don’t eat a chocolate three meals a day. But I beg you stop beating yourself up about it and just eat.

Do. Whatever. The Fuck. You Want.

The life is your show. It is your universe.

Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, you are completely on your own. Everything is available to you. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary for your success.

If you understand that, you will understand that it is the best news you could possibly receive.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

What is the meaning of life?

In the beginning, God created the Earth, and He looked upon it in His cosmic loneliness... And then God created every living creature out of dust, and one was man.  
"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked.
"Everything must have a purpose?" 
"Certainly," said man.
"Then I leave it to you to think about it." 

And here I am, thinking about the biggest question. However you phrase it - What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Who Am I? What is true?

People take that the meaning of life involves some kind of joke, if you asked them, they respond with nervous laugh and an attempt to change the subject. To some, this question is threatening, too unnerving to dare to say anything sincere or serious and so laughter seems the only safe response.

We simply do not know what is the meaning of all this. We don't know why we are here and what is our purpose. There are various theories but all of them are just hearsay.

Nature seems to be a purposeless and meaningless machine. Did we pay for our new mental freedom by sacrificing the meaning of our existence? Partially knowledgeable man stands alone, uprooted in an icy universe, lost in the chain of generations which arose from nothing, and become nothing. What is the purpose of it all? Is this the desired purpose of understanding, the last great answer to all questions asked of nature? Man has “experimented” himself out of a Godly order, away from an inner feeling of security. . . . He has made a taboo of the question of the meaning of human life—its portal has been nailed shut with planks. He no more dares to touch it, because he fears to find the dismal answer that our life has no meaning at all.- Carsten Bresch

The life has no meaning unless you want to fool yourself. All creation boils down to two things: Awareness and appearance.

Awareness is unchangeable so it is true, appearance is ever changing and it is just belief, not true. Consciousness is also content of awareness and albeit very close to it, unfortunately it is temporary, so it is not true.

Awareness or so called, God, the Absolute, Parabrahman, basically has no name. It is "not this, not that". It is perfection. And there is a problem. Imagine that we live in perfect universe on a perfect planet... what will we do? Look at... Water flowing? Grass growing? Planet spinning? How about shaping the rocks and wind shaping the mountains? How about looking at ocean and waves?

How long could you watch a nature?

You'd turn into a drooling idiot before lunch.

Boredom is the problem God trying to solve and the perfection of existence isn't solving it and there is no possibility of imperfection to spice things up. God is itself the perfection.

So, that's the setup. Perception, despite not existing, must perform the vital but impossible function of amusing the Awareness. This is impossible because the Awareness is not capable of being finite and imperfect. Chaos is not possible, flaws and errors are not possible, irrationality and inadequacy are not possible. Nonsense is not possible. The whole Universe created from the Awareness is perfect, there is no problem.... And that is the problem.

So lets there be something when there is nothing. And thus was born the illusion of appearance! And thus was born the illusion of time, energy, matter, space, causality, duality and life. With life, the illusion of man and his ignorance came around.

Sunday, October 23, 2016


The word "Ashtanga" is a modern construct, historian and anthropologists still debate its meaning. 

It is a specific kind of yoga who began as mythology and became flesh in tribal ceremonies of Ashtanga yoga around the globe. Part human, part animal, part divine, part profane - Ashtanga first emerges in cave paintings eighteen thousand years ago (Patanjali's yoga don't appear until nine thousand years later, and South Park many years after that).

Carl Jung believed Ashtanga was a manifestation of the collective unconscious. (Of course, he believed that about everything). Jung said Ashtanga "is a forerunner of the saviour". This Jung's definition fits what anthropologists call a Yoga Hero, an archetype who, through the 99% of practice, develops into God. 

Ashtanga mirrors the eternal desire of our limited mind to explain the Universe. 

I don’t have the answers, about yoga, divorce, dating, losing belly fat or why are women over 40 losing interest for sex... However, I have learned one thing, daily practice of Ashtanga is what counts.

Ashtanga Yoga today is not favorite style of yoga. 

When I tell my friends to start doing Ashtanga yoga, I always say, they'll feel so good! They'll be so relaxed after the practice and they'll lose the weight... What I don’t tell them is that most of the times daily Ashtanga practice makes you feel tired and empty. You are supposed to practice six times a week. And daily practice is hard. And it’s called a "practice" for a reason.

There's no end game in Ashtanga; no big "accomplished day,” nothing specific you’re training for, nothing to achieve. It’s a constant hard work in progress, you can always go deeper into a pose, extending your ligaments and stretching muscles further to make the pose more challenging.

When you start daily practice, you'll feel the wrist pain. Next, you will notice that your immune system is being cleaned. By daily sweat you'll start throwing away toxins from your body. In the first six months of the practice you may be constantly on the verge of sickness.

Ashtanga is not about strength so much as it is about keeping attention on breath. It is a kind of a moving meditation. Daily practice and endless repetition of the same poses build the strength very slowly. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts.

Ashtangis are working consciously towards awakening. 

Most of us are no longer certain what our "outside" purpose is. What drives the world no longer drives us. Seeing the madness of our world so clearly, we may appear somewhat alienated from the culture around. We stick to our practice and we are no longer run by the ego, yet the awakening has not yet become fully integrated into our lives.

Only what we have is Ashtanga as a product of our will and self-determination. The practice has no reliance on or cooperation with God, teachers, gurus, swamis or any other agent, only authority is our inner self.

Ashtanga does not increase self-esteem, it does not give self-satisfaction or any self-improvement. We have no assurance of reward in this practice. There is only the practice... physical, sweaty and boring and there is no better place for the practice than here and no better time than now.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Starting Online Dating

You are a single guy so you've decided to try the Online Dating. You have been alone for too long and it is the time for you to get to the scene.

You register on the online dating site, upload your best looking photos, filled out gibberish as your profile, mention something boring about the things you love, list some books you like, list sports you do and then sit back, kick your feet up, and wait for the messages to roll in. Right?

You expect your inbox filled with messages, notes of the likes and winks from women who find your taste “refreshing”. You will chose the best looking one and invite her for a drink or dinner. After she said "yes", you put on some nice shirt, plunge out into the unknown, meet a stranger, and after an hour of slightly pleasant conversation, you grab the check. You ended up at your place or you part away with kisses, and you set up next date probably in a three or four days. You are happy, happy online dater.

But, that is in the perfect world, the reality of online dating is something else.

The online dating is a game. Wake up and be realistic if you didn't know this. You've got to keep on playing, till you hit the right combination, the winning one, and you end up on a perfect date with the woman of your dreams.

It seems like a no brainer, but you as you are now is the one of the biggest setbacks you have to overcome. Playing this Game involves personal changes.

Speak with your friends, especially females and ask them what they think how can you change your appearance to look more attractive. They will tell you. Looking yourself through others eyes is good in this case. Write down what they say. Is it changing the clothes, or hairstyle or whatever.

Do it. Follow up with them again. The point is to see yourself realistically like others see you.

Okay, lets start...

Your Profile

Are you clear what do you want. What kind of person you want to attract? What is your relationship goal? Write honestly. Be yourself, be confident, be realistic and open-minded. Write your preferences but keep your expectations grounded in reality.

Write your profile in an easy manner... do not complicate things. Don't lie. Be simple to the point.

You need to remember you are only going to be concerned about 5% of the women on the dating site. The other 95% are there to weed through, sort out, and throw away (delete the emails from them).

Know what do you want, keeping focus on your goal.

Choose Photos Strategically

In online dating, the pictures are the first line of connection. Think about the message you're sending. Your pics dictate how potential dates view you, so be proactive and decide what image you want to project.

If you aren't sure how your profile and photos looks/reads, ask a friend to proof read it.

Your First Message

Writing the first message is tricky and writing a lot is usually a sign of a deep lack of confidence. Don't feel that she isn't interested in what you're saying, dude, she is on the site for the reason. Start as a friend and equal.

Read her profile. Be funny but avoid being cheesy - aim your joke at something you both have in common - perhaps something in her profile - maybe a movie?

Look through her interests, favorite foods, her job and try and spark up conversation based on what she's into.

Avoid suggesting a face-to-face meeting in your first message, instead stick to something you've seen on their profile - do you share the same music taste? Has she seen your favorite band live?

a) prove you read her profile,
b) start a conversation about stuff you share in common,
c) reinforces further that you're interested what she thinks, not just her look, by asking more about the stuff she's interested in.

Never ever compliment her looks. Those messages are shallow and meaningless. End the message skillfully... I would like to read your palm and tell you what future holds for you, is great example.

Ask one or two questions. Some guys make the mistake of firing off a long list of questions about a whole range of topics. This is too much for her.

Stick with one or two low-pressure questions that make it easy for her to respond quickly because she'e interested.

Her profile is one big list of conversation topics.  Just pick one detail you think is cool, or you're genuinely curious about, and ask her about it.

Analyse her profile and photos

You have seen her and you think you’re going to meet her as a thin, blonde, beautiful woman, well don't be so sure! More than half of women lie about their looks. Simply they post old photographs on their profile. Yes, surprise surprise! 

It is the online dating reality, a shameful dishonesty from people looking to find their true match. 

Some women are lying about their looks. Do they really think that when they finally encounter you in person, that it won’t be immediately obvious that they are four years older, two cup sizes smaller, couple inches shorter and about 20 pounds heavier than they show on her picture?

Perhaps they assume their personalities will magically make up for the fact they do not look anything like the picture that was posted online.

Before you decide to contact her analyse her profile and carefully look at her photos. Photos can tell you a lot about your potential date. 

 - No photo or a face covered with hair are a sign that she probably has something to hide, or else she is not really serious about dating, she only wants to go for free drinks and dinners.

 - If she has only one photo with face only, you should be very careful and ask for full figure photo before the actual date.

 - If she has more than 10 photos, it means she is completely self-absorbed.

 - All her photos are cut out from photos with another people? Well, that’s a huge red flag on so many levels. Such photos are lies, lies and lies.

 - Is there someone or something else in her photo? It’s good to have outside interests. But if her dog, friends, car or even her kids are in her photos, it may tell you a little about where you’ll stand in the scheme of things.

Anyway, by reading her profile you can feel that something is not right. Please understand.. everything you have thought of being wrong, it will be wrong. The picture lie you can spot in the first few seconds of seeing her, the other lies you will notice later on... so good luck.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

While waiting to die... by Charles Bukowski

Listen to parents. Go to school. Get a job. Toil through eight or nine hour days. Go home. Go to work. Get married. Make kids. Go to work. Go home. Get divorced. Go to an empty house and eat leftovers while watching re-runs. That's it.

Charles Bukowski ~ ♡ ~ What matters most...

We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. 

If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery - isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.  

I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, Jesus Christ, now what?

We waited and waited. All of us. Didn't the shrink know that waiting was one of the things that drove people crazy? People waited all their lives. They waited to live, they waited to die. They waited in line to buy toilet paper. They waited in line for money. And if they didn't have any money they waited in longer lines. You waited to go to sleep and then you waited to awaken. You waited to get married and you waited to get divorced. You waited for it to rain, you waited for it to stop. You waited to eat and then you waited to eat again. You waited in a shrink's office with a bunch of psychos and you wondered if you were one. 

Nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Back, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice. 

I am not interested with what most people want to do - mostly with my time. 

I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go.  

Life is primarily about our minute sensations... Our presence to them is like an inner instrument that allows us to know what is good for us. Even the meaning we give our life needs to be evolved from, to be congruent with our sensations. It's all about the little inner things really. Remember that life is to be lived from within because the world is but a mirror. 

We have come so far and gone nowhere. We have lived so long and hardly at all. 

For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. 

...and those who succeed know this secret: there isn't one.  

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death. They don't honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries and they can't hear it. Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Sex, it is disgusting... like animals

Women are not the same and there are exceptions, but according to my own observation, nearly 70% of women of age 40 and up suffer from lost of sexual desire. The sex drive usually decline after the birth of the child, somewhere in late 30ties.

"I just became less and less interested in sex," says 42 years old Lisa mother of two. "Eventually, it wasn't on the agenda at all. Not that I wasn't interested in the idea - but it just didn't do anything for me. My answer was to throw myself wholeheartedly into my business and everything else, so I wouldn't think about the problem."

When a woman loses interest in sex, the impact on her partner can be serious.

"There is no question that this is causing depression and a whole host of headaches, pains and other apparently unconnected physical problems," says Mike Perring, a GP and sexual psychotherapist. "Good sex is part of general well-being for most people."

To simplify things, most of the women over 40 just don't like sex. Such women do have sex with a guy in the beginning of the relationship to "catch him," but once they "have him", they don't feel that they have to have sex anymore. For women such as these, sex is a weapon they use, and not a fun activity they enjoy.

Back in May I had conversation on with a nice looking 40-something lady...

Why she lost her desire for sex is a mystery. The sexual intercourse, sexual desire and in the end the satisfaction... it is disgusting, like animals. Sexual thoughts, erotic fantasies, and daydreams are not on her agenda.

Guy gets her flowers, girl gives him head!

As a teenager said...  "I'm sorry, but I'm really sick of this stupid stereotype. Don't get me wrong, I love pleasing my man with some BJ, but I don't fucking want flowers."

Women after 40, do want flowers.

Friday, October 14, 2016

...lets meet at 9. That's how the great time starts

One of our favorite places... The Pravda, Toronto

Friday... Yooohooo!!! 

This morning I woke up tired, well nothing unusual. I did yoga practice at 9 am and tomorrow is the moon day so there will be the well deserved rest. No, I'm not going to write you why Ashtanga yogis don't practice yoga on the moon days, find the answer for yourself... Google it.

I'm a rich guy, not because I have money, I don't, I'm rich because I have so many good friends. When I was married I didn't have friends. There were two families we went to or they came to us and that's it. So when I got divorced and started to live on my own, I was really, really alone.

I left my daughter and the Ex in July 2013, rented an apartment on High Park and started living a life of a divorced man. I had neither a cell phone nor a car and without friends I was pure example of the tragedy of divorce.

Innumerable books, internet articles and self-help programs are out there to help you get out of this terrible condition of divorce. But I have to confess something. Inside myself I was changed, I was finally free and happy.

In September 2013, I met my friends. I went to beer night and they were there. All divorced, happy and cheerful. They accepted me as one of their own. We had so many similarities and life experiences. Just as me, they did not have girlfriends and our main objective become to find one. So we started going out to the pubs and clubs...

Last night I met with my friends in Brindleys, the English pub on Jane street and we had couple beers. The atmosphere of the pub was great. After that we were so hungry so we came to my apartment and I made baked potato late dinner, it was around 1 am. My friend slept over at my place, I left to sleep after 2 am.. Crazy, but what a life!

My girlfriend, the Dreamer, is still in Europe and she'll be back on Sunday. So all my free time now I'm spending with my friends...

Being divorced is so often mixed with the loneliness, of being deserted and abandoned. Fortunately this is far from truth. The divorced people enjoy a larger network of friends than married couples which btw also can suffer from feelings of loneliness.

People change. Circumstances change. We grow, we move, we evolve. I understand. I can count on my friends and that's the whole point of having them.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Ashtanga Yoga Led Primary Series Class

I am practicing Ashtanga yoga for the last 10 years. I am 51 years old and I still do full primary series. For how long I don't know. I am not an advanced practitioner, far from it. I do struggle and here is the post about that. :)

My muscles are sore and I feel tired this morning. Last night I was on led full primary series in the local studio. The class was at 6:00 PM, it was packed, there were more than 20 people and energy was high. During the class, I tried to place my attention on mula bandha. It is really hard...

We started with the chant followed by Sun Salutations... 5 A and 3 B. I'm not quite sure what is the reason but nowadays at the lead primary class it is always 3A+3B or 5A+3B. I was taught that it should be 5A+5B. Anyway, in sun salutations I was stretching myself and I enjoyed the movements.

Padagustasanas, Trigonasanas and Parsvakonasanas were strong and I did it with precision and long breaths. I kept contracting mula bandha while I was pulling my stomach in. Teacher counted a long 5 breaths in each pose and my heart-rate increased.

I calmed the breath in Prasarita poses and Parsvotanasana. In Prasarita, my head is just an inch from the floor. Since I started daily practice, here, I see the most improvement. I'm hoping by next month or so I'll be able to touch the floor with my head.

In Uthita-hasta-padangustasanas my standing leg was not straight and I was fighting with the balance. Teacher counted so slowly and I lost balance and touched the floor couple of times. I was breathing heavily and mula bandha was nowhere to be found.

I did the modification for Ardha-badha-padmotanasana, I bend the knee and touched the floor with my both hands. I was feeling pain like something pulling out from the hips. Indeed, good hip opener but very unpleasant pose.

Utkatasana and Virabidrasanas were okay. I was breathing heavily and my legs were trembling. Long five breaths on each side so I felt we are in the poses forever. I could hardly wait to sit down. I noticed that I don't bend the legs enough like in sun salutation B.

Breathing heavily and sweating like in the rain, I sit in Pashimotanasanas. I tried to engage mula bandha as hard as I could. I used long ujai breathing in order to calm the heart. In Urvatasana I was refreshed and strong.

In Janu-sirsasanas I tried to save the energy as much as I can. Long inhalation and exhalations in the poses and strong arms in vinayasas. I used blocks for the vinayasas. I am learning jump back and now I can lift myself up, do the rolling and extend my legs back. For now, I can do that only with the blocks. Then I put blocks on the side and do jump through but that is not even close to how should be.

Maryachasana A was okay, B - done with modification, C - just stop sigh, I can not bind as I use to do it before (stomach fat issue), and D - done with modification.

Navasana, 5 times, 5 long counts, with straight legs. On the third time I started trembling and shaking, my heart started to beat faster... First time since we started the practice I was feeling tired. Yes I was accustomed to half primary class. But here I have to continue.

Bujapidasanas and kurmasana are out of my comfort zone so I did just modification, mimicking the poses. I was breathing heavily and I tried to reconnect with the ujai breathing and keep a kind of pressure on mula bandha.

I don't know how I did Pindasana and Kukutasana, I simply don't remember those poses. My mind went blank. My breath returned in Badha Konasanas and Padagustasanas. I felt a bit recovered from tiredness, my breathing become normal and I performed Setu-bandasana okay. I even did chakrasana.

Urdva Dandursana was performed 3 times with five breaths. I was quick and I did not follow teacher's count but I did it three times. I went straight to forward bend, my heart wanted to go out of the chest. The back-bend was so intense and I almost strengthen my hands. I felt warm and flexible.

I calmed the breath in Sarvagasana and Halasana. I was feeling the panic in pindasanas. My stomach was pressing me. OMG such a large stomach I have. I can see it clearly in these poses. Matsyasana was okay and I did Utana-padmasana too. I like those poses, they feel good for the back.

Sirsana - 15 breath counts. I was strong and I supported the pose by arms and elbows and very little by the head. I can not stand more than 15 breaths in the pose due to such balance or rather an imbalance, I am not relaxed into the pose.

I can not sit in the lotus position so Yoga-mudra, Padmasana and Utplithi were done with cross-legged modification. I was exhausted and when we stand for the last sun salutation I was so shaky. But my mind was quiet.

Shavasana I did not think. I did not have the power to think. I just lied down observing my trembling muscles.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Ashtanga Yoga is not fun

I read somewhere on the net this simple question:

Where did you get this idea that your yoga practice has to be fun?  

True. Why should yoga practice be fun? Sharath says we should enjoy our practice, but it does not mean the practice is a "fun" thing. And it is not "fun" thing. It is hard work.

In Toronto Body Mind blog a yoga teacher Shareen describes the ashtanga practice in details. She said - Ashtanga yoga is certainly not something you choose to do if you are merely looking for entertainment, or for a social activity, or even for “Madonna arms”.

"Fun" is not what comes to mind when you mention Ashtanga yoga.

Anyone who’s done this practice knows that heart starts pumping after completing just the sun salutations at the beginning of the practice and that itself is quite challenging. And anyone who’s ever gone all the way through the standing and sitting sequence up to navasana, half primary, or attempted the complete full primary series understands what effort and strength are all about.

What’s the main message yoga studios want to give to the people about yoga practice?

Just have fun!

Well, that should be the main reason why ashtanga yoga is not so popular in yoga studios.

I always try to remind myself that ashtanga practice is not about how hard I work, but how effortlessly I work. It’s not about big movement, but about subtleties and the saving of energy.

Ashtanga is not for everybody. Most people do not like it. It is the repetition of the same postures that makes ashtanga yoga so unpopular. People want varieties, freedom of the movement, music, heat etc...

Ashtanga yoga teachers do not have a great sense of humor. In the best ashtanga class you hear only counting of breaths and occasionally inhale and exhale and that's it. There is no "Connecting energy to the earth" or "Let the light fill your head". No such things in the ashtanga class.

Anyway, regardless of everything, today I did my practice according to my schedule. I woke up at 6 AM, had a coffee. I turned on the Max's lead primary class and I started the practice around 7 AM. Very fast 5A and 3 B sun salutations, all standing and sitting postures up to navasana, performed all vynasas. I finished the practice with longer than usual closing sequence. I want to do back bending with 5 bridges (urdhva danurassana).

Tomorrow is next practice. 99% Practice, 1% Theory.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

An Emotionally Unavailable Person

While I was reading this article on Elephant Journal: 7 Warning Signs You Could Be Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Man (or Woman)! I got goosebumps.

I'm a simple, straightforward guy and I don't like complications and anything that creates over thinking. I have a difficult time finding a right girlfriend. The commitment is not in my nature. I have a very hard time settling down, and it will take really remarkable woman to keep me around. Does that makes me an emotionally unavailable person?

The article starts so innocently...

These days, it’s easy to have a relationship with someone who you think you have a future with—only to find out that it is really a dead-end romance. Quite often the discovery you make is that the other person is emotionally unavailable or just commitment-phobic.

The author describes reasons of the emotional unavailability...

People can be unavailable for serious love relationships for both healthy and unhealthy reasons. They may have suffered through a troubled childhood experience that has wounded them or they now have higher priorities such as their career or taking care of a sick parent. Perhaps, they are recently divorced or widowed, and legitimately not ready to get involved in an intimate relationship. Then, there are those who are too afraid of taking the risk of falling in love because they have been hurt too much in their previous relationships.

The article then starts to enumerate the signs of an emotionally unavailable person...

1. A Real Charmer. Look out for the person who is quick to flatter and compliment you without really knowing you. Often these people “do” charming (as opposed to “being” charming) and are adept at communicating and appearing enthusiastic and enthralled. It’s a well-rehearsed act. Their focus is on short-term intimacy, appearing to be open, revealing and vulnerable. In reality they prefer the chase to the catch.

I do appear enthusiastic especially on the beginning of relationship. I always trust that a new beginning will bring something different and a new woman is the one right for me.

I've lost a lot of relationships in my life. It all started with divorce. I was "happily" married for 22 years and I have never cheated on my wife. In last three years, after the divorce, I do have 14 relationship failures. Is there a trophy for that?

2. What They Say. Often emotionally unavailable people will say, “I’m just not good at having a relationship,” or, “I don’t think I’m ready for marriage.” Believe them! In this case, they are not lying. But don’t fall into their trap: there is something terribly seductive about trying to be “the one” who turns them around. Don’t try. Accept their negative pronouncements. This may be the first and only time you’ll hear them speak the truth (as they know it).

This hits me hard. I'm a mixture of fearless man who adores freedom and undisciplined child who make so many mistakes. I'm very easy to be understood. Being confident, spontaneous and independent, I want to be in charge.

I do things for myself, like writing this blog. I don't want to prove anything to anybody. As uncomplicated, bold, aggressive and impulsive, I'm perceived as selfish, insensitive, often so blunt and impatient. So be it.

3. Watch Out for Perfectionists. Emotionally unavailable people tend to be perfectionists, always looking for the fatal flaw or character defect that gives them permission to exit a relationship and move on. In reality, they are debilitated by their own self-criticism and fear of being rejected. They are so frightened of intimacy that eventually they’ll find an excuse for leaving a relationship. (The booby prize is thinking that you’ll ever be good enough to meet their impossible standards.)

Most divorced women over 40 have either spoiled personality or no personality at all. I paid so much physical and mental energy as well as financially, being in a relationship with those women. It makes me wonder, why is sex so expensive?

Don't get me wrong, I think I am really naive and plane stupid. I don't want a family so I am not looking for a perfect woman. I deal with these boring, divorced 40-something, imperfect females.

4. Self-Centered Behavior. Beware of someone who operates the relationship as if it should revolve around them. These individuals set the agenda for a relationship, control it, and won’t be inconvenienced by having to modify their routine or the plans they’ve made. This type of emotionally unavailable person is commitment-phobic, and not relationship-oriented. They are inflexible and loathe having to compromise.

It's okay, I can take this one... It always surprise me that the world doesn't revolve around me. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten a text message that there is a larger world out there outside of myself. Looking at the world purely from my own perspective I see that I am caring, compassionate, team player, and an overall good guy and here deep down in my heart there is a strong thirst for independence.

Every time my girlfriend hinted about spending more time with me I felt cold and sick to the heart. I don't wish to leave my freedom of being single for commitment of being with someone.

5. Sexually Fast. Beware of a person who wants to become sexually familiar quickly. Often they are seducers just looking for another conquest. Or, if they are over-focused on sex it may be because they don’t feel they have anything else to offer. Once the relationship becomes too intimate, they’ll cut and run.

I am 51 years old. What I need to wait for? For access to woman's pussy I have to listen over and over their boring and empty social observations, calm down their worries, manage their stress, deal with their whining of insecurity and fight with their craziness and menstrual problems.

The very moment the woman asks me to sit and listen to her, to have "the talk", to discuss her needs, desires and frustrations, wanting to know what I was really thinking and feeling, I felt uncomfortable...

6. Complains about Past Relationships. In a discussion about their past relationships, they will denigrate their former partners. Their relationship break-ups are never because of their behavior or the problems they created. The failures of their unsuccessful partnerships are always based on the faults of their exes. They lack the maturity to take responsibility for their mistakes in their past relationships.

This is so simple. After my divorce, I did not met a single woman worth the extra effort. Simply they required more than they had to give.

7. Elusive Conduct. They seem to be available only when it’s convenient for them. Your requests for more time with them are met with excuses about how hard they’re working or how tired they feel. Even after a seemingly intimate weekend, they can disappear for long periods with no regular contact. Their actions are incongruent with their words. It’s easy for them to utter an, “I love you,” and then act in a way that is unloving.

Definitely true. What I have to do? I have to deal with them like a hero, not voicing my frustrations and disappointment.

The author finishes with recommendation to the women who are going to date an emotionally unavailable guy...

On the other hand, if you realize you’ve been fooling yourself or ignoring the “red flags” that have been there all along—don’t waste time trying to convert or change them. Just accept that they are not a fit for you. This will take discipline on your part, but it will save you from great emotional disappointment and allow you to be free to meet someone for a healthier relationship that has a future. The choice is yours.

After reading this article I've concluded that I'm not good for relationship. After divorce, my goal is to be emotionally independent of other people. It is hard for me to love again.

Everyone wants more of life. Everyone strives for something. Everybody wants to be loved.

In LOVE we're businessmen, investors, used to cutting our losses - in a consumer's world we live. Everything is an "investment," and the guarantees. We fall in love but only if we're loved back. When we don't love anymore, we hate.

The author of this article has forgotten that our LOVE is merely hysteria. We are far from affectionate beings, we have become heartless.

Monday, October 10, 2016

ZMARK BLOG is on Facebook and Google +

I don't have a turkey for lunch today, I live alone and I don't cook fancy meals.

The weekend was so-so. I went to Kennedy's on Saturday night, met my friends and drink 4 beers... we ended up in my apartment, talking and continuing drinking. On Sunday morning we had a breakfast at High Park restaurant. 

Yesterday, both elevators in my building did not work so I walked upstairs to 15th floor. Omg, I almost died, my heart was pumping so hard. I need to be in better shape. 

And this brings me to the main theme of today's post. I should be more conscious in my life.
Today is Thanksgiving day and really I am grateful to God and Higher Powers for everything... I am healthy, smart, good looking, middle aged guy in early 50-ies. But things can be better. 

First and the most important thing in my life is daily yoga practice. It is hard, and because of that it should be done daily, early in the morning.  The ashtanga yoga practice is the one of the best things in my life. I am getting older by every passing day so yoga practice keeps my body strong and flexible. The lack of motivation and laziness are obstacles I must work on. 

Second, I have to, simply I have to... learn to drink. I drink a lot. I have no measure, 4-5 beers per night are not good at all. So I declare here my intention to drink ONLY 2 beers per night. This morning my weight is 86.5 kg. There is still three kilos to lose and the large amount of beer is not a good thing. Less beer is good for money saving too.

This brings me to the third point. I have to take care about money more carefully. After disaster with Sandra from Ecuador, I have monitored my money spending carefully and of course I have saved some. I still have $2000 on my line of credit and I expect to return that money by the end of November.

Fourth thing of my current concerns is to lower down smoking. I smoke about 20 cigarettes per day. If I can cut up to 15 it will be nice. I have no intention to quit smoking, I enjoy it, I just want to cut unnecessary, unconsciously, lighting the cigarettes.

And that's it. I have no other concerns. My life is simple and I am grateful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving day. :)