Tuesday, October 11, 2016

An Emotionally Unavailable Person


While I was reading this article on Elephant Journal: 7 Warning Signs You Could Be Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Man (or Woman)! I got goosebumps.

I'm a simple, straightforward guy and I don't like complications and anything that creates over thinking. I have a difficult time finding a right girlfriend. The commitment is not in my nature. I have a very hard time settling down, and it will take really remarkable woman to keep me around. Does that makes me an emotionally unavailable person?

The article starts so innocently...

These days, it’s easy to have a relationship with someone who you think you have a future with—only to find out that it is really a dead-end romance. Quite often the discovery you make is that the other person is emotionally unavailable or just commitment-phobic.

The author describes reasons of the emotional unavailability...

People can be unavailable for serious love relationships for both healthy and unhealthy reasons. They may have suffered through a troubled childhood experience that has wounded them or they now have higher priorities such as their career or taking care of a sick parent. Perhaps, they are recently divorced or widowed, and legitimately not ready to get involved in an intimate relationship. Then, there are those who are too afraid of taking the risk of falling in love because they have been hurt too much in their previous relationships.

The article then starts to enumerate the signs of an emotionally unavailable person...

1. A Real Charmer. Look out for the person who is quick to flatter and compliment you without really knowing you. Often these people “do” charming (as opposed to “being” charming) and are adept at communicating and appearing enthusiastic and enthralled. It’s a well-rehearsed act. Their focus is on short-term intimacy, appearing to be open, revealing and vulnerable. In reality they prefer the chase to the catch.

I do appear enthusiastic especially on the beginning of relationship. I always trust that a new beginning will bring something different and a new woman is the one right for me.

I've lost a lot of relationships in my life. It all started with divorce. I was "happily" married for 22 years and I have never cheated on my wife. In last three years, after the divorce, I do have 14 relationship failures. Is there a trophy for that?

2. What They Say. Often emotionally unavailable people will say, “I’m just not good at having a relationship,” or, “I don’t think I’m ready for marriage.” Believe them! In this case, they are not lying. But don’t fall into their trap: there is something terribly seductive about trying to be “the one” who turns them around. Don’t try. Accept their negative pronouncements. This may be the first and only time you’ll hear them speak the truth (as they know it).

This hits me hard. I'm a mixture of fearless man who adores freedom and undisciplined child who make so many mistakes. I'm very easy to be understood. Being confident, spontaneous and independent, I want to be in charge.

I do things for myself, like writing this blog. I don't want to prove anything to anybody. As uncomplicated, bold, aggressive and impulsive, I'm perceived as selfish, insensitive, often so blunt and impatient. So be it.

3. Watch Out for Perfectionists. Emotionally unavailable people tend to be perfectionists, always looking for the fatal flaw or character defect that gives them permission to exit a relationship and move on. In reality, they are debilitated by their own self-criticism and fear of being rejected. They are so frightened of intimacy that eventually they’ll find an excuse for leaving a relationship. (The booby prize is thinking that you’ll ever be good enough to meet their impossible standards.)

Most divorced women over 40 have either spoiled personality or no personality at all. I paid so much physical and mental energy as well as financially, being in a relationship with those women. It makes me wonder, why is sex so expensive?

Don't get me wrong, I think I am really naive and plane stupid. I don't want a family so I am not looking for a perfect woman. I deal with these boring, divorced 40-something, imperfect females.

4. Self-Centered Behavior. Beware of someone who operates the relationship as if it should revolve around them. These individuals set the agenda for a relationship, control it, and won’t be inconvenienced by having to modify their routine or the plans they’ve made. This type of emotionally unavailable person is commitment-phobic, and not relationship-oriented. They are inflexible and loathe having to compromise.

It's okay, I can take this one... It always surprise me that the world doesn't revolve around me. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten a text message that there is a larger world out there outside of myself. Looking at the world purely from my own perspective I see that I am caring, compassionate, team player, and an overall good guy and here deep down in my heart there is a strong thirst for independence.

Every time my girlfriend hinted about spending more time with me I felt cold and sick to the heart. I don't wish to leave my freedom of being single for commitment of being with someone.

5. Sexually Fast. Beware of a person who wants to become sexually familiar quickly. Often they are seducers just looking for another conquest. Or, if they are over-focused on sex it may be because they don’t feel they have anything else to offer. Once the relationship becomes too intimate, they’ll cut and run.

I am 51 years old. What I need to wait for? For access to woman's pussy I have to listen over and over their boring and empty social observations, calm down their worries, manage their stress, deal with their whining of insecurity and fight with their craziness and menstrual problems.

The very moment the woman asks me to sit and listen to her, to have "the talk", to discuss her needs, desires and frustrations, wanting to know what I was really thinking and feeling, I felt uncomfortable...

6. Complains about Past Relationships. In a discussion about their past relationships, they will denigrate their former partners. Their relationship break-ups are never because of their behavior or the problems they created. The failures of their unsuccessful partnerships are always based on the faults of their exes. They lack the maturity to take responsibility for their mistakes in their past relationships.

This is so simple. After my divorce, I did not met a single woman worth the extra effort. Simply they required more than they had to give.

7. Elusive Conduct. They seem to be available only when it’s convenient for them. Your requests for more time with them are met with excuses about how hard they’re working or how tired they feel. Even after a seemingly intimate weekend, they can disappear for long periods with no regular contact. Their actions are incongruent with their words. It’s easy for them to utter an, “I love you,” and then act in a way that is unloving.

Definitely true. What I have to do? I have to deal with them like a hero, not voicing my frustrations and disappointment.

The author finishes with recommendation to the women who are going to date an emotionally unavailable guy...

On the other hand, if you realize you’ve been fooling yourself or ignoring the “red flags” that have been there all along—don’t waste time trying to convert or change them. Just accept that they are not a fit for you. This will take discipline on your part, but it will save you from great emotional disappointment and allow you to be free to meet someone for a healthier relationship that has a future. The choice is yours.

After reading this article I've concluded that I'm not good for relationship. After divorce, my goal is to be emotionally independent of other people. It is hard for me to love again.

Everyone wants more of life. Everyone strives for something. Everybody wants to be loved.

In LOVE we're businessmen, investors, used to cutting our losses - in a consumer's world we live. Everything is an "investment," and the guarantees. We fall in love but only if we're loved back. When we don't love anymore, we hate.

The author of this article has forgotten that our LOVE is merely hysteria. We are far from affectionate beings, we have become heartless.


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