Sunday, April 29, 2018

Just like you I am fucked up too

Such a weekend! Two nights two different concerts, a lot of beer and mornings with headaches. On Friday night Prljavo Kazaliste, on Saturday Elektricni Orgazam. I was with my friends and we have a wonderful time.

Look, I'm not going to bullshit here, neither you nor myself. I'm living my wonderful life the way I always have, thinking, "man, I'm better than others." And then, today, out of the blue, I'm having a horrifying realization that I'm not a cool masterpiece of polished personality, that I'm just some old boring parent, an annoying neighbor, tired computer programmer, an asshole yogi... or whatever.

I simply realized that I'm fucked up just like anyone else.

I think I'm confident and intelligent. Maybe I am. I’ve spent countless hours through hardships and learning. I’ve stretched the abilities of my brain through teaching my my daily computer programming work, spiritual book reading, observing others, nutrition, exercise, yoga, quiet walking, etc. I’ve done a lot and I'm naturally good at almost everything I attempt.

I don’t throw that in the faces’ of others, but I won’t hold back either. I was a very motivated and determined individual. I do not care about my honor, accomplishments, and my values.They change with time.

But I have never hit that magical point where I figured out exactly what I really want to do with my life. When I turned around I am 53 years old and I see that my life looks like bubble gum. I have no clue what I'm doing, so I embarrass myself, often repeatedly.

I am happy with what I got. I'm not so old but I feel it, the skin changing, wrinkles, gray hair, belly fat, high blood pressure, tiredness... you name it, have started to show up and they won't go away. As Don Juan said the last enemy of the Man of Knowledge, the old age, is closing on me. But, I am not going to give up so easily.

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