Saturday, November 12, 2016

~ Tango to Evora ~

Tonight the moon will be visible from earth. The last time this happened was last night.

Maturity lies in the readiness to let go of everything. The giving up is the first step. But real giving up is in realizing that there is nothing to give up; for nothing is my own. There is no such thing as Zee. There is only restrictions and limitations. The sum total of these tries to defines me.

After divorce, I became aware, in gradual manner, that my ordinary life has been forever left behind. The ordinary world is no longer a concern for me; and that I must adopt a new way of living if I am going to survive.

My acts, as well as the acts of people appear to be important only because I have learned to think they are important. I have learned to think about everything, and then I look at the world and see what I think.

I look at myself already thinking that I am something. And therefore I have got to feel important. In daily life my self-importance and self-pity are worst enemies. The constant struggle against those feelings are only that counts. It is total struggle against this individual, personal, self that makes me suffer.

I am living my life without TV. I haven’t been watching it for a long time, since about 2006. By TV, I mean watching movies, shows, news, sports or documentaries. I don't have my favorite artist because simply I don't know them. My days are great source of adventure choice, freedom, joy, peace, creativity. Today I went for a walk at High Park, yesterday I had a coffee at Starbucks and two days ago I had haircut.

Nothing is important. I have no honour, no dignity, no name, no country but only a life to be lived. I am not concerned about liking other people or with being liked myself. In reality, nothing of what I do is important. Nothing. I do like whatever and whoever I want but I am unconcerned about that.

I write here a lot of words but I never defend myself or anything else. I don't waste my energy on worrying about things. Nothing really matters. I treat everything with respect but I don't involve myself in daily affairs unless I chose to. I have no agenda or any issue to force upon anyone. I'm dispassionate and outside of everything, completely detached from society at large.

I keep inner balance, I am releasing my bitterness and I forgive others. I embrace the change. One thing’s true in this life,  everything change. Change is the only constant. Nothing within me is truly the same as a month ago, just as nothing around me is like a month ago.

I don't say anything about you. I don't say to you what to do. I don't regard your actions in my thoughts or words. You are here at this precise state of affairs because you want to be here. I support you knowing well you are in your own universe and you are not at the mercy of the world. Nobody is doing anything to anybody.

I don't give a shit about my own character. I don't protect or defend it. I never take myself too seriously, I do try to be fluid and spontaneous and shift my acts with surroundings. There is no need to explain anything, there is nothing to be explained. I have no time for explanations, hopes or regrets.

I am often seen as dispassionate, lacking real feelings, as my former girlfriends say, but that is only partially true. The world goes up and down and people go up and down with their world. I have no business following them in their up and downs. I love life, I love the world! Let's get together and change it one hug at a time! Burn some incense, do yoga! Save bees, save trees, save whales, eat organic, shit in the toilets!

It took me a long time to clean out the garbage of my habitual thinking. I was stiff, heavy, clumsy and vain because I felt I am something. I was easily offended by people. All my spiritual efforts were directed to eradicate this feeling of self-importance.

I am spiritual but not religious, you know, the light and happiness, it’s good for my heart, which opens once a year. Most of the time it is closed due to painful things. But pain is not so bad! And good isn't good sometimes, bad is good, war is peace, freedom is slavery. Awareness grows!

Hey, that brings me: one time, the days of dissolution of my marriage, (the fucking divorce), I went through some painful things — I tried to be an observer in Higher Self not just in this self shit. I was the Higher Self, the observer, and I breathe. Yes, prana when things went tough. I've heard that breathing is healthy. Particularly breathing in and out, it went so well for me. I'm grateful for it. Really.

I know that I have no time. My time is running out. There is no need to be fearful and cautious. Life is a play, silly and meaningless. Everything exists only in my thoughts. I have no time for bullshit and I act upon it.

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