Friday, December 30, 2016

Delusions Mr. Anderson


So long 2016!!! The last post in this year... I am still writing this blog declaring my deep commitment to awake while doing everything possible to remain in sleep. I might say I want to wake up, but it is apparent that I have weird notion of what to be "awake" means. Well, it might involve anything so long as it does not disturb my sleep.

To awaken means to realize one's nothingness, that is to realize one's complete and absolute mechanicalness and one's complete and absolute helplessness. And it is not sufficient to realize it philosophically in words. It is necessary to realize it in clean, simple, and concrete facts, in one's own life. - Gurdjieff 

Is it extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any intrinsic meaning, that life is essentially meaningless? I think it is, and it is dangerous. Existential Nihilism!!! It takes courage to live life understanding that no matter what you might accomplish, all will disappear like smoke in the air; that no matter what service you might attempt to perform, it's all useless. Not only that, but the very fact that everything is insignificant and nothing has any intrinsic meaning doesn't mean anything either.

Obviously, in 2016, I did not discover my own nothingness. I still take myself as something. I still believe in this world... but when I turn around I see this wonderful civilization for what really is. All pretense at decency and morality are still in place. The masks of kindness, love and compassion are here too... This whole ego based, money-driven society is full of shit. Pardon my vulgarity.

This might come as a surprise to you, but it is more likely that you simply refuse to see it. And you don't see it not because it is hidden but because you don't want to see it. All things around you, what you take for granted, your day-to-day existence is largely a product of your imagination. Your memory, opinions and beliefs, how you see yourself and others and even your sense of being free, are not as they seem. Delusions!

The power these delusions hold over us is staggering, yet, it is necessary to help us function in the world. The world is supported by our "sleep" and the nature does not want us to "wake up".

Do you think “wake up” are two superfluous words? Obviously you're reading this, you're “not asleep.”  And that is, in fact, how dictionaries define “awake.” But my usage is far more subtle.

Man is asleep but doesn't know it. So deep is his hypnotic slumber that he does his daily walking and talking, his legislating and marrying in a state of unconsciousness. Actually, the acts are the mechanical acts of hypnotized people... - Gurdjieff 

Each of us undertakes a journey to awakening in one and the same way. You draw unique experiences into your life in order to learn only one thing - that you were wrong about it. You gain knowledge about falseness of everything. Your uniqueness, mission, purpose, experience and understanding... Well, if we're talking about awakening, all that is delusion!

If you want to develop spiritually or grow closer to God, or go to Heaven, or raise your consciousness, or get enlightenment, obtain liberation - in short, if you are moving, progressing and you feel that you growing up, well, that is the essence of your "sleep". You are considering yourself to be a process, to have past and future, to have history, to keep progressing somewhere...

Growing, moving, progressing, evolving. Heart, Love, Peace, Bliss. Be nice and say you're sorry when you done wrong and your loving God won't cook your ass. Your hope for transcendental bliss, cosmic consciousness, kundalini awakening, supreme love... all delusions!

To destroy the delusions, you must question your beliefs. Of these the idea that you are the body with the consciousness is the worst. With the body comes the world, with the world - God, who is supposed to have created the world and thus it starts - fears, religions, bondage, spirituality, practice, sacrifices, all sorts of systems - all to protect and support "you", frightened out of your wits by monsters of your own making.

I am not here to make things right for you. What I know for sure? Nothing.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Glass of Water


Once upon a time there was a guy who enjoyed his life.

He was in early 30's, he had a nice BMW and he was going out every night with different girl. He had his own company for office repairs and he worked 3-4 hours a day, just to cover his expenses. He enjoyed his life immensely.

His mother was worried for him. Whenever she saw him she used to tell him - My son, you have to be married by now. You need to have children. Who will look after you when you are old?

My son, Who will bring you a glass of water on your deathbed?

Slowly, bit by bit, mother's words started coming into man's mind especially the sentence about glass of water on his deathbed. So he finally found the right girl and got married. He stopped going out every day. Now he enjoyed the company of his wife.

After a year his wife gave birth to a baby boy. After the second year of marriage he got a baby girl. Now he has started working full hours. He needed more money to support family. He stopped going out completely. Their house become small for the new family so he bought a bigger house. He got enormous mortgage to pay off so he started to work more. Actually, he worked like a donkey. He sold his BMW and bought a minivan... but he  remembered the question - Who will bring him a glass of water on his deathbed?

Years were passing, he become old.

He knew only for work and more work. Vaguely he remembers old days with nostalgia and sigh. In meantime he got grandchildren. The years were passing quickly. He became a tired, disappointed man.

One day he was laying in the bed, death was closing on him. He was surrounded with his family, the son, daughter, grandsons and granddaughters. Everyone was around him. In his last moments he was reflecting about his life and he said... Fuck, I am not even thirsty.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Resolution 2017 ~ Be Yourself ~ People Will Not Like You Anyway

My condo entrance - former Church of Christ, Scientist

Be Yourself is quite possibly the most commonly used phrase in the history of advice - Be Yourself. Don't be someone else, be yourself! So no wonder it is my resolution for 2017... WTF!

Today is Saturday, the Christmas Eve. It is around 3 pm, I just came from a long walk. At 11 am, I did fourth yoga practice of this week. I am off the work on Monday and Tuesday so I will do yoga every day. I want energy and focus. Sluggishness and laziness is not part of my life.

I am not satisfied with my life. I'm not young anymore, I feel it. In seven days I will be 52, skin changes, wrinkles, gray hair, belly fat, you name it, have started to show up and they won't go away. Fuck it, I am not going to give up so easily. I'm feeling motivated to eat better, exercise more, drink less...

The lifestyle changes are necessary and welcomed. It is all about realistic plan, steady discipline and careful monitoring. I'm ready to live differently in 2017, I'm committing to change.


1. Regular, daily exercise. 

At present my weight is 87 kg and I want to be somewhere between 83-84 kg. I must exercise more and eat less. Exercise is directly related to the metabolism. Having a good metabolism increases the amount of calories that I can take and also burn calories but the increase in metabolism as you're 52 is not so easy to accomplish.

The main point of concern in my life is regular ashtanga yoga practice. Six days a week, 60 minutes, half primary, practice. I'm naturally lazy to move so daily yoga is difficult. What counts is effort, it’s about showing up on mat every single day. It’s about doing the best I can do with my body strength and breath. It isn’t about whether my hands touch toes or not, it is all about persistence.

Also, I will go to gym at 6 pm, 5 days a week, Saturday and Sunday will be rest days. 30 minutes, stomach-arms one day and stomach-legs other day.

2. I'm going to change my diet. 

I'll stop eating the processed food. No more: tacos, wraps, pizza, croissants, pasta, muffins, pastries, bagels, white bread, pretzels, doughnuts, cookies, biscuits, cakes, white rice, wheat, candy, sweets, potato chips, batter, pastry, desserts, jams, soft drinks, sodas and sugary drinks.

I'm going to learn to cook! I want to know 4-5 home-made meals to prepare on my own. I'm starting to write down the recipes. It will be fun thing to do.

Drinking fresh water is the important thing for the next year. I'll drink 2 l everyday. Everyday before sleep I am going to drink piece of ginger root with two whole lemons, processed in juicer. The coffee will be on a watch list. I will continue to drink but much less than before. Maybe just in the morning.


3. I'll have much less social activities. 

My intent for 2017 is to be intentionally unavailable. I'm going to slow down social activities. I mean going out with the friends, drinking and going to bars and nightclubs until 3 am. Or going to house parties where you drink, eat and talk. I don't like such things. I quickly get mentally drained when I'm listening to empty conversations. I can handle a party for an hour or so, but after that I feel I want to leave. I became too tired to properly listen loud bullshit and craft my response. Sometimes, my patience doesn't even last that long. I need to give myself lots of alone time to recover from this.

I'm thinking about this and I'm trying to figure out where the problem lies. I'm not anti-social but it is true I want to leave a party after an hour because I very easily zone out during noisy meals, I get tired listening of the same stories.

I'll not go for Monday's beer night anymore. My intention for 2017 is to drastically cut drinking. I'll not stop drinking beer and wine, but I'll reduce it significantly. And I'll save money too.

4. I'll be very careful with money spending. 

My financial situation is not so good. I owe about $3000 on my visas. I must be careful with spending. In my dating relationship, currently with the Dreamer, who knows how long I'll be with her, I'll not pay for meals like I use to. She has to learn to share the costs or we will not go out. It is up to her or any other girlfriend that I may have in 2017.

Starting the very first pay, on January 5th, I am going to take 10% of paycheck and put it on the side. I'm starting to save money. The rest I will spend. I will take 10% from every single paycheck in 2017.

And that's will be it.

Sometimes I sit and think, and sometimes I just sit.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

My Spiritual Journey


I am not writing this trying to win your approval or sell you this particular brand of bullshit. On my blog, I am not advising you to meditate, pray or chant. I am not concerned if you do yoga or not. I am not trying to cleanse your chakras or purify your soul or get you happy. I'm certainly not trying to save you. Save from what? From yourself. Impossible.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I was struggling with my beliefs with no real sense of what really matters in life. I use to drive BMW and wear expensive clothes...

Around year 2000 a state of inner dissatisfaction appeared, and it culminated in 2001. And that dissatisfaction with life is what I consider to be the most critical first step towards spiritual journey. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea, but I believe it’s a great place for anyone to begin.

You begin spiritual journey by being total asshole and then you proceed step by step to find out that same fact for yourself. 

Some people may be naturally interested in spirituality, work hard to grow as person - to be better person, say sorry when they are done wrong, and similar bullshit; however, they may find it difficult to see the obvious and ugly truth.

I can trace my spiritual journey back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing events. I wanted to become Avatar, a saint. Yes, I really wanted that. Suffice it to say, I did not know what that exactly means but I felt it was something good to strive for.

I started with Theosophy. I read Secret Doctrine by Madame Blavatsky and I like it. I needed more. I quite naturally, thought that it is important to understand spiritual teaching. I thought that it is vital that my information be correct and precise. I thought that this enlightenment thing is like school where I have to understand one thing before I can understand the next thing.

Soon I have seen that esoteric stuff does not help much. I was not reaching infinite, I was not pure bliss. So I left theosophy and started to study Gurdjieff and his Fourth Way. The things he discussed I heard it for the first time. He was talking to me. I sincerely practiced self-observation and self-remembrance for a year or so. I was surprised and upset about my own personality and my behavior. I discovered my inner world of lies, fears and frustrations. I discovered my own walking sleep.

Then I started to ask myself consciously questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? What am I here for? Am I doer or just an actor? Am I at sleep all the time? How can I be awake? Where am I going? I started to reject questions of general society such as “what you do” and “what you have" and replaced them with with questions that get at the purpose and meaning of life.

I discovered Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi and they told me that I need to be... just be. I was in state of complete daze when I read Nisargadatta for the first time. So there I was, in the middle of my desperate search for purpose and meaning, and there was Nisargadatta. His words may not seem profound or earth-shattering to you, but they were for me at that time. They were the beginning of my conscious journey to become Who I Am...

From the very beginning of my spiritual journey I practiced daily meditation in the form of zazen for several years. Sure, I had a spiritual awakening six years ago, and life started to look weird. I believe we have put here by a lifeform more intelligent than ourselves; this life could be a hologram or a hallucination or something in between. The truth is I really do not know!

The most common, widely-held fantasy about enlightenment is that it is freedom from suffering, the transcendence of pain and struggle, the land of milk and honey, a state of perpetual love, bliss, and peace. Enlightenment represents the collectively-shared dream of an idealized and perfect world of pure beauty and joy. It is not only New Age fantasy, it is the secret wish of all people. It is our shared dream of salvation. But it is only a fantasy.

- Halfway Up the Mountain: The Error of Premature Claims to Enlightenment, Mariana Caplan

To be quite honest, in a moment of spiritual awakening, I did not quite grasped any truth, there was no explanations. It is simple clarity without any sense. I concluded it is only the start of a journey. There are other questions to be answered. And really, you learn more and more about bullshit as the days go by; with each new disappointment multiple questions disappear.

Four years ago I met my last teacher, Jed McKenna. About 80% of the people who read Jed McKenna’s book, Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing, become fucked up and depressed for about a month after reading it. That is why I am apprehensive about suggesting it to you to read it, yet it is quite frankly the one of the most influential book I have read, and my current life philosophy is based around some of the core concepts of the book.

McKenna cuts through all spiritual bullshit. Everything you do, every identity you create in life, is in fear of the fact that your life has no meaning. Fear that nothing really matters and your living is futile.

You see, in self-discovery there is nothing to discover. Even though I still might see myself on a journey, I am not seeking anything; there is nothing to be found, except that I am an asshole. But I already know that.