Friday, December 30, 2016

Delusions Mr. Anderson

So long 2016!!! The last post in this year... I am still writing this blog declaring my deep commitment to awake while doing everything possible to remain in sleep. I might say I want to wake up, but it is apparent that I have weird notion of what to be "awake" means. Well, it might involve anything so long as it does not disturb my sleep.

To awaken means to realize one's nothingness, that is to realize one's complete and absolute mechanicalness and one's complete and absolute helplessness. And it is not sufficient to realize it philosophically in words. It is necessary to realize it in clean, simple, and concrete facts, in one's own life. - Gurdjieff 

Is it extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any intrinsic meaning, that life is essentially meaningless? I think it is, and it is dangerous. Existential Nihilism!!! It takes courage to live life understanding that no matter what you might accomplish, all will disappear like smoke in the air; that no matter what service you might attempt to perform, it's all useless. Not only that, but the very fact that everything is insignificant and nothing has any intrinsic meaning doesn't mean anything either.

Obviously, in 2016, I did not discover my own nothingness. I still take myself as something. I still believe in this world... but when I turn around I see this wonderful civilization for what really is. All pretense at decency and morality are still in place. The masks of kindness, love and compassion are here too... This whole ego based, money-driven society is full of shit. Pardon my vulgarity.

This might come as a surprise to you, but it is more likely that you simply refuse to see it. And you don't see it not because it is hidden but because you don't want to see it. All things around you, what you take for granted, your day-to-day existence is largely a product of your imagination. Your memory, opinions and beliefs, how you see yourself and others and even your sense of being free, are not as they seem. Delusions!

The power these delusions hold over us is staggering, yet, it is necessary to help us function in the world. The world is supported by our "sleep" and the nature does not want us to "wake up".

Do you think “wake up” are two superfluous words? Obviously you're reading this, you're “not asleep.”  And that is, in fact, how dictionaries define “awake.” But my usage is far more subtle.

Man is asleep but doesn't know it. So deep is his hypnotic slumber that he does his daily walking and talking, his legislating and marrying in a state of unconsciousness. Actually, the acts are the mechanical acts of hypnotized people... - Gurdjieff 

Each of us undertakes a journey to awakening in one and the same way. You draw unique experiences into your life in order to learn only one thing - that you were wrong about it. You gain knowledge about falseness of everything. Your uniqueness, mission, purpose, experience and understanding... Well, if we're talking about awakening, all that is delusion!

If you want to develop spiritually or grow closer to God, or go to Heaven, or raise your consciousness, or get enlightenment, obtain liberation - in short, if you are moving, progressing and you feel that you growing up, well, that is the essence of your "sleep". You are considering yourself to be a process, to have past and future, to have history, to keep progressing somewhere...

Growing, moving, progressing, evolving. Heart, Love, Peace, Bliss. Be nice and say you're sorry when you done wrong and your loving God won't cook your ass. Your hope for transcendental bliss, cosmic consciousness, kundalini awakening, supreme love... all delusions!

To destroy the delusions, you must question your beliefs. Of these the idea that you are the body with the consciousness is the worst. With the body comes the world, with the world - God, who is supposed to have created the world and thus it starts - fears, religions, bondage, spirituality, practice, sacrifices, all sorts of systems - all to protect and support "you", frightened out of your wits by monsters of your own making.

I am not here to make things right for you. What I know for sure? Nothing.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Glass of Water

Once upon a time there was a guy who enjoyed his life.

He was in early 30's, he had a nice BMW and he was going out every night with different girl. He had his own company for office repairs and he worked 3-4 hours a day, just to cover his expenses. He enjoyed his life immensely.

His mother was worried for him. Whenever she saw him she used to tell him - My son, you have to be married by now. You need to have children. Who will look after you when you are old?

My son, Who will bring you a glass of water on your deathbed?

Slowly, bit by bit, mother's words started coming into man's mind especially the sentence about glass of water on his deathbed. So he finally found the right girl and got married. He stopped going out every day. Now he enjoyed the company of his wife.

After a year his wife gave birth to a baby boy. After the second year of marriage he got a baby girl. Now he has started working full hours. He needed more money to support family. He stopped going out completely. Their house become small for the new family so he bought a bigger house. He got enormous mortgage to pay off so he started to work more. Actually, he worked like a donkey. He sold his BMW and bought a minivan... but he  remembered the question - Who will bring him a glass of water on his deathbed?

Years were passing, he become old.

He knew only for work and more work. Vaguely he remembers old days with nostalgia and sigh. In meantime he got grandchildren. The years were passing quickly. He became a tired, disappointed man.

One day he was laying in the bed, death was closing on him. He was surrounded with his family, the son, daughter, grandsons and granddaughters. Everyone was around him. In his last moments he was reflecting about his life and he said... Fuck, I am not even thirsty.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Resolution 2017 ~ Be Yourself ~ People Will Not Like You Anyway

My condo entrance - former Church of Christ, Scientist

Be Yourself is quite possibly the most commonly used phrase in the history of advice - Be Yourself. Don't be someone else, be yourself! So no wonder it is my resolution for 2017... WTF!

Today is Saturday, the Christmas Eve. It is around 3 pm, I just came from a long walk. At 11 am, I did fourth yoga practice of this week. I am off the work on Monday and Tuesday so I will do yoga every day. I want energy and focus. Sluggishness and laziness is not part of my life.

I am not satisfied with my life. I'm not young anymore, I feel it. In seven days I will be 52, skin changes, wrinkles, gray hair, belly fat, you name it, have started to show up and they won't go away. Fuck it, I am not going to give up so easily. I'm feeling motivated to eat better, exercise more, drink less...

The lifestyle changes are necessary and welcomed. It is all about realistic plan, steady discipline and careful monitoring. I'm ready to live differently in 2017, I'm committing to change.

1. Regular, daily exercise. 

At present my weight is 87 kg and I want to be somewhere between 83-84 kg. I must exercise more and eat less. Exercise is directly related to the metabolism. Having a good metabolism increases the amount of calories that I can take and also burn calories but the increase in metabolism as you're 52 is not so easy to accomplish.

The main point of concern in my life is regular ashtanga yoga practice. Six days a week, 60 minutes, half primary, practice. I'm naturally lazy to move so daily yoga is difficult. What counts is effort, it’s about showing up on mat every single day. It’s about doing the best I can do with my body strength and breath. It isn’t about whether my hands touch toes or not, it is all about persistence.

Also, I will go to gym at 6 pm, 5 days a week, Saturday and Sunday will be rest days. 30 minutes, stomach-arms one day and stomach-legs other day.

2. I'm going to change my diet. 

I'll stop eating the processed food. No more: tacos, wraps, pizza, croissants, pasta, muffins, pastries, bagels, white bread, pretzels, doughnuts, cookies, biscuits, cakes, white rice, wheat, candy, sweets, potato chips, batter, pastry, desserts, jams, soft drinks, sodas and sugary drinks.

I'm going to learn to cook! I want to know 4-5 home-made meals to prepare on my own. I'm starting to write down the recipes. It will be fun thing to do.

Drinking fresh water is the important thing for the next year. I'll drink 2 l everyday. Everyday before sleep I am going to drink piece of ginger root with two whole lemons, processed in juicer. The coffee will be on a watch list. I will continue to drink but much less than before. Maybe just in the morning.

3. I'll have much less social activities. 

My intent for 2017 is to be intentionally unavailable. I'm going to slow down social activities. I mean going out with the friends, drinking and going to bars and nightclubs until 3 am. Or going to house parties where you drink, eat and talk. I don't like such things. I quickly get mentally drained when I'm listening to empty conversations. I can handle a party for an hour or so, but after that I feel I want to leave. I became too tired to properly listen loud bullshit and craft my response. Sometimes, my patience doesn't even last that long. I need to give myself lots of alone time to recover from this.

I'm thinking about this and I'm trying to figure out where the problem lies. I'm not anti-social but it is true I want to leave a party after an hour because I very easily zone out during noisy meals, I get tired listening of the same stories.

I'll not go for Monday's beer night anymore. My intention for 2017 is to drastically cut drinking. I'll not stop drinking beer and wine, but I'll reduce it significantly. And I'll save money too.

4. I'll be very careful with money spending. 

My financial situation is not so good. I owe about $3000 on my visas. I must be careful with spending. In my dating relationship, currently with the Dreamer, who knows how long I'll be with her, I'll not pay for meals like I use to. She has to learn to share the costs or we will not go out. It is up to her or any other girlfriend that I may have in 2017.

Starting the very first pay, on January 5th, I am going to take 10% of paycheck and put it on the side. I'm starting to save money. The rest I will spend. I will take 10% from every single paycheck in 2017.

And that's will be it.

Sometimes I sit and think, and sometimes I just sit.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

My Spiritual Journey

I am not writing this trying to win your approval or sell you this particular brand of bullshit. On my blog, I am not advising you to meditate, pray or chant. I am not concerned if you do yoga or not. I am not trying to cleanse your chakras or purify your soul or get you happy. I'm certainly not trying to save you. Save from what? From yourself. Impossible.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I was struggling with my beliefs with no real sense of what really matters in life. I use to drive BMW and wear expensive clothes...

Around year 2000 a state of inner dissatisfaction appeared, and it culminated in 2001. And that dissatisfaction with life is what I consider to be the most critical first step towards spiritual journey. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea, but I believe it’s a great place for anyone to begin.

You begin spiritual journey by being total asshole and then you proceed step by step to find out that same fact for yourself. 

Some people may be naturally interested in spirituality, work hard to grow as person - to be better person, say sorry when they are done wrong, and similar bullshit; however, they may find it difficult to see the obvious and ugly truth.

I can trace my spiritual journey back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing events. I wanted to become Avatar, a saint. Yes, I really wanted that. Suffice it to say, I did not know what that exactly means but I felt it was something good to strive for.

I started with Theosophy. I read Secret Doctrine by Madame Blavatsky and I like it. I needed more. I quite naturally, thought that it is important to understand spiritual teaching. I thought that it is vital that my information be correct and precise. I thought that this enlightenment thing is like school where I have to understand one thing before I can understand the next thing.

Soon I have seen that esoteric stuff does not help much. I was not reaching infinite, I was not pure bliss. So I left theosophy and started to study Gurdjieff and his Fourth Way. The things he discussed I heard it for the first time. He was talking to me. I sincerely practiced self-observation and self-remembrance for a year or so. I was surprised and upset about my own personality and my behavior. I discovered my inner world of lies, fears and frustrations. I discovered my own walking sleep.

Then I started to ask myself consciously questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? What am I here for? Am I doer or just an actor? Am I at sleep all the time? How can I be awake? Where am I going? I started to reject questions of general society such as “what you do” and “what you have" and replaced them with with questions that get at the purpose and meaning of life.

I discovered Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi and they told me that I need to be... just be. I was in state of complete daze when I read Nisargadatta for the first time. So there I was, in the middle of my desperate search for purpose and meaning, and there was Nisargadatta. His words may not seem profound or earth-shattering to you, but they were for me at that time. They were the beginning of my conscious journey to become Who I Am...

From the very beginning of my spiritual journey I practiced daily meditation in the form of zazen for several years. Sure, I had a spiritual awakening six years ago, and life started to look weird. I believe we have put here by a lifeform more intelligent than ourselves; this life could be a hologram or a hallucination or something in between. The truth is I really do not know!

The most common, widely-held fantasy about enlightenment is that it is freedom from suffering, the transcendence of pain and struggle, the land of milk and honey, a state of perpetual love, bliss, and peace. Enlightenment represents the collectively-shared dream of an idealized and perfect world of pure beauty and joy. It is not only New Age fantasy, it is the secret wish of all people. It is our shared dream of salvation. But it is only a fantasy.

- Halfway Up the Mountain: The Error of Premature Claims to Enlightenment, Mariana Caplan

To be quite honest, in a moment of spiritual awakening, I did not quite grasped any truth, there was no explanations. It is simple clarity without any sense. I concluded it is only the start of a journey. There are other questions to be answered. And really, you learn more and more about bullshit as the days go by; with each new disappointment multiple questions disappear.

Four years ago I met my last teacher, Jed McKenna. About 80% of the people who read Jed McKenna’s book, Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing, become fucked up and depressed for about a month after reading it. That is why I am apprehensive about suggesting it to you to read it, yet it is quite frankly the one of the most influential book I have read, and my current life philosophy is based around some of the core concepts of the book.

McKenna cuts through all spiritual bullshit. Everything you do, every identity you create in life, is in fear of the fact that your life has no meaning. Fear that nothing really matters and your living is futile.

You see, in self-discovery there is nothing to discover. Even though I still might see myself on a journey, I am not seeking anything; there is nothing to be found, except that I am an asshole. But I already know that.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Are you gonna live forever?

One thing alone is certain, that man's slavery grows and increases. Man is becoming a willing slave. He no longer needs chains. He begins to grow fond of his slavery, to be proud of it. And this is the most terrible thing that can happen to a man...

There is no compulsory, mechanical evolution. Evolution is the result of conscious struggle. The evolution of man is the evolution of his consciousness, and 'consciousness' cannot evolve unconsciously.

- Gurdjieff

I am not in Cancun, I do wonder where I am

The truth is simple... but terrifying. You live with the mistaken identity. You create your own reality, but you lack the energy to understand that. You're too busy thinking how wonderful you are, how sensitive, how unique. You are not unique!

You just play different roles with different people. You have assumed a "sample", a certain image of yourself... for your children, your parents, for coworkers, for a lover, for a  poor guy on the street, for a boss... "I am so and so" image is behind all your actions. You move around the world, "living your life", implementing various advices from different people and teachings, various techniques, methods what you understand as good and beneficial to you. All your study, habits, practices, instructions are bullshit. A grand bullshit is that you are growing up, becoming better and wiser... You are just getting older, nothing else.

You may know this but you don't care. Fuck it, that's how you live! In a deep misery. It's warm there, you don't want to leave, you want to worry, you like worrying, oooh, how you worry, twenty-six hours a day! And what do you worry about?... About you! What about you? What's in this shit for you? What's gonna happen to you?

Egomania! Horrendous but fascinating!

We're all going to die, all of u, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.

- Charles Bukowski

My mother died in the palliative care in January last year. I was with her a month earlier and I spend considerable time in that hospital department. The palliative care is the last place, it is the place for dying.

Recently, I read an article about the last words of the patients on the palliative care. Those patients in their last days has revealed the most common regrets they have at the end of their lives.

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me – dying patients

When you realize that your life is almost over and look back clearly on it you will understand that all was up to you and your courage to live life true to yourself, not the life others expected of you. In other words you will see that your dreams have gone unfulfilled. You'll realize that you've wasted your life.

I am 51 (soon 52) I had my fair share of shitty experiences, I look back and realize I only have myself to blame. Yes, I am a kind of taking a responsibility for being an asshole and for being an idiot. I was living my life but I didn't feel it as my dream... I have changed that.

First of all, almost everyone of you is convinced that you're having a terrible life, and that most of the time you're making a fool of yourself. That's true but despite your feelings, your life is actually above average; you live quite good life.

Secondly, there is no need to improve anything in your life. Emotionally, this is like a blow to the stomach for you. But think for yourself and figure out what is true. The life is your show. It is your universe.

Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, just you, and nothing is being withheld from you. You are completely on your own. There is no place for worries. Everything is available to you. No one else has anything you need. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary to your success. You keep fucking yourself over. If you understand that, you will understand that it is the best news you could possibly receive.

I wish I hadn't worked so hard – dying patients

On the dead-bed every male have regret about the work. They wished that they had't work so hard. They had spend so much of their life on the treadmill of a work existence. And for what? Bigger car or house?

Your mind willfully accepts every information from newspapers without doubting anything. You feel that work is most important thing in your life, you don't think about the universe and your place in it, you imagine you are true and therefore you naturally feel self important. You never give any thought to who you really are because your mind is ever busy solving work problems.

Move your attention from the work. Turn the attention of your mind to yourself. How do you know you exist? If you don’t do this then you will continue to work like a dog believing in the non-existent universe until you die.

Change your attitude! The real wisdom is related to recognition of what is true, everlasting, and what is not. When you truly understand, you will finally realize that your work is necessary only for your daily needs and nothing else. Pay more attention to your needs...

I wish that I had let myself be happier – dying patients

Many dying patients did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They lived their life according to patterns and habits. They followed comfort of familiarity. Deep within, they longed to laugh more and have craziness in their life.

It is Wednesday night, I came from work, will have dinner soon, when I finish writing this post, it is not a post it is more like talking to you. It is nice outside, warm for this time of the year. The streets, building, houses, stores, offices are decorated and I feel like walking through the wonderland. Christmas movies are started to play on tv, all with good-will messages and happy ending. Children are happy. Students are happy. No school, no lectures. Snow has come (and gone). Perfect setting for the perfect holiday. New Year, with the hope of the better things to come, is just around the corner. I feel an excitement in the air, I feel it everywhere, in my wallet too. 😏

The Holidays are just an opportunity to create circumstances for enjoyment. But, Why are you seeking special circumstances for happiness? Happiness is momentary sensations of forgetfulness of problems, which of course do not disappear but that forgetfulness gives the sense of being happy.

You move from one pattern to another, from one cage to another, from one pose to another, hoping to find happiness, not only happiness in relationship with people, but also the happiness as a resting place where your mind will never be disturbed, where you cease to be tortured by your thoughts.

I may put this in different words, I may use different jargon, but that is what you want - a place where your mind can rest, where it is not tortured by its own activities, where there is no sorrow, but I will stop here...

May you find your happiness!!!

Find what gives your life meaning and what gives you a sense of purpose. Find out what you want. Start from there and happiness is easily found; remember very search for happiness is itself the main reason for unhappiness.

Good luck. 😊

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Yoga is discipline, patience and hard work

I have never written any post here with misgiving. It is my life I am writing about; I write honestly, I don't know how else to write it. I have little story to tell in every post and I end it neither with a divorce nor a marriage. Divorce ends all things but marriage finishes it very properly too so you as a sophisticated reader may be ill-advised with something what is by social convention is termed... a happy ending.

This week has been the one of the best weeks of the year. The Dreamer came on Wednesday night and she slept over at my place on Friday night. Outside was a snowstorm but we had a great time not going anywhere. She bought me two towels, a very warm and nice blanket and an expensive cheese. We eat at my place drink beer and wine and most of the time we spent in the bed. She is a great, passionate lover. I am expecting her to come today afternoon and we will go for a walk in snow covered High Park. Is only -2 C sunny and beautiful day in Toronto.

Yesterday, I went to sleep at 4 a.m. hugging the Dreamer. We woke up at 8 a.m. so last night I was in bed early at 8:30. This morning yoga class with my friends. It was 7 of us, three my friends did not come. Yoga was good, we added push ups and strengthening sequence to half primary ashtanga yoga practice. We stretch and sweat. After one hour of practice we went to sauna.

I encourage everyone to start practicing yoga. Before you start your first class, of course you may have a lot of questions. The first question every beginner asks is: How do I find a good teacher? Every beginner wants a certified teacher. Certification means they have a minimum of 200 hours of yoga teacher training, and many have years of teaching experience on top of that. However, certification doesn't guarantee they are the right teacher for you.

Second, learn classical yoga first, don’t start with hot yoga or athletic vinyasa. You can learn those later. Start by learning the postures first.  Then learn how they are strung together into a flow (known as vinyasa). It takes the average person about six months until the body adapts and you start to see benefits of yoga. That’s the average, maybe for you it’ll happen sooner, or later. Patience is important. Continue going to class. If you are impatient and push yourself it’s likely you’ll injure your muscles.

Try not to push yourself in your yoga practice, at least not yet. Get used to being on your mat for a few minutes to half an hour at least once a week. It’s the discipline of being on your mat that makes the difference, in both your physical progress. While it’s rarely talked about these days, yoga is about discipline.

The key to yoga is to develop your ability to listen to your body. You want to feel each muscle, each breath, to feel the flow of energy through your body. Know when you are tired, know when you are sick, know what is happening in your own mind and body. Practicing yoga is a great gift, a gift you give to yourself. And remember, your yoga is only for you.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Jed McKenna - Dreamstate, A Conspiracy Theory ♫♪

I am a bad follower of other people but I do like some: Nisargadatta Maharaj, U.G. Krishnamurti, Jed McKenna, Charles Bukowski, George Carlin for example.

There’s no doubt about Jed McKenna, he can write. He said that "Truth realization" isn't as glorious as it is sometimes made out to be. In a way, he disappointed most of the spiritual aspirants by saying that "enlightenment" isn't about universal love or rising consciousness or a peak experience or feeling one with the universe, it is more about ruthless self-annihilation.

Enlightenment (if such thing exists at all) is about taking everything you know to be true, and unraveling bullshit that make up your imagined self. Refusing to look at your own self, just because it makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, is willingly choosing to remain in a state of ignorance and therefore to remain unconscious.

For spiritual seekers, Jed's recommendation is basically an impossible task because they have become so invested in their cherished spirituality. They hold beliefs and views of what the world is, and they are dreaming their personal dream.

Jed claims that only when you stop filtering the world through your imagined self, you can truly see the world for what it is. Then, nothing can shake you out of persistent perception that everything in duality is FAKE. There is no good, and there is no evil. There is no such thing as "wrong". This is a hard pill to swallow.

Jed goes on to say that "no belief is truth", and that "life has no meaning". We all cling tightly to the false dream that we are having, and we refuse the acknowledge truth that is so obviously staring into our face.... and then we come to his last book...

Oh reality, what a concept!

The central premise of Jed McKenna's new book - Dreamstate, A Conspiracy Theory, is the admittedly ridiculous but incontrovertibly true assertion that the universe does not exist.

Jed is living in the mountains far away from people. He is with his dog Maya and he enjoys reading and writing different subjects. He lives in mountain cabin of his friend Lisa, introduced to us in his previous book.

First, in the beginning of the book Jed clearly defines the dreamstate:

Picture a dead planet; lifeless, featureless, empty. This is your home-world, and you never left. It's a very inhospitable place, but what's worse, it's boring. Living on this dead rock floating in infinite nothingness would drive anyone barshit crazy in thirty seconds, but you have come up with a very clever solution. You sleep, you dream of a better world and you inhabit it. Maybe your dream is sweet, maybe nightmarish, probably a bit of both, but it's way better than being awake on a dead rock in the middle of nowhere.

He then says that waking up from the dream is directly related to our ability to think:

All we have to do is stay asleep, and all we have to do stay asleep is not to wake up. The thing that threatens out repose is thinking. Thinking is something we can do and which we believe we do, but which we really don't do. Granted, we might think about trifles like crossword puzzles and nuclear fusion, and what's for dinner, but it's really best not to think about anything too serious, like the fact that you're not awake at this very moment and whatnot.

What happens when we wake up?

Great, it's infinite. Duh. So you turn to go back into the amusing albeit unreal reality you left so you could behold the infinitely unamusing infinite and, surprise you can't go home again. You traded the dream of something for the truth of nothing and now you want your something back. But you can't have it.

Jed proceeds to explain the nature of all things.

All of creation boils down to two things, one of which does not exist. Awareness is truth and appearance is belief. Instead of awareness and appearance, we can say dreamer and dream, beholder and beheld, or yin and yang. There is plenty to be said about appearance, but the only thing you can say with certainty that untruth doesn't exist. Consciousness is true and truth exist. The content of consciousness is not true and untruth does not exist.

Although it's not true and doesn't exist, appearance is absolutely necessary. Without appearance there can be no awareness, but there is awareness so there must be appearance. Without anything to be aware of, awareness is not aware. Without anything to be aware of it, appearance does not appear. Yin and yang.

What Jed is trying to explain in the last book is answering the biggest question. However you phrase it - What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Who Am I? What is true? etc. All creation boils down to two things: Awareness and appearance. (Purusha and prakriti)

Awareness is true, appearance is ever changing and it is just belief, not true. Consciousness is also content of awareness and albeit very close to it, unfortunately it is temporary, so it is not true. Awareness or so called, the Absolute or ParaBrahman, basically has no name. Not this, not that. It is perfection. And there is a problem. Imagine that we live in perfect universe on the perfect planet... what will we do? Look at... Water flowing? Grass growing? Planet spinning? How about shaping the rocks and wind shaping the mountains? How about looking at ocean and waves?

How long could you watch a nature? You'd turn into a drooling idiot before lunch.

Jed said that the boredom is the problem the Absolute trying to solve and the perfection of existence isn't solving it and there is no possibility of imperfection to spice things up. Creation of the Absolute is itself the perfection.

So, that's the setup. Perception, despite not existing must perform the vital but impossible function of amusing the Absolute. This is impossible because the Absolute is not capable of being finite and imperfect. Chaos is not possible, flaws and errors are not possible, irrationality and inadequacy are not possible. Nonsense is not possible. The whole Universe created from the Absolute is perfect, there is no problem.... And that is the problem.

And thus was born the Illusion of Appearance!!! Lets there be something when there is nothing. And thus was born the Illusion of Time, Energy, Matter, Space, Causality, Duality and LIFE. With LIFE, the Illusion of Ignorance or Forgetfulness came around.

So we can ask the question.... What is the meaning of all this? ♫♪ ♫♪ ♫♪

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Interview with Jed McKenna

Jed McKenna is a modern spiritual teacher. He plays video games, he rides a mountain bike, he skydives, he reads Walt Whitman. He is an enlightened guy. So let's start from there....

What do you teach Mr. McKenna?

In the Kingdom of the Blind, one-eyed man is a hero. He is superior, powerful and at the same time a great fool. Simply, he is out of place, a stranger in a strange land. What should he do? Speak? Teach? Play wise? To whom? What can he say to the blind-since-birth? The blind know nothing of eyes. They know nothing of sight. Why say anything? Why speak at all? 

You've written books and you do have a message for us, the blind people. What is it?

It's not something you choose, it's what you get when you don't choose. We just marched ourselves into these damned idiotic, impossible lives without ever stopping to think about what we were doing. High school, college, post-grad and then straight into the workforce. Get married, have a kid, borrow money, buy a house, fill it with junk, have another kid, borrow more money, bigger house, more junk. It's completely insane, but that's how everyone I know lived. It is  like a disease. That's what it is. For the last seven years we've been struggling just to make the minimum payments on our debt. And this was all pretty normal.

I have seen that from my parents.

We became just like our parents because we didn't know who else to be. 

What about our hopes and spiritual practice?

Heaven, salvation, compassion, mindfulness, self-awareness, inner tranquility, peace on earth, good will toward men: these are all safe, no-muss, no-fuss spiritual objectives. They're undemanding, low-impact, lifestyle-friendly and easy on the pocketbook. None of these terms really means anything, so no one gets too caught up in success and failure.

So we are not on the right track...

Maybe anyone in a state of developing will undergo a natural reduction in their interests from many to few and even to one as they come into alignment, as they clear the debris and uncover their true calling.

We are not living. We are sleeping and dreaming our life?

What else does it mean to be asleep than to dispose of our own lives so thoughtlessly? 

Why isn't anyone going anywhere?

Why isn't anyone going anywhere? Because they've convinced themselves that they are going somewhere. Why? Because their spiritual masters and advisers tell them they are. Why are their spiritual masters and advisers telling them they're going somewhere? We pick our teachers. We get what we wish for. We want cozy, uninterrupted slumber and the dream of spiritual progress, and that's what we get. 

What is the reason we follow spirituality and do meditation and other stuff?

The reason we get bogged down in all the weird and exotic spiritual stuff is to avoid the up close and personal stuff. We search the most distant places and times because we don't want to deal with the here and now.

We eagerly subscribe to arcane, intelligence-insulting belief systems because they are, by their very design, conducive to the sleep state we wish to maintain. Religion and spirituality exist to serve our need for death denial. They serve as lullabies and drown out the ticking of the clock. 

We spend our lives and our life force running away from this monster we call death. This state of incessant denial takes all our time and energy. That's where our lives go, that's how we spend them. That's what it means to be asleep within the dream.

Thank you for this great insights. I hope to see you again Mr. McKenna.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Yoga and Divorce

Am I not a man? And is a man not stupid? 
I'm a man, so I married. Wife, children, house, everything. The full catastrophe. 
 - Alexis Zorba, the Greek

Every marriage starts with a great romance. Ok, not every marriage, there are forced marriages due to unwilling pregnancy but that's different. The most of the marriages really starts with love. Life is wonderful you cannot stand to live without the significant other. You have fallen in love and that's it, this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

So you get married.

You start living with your spouse, you get kids, you buy the house, you enjoy your life...

Some time later, at some undefined point you start noticing little differences between you and your spouse and that starts to annoy you. Suddenly, you feel bothered by the same things that you have found cute earlier. The thinking starts, you wonder why your spouse changed, why it is not more like you.

Slowly, you realize that the expectations you had of the perfect marriage are not going to happen. You are turning into yourself or to your best friend, trying to figure out where is the problem. You start practicing yoga, you have heard it is good for body and mind. You want to do something for yourself.

According to statistics 80% of women who started practicing yoga, in their late 30’s and early 40’s, have started the practice for the wish of turning inwardly. This is a strange connection between yoga practice and divorce.

You are trying to work through your problems. You are fully aware that you spend a way too much time in the kitchen, cleaning the house, taking care of kids. Yoga clears your cluttered mind. You starting to see the things in a different way. You are looking for self-help resources continuing to struggle while your troubles are getting worse. Your marriage deteriorates more deeply due to yoga. An extramarital affair possibly to result. But you are still not considering a divorce. You want to save... what cannot be saved.

The children are too small, they need both parents, this is what you think. Much like toothache that consumes your whole being you cannot seem to think of anything else besides how you should get out from this situation. You start to read, and you read a lot. The Alchemist, the Secret and the Power of Now. You are most likely to become a vegetarian or a vegan.

You look at your spouse and you see that your spouse in not a bad person. Rather, you have changed and you see clearly that you are not happy. Ironically, when you are deeply into yoga, you may experience a waves of  awakening, and you become frustrated with all the emotions that awakening brings to the surface. You clearly see that something is wrong, your life is an emptiness and you notice other truths about your relationship.

The yoga helps you to rediscover your real position. You are awaken from the mundane life of everyday obligations and the first step done in that newly acquired freedom is to get rid of the spouse. You blame your spouse for everything lacking in your life. You initiate the separation and you finally divorce.

Friday, December 9, 2016

A Woman Who Dates For Free Dinners

Couple days ago, I was out with my friend Puraman. We went to Kennedy's for a beer and there she was... Olyenka. Whenever we go out she is there, with another man from We both know her, my friend took her out couple months ago and I went out with her too, I paid a steak and we had 4 beers each. My friend wanted to approach the guy who was accompanied her but I stopped him. Let it go. She is not an exception she is a rule of online dating.

I filter my matches by income (and then by height, of course). If he makes under a certain amount, or doesn’t list it at all, I won’t even see his profile, and that’s probably for the best. My suspicion is that very few women haven’t tried this method at least once, but if they haven’t, all the better for them. Their choice to date men of all income brackets is something that deserves a certain amount of respect, and their choices have no bearing on my own. I also expect that men are filtering me by body type, and by the sex appeal of the first picture they see, and it doesn’t offend me in the slightest. 

Olyenka joined, paid $70 for a three months in subscription fees and found men who are willing to take her out on dates and pay for dinner and drinks! She would never allow men to pick her up from her home (because they don’t want them to know where she lives), and she only meet men in public places. She schedules dates every day of the week, rotating from a list of men she is keeping on her phone. She has rules, never to have more than five dates with one guy, so to not end up attached to anyone.

Do you think what Olyenka is doing is unethical or wrong?

Let’s face it, many men on want to meet as many women as possible to get laid with no intention of getting involved in any serious relationship. Yet, no one ever says they are wrong for their true intent in their own quest for sex. And while men use “love” to get a good fuck, what Olyenka is doing is no different: She is merely using the smell of “sex” for free dinners and drinks.

A lot of the men I date, to be fair, are not looking for much themselves. They want to fuck me, sure, but only in the way they just want to fuck something. They often have high-stress jobs and aren’t interested in settling down and dedicating real time to their personal lives for the next few years at least. In any case, the fact that I am looking to be taken out is often not a conflict of interest. Of course, I very rarely have sex with them - and only when I am personally interested in doing so - but they were never expecting to fall in love.

The fact that she is doing it in Kennedys and other Toronto's west end restaurants and bars, using, with the intent of misleading unsuspecting dates is what makes Puraman angry. However, if she had been up front about her intentions then there is absolutely nothing wrong with what she is doing.

While Olyenka is staying emotionally unavailable, there is still a chance that one day she can change her mind about love. Oh bullshit. That will never happen! She is deeply into this shit. It is her financial situation and love for drinks that is making her emotionally unavailable in the first place. But who can blame poor Olyenka?  When you have to worry about paying your next bill, falling in love is the last thing on your mind.

So in conclusion, don't take a woman out to eat on a first date until you can be reasonably certain that she is okay. You will never know that for sure. Sorry, ladies, that's just the way it is. Women who use just lost their first date restaurant privileges, thanks to Olyenka. From now on, the only safe thing to do is take her somewhere free, High Park or maybe Tim Horton's or Starbucks.

If you want to pay for dinner on the first date, because it establishes the fact that you're the man in this relationship, that's the kind of relationship this is going to be. I know this very well. My girlfriends were cheap-fucking-asses. They never paid for anything, not even a single coffee.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Cheers to new readers of my blog!!!

For all those new readers that recently started to read my blog... Welcome!!! I write here about the awakening, yoga and Pizza Hut, McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

As I walk through this world searching for light in the darkness of dating insanity I ask myself is all hope lost? Is there only pain and hatred, and misery? I can hardly believe my eyes any more; the relationships are all so fucking packed to hide its shallowness and meaninglessness. The truth is simple... Nothing is true.

I am not saying that I know something. I know nothing. I don’t have the answers, about divorce, dating, relationships, single moms, losing belly or why are women over 45 losing interest for sex... and I get irritated when I read other people putting themselves out there as gurus, therapists, or doctors.

I write gibberish with a bad grammar. Take it as that. But I'll continue to challenge your most common, widely accepted, beliefs. You are bound by your own concepts and notions. I want you to think. If you cannot handle my posts, so be it. But please do not read these posts from perspective of right or wrong, it is not important, really, by time, you will see that you and I are wrong about everything. And that is the meaning of life.

Everything in this world is fake. 

In the last three years, my life is full with the stories of bad relationships. I'm not so young but I'm carefree and a bit crazy. I admit, I have a flaw perception of intimacy; so much so that the very phrase "make love" makes me uncomfortable. I mean, honestly, who says that?! To me it a thing for flowery romance novels; It is not for me.

I'm a bold and simple! I’m a man unafraid of sexuality, and not afraid to tell a woman I'm seeing that I want her, that I desire her; that I want to enjoy her nakedness and have sex with her.

And that’s what I do.

It took me some time, but I finally know the answer to the question. I don’t make love. I have sex. I get laid. I fuck...

Ok calm down. 😉

I'm  returning into regular daily routine.

I woke up at 6 a.m. and I just finished the 4th yoga practice of this week. Although I have deleted all phone numbers of my former girlfriends I still keep the one. Last night I contacted her, I want to meet her for the weekend.

She is a divorced single mother with small kids. She is torn between several identities – that of a loving, attentive mother, hard working, busy, business woman and that of a single woman.

True, I have not seen her in the last six months but we text each other, we send smileys and kisses once per week and we talk on the phone once a month but guess what? She brushed me off so fiercely...

Really, what did I expect?

Dating single moms with small kids is a headache. 

Dealing with single baby mamas is a recipe for drama, and more drama. They may promise to come on time, after or before work, but in the last moment always something happen and they excuse running late or not coming at all. Seriously, are they worth of this grief? They life is stranded, should I join them in their misery?

Make no mistake, if you decide to date a single mom, there are compromises that you are going to make that are far more of a price for the simple fuck. Whether or not they admit it, single moms view men as a meal ticket; the relationship is often a mask for their own selfishness. They are too exhausted from juggling work, kids, and who knows what else. They bitch about not having enough time for meeting you, not enough time for sleep and not enough support from their ex-spouse.

Their schedule is never open. Simply put, you are not a priority. You're behind, her kid, her job and the kitchen sink. They are emotionally unavailable; be sure she cannot fall in love with you because her primary focus is somewhere else. As it is so obvious, you will be seeing her only for sex but certainly you cannot avoid get sucked into her life.  

Oh well I said too much, I will stop here, we have just run out of time.

Welcome to ZMARK BLOG!!! Like us on Facebook. (or not, it doesn't matter).

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

If you find me charming...

it means that right now you’re in a good mood, nothing else!

The whole relationship thing? I'm over it. Yeah, I said it. Do you need a relationship because you feel lonely? Sorry, I don't understand you, I'm done with that nonsense. I should clarify - It's not having a casual sex that I am over. It’s using it as an excuse to be in relationship that I am just so sick. It is so shitty to see so many people holding hands and talking stupidities just to fill out the time between two sexual encounters.

Anyway, back to the main theme of my post... I am back to online dating. Yesterday the women started to react on my profile. I copy/paste the blog post 77 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex on a First Date, made it my profileand naturally the women started to contact me...

I'm loyal, considerate, sensible, trustworthy, respectful, good listener, generous to a fault, helpful, heart of gold, devoted, funny, kind.  Looking for - a guy who loves life, stays fit and lives a healthy lifestyle, non-smoker, preferably no kids, open minded, trustworthy, protective, strong, witty, dedicated, no older than 48, likes to travel,  - a woman, 42 years old, profile from

Yes, she winked, then she liked one of my photos and emailed me about it. I read her profile. A self-described "spiritual but non-religious." Couple years younger than me, similar backgrounds, tall, wiry, pretty face if she actually looks like her photo. And quite well-figure. Why not contact!

And this is how bullshit starts... email, exchange of some quasi philosophy...

I don't believe in The One in online dating affairs. It all starts with excitement, text messages and waiting for Friday and it is nice in the beginning, but it doesn't last. Online dating has no "middle", it is only the beginning and end. It doesn't matter how long "The beginning" takes...a date or 10 dates.

In my experience on I've seen it all. Women claiming to have trust issues, a laundry list of needs, wants and demands in a man. Unrealistic considering what they have to offer.

They all have self-respect, they want to see the world but if somebody else pays the expenses, they have children or a pet who are on the first place in their life and they look for a man who will make them laugh etc.. And all of them, no exceptions, are saying that they are looking for a long term relations and not looking for a sex. Hm... Come'n're on a dating site dude.

The relation of man vs women on is 10:1 so they can be very selective. Lets face it: as a women you just have to smile and you got 10 guys putting comments and asking to meet. For women, the online dating is like shopping for new table in their dining room but at some point they have to see their perfect match in person to know if it’s a good fit...and there comes the real truth.

I am sorry for those women on the match. They have too many choices which lead them to indecision and unhappiness with their selection. I have noticed at the first sign of a disagreement they are back on the dating site looking around again, unwilling to accept any imperfections. Hello honey, people are imperfect!!!

What's the point for online dating? 
We only find someone to lose them later.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Being busy doing nothing

My vacation is finished. I did not work on Thursday and Friday. I was busy doing nothing.

How many times you tell you are busy and have too much to do? Are you actually busy doing nothing like me? You know the nothing that I am talking about - watching hours the Facebook feed, looking at TV, browsing the news, or playing with the phone, sending text messages to your also busy friends.

And this is what I was doing all these days.

Only the Dreamer changed my usual busy routine. She was with me on Wednesday night, and Friday night. Yesterday she came around 9 p.m. and we went to Reservoir Lounge. We were with friends and the music was great, we danced. She went home at 2:30 a.m. I felt so tired and only what I wanted is to go to sleep...

This morning I woke up at 7 a.m., just 4 hours of sleep. I lead yoga class at my friends place. We started at 9 a.m.. There were 9 of us and the practice was excellent although we did not do strengthening poses. After the practice we went to sauna and I had breakfast with my fiend.

I came home around noon, tired and sleepy, went directly to bed and slept 3 hours. And then I continue to do nothing. I tell myself that it’s okay to do nothing and that I deserve some dozing off during a day but I really don’t believe that is the right way of living. I want others to believe that I am as busy (just as they are), so I distract myself with these mindless, bullshit tasks.

Modern life does not allow idleness and laziness. No one ever say - I wasn’t doing anything. It looks and feels better to be doing something. Unfortunately, you tend to equate being busy with being alive. If you’re fully living your life, you must be doing something... anything. Being busy gives you a sense of importance and value. When you’re doing something you feel you matter... until you look deeper at what you’re actually doing.

Except my yoga practice I have realized that most of the time I am not doing anything. I am a fake busy guy. I have a false sense of productivity and purpose. I plunge into an useless activity without thinking about the outcome. I only realize when I'm done that I see time has passed and I run to another useless activity.

I have an amazing ability to justify my actions. The post I am writing today is sharing with you my idiotic behaviour. This is an exercise that I need to do for myself with a main goal to become aware of my behavior. I can’t change something until I know what it is and take responsibility for it. From here I can move in a different direction.

My dear,

Know that doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.

For while you are doing nothing you at least recognize that nothing is being accomplished.

While being busy – doing nothing, showers upon you the delusion that you are actually accomplishing something. Being busy – doing nothing, allows you the leeway to say “I am busy,” when in reality you’re not, you’re just moving around frantically.

Being busy doing nothing is comparable to moving without a purpose.

Sure, you are expanding a great deal of energy, but for what?

Stop being busy my dear.

Falsely yours,

Lao Tzu

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Nietzsche is dead - God.

Don't make the same mistakes twice. Say NO to re-incarnation.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."

Forgive me, O God, my little jokes on you, and I'll forgive your great big joke you cast on me.

In the beginning there was nothing and God said "Let there be light", and there was still nothing but everybody thought for sure that they could see and feel something.

If you can life without caffeine, if you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, if you can resist complaining, if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, if you can take criticism and blame without resentment, if you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her, if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, if you can face the world without lies and deceit, if you can conquer tension without medical help, if you can relax without drinks, if you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!

A new monk arrives at the old monastery for his life of shared poverty and prayer, and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying, and muttering between tears: “There’s an R! There’s an R!” He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, “The original word isn’t “celibate” but “celebrate.”

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up the followers during a satsang: “And in conclusion...”

Oh boy! Oh boy!" cried the monk-on-probation who had just cracked the Zen Master's favorite (and valuable) drinking cup. The frightened youngster went to the Zen Master and asked, "Why must there be death"? The Master answered, "Death is natural. It comes to all persons and things. We should not greet it with fear or meet death with anger. Why do you ask"?

"Because, Master, death has come upon your cup."

The Yogi walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor and said: “Make me one with everything.” When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said “Don’t I get any change?” The proprietor said, “Change must come from within.”

A father was explaining to a friend that he used to be worried about his son. "Before he would just sit around the house and do nothing, but now he meditates."

Friday, December 2, 2016

77 Reasons You Should Have Sex On A First Date

Spice up your relationship today with K-Y official brand Jelly!!!
a water-based, water-soluble personal lubricant
- Johnson & Johnson.

Hello there, are you a woman over 40? Do you have an online dating profile?


Then I am talking to you.

Online dating... if you're not so serious about it, it can be a great fun. Listen, there are no 77 reasons you should have sex on a first date, there is only one. It's perfectly okay to have sex on a first date. What do you have to lose? Your virginity? Dignity? Respect? Save time, do it on a first date.

You, as a woman in 40s, typically divorced or separated, are so caught up in society's expectation that you disregard your own personal desire. You're too busy trying to decipher what a guy is thinking that you don't listen to what you actually want. I can give you a great secret: he is not thinking about anything... except sex.

Come'n, how soon is too soon? How long do you wait before fooling around? What is appropriate? If you give it up too quickly, is that a bad sign for the potential relationship? Are you just easy if you give it up on first date? Are you frigid if you don't give it up within, say, 5 dates? Does your age plays into any of this?

Why put all this sex power and judgments into the guy hands? And moreover, why would you want to be with a man who don't respect your desires?

The first date is weird. You meet the stranger and the beginning is a little awkward. It involves drinking and careful eating and having a boring conversation. You may find him attractive even before you met him. You have already exchanged a few messages and you gave him your phone number. He called you. He was hot and you thought you are sharing the same interests. He asked you out on a date for a dinner, you agreed. You met him, you sat on the table across, you like him and having a great time and then... what?

A nice, normal, getting-to-know-you-and-laugh conversation; he is buying everything what you say. He doesn't just tell you every boring detail of his trivial life, you're not into that shit. You're actually having a real fun, you're relaxed and getting hot. The time is passing quickly, you're trying to fill out the gaps by talking gibberish, and you both laugh, you just don't want to hear him yelling "the bill please!"...

It is WTF situation, you have finally met him, it took a long process from seeing him online, texting, flirting and now? You want the whole package but unfortunately, the online dating has not removed all the boundaries around the first date sex, it is a topic of controversy, with many of you still believing in the shameful thing to do it. There's nothing wrong with having sex on a first date. Nobody going to think less of you or judge you. If you're feeling hot and you want it, then you should go for it.

Sex is not an exchange of goods, where you give it and a man receives it. Having sex on the first date shouldn't negatively impact chances for a long-term relationship. If so, then it is better to discover his abilities sooner than later.

I believe that when you start dating someone over 40s, something should happen within three dates. I recommend sex on the first date. Chemistry is the key - and if there is chemistry, then certainly everything is open. Having sex on the first date significantly cuts the time, (who has time?). So what are you waiting for?

Good luck. You got this.