Thursday, December 22, 2016

My Spiritual Journey


I am not writing this trying to win your approval or sell you this particular brand of bullshit. On my blog, I am not advising you to meditate, pray or chant. I am not concerned if you do yoga or not. I am not trying to cleanse your chakras or purify your soul or get you happy. I'm certainly not trying to save you. Save from what? From yourself. Impossible.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I was struggling with my beliefs with no real sense of what really matters in life. I use to drive BMW and wear expensive clothes...

Around year 2000 a state of inner dissatisfaction appeared, and it culminated in 2001. And that dissatisfaction with life is what I consider to be the most critical first step towards spiritual journey. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea, but I believe it’s a great place for anyone to begin.

You begin spiritual journey by being total asshole and then you proceed step by step to find out that same fact for yourself. 

Some people may be naturally interested in spirituality, work hard to grow as person - to be better person, say sorry when they are done wrong, and similar bullshit; however, they may find it difficult to see the obvious and ugly truth.

I can trace my spiritual journey back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing events. I wanted to become Avatar, a saint. Yes, I really wanted that. Suffice it to say, I did not know what that exactly means but I felt it was something good to strive for.

I started with Theosophy. I read Secret Doctrine by Madame Blavatsky and I like it. I needed more. I quite naturally, thought that it is important to understand spiritual teaching. I thought that it is vital that my information be correct and precise. I thought that this enlightenment thing is like school where I have to understand one thing before I can understand the next thing.

Soon I have seen that esoteric stuff does not help much. I was not reaching infinite, I was not pure bliss. So I left theosophy and started to study Gurdjieff and his Fourth Way. The things he discussed I heard it for the first time. He was talking to me. I sincerely practiced self-observation and self-remembrance for a year or so. I was surprised and upset about my own personality and my behavior. I discovered my inner world of lies, fears and frustrations. I discovered my own walking sleep.

Then I started to ask myself consciously questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? What am I here for? Am I doer or just an actor? Am I at sleep all the time? How can I be awake? Where am I going? I started to reject questions of general society such as “what you do” and “what you have" and replaced them with with questions that get at the purpose and meaning of life.

I discovered Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi and they told me that I need to be... just be. I was in state of complete daze when I read Nisargadatta for the first time. So there I was, in the middle of my desperate search for purpose and meaning, and there was Nisargadatta. His words may not seem profound or earth-shattering to you, but they were for me at that time. They were the beginning of my conscious journey to become Who I Am...

From the very beginning of my spiritual journey I practiced daily meditation in the form of zazen for several years. Sure, I had a spiritual awakening six years ago, and life started to look weird. I believe we have put here by a lifeform more intelligent than ourselves; this life could be a hologram or a hallucination or something in between. The truth is I really do not know!

The most common, widely-held fantasy about enlightenment is that it is freedom from suffering, the transcendence of pain and struggle, the land of milk and honey, a state of perpetual love, bliss, and peace. Enlightenment represents the collectively-shared dream of an idealized and perfect world of pure beauty and joy. It is not only New Age fantasy, it is the secret wish of all people. It is our shared dream of salvation. But it is only a fantasy.

- Halfway Up the Mountain: The Error of Premature Claims to Enlightenment, Mariana Caplan

To be quite honest, in a moment of spiritual awakening, I did not quite grasped any truth, there was no explanations. It is simple clarity without any sense. I concluded it is only the start of a journey. There are other questions to be answered. And really, you learn more and more about bullshit as the days go by; with each new disappointment multiple questions disappear.

Four years ago I met my last teacher, Jed McKenna. About 80% of the people who read Jed McKenna’s book, Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing, become fucked up and depressed for about a month after reading it. That is why I am apprehensive about suggesting it to you to read it, yet it is quite frankly the one of the most influential book I have read, and my current life philosophy is based around some of the core concepts of the book.

McKenna cuts through all spiritual bullshit. Everything you do, every identity you create in life, is in fear of the fact that your life has no meaning. Fear that nothing really matters and your living is futile.

You see, in self-discovery there is nothing to discover. Even though I still might see myself on a journey, I am not seeking anything; there is nothing to be found, except that I am an asshole. But I already know that.


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