Tuesday, February 28, 2017

My Yoga Practice

I don’t have the answers, about yoga, divorce, dating, losing belly or why are women over 45 losing interest for sex... and I get irritated when I read other people putting themselves out there as self-help gurus, therapists, or doctors. However, I have learned one thing, daily practice of Ashtanga yoga is what counts. I have started practicing yoga in May 2006. At present I am not going to yoga studios I maintain home practice only.

I am 52 years old, male, former basketball player... I cannot sit in a lotus pose, my body is not flexible. Couple years ago, I have torn MCL on the left knee, the right knee is not any better... but regardless of age, flexibility, and injuries, I practice half primary ashtanga yoga almost every day...

I have learned the Primary Series by heart and I practice it by myself in my own tempo and without instructions from a teacher.I do that alone at home, my attention is turned out inwards, in the sense of I AM, hence there is a meditative aspect of my daily practice.

The goal of my practice is to complete Primary Series, but this will never happen. Anyway, daily practice is a very good exercise in self-awareness. Where am I today? How far can I go? At what point is my mind shutting down and why? Can I do one more pose? Is it enough for today?

The daily result of Ashtanga yoga is realizing what I can do or what I cannot (yet) do. It helps me find where my strengths lie and what my weaknesses are. In this practice, I learn about myself and this develops my awareness.

I stay away from teachers who push me to things I am not ready for. And I stay away from my lazy ego that tells me I should not go on the mat. I practice what I can and that is enough...

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Whatever happens there... stays there

Here I am, on Sunday, February 26th, at the end of a beautiful weekend. Fortunately, I can say everything came into right place for me and the Dreamer. Guess what, this relationship with no future turned out to be a very exciting one Since Montego Bay vacation we become very close and we improved our intimacy on many levels.

She came on Friday evening. We went to watch 50 Shades Darker. It was a disappointing film, I don't recommend anyone to watch it, the first part was much better. We returned late from the cinema, sometime after midnight, and we ordered pizza and drunk beer. We went to bed around 3 am.

On Saturday morning we woke up late, after 10, and we had breakfast in the bed. She went to do some errands and she returned to my place in afternoon. I prepared for her a late lunch and then we had a nap. She slept, I didn't. I felt a deep connection with her I enjoyed being close and smell her body.

We got up around 7, and went to Ikea. I bought new linen and cover sheets. I like changing things in my apartment. The Dreamer helped me to chose right color combination for the bed sheets, she has a very good taste for such things.

We returned from Ikea, around 9 p.m, prepared dinner, chicken nuggets, and we opened the first bottle of wine. I put the new linen and cover sheets to wash... We talked and laughed. We were supposed to go to Fregata club at Dundas, we had the reservation for a dinner there but we decided not to go. When I opened the second bottle of wine we turned the music louder and we start dancing...

The linen was dried by 1 a.m. and we made the bed. The picture does not really show it but it's looking really good. At present, my bedroom is painted in light green and I want to change it to dark gray. So this is a project for next weekend.

We went to sleep this morning around 3:30... We were a bit drunk and we had a wonderful time. I love her. I like to be with the Dreamer, most of the time she is full of problems with her life but when she is relaxed she is so adorable and funny and sweet.

We got up at 10:30 and we had fruits and pasteta for breakfast. She left home one hour ago. I am going to meet my friend for a coffee today afternoon, to get the metropass for next month. And tonight at 7 I am going for a birthday party. Nice weekend.

UPDATE: Friday, March 3, 2017

I am on vacation. There is no so much work, I am awaiting UAT code promotion for my project so I took two days off. Yesterday, I bought a vacuum cleaner and prepared the bedroom for painting. Last night I painted it into light gray. Job.... done!

Friday, February 24, 2017

For my friend who asked me for a dating advice

"Well," he said, opening the door to his car, "all you can do is put on an appearance of confidence sometimes. And after a while, others will start to believe it." He grabbed the door handle to pull it closed. "And then you die." Slam!!!  - Neil Strauss

After divorce I went to match.com and so began the weirdest phase of my life. Dating was easy, I was always Zee with his routines and outward I appeared confident, but mastering my inner emotions after long marriage and changing old thought patterns was not easy... but why I'm writing this?

One my recently divorced friend asked me to give him a dating advice. I asked him...

Are you interested in dating?

I suppose you're, and you want to find out the way to the success, the right move, you want to get that glorious key to her heart. Do you search for love?

Listen, after divorce you'll never fix what was broken inside. All you can do is to embrace the damage and move on. So don't search for love be a realist. Dating is hilarious. In fact, it is the best joke which you will never quite get. It's the funny thing if you don't have expectations. I hear you, your efforts are being supported by the universe; your dreams manifest into reality before your eyes. You are the architect of your life but when it comes to dating you throw shit at yourself.

So don't search for love on online dating sites... Ooooh, you just want a casual sex! Fine, but do you understand that there is no such thing as a casual sex? That is a downside of online dating.

You see, it costs you financially and emotionally. It starts as a casual sex but after awhile it develops to something else. And when you think that things are just falling into a place nicely, usually what happens, yours expectations don't match hers, then whoever holds the highest expectations, and that is usually you, start suffering.

Sex always comes with a price and despite of how you look at that gymnastics, sex is largely a game of chance for you and a game of choice for her.

Ah women, I love them. They are at different places in their lives when you meet them online. Most of them are divorced. If they decide to meet you, they may be looking for a fuck buddy, an one-night stand or a husband, which I doubt, or a revenge fuck. Or they may be looking just for a dinner and glass of wine or two. In most cases, you get nothing from first date because they're recovering from a recent separation.

I want you to know that I'm being sincere. Really. The online dating is a stage, meeting a woman for a date is a game and you should be just a player. One of many. You see, the game can be manipulated to a player's advantage with the right routines. Dating ... if you're not so serious about it, it can be a great fun.

Most of the first dates are horribly bland. The vanilla conversations, never really amounting to anything beyond what you do for a living, where and how you got divorced, how this online thing has been going for you, etc. It is awkward, there's nothing there, despite previously flirty texts and phone calls.

On a date don't talk about common things, try to avoid small talk at all cost. Small talk is a death. Instead, talk to her like you'd talk to one of your buddies. Talk about interesting things. Laugh. You shouldn't realistically need to say much. Just let her do the talking for the most part, then occasionally respond with "Oh really?" or something funny.

Don't just tell her every boring detail of your trivial life. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Above all, have a fun, be relaxed and focus on having a good time. If she's not engaging you, she's not doing you a favor just because she's attractive. Relationships are a two-way street. She's gotta impress you too.

Imagine this...

You met her online. She looked attractive. You've exchanged a few messages and you gave her your phone number. She text you and you had a digital diarrhea of the constant messaging for a two or three days. She appeared interested and you're thinking you are sharing the same interests. You asked her out on a date for a dinner, she agreed. You met her and then... what?

Yes, you want to have a nice, normal, getting-to-know-you-and-laugh conversation but she is not buying anything what you say and she is so secretive about herself. Oh well, time is passing slowly, You're trying to fill out the gaps by starting to talk gibberish, she just listen without saying anything.

You want to yell "the bill please!," but the waiter did not even brought the wine yet...

How would you react in a WTF situation like this?

This is the kind of awkward date you will never forget because it makes you self-aware. It is perfectly wrong and sleazy, you know it but you cannot be true to yourself and just walk away...

Don't be against the bad first date? It's better to have a bad first date than a good one and start dating your new love just to be disappointed later, down the road. Think about it, a bad first date can save you a lot of time and heartache in the future, and money.

Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You're aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can't be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn't be. - C. JoyBell 

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I don't weep, do you?

There is so much that you can learn from Charles Bukowski. He was an alcoholic, a heavy drinker, a smoker. He used to gamble a lot and he loved women so much that he spent all his money on them and of course the booze. He was a writer too. If you have never read anything from him, you're probably thinking what the fuck, he's the last person you would ever look to learn anything but I am telling you, he is the perfect place to start learning about life.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
in there.

Bukowski didn’t give a fuck about his success as a writer. Even when he was famous, he still read his poetry hammered. He still tried to sleep with every woman he could find. Fame and success didn't make him a better person. He was not any happier then before...

I don't like positive expectations such as be happier, be richer, be smarter, faster, more popular, more productive, be healthier, sexier ... I despise commercials about happy families... you know, like a husband kissing his selfie-ready spouse in the morning... a breakfast, eggs and pancakes with kids and orange juice, newspapers and coffee... after then he, with smiling fucking face, sit in his mercedes going to his wonderfully fulfilling job, spending his days doing incredibly meaningful work making like a ton of money.

But when you stop and really look such advertisements and then look around yourself, this positive and happy stuff you see all the time is actually attention on what you don't have. It gives you feeling that you are a loser, you perceive your shortcomings and you clearly see your failures. You stand in front of the mirror and repeat bullshit affirmations fooling yourself with wishful thinking.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up? 
you want to screw up the
you want to blow my book sales in

Ironically, this fixation on the positive is the cause of your suffering. Fuck it! Focusing on what you lack will not improve your happiness, happy person does not feel the need to stand in front of a mirror and repeat that he’s happy.

TV commercials want you to believe that the key to a good life is a nicer job, bigger house, bigger car, a prettier girlfriend, a fucking hot tub with a fucking trampoline for the kids. This society is constantly telling you that to be happy you need more, more and more — buy more, work more, own more, eat more, shit more, fuck more... You are constantly bombarded with messages to care about your appearance, your wealth, retirement, kids, job... take care about everything, all the time. Have a better vacation than your coworkers, a newer lawn machine from your neighbour and have a longer fucking selfie stick!

And of course... disappointment comes into your life. It is a natural consequence of your way of living, like it is natural for a fox to sometimes eat a rabbit. You get pissed off at the stupidest, simple stuff, and you have no idea why. Disappointment is maybe not a right word, but you feel like shit for seeing images of people totally happy and having amazing fucking lives, and it’s impossible to not feel like there’s something wrong with you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
and we sleep together like
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do

If you find yourself giving too much attention about trivial shit that bothers you such as how many likes your new Facebook picture have or how quickly the batteries of your phone die or why did you miss that wonderful sale... why your favorite soccer team lost the game and similar shit... all chances are you don't have much going on in your life. And that’s your real problem. Not the Facebook picture, not the phone, neither the sale nor the fucking soccer game.