I don’t have the answers, about yoga, divorce, dating, losing belly or why are women over 45 losing interest for sex... and I get irritated when I read other people putting themselves out there as self-help gurus, therapists, or doctors. However, I have learned one thing, daily practice of Ashtanga yoga is what counts. I have started practicing yoga in May 2006. At present I am not going to yoga studios I maintain home practice only.

I am 52 years old, male, former basketball player... I cannot sit in a lotus pose, my body is not flexible. Couple years ago, I have torn MCL on the left knee, the right knee is not any better... but regardless of age, flexibility, and injuries, I practice half primary ashtanga yoga almost every day...

I have learned the Primary Series by heart and I practice it by myself in my own tempo and without instructions from a teacher.I do that alone at home, my attention is turned out inwards, in the sense of I AM, hence there is a meditative aspect of my daily practice.

The goal of my practice is to complete Primary Series, but this will never happen. Anyway, daily practice is a very good exercise in self-awareness. Where am I today? How far can I go? At what point is my mind shutting down and why? Can I do one more pose? Is it enough for today?

The daily result of Ashtanga yoga is realizing what I can do or what I cannot (yet) do. It helps me find where my strengths lie and what my weaknesses are. In this practice, I learn about myself and this develops my awareness.

So I stay away from teachers who push me to things I am not ready for. And stay away from my lazy ego that tells me I should not go on the mat. I practice what I can and that is enough...

2017
January - 16 practices
February - 14 practices
March - 17 practices
April - 16 practices
May - 14 practices
June - 17 practices
July - 16 practices
August -  8 practices


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Here I am, on Sunday, February 26th, at the end of a beautiful weekend. Fortunately, I can say everything came into right place for me and the Dreamer. Guess what, this relationship with no future turned out to be a very exciting one Since Montego Bay vacation we become very close and we improved our intimacy on many levels.

She came on Friday evening. We went to watch 50 Shades Darker. It was a disappointing film, I don't recommend anyone to watch it, the first part was much better. We returned late from the cinema, sometime after midnight, and we ordered pizza and drunk beer. We went to bed around 3 am.

On Saturday morning we woke up late, after 10, and we had breakfast in the bed. She went to do some errands and she returned to my place in afternoon. I prepared for her a late lunch and then we had a nap. She slept, I didn't. I felt a deep connection with her I enjoyed being close and smell her body.


We got up around 7, and went to Ikea. I bought new linen and cover sheets. I like changing things in my apartment. The Dreamer helped me to chose right color combination for the bed sheets, she has a very good taste for such things.

We returned from Ikea, around 9 p.m, prepared dinner, chicken nuggets, and we opened the first bottle of wine. I put the new linen and cover sheets to wash... We talked and laughed. We were supposed to go to Fregata club at Dundas, we had the reservation for a dinner there but we decided not to go. When I opened the second bottle of wine we turned the music louder and we start dancing...

The linen was dried by 1 a.m. and we made the bed. The picture does not really show it but it's looking really good. At present, my bedroom is painted in light green and I want to change it to dark gray. So this is a project for next weekend.

We went to sleep this morning around 3:30... We were a bit drunk and we had a wonderful time. I love her. I like to be with the Dreamer, most of the time she is full of problems with her life but when she is relaxed she is so adorable and funny and sweet.

We got up at 10:30 and we had fruits and pasteta for breakfast. She left home one hour ago. I am going to meet my friend for a coffee today afternoon, to get the metropass for next month. And tonight at 7 I am going for a birthday party. Nice weekend.

UPDATE: Friday, March 3, 2017

I am on vacation. There is no so much work, I am awaiting UAT code promotion for my project so I took two days off. Yesterday, I bought a vacuum cleaner and prepared the bedroom for painting. Last night I painted it into light gray. Job.... done!



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"Well," he said, opening the door to his car, "all you can do is put on an appearance of confidence sometimes. And after a while, others will start to believe it." He grabbed the door handle to pull it closed. "And then you die." Slam!!!  - Neil Strauss

After divorce I went to match.com and so began the weirdest phase of my life. Dating was easy, I was always Zee with his routines and outward I appeared confident, but mastering my inner emotions after long marriage and changing old thought patterns was not easy... but why I'm writing this?

One my recently divorced friend asked me to give him a dating advice. I asked him...

Are you interested in dating?

I suppose you're, and you want to find out the way to the success, the right move, you want to get that glorious key to her heart. Do you search for love?

Listen, after divorce you'll never fix what was broken inside. All you can do is to embrace the damage and move on. So don't search for love be a realist. Dating is hilarious. In fact, it is the best joke which you will never quite get. It's the funny thing if you don't have expectations. I hear you, your efforts are being supported by the universe; your dreams manifest into reality before your eyes. You are the architect of your life but when it comes to dating you throw shit at yourself.

So don't search for love on online dating sites... Ooooh, you just want a casual sex! Fine, but do you understand that there is no such thing as a casual sex? That is a downside of online dating.

You see, it costs you financially and emotionally. It starts as a casual sex but after awhile it develops to something else. And when you think that things are just falling into a place nicely, usually what happens, yours expectations don't match hers, then whoever holds the highest expectations, and that is usually you, start suffering.

Sex always comes with a price and despite of how you look at that gymnastics, sex is largely a game of chance for you and a game of choice for her.

Ah women, I love them. They are at different places in their lives when you meet them online. Most of them are divorced. If they decide to meet you, they may be looking for a fuck buddy, an one-night stand or a husband, which I doubt, or a revenge fuck. Or they may be looking just for a dinner and glass of wine or two. In most cases, you get nothing from first date because they're recovering from a recent separation.

I want you to know that I'm being sincere. Really. The online dating is a stage, meeting a woman for a date is a game and you should be just a player. One of many. You see, the game can be manipulated to a player's advantage with the right routines. Dating ... if you're not so serious about it, it can be a great fun.

Most of the first dates are horribly bland. The vanilla conversations, never really amounting to anything beyond what you do for a living, where and how you got divorced, how this online thing has been going for you, etc. It is awkward, there's nothing there, despite previously flirty texts and phone calls.

On a date don't talk about common things, try to avoid small talk at all cost. Small talk is a death. Instead, talk to her like you'd talk to one of your buddies. Talk about interesting things. Laugh. You shouldn't realistically need to say much. Just let her do the talking for the most part, then occasionally respond with "Oh really?" or something funny.

Don't just tell her every boring detail of your trivial life. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Above all, have a fun, be relaxed and focus on having a good time. If she's not engaging you, she's not doing you a favor just because she's attractive. Relationships are a two-way street. She's gotta impress you too.

Imagine this...

You met her online. She looked attractive. You've exchanged a few messages and you gave her your phone number. She text you and you had a digital diarrhea of the constant messaging for a two or three days. She appeared interested and you're thinking you are sharing the same interests. You asked her out on a date for a dinner, she agreed. You met her and then... what?

Yes, you want to have a nice, normal, getting-to-know-you-and-laugh conversation but she is not buying anything what you say and she is so secretive about herself. Oh well, time is passing slowly, You're trying to fill out the gaps by starting to talk gibberish, she just listen without saying anything.

You want to yell "the bill please!," but the waiter did not even brought the wine yet...

How would you react in a WTF situation like this?

This is the kind of awkward date you will never forget because it makes you self-aware. It is perfectly wrong and sleazy, you know it but you cannot be true to yourself and just walk away...

Don't be against the bad first date? It's better to have a bad first date than a good one and start dating your new love just to be disappointed later, down the road. Think about it, a bad first date can save you a lot of time and heartache in the future, and money.

Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You're aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can't be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn't be. - C. JoyBell 

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Hope you are not doing well!

It's me writing to you; I'm 52 now, so many things I would like to say to you but I don’t want to lecture you, I know how much you hate that, but fuck you, I’ll say what I have to say. I am pissed off on you, and believe me, swearing helps. There is no use in keeping things in head. The best thing to do is to say it.

All these years, I have closely observed you and I've seen what you really are.

You are a piece of shit, little "me"!

You plead for happiness, but security means everything to you. Since you have never learned to be happy, to enjoy and play in life, you lack the courage and integrity.

Let me tell you, my little "me", what kind of shit you are?

You read books, listen to to the radio, and you pretend that you are spiritual being but you are unaware of your abysmal stupidity and your bad taste. Listen...

Every single "I" of your composition throws a light on the wretchedness of my existence. Every one of your petty "I"s diminishes the hope of realizing true value of my life. It is just ground for my sorrow, little "me", for deep, heartbreaking sorrow.

Sometimes you might sound cynical, but you are not. The fact is, it doesn't matter what kind of person you are, your shitty characteristics tend to come to the forefront whenever I act... You want to be perfect, but I cannot rely on you. Telling what you don’t know makes you liar. You're lazier than you would ever admit. You're so selfish than you would ever admit. You're vain than you would ever admit. You're insecure than you would ever admit. Despite all that, you secretly think you're a better person than most people. I believe that most of what’s wrong in my life is your fault. It really is all about you.
Have you ever listened closely to a nightclub entertainer jokes about you? About you and the whole wretched world you have created. You hear a joke about you and you join in the laughter. You don't laugh because you appreciate humor at your own expense. You laugh at the joke without suspecting that you are laughing at yourself, that the joke is on you.

Why have you been laughed at so heartily, so openly, so maliciously, down through all these years?

I will tell you why little shit, because I take you seriously, very seriously: you miss the truth in your thinking. You think more about what others think about you than about who you really are. Forget about your neighbor, little "me" and look inside yourself! Your neighbor, too, will be grateful. Tell to me that you're no longer willing to work for death but only for life.

You're nothing, little piece of shit! Nothing whatever! Unfortunately, You have built my life, without knowledge of what you're building. You have built a prison for me.

I'm not you, little "me", and I haven't the faintest idea what you really are. I don't even know how to define you.  In view of all this, fuck off, little "me".

I will serve you no more, I refuse to let my concern for you torture me slowly to death. You can't follow me to the distant places I'm bound for. You'd be scared to death to know what the future has in store for me - because undoubtedly you're in the process of dying, little "me"! And I am not sorry for you.

I'll stop hiding behind your stupid stories little "me". No matter who I am, there are times when I get a hint that I am not you. Even if it is only in a dream, there is a part of me which is infinity. I am not you little "me"! Goodbye you little shit.

Sincerely;

Fuck off!

Zee

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There is so much that you can learn from Charles Bukowski. He was an alcoholic, a heavy drinker, a smoker. He used to gamble a lot and he loved women so much that he spent all his money on them and of course the booze. He was a writer too. If you have never read anything from him, you're probably thinking what the fuck, he's the last person you would ever look to learn anything but I am telling you, he is the perfect place to start learning about life.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

Bukowski didn’t give a fuck about his success as a writer. Even when he was famous, he still read his poetry hammered. He still tried to sleep with every woman he could find. Fame and success didn't make him a better person. He was not any happier then before...

I don't like positive expectations such as be happier, be richer, be smarter, faster, more popular, more productive, be healthier, sexier ... I despise commercials about happy families... you know, like a husband kissing his selfie-ready spouse in the morning... a breakfast, eggs and pancakes with kids and orange juice, newspapers and coffee... after then he, with smiling fucking face, sit in his mercedes going to his wonderfully fulfilling job, spending his days doing incredibly meaningful work making like a ton of money.

But when you stop and really look such advertisements and then look around yourself, this positive and happy stuff you see all the time is actually attention on what you don't have. It gives you feeling that you are a loser, you perceive your shortcomings and you clearly see your failures. You stand in front of the mirror and repeat bullshit affirmations fooling yourself with wishful thinking.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up? 
you want to screw up the
works? 
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe? 

Ironically, this fixation on the positive is the cause of your suffering. Fuck it! Focusing on what you lack will not improve your happiness, happy person does not feel the need to stand in front of a mirror and repeat that he’s happy.

TV commercials want you to believe that the key to a good life is a nicer job, bigger house, bigger car, a prettier girlfriend, a fucking hot tub with a fucking trampoline for the kids. This society is constantly telling you that to be happy you need more, more and more — buy more, work more, own more, eat more, shit more, fuck more... You are constantly bombarded with messages to care about your appearance, your wealth, retirement, kids, job... take care about everything, all the time. Have a better vacation than your coworkers, a newer lawn machine from your neighbour and have a longer fucking selfie stick!

And of course... disappointment comes into your life. It is a natural consequence of your way of living, like it is natural for a fox to sometimes eat a rabbit. You get pissed off at the stupidest, simple stuff, and you have no idea why. Disappointment is maybe not a right word, but you feel like shit for seeing images of people totally happy and having amazing fucking lives, and it’s impossible to not feel like there’s something wrong with you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you? 

If you find yourself giving too much attention about trivial shit that bothers you such as how many likes your new Facebook picture have or how quickly the batteries of your phone die or why did you miss that wonderful sale... why your favorite soccer team lost the game and similar shit... all chances are you don't have much going on in your life. And that’s your real problem. Not the Facebook picture, not the phone, neither the sale nor the fucking soccer game.

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After twelve years of spiritual search I am nowhere? 

You give no attention to your Self. Your mind is always occupied with things, people and ideas, never with your Self. Bring your Self into focus, become aware of your own existence. See how you function. Watch the motives and the results of your actions. By knowing what you are not you come to know your Self. The way back to your Self is through refusal and rejection. One thing is certain, the real is not imaginary, it is not a product of the mind.

Should I pay attention to "I AM" only?

Even the sense "I am" is not continuous, though it is a useful pointer, it shows where to seek but not what to seek. All you need is to get rid of is the tendency to define your Self. All definitions apply to your body only and to its expressions. Once this obsession with the body goes, you will revert to your natural state spontaneously and effortlessly. You discover it by being earnest, by searching, enquiring, questioning daily and hourly, by giving your life to discovery.

What is the practice? How to proceed?

Like beads on a string, events follow events, forever. They are all strung on the basic idea, "I am the body". But even this is a mental state and does not last. It comes and goes like all other states. The illusion of a body-mind is there only because it is not investigated. Non-investigation is the thread on which all the states of mind are strung. It is like darkness in a closed room. It is there, apparently, but when the room is opened, where does it go? It goes nowhere because it was not there. All states of mind, all names and forms of existence are rooted in non-investigation, non-enquiry, imagination and credulity. It is right to say "I am" but to say "I am this" or "I am that" is a sign of not enquiring, not examining, mental weakness or lethargy.

I create my own world. Is that true?

The world of your perceptions is a very small world indeed. And it is entirely private. Take it to be a dream and be done with it. A dream does not last, neither does your own little world. Is not the idea of a total world a part of your personal world? The universe does not come to tell you that you are a part of it. It is you who have invented a totality to contain you as a part. In fact, all you know is your own private world, however well you have furnished it with your imaginations and expectations.

We sleep and we wake. Both sleep and waking are misnomers. We are only dreaming. True waking and true sleeping, only the jnani knows. We dream that we are awake, we dream that we are asleep. The three states are only varieties of the dream state. Treating everything as a dream liberates. As long as you give reality to dreams, you are their slave. The essence of slavery is to imagine yourself to be a process, to have a past and future, to have history. In fact, we have no history, we are not a process, we do not develop, nor decay; see all as a dream and stay out of it.

Give up all questions except one: ‘Who am I?’ After all, the only fact you are sure of is that you are. The ‘I am’ is certain. The ‘I am this’ is not. Struggle to find out what you are in reality. Discover all that you are not - body, feelings thoughts, time, space, this or that -- nothing, concrete or abstract, which you perceive can be you. The very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive. 

Of course you can [reach Reality], provided you are really fed up with everything, including your spiritual practice. When you demand nothing of the world, nor of God, when you want nothing, seek nothing, expect nothing then the Supreme State will come to you uninvited and unexpected! 

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I've been doing a bit of serious thinking these days. I'm clearing my mind about various things. It’s something akin to age of 52, actually something like early spring cleaning. I feel pulled from the various sources and my life seems to flow by its own. I need to see where I am in order to start over again, fresh.

I’ve been here many times before, and I didn’t always listen my inner guidance. I’ve stood on the verge of change and looked down at my life and I refused to accept new possibilities. Choosing to stay in a place I don’t like simply because I'm lazy and don’t trust my gut, remaining stubbornly atop of bullshit pile of my job, financial debt and all kind of wrong perceptions forces me to wake up, listen, understand and act.

I am not satisfied with my job. Last year, I switched from contact to full time position and since then I have been going steadily into debt. Simply I spend more than what I earn. So I am going to search for another job, the contact again. At present workplace there is no job security at all, new managers have come, Agile methodology and countless brainwashing processes implemented, in other words, I am working like a dog... and what hurts the most, there is no appreciation at all.

I am moving on. I will update the resume today and tomorrow, and on Tuesday I'll sent it out to contract agency to start searching a new job for me. Next week I'm starting preparation for the job interview. I will wait to receive the pity bonus for 2016, sometimes in April, and then leave the current company.

You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book... or you take a trip... and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken. - The Diary of Anaïs Nin

I see that I live my life in a quiet desperation, in an emotional state of hopelessness holding desperately to old habits and established routines. That is going to change because this "meaningful life" tastes like chicken.

I see it for what it is: a mere life of ups and downs, chronic search for happiness, always dissatisfied, always pretending I am happy and successful. I slip into this life that is laid out for me the way a foot slip in the shoe. I decide nothing, there is no choice, I live this by default. I don't know any better, and I don't know the reason why I don't know any better.

Yes, I do yoga, read "I am That" and other classical spiritual literature. I am trying to be aware, to hold onto I AM, to observe myself, I believe that we create our own reality. We look at the world through the glasses of our own thoughts. Right?

I have come to the point of understanding and I openly say - Hey, wait a minute, this is nuts! I want to get out of this merry-go-around and get moving. Spiritual awakening! Huraaaay!!! Peace, love and joy! Global consciousness arising, planet is shifting, gurus and spiritual teaching business flourish, click $15 to listen to the latest satsang online... only $15, you save $5.

If you don't know which road to take, you don't pay attention to the crossroads... The unexamined life, said Socrates, is not worth living. That is some serious shit. It almost offends. Who lives a conscious, examined life? Where are the people living examined lives? Lives worth living? I do examination of my life and I see it for what it is.

If I take Socrates to mean the stagnated, home-work-home, repetitive life is not worth living, then he is saying that most people's lives are not worth the bother. And that should be a bit of encouragement a good news for me. If others are the same as me then it not so bad. So I wait...

We waited and waited. All of us. Didn't the shrink know that waiting was one of the things that drove people crazy? People waited all their lives. They waited to live, they waited to die. They waited in line to buy toilet paper. They waited in line for money. And if they didn't have any money they waited in longer lines. You waited to go to sleep and then you waited to awaken. You waited to get married and you waited to get divorced. You waited for it to rain, you waited for it to stop. You waited to eat and then you waited to eat again. You waited in a shrink's office with a bunch of psychos and you wondered if you were one. - Charles Bukowski

What am I waiting for?

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Recently I'm writing only about my personal life however I have never disregarded awakening and my attempt to be a conscious human being. My life is not a rush and I am not living in a frantic tempo. Not because I want to, but because I just do what is necessary.

I've stopped comparing myself to others. I've stopped competition with others. I am not interested of what people do but I do swear a lot, it helps me letting go of anger when I see what they do. Anger is a destructive feeling, if I am not in control, the anger makes me say things that I don't want to say.

I have done many things in my life, like my marriage, for example, I don't regret any of it. So what?... if I did a fatal mistake marrying my ex and being in a marriage for 22 years. They say, there are things to be learned from every mistake, mistakes are lessons. The lessons for what? Smart guys divorce in late 30ties, not like me, I divorced in 48. What is left for me to learn?

So at the end of the day, I don't worry for this lost time. Worrying is something created in ignorance. 22 years, so what? I don't blame neither myself nor her. An unrealistic perception of life is the base of all problems. I try to laugh at my life as many times as I can. I know, the laugh does not solve anything and yet...

It’s wonderful when people find meaning and purpose in life. I am not there yet. I have no idea what my purpose is. How do I discover it? I’m not talking about my job, my daily responsibilities, or even my long-term goals, which I don't really have, I mean the real reason why I'm here at all — the very reason I exist.

Perhaps I'm rather a nihilistic realist who doesn’t believe in God and other conspiracy theories. Many books seem to assume that we're either genetically (read - divinely) encoded with some sort of built-in purpose, and all we need to do is take the time to discover it. So people write a mission statement and trust that what comes out of that will be the guiding force for the rest of their life. Perhaps every year they update it, while in a mean time...

Every day in subway I see people and I feel so vividly their emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking of something. My feelings merge with them and then I don't see them anymore. It sounds boring to say that one day something will happened to them, they will change and they will understand, they will understand that world we experience is no more "out there" than our dreams.

This might come as a surprise to them, but it is more likely that they simply refuse to see it. Memory, opinions and beliefs, how we see ourselves and others and even our sense of existence, are not as they seem. Our daily world, what we take for granted, our day-to-day existence is largely a product of imagination. A mirage.

The power of our delusions is staggering, yet, the beliefs and opinions are necessary to help us function in the world. The world is supported by our "sleep" and the Nature does not want us to "wake up".

You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well the thing about life is, it gets weird. People are always talking about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin' and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain't no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak. -Bernie LaPlante. Hero

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Home sweet home! The Dreamer just text me that she has arrived at her home. The message came while I was unpacking my suitcase. Today afternoon, we have returned from vacation. The trip back home was pleasant and everything was on time. Yesterday in Montego Bay, we heard about snow storm that happened in Toronto so we were worried about today's trip.

I had wonderful time. The Iberostar hotel was not in full capacity so it was mostly quiet without line ups at the buffet or crazy run for chair in shade. I did not mind other people I was preoccupied with the Dreamer. We talked about everything, our life, our future... Although I am still not completely convinced that we have the one, on this vacation, I have seen her other side, she was tender and funny, she joked and laughed.

I don't allow myself to fall in love with her. I have come to the conclusion that she very easily could be back to her ex, her kids are a powerful force to make her choose that kind of life. The whole situation makes me very much nervous. Uuuhh love.


Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! I'm really indifferent regarding Valentine's Day, and it's a not big deal to the Dreamer too. Which is a good thing. I do see red candy boxes in the stores, I wonder why they are there. Are they bring a recipe for love, or disaster? It  doesn't come as a surprise that Valentine’s Day is the most popular day for dating. Care to guess what the day following Valentine’s Day is most popular for? That’s right, break-up. The Valentine’s Day brings feelings of “love or lose”. Uuuhh love.

Valentine's Day is terrible day, I mean those who are single and those who aren't. For single people, the day is a disappointing reminder they don't have that "significant one" in their life. So single people can choose to ignore Valentine's Day. However, if you're in a relationship, the last thing you want to do is ignore Valentine's Day. But this is exactly what I am going to do.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so what? I hate the drama about it, the red wrapped chocolate, Cupids are stupid. Okay! It's a big commercialized scheme to buy pink crap. There’s nothing natural about Valentine’s Day. It’s a disgusting display of forced affection. Don’t get me wrong, uuuh love is good and maybe the only thing really worth living for in this shallow world.

That's why I will go to beer night tonight at 9 p.m. and meet my friends. Will grab pizza on the way and enjoy the evening. Tomorrow yoga and back to work...

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At the end of 2012 I started blogging and I made a commitment to publish one blog post per day. I deleted the Exploring Dreamstate blog on Sunday, September 25, 2016. There are several reasons why I have done it: First and foremost, I don't want certain people to read my blog anymore. By reading it they are making a connection between us which I don't want to keep. Second, I made myself a way too public so some people got carried away with the following of my life. Third, I could not express myself fully; I've started lying on my own blog, writing what people want to read instead of reporting my life as it is. Fourth, I want to look at my life as an observer, from the outside, to have a better understanding of where I am.

zmark.ca is here for myself to give me orientation for the future and a retrospective of the past making me aware of the present. It is my motivation for daily yoga practice. It is also a place where I can describe my life as it is, my inner thoughts without being afraid of what others think.

I will be writing in my own words maintain blog's professional look and feel. There are no more "My Dear readers" and there is no comment section on the posts. The Exploring Dreamstate posts are deleted, no reminder of the past. I blog about awakening, spirituality, yoga and daily life. I also write about experiences in my relationships and online dating. If you don't follow my blog but you just read one or two articles you might wonder what I'm actually writing about. To be quite honest I'm just having a fun.

According to a well-known theory in quantum physics, a blog post changes depending on whether there is an reader or not. It basically suggests that blog is a kind of illusion and exists only when you are looking at it.

I received a Facebook message from a reader of my blog:

A blog is a lot of work. I understand no comments. But I also think sharing is valuable and that striving for insights is worthy. It's not all a meaningless joke. If you really believed that you wouldn't bother with a public blog. Sometimes you are off the wall and marinating in your own shit -like the rest of us- but other times your honesty is real and insightful. Both are appreciated. Thanks.  And please don't respond! ­čść - Sean

Thank you Sean for kind words. How do people, successful or otherwise, live their life? Everyone has assumed a certain image of himself. "I am so and so" - an image or a pose is behind their actions. That pose is acting. That image has been taken by their concepts about themselves. Whatever goes in the world is based on concepts.

After writing a blog for almost 5 years I came to realization that what we think we are living is not true, we are actually just being lived. Whatever we may think we have understood, whatever is our knowledge, it is all bullshit. Pardon my vulgarity. All teachings, practices, instructions are ideas. A grand idea is that we are growing up, becoming better and wiser, and we have come this way, that way. There are numerous people who told us this but all that is hearsay!

When we move around the world, "living our life", implementing various advices from different people and teachings, various techniques, methods what we study, and then we settle down to a certain conclusion. When we come to conclusion, what happens to us really? We remain the same, but we don't realize that our struggle is not necessary at all.

No advice is ever necessary. There is no change in ourselves whatsoever. We are only moving in ignorance, as long as we don't see our own acting, our life has no meaning. To become more and more convinced, to get more understanding about the falseness of ourselves, life and the world, at the same time means to get more understanding of our true nature, and that is the only thing that matters.

Thanks again Sean. Stay well. I am starting my yoga practice now and then I will go to work. I have packed my things and tonight, the Dreamer is coming to my place.  We are going to Montego Bay for vacation tomorrow, early in the morning...

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I'm going to Montego Bay in two days and until then I will do yoga practice every single day. Ha, I am joking. ­čśëNothing else to do. During the weekend I've built yet another blog layout. Please see my blog on desktop and you will be amazed how it looks. Thank you. It is best viewed with screen resolution of 1100 pixels and up. Yesterday I finished this layout and I am satisfied at the moment. Of course, I am proud of my web design abilities. Such egomania! So horrendous. But fascinating!

It is Monday night, my daughter is with me. The Dreamer visited me on Friday evening, she did not stay long, she had the kids over the weekend so I was free to build the blog layout. I'm divorced, in a month or so I will be a 52-year-old man, living alone. My daily schedule revolves around yoga, work at the office and in the last couple of months, spending time with the Dreamer. I used to go out regularly... Dirty Martini at Oakville, downtown Pravda, Reservoir Lounge are the clubs I liked to visit. Not anymore.

I'm also completely inactive on match.com. I have stopped online dating thing. In the last three years I have met a lot of women there. Dinners, glass of wine and usual stories about divorce, kids, relationship wishes, love for travel, online dating experiences and other stories are my past.

So these days, most of the time I am alone. The best part about it is that you really don't have to answer to anybody. If you're reading this so far, you're probably really bored and, at the moment, have no one to be with. Don't panic, it is a good thing, being alone is a not so bad place to be, besides the sense of boredom, or the feelings of isolation, you are being forced to confront your own thoughts. It's said... there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Huhh, don't try to figure out the meaning of such empty phrases. Being alone is what you make of it.

Most people are not alone but they are living a life in quiet desperation; they worry, oooh, how they worry, twenty-six hours a day! And what do you think they worry about?... They worry about their shitty life! What about me? What's in this shit for me? What's gonna happen to me? Such egomania! So horrendous. But fascinating!

Generally speaking, life is a great thing. Although, people need something that moves them, shakes them up, and changes their perspective. So sometimes some bad things happen. They are usually an indication of the beginning of conscious journey. It is the beginning of a journey of questioning, digging deeper, and seeking wisdom in life.

I don’t believe in learning, books, articles, videos, or any other means of communication as a means of finding truth. Rather, I see them as a means of communicating empty thoughts and false ideas, the means of challenging perspectives and offering hopelessness. So much of the spiritual growth, so many of experiences, and so much of journey that can be traced back to that initial experience - the loneliness.

People do everything to hide a feeling of being alone. The second part of Fifty Shades is coming in the theater near you. The entertainment and advertising worlds are so awful, though, in fact, they thrive on our awfulness... the ego. Tell me, what makes a middle-aged, overweight and overworked man and his 40-something, chubby, exhausted wife and mother-of-two run to the opening night of Fifty Shades?

None of us will ever know how many orgasms Fifty Shades of Grey has inspired, or how much marital boredom it’s enlivened with vaginal balls and riding crops, but its impact is incalculable far beyond the bedroom. - Entertainment Weekly

I watched Fifty Shades of Grey last February. Well, I did not read the book so I was puzzled to watch the movie... a young attractive woman is pursued by a young attractive man. But for all his money, good looks, kinky toys and a helicopter, he's just a scared little boy who can't open up or have a healthy relationship with women... It's just fantasy and the the fantasy doesn't follow the rules of real life. Anyway, I recommended the movie to many couples - and housewives, it will turned them on. After watching this movie, men will probably take sex more seriously...

It's important to have movies that promote female sexuality but it's also important that those movies promote healthy forms of it. This movie does not. S&M is not my thing but to plenty of other people, it is. This movie shows pure abuse, both physical and mental, and even sexual in a few places, anyhow, this movie made me think that what women really want is INTIMACY nothing else.

A movie like Fifty Shades only contributes to a futile, frustrating struggle to avoid being alone. It is an authentic cry for lasting connection with the person we would like to be in a relationship with. On the end it is just a fantasy. Such egomania! So horrendous. But fascinating!

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I have a great respect for Charles Bukowski, the writer of many poems, short stories and novels. I have compiled this interview from many pages I found on the internet. I hope you will enjoy reading it...

You have the reputation of a woman chaser and a male chauvinist?

I’m not a great fucker. I don’t go around fucking women by the dozens. But when I started writing this novel called Women, I had to do some research.

I figured I had to meet more women. So I almost did it deliberately, I knocked on doors, I hopped into beds and I fucked when I didn't feel like fucking.

I’m not really a great fucker. I’m not too interested in that kind of thing. It’s kind of drab. It’s hard work.

The people that call me male chauvinist don’t know all my works, they've just heard rumors. If they had read the total body of my work they would know that I love women almost as much as I love myself. They are nice to have around.

You’ve been drinking constantly. Why all this drinking? 

Oh, drinking! Listen, I’ve been a poor working stiff all my life, no job or nothing. You know, when you don’t have any money at all, the women aren't going to bother you, so there’d be moments when you are just looking at four walls, you are wondering how to pay the rent or where your next meal is coming from.

When things are very very bad, a drink is the only magic cheap thing left to give you the dream, to make you feel good for a moment. Now that I am not poor anymore, things haven't changed, because the human race is no good.

In one of my poems I say: Humanity, you've never had it from the beginning. It’s just a feeling I have that everything is being wasted. It’s not life, it’s humanity that bothers me. The trees don’t bother me, the cats don’t bother me, the sun doesn't bother me. It’s humanity that has failed, that bothers me.

Humanity is going to go down the same dumb ignorant path forever. But I’ll get out of it because I’ll kick off and I will be out. This companionship I’m living with now, they don’t thrill me at all.

If humanity is hopeless what do you hope to accomplish with your writing? 

I’m not an accomplisher. I’m like a spider spinning my web. It’s all I can do. What we do we do out of a natural instinct. We don’t even know why we are doing it, if we did we couldn't do it.

Striving is destructive. I don’t believe in control, in studying, in learning. I just believe that what occurs occurs, and I go with it.

To sum it all up in two words, “don’t try,” for me that works. I still find a great deal of joy in spite of everything, I don’t know why, but often times I wake up in the morning and I feel damn good. It’s just a feeling inside.

Why don't you like people?

Who does like people? You show me him and I'll show you why I don't like people. Period. Meanwhile, I have got to have another beer.

Tough. Tough, indeed. I would say that Mickey Mouse had a greater influence on the American public than Shakespeare, Milton, Dante, Rabelais, Shostakovich, Lenin, and/or Van Gogh. Which say "What?" about the American public.

Disneyland remains the central attraction of Southern California, but the graveyard remains our reality.

So do we abandon ship or hope altogether?

Why these clich├ęs, platitudes? OK, well, I would say no. We do not abandon ship. I say, as corny as it may sound, through the strength and spirit and fire and dare and gamble of a few men in a few ways we can save the carcass of humanity from drowning.

No light goes out until it goes out. Let's fight as men, not rats. Period. No further addition.

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Plank is my favorite yoga pose. It is a truly fundamental asana. It teaches you to hold yourself together giving you the power you need for other yoga poses. Plank builds abdominal strength; you might even find yourself shaking as you practice it. It can strengthen your arms and keep your wrists healthy.
If you practice this pose, over time your upper back and neck posture will improve, and you’ll create support for your lower back as you learn to engage your abdominals. But in order to experience these benefits, it’s important to work toward creating a well-aligned Plank Pose.


Yoga Plank Pose

Standard Plank
  1. Put the hands directly under the shoulders (slightly wider than shoulder-width apart) like you’re about to do a push-up.
  2. Firm the toes into the floor and squeeze the glutes to stabilize the body. Your legs should be working in the move too; careful not to lock or hyperextend your knees. 
  3. Look straight into the floor, firm the neck and spine. Your head should be in line with your back.
  4. Hold the position for 10 breaths. As you get more comfortable with the move, hold your plank for as long as possible without compromising form or breath.

They are so many variation of basic plank and I posted the picture for some of them. The plank can even be more difficult by raising a leg. All plank postures build upper and core body strength, lengthen the spine and strengthen the low back muscles.

Reversed Plank

Chaturanga or Half Plank

Elbow Plank

Side Plank

5 Most Common Plank Mistakes

Collapsing the lower back.
Instead of lowering back by dipping the bum, engage the core by imagining your belly button pulling in toward the spine. This will help keep the torso flat, and in turn, the spine safe. 

Reaching the butt to the sky.
Planks aren’t supposed to look like a downward dog. To really get the core working the way it should in the plank position, keep your back flat enough so your abs feel engaged from top to bottom. Just don’t dip the tush too far toward the ground.

Letting the Head Drop
While the focus may be on keeping the hips, butt, and back in the proper position, form isn’t only about the core and the lower body in this move. It’s important to think of the head and neck as an extension of your back. Keep your eyes on the floor, letting them rest about a foot in front of the hands, which will help keep the neck in a neutral position.

Forgetting to breathe.
It’s our nature to hold breath when in a strenuous position for a period of time. But denying yourself oxygen can bring on dizziness or nausea, which are unpleasant at best and dangerous at worst.

Focusing too much on finishing the pose.
Do not watch too much for the number of seconds ticking away when it comes to the plank. When your form begins to suffer, it’s time to call it quits. If the back begins to bow or the shoulders start to sink in, take a break.

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The first week of February 2017 is here. It's not going to be warmer anytime soon in Toronto but daylights hours are getting longer. I want to continue yoga practice keeping current lifestyle. Now is around 5 a.m. I went to bed last night at 9:30. The ashtanga yoga half primary practice starts at 7.

In January I had 16 yoga practices. I could do better but I spend a way too much time customizing layout of this blog. In the last two weeks all my free time at home is spent on HTML/CSS and Javascript code. Also, I was super busy at work so I feel pain in my eyes, I strained the eyes from too much time looking at computer screen. I really need vacation.


In seven days I will travel with the Dreamer to Montego Bay, Jamaica. I was so busy last week I did not have time to think about our vacation at all but now I feel excitement...

As you have you noticed, I have no comments section on my blog. Should I allow comments here?

Chances are, when you think of writing a blog, you may also think of commenting. Comments have been a great feature of writer/reader interaction since the beginning of online journals. Without comments, is a blog really a blog? Is blogging just about publishing content? Is it also a kind of two-way communication?

I am not sure to answer these questions. In my previous blog, exploring dreamstate, which I wrote for about three years, I had comments enabled. A successful blog come with its readers, so I felt that the least I can do for them is to allow them to have their voice, be heard if they choose to comment.

To be quite honest, I did not enjoyed in replying to various opinions about the topics I wrote. The readers takes the post as something important. I don't think the words matters. Everything what we say is a lie or at least temporary truth. I don't stick to the one point of view although I know fiercely to defend my opinion. This is all just a play, there is nothing serious about it.

In a way, I find it easier to simply post content and disable the ability for people to write their own opinion, I know, it sounds like “my content is good enough as it is and your opinion doesn’t matter.”

As commenting grew on my previous blog, I found that I was spending a lot of time trying to craft my answers, taking care of being polite replying to readers wisdom. A certain readers would spend hours of their own time writing comments just to point their own ignorance. They do not read my blog on daily basis and they don't understand what I want to say.

I don't understand a thing about human behaviour. They are so many readers on my blog and mostly they come just once. They are people who'd stumble on this site for the first time and can't figure out what the hell is going on because they’d been watching TV all their lives. They’re confused with my words and... they will continue believing what they believe.

I don't allow comments at zmark.ca in the first place: because I want freedom. I firmly believe that only commodity we have in this life is our attention. It is so important to at least know where we put emphasis into where our attention falls. In other words, I want to be conscious.

I don't want internet strangers deciding where my ideas, creativity and time need to go. If they like my blog, it means they are in good mood at that particular time, nothing else. I am aware of people who like it and have asked me to become friends on Facebook, just to dislike it couple posts further.


I want to say a huge Thank You to all my readers. There will be no commenting on this blog. I am sorry, but not sorry.

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