Friday, February 24, 2017

For my friend who asked me for a dating advice


"Well," he said, opening the door to his car, "all you can do is put on an appearance of confidence sometimes. And after a while, others will start to believe it." He grabbed the door handle to pull it closed. "And then you die." Slam!!!  - Neil Strauss

After divorce I went to match.com and so began the weirdest phase of my life. Dating was easy, I was always Zee with his routines and outward I appeared confident, but mastering my inner emotions after long marriage and changing old thought patterns was not easy... but why I'm writing this?

One my recently divorced friend asked me to give him a dating advice. I asked him...

Are you interested in dating?

I suppose you're, and you want to find out the way to the success, the right move, you want to get that glorious key to her heart. Do you search for love?

Listen, after divorce you'll never fix what was broken inside. All you can do is to embrace the damage and move on. So don't search for love be a realist. Dating is hilarious. In fact, it is the best joke which you will never quite get. It's the funny thing if you don't have expectations. I hear you, your efforts are being supported by the universe; your dreams manifest into reality before your eyes. You are the architect of your life but when it comes to dating you throw shit at yourself.

So don't search for love on online dating sites... Ooooh, you just want a casual sex! Fine, but do you understand that there is no such thing as a casual sex? That is a downside of online dating.

You see, it costs you financially and emotionally. It starts as a casual sex but after awhile it develops to something else. And when you think that things are just falling into a place nicely, usually what happens, yours expectations don't match hers, then whoever holds the highest expectations, and that is usually you, start suffering.

Sex always comes with a price and despite of how you look at that gymnastics, sex is largely a game of chance for you and a game of choice for her.

Ah women, I love them. They are at different places in their lives when you meet them online. Most of them are divorced. If they decide to meet you, they may be looking for a fuck buddy, an one-night stand or a husband, which I doubt, or a revenge fuck. Or they may be looking just for a dinner and glass of wine or two. In most cases, you get nothing from first date because they're recovering from a recent separation.

I want you to know that I'm being sincere. Really. The online dating is a stage, meeting a woman for a date is a game and you should be just a player. One of many. You see, the game can be manipulated to a player's advantage with the right routines. Dating ... if you're not so serious about it, it can be a great fun.

Most of the first dates are horribly bland. The vanilla conversations, never really amounting to anything beyond what you do for a living, where and how you got divorced, how this online thing has been going for you, etc. It is awkward, there's nothing there, despite previously flirty texts and phone calls.

On a date don't talk about common things, try to avoid small talk at all cost. Small talk is a death. Instead, talk to her like you'd talk to one of your buddies. Talk about interesting things. Laugh. You shouldn't realistically need to say much. Just let her do the talking for the most part, then occasionally respond with "Oh really?" or something funny.

Don't just tell her every boring detail of your trivial life. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Above all, have a fun, be relaxed and focus on having a good time. If she's not engaging you, she's not doing you a favor just because she's attractive. Relationships are a two-way street. She's gotta impress you too.

Imagine this...

You met her online. She looked attractive. You've exchanged a few messages and you gave her your phone number. She text you and you had a digital diarrhea of the constant messaging for a two or three days. She appeared interested and you're thinking you are sharing the same interests. You asked her out on a date for a dinner, she agreed. You met her and then... what?

Yes, you want to have a nice, normal, getting-to-know-you-and-laugh conversation but she is not buying anything what you say and she is so secretive about herself. Oh well, time is passing slowly, You're trying to fill out the gaps by starting to talk gibberish, she just listen without saying anything.

You want to yell "the bill please!," but the waiter did not even brought the wine yet...

How would you react in a WTF situation like this?

This is the kind of awkward date you will never forget because it makes you self-aware. It is perfectly wrong and sleazy, you know it but you cannot be true to yourself and just walk away...

Don't be against the bad first date? It's better to have a bad first date than a good one and start dating your new love just to be disappointed later, down the road. Think about it, a bad first date can save you a lot of time and heartache in the future, and money.

Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You're aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can't be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn't be. - C. JoyBell 

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About Zee Mark

I am an Ashtanga yoga practitioner from Toronto, Canada. I am writing a blog about awakening, yoga and everyday life. My entire life journey has led me to this very moment in time. I finally arrived to a place where I am okay with the truth that there is no truth.