Friday, February 17, 2017

I am trying to find myself. That's not easy

Recently I'm writing only about my personal life however I have never disregarded awakening and my attempt to be a conscious human being. My life is not a rush and I am not living in a frantic tempo. Not because I want to, but because I just do what is necessary.

I've stopped comparing myself to others. I've stopped competition with others. I am not interested of what people do but I do swear a lot, it helps me letting go of anger when I see what they do. Anger is a destructive feeling, if I am not in control, the anger makes me say things that I don't want to say.

I have done many things in my life, like my marriage, for example, I don't regret any of it. So what?... if I did a fatal mistake marrying my ex and being in a marriage for 22 years. They say, there are things to be learned from every mistake, mistakes are lessons. The lessons for what? Smart guys divorce in late 30ties, not like me, I divorced in 48. What is left for me to learn?

So at the end of the day, I don't worry for this lost time. Worrying is something created in ignorance. 22 years, so what? I don't blame neither myself nor her. An unrealistic perception of life is the base of all problems. I try to laugh at my life as many times as I can. I know, the laugh does not solve anything and yet...

It’s wonderful when people find meaning and purpose in life. I am not there yet. I have no idea what my purpose is. How do I discover it? I’m not talking about my job, my daily responsibilities, or even my long-term goals, which I don't really have, I mean the real reason why I'm here at all — the very reason I exist.

Perhaps I'm rather a nihilistic realist who doesn’t believe in God and other conspiracy theories. Many books seem to assume that we're either genetically (read - divinely) encoded with some sort of built-in purpose, and all we need to do is take the time to discover it. So people write a mission statement and trust that what comes out of that will be the guiding force for the rest of their life. Perhaps every year they update it, while in a mean time...

Every day in subway I see people and I feel so vividly their emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking of something. My feelings merge with them and then I don't see them anymore. It sounds boring to say that one day something will happened to them, they will change and they will understand, they will understand that world we experience is no more "out there" than our dreams.

This might come as a surprise to them, but it is more likely that they simply refuse to see it. Memory, opinions and beliefs, how we see ourselves and others and even our sense of existence, are not as they seem. Our daily world, what we take for granted, our day-to-day existence is largely a product of imagination. A mirage.

The power of our delusions is staggering, yet, the beliefs and opinions are necessary to help us function in the world. The world is supported by our "sleep" and the Nature does not want us to "wake up".

You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well the thing about life is, it gets weird. People are always talking about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin' and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain't no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak. -Bernie LaPlante. Hero

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