Saturday, May 12, 2018

I am trying to find myself. That's not easy


I'm returning to my main life's goal - self-realization. I have never disregarded awakening and being a conscious human being. My life is not a rush and I am not living in a frantic tempo. Not because I want to, but because I've stopped comparing myself to others. I've stopped competition with others. I am not interested of what others do.

I have done many things in my life, like my marriage, for example, I don't regret any of it. So what?... if I did a fatal mistake marrying my ex and being in a marriage for 22 years. They say, there are things to be learned from every mistake, the mistakes are lessons. The lessons for what? Smart guys divorce in 30ties, not like me, I divorced in 48. What is left for me to learn?

So at the end of the day, I don't worry for this lost time. Worrying is bullshit. 22 years, so what? I don't blame neither myself nor her. The unrealistic perception of life is the base of all problems. I try to laugh at my life as many times as I can. I know, my laugh does not solve anything and yet...


It’s wonderful when you find meaning and purpose in life. I am not there yet. I have no idea what my purpose is. I’m not talking about my job, my daily responsibilities, or even my long-term goals, which I don't really have, I mean the real reason why I'm here at all — the very reason I exist.

I'm rather a nihilistic realist who doesn’t believe in God and other conspiracy theories. Many books seem to assume that we're either genetically (read - divinely) encoded with some sort of built-in purpose, and all we need to do is take the time to discover it.

Every day in subway, on the street, at work, I see you and I feel so vividly your emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking of something. My feelings merge with you and then I don't see you anymore. It sounds boring to say but nothing will happened to you, you will not change and you  will not understand, you will not understand that world is pulled over your mind and made you a  slave.

This might come as a surprise to you, but it is more likely that you simply refuse to see it. Memory, opinions and beliefs, how you see yourself and others and even your sense of existence, are not as they seem. Your daily world, what you take for granted, your day-to-day existence is largely a product of imagination. A mirage in a desert of your desires.

The power of your delusions is staggering, yet, the beliefs and opinions are necessary to help you function in the world. The world is supported by your "sleep" and the Nature does not want you to "wake up".


You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy?

Well the thing about life is, it gets weird.

People are always talking about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin' and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain't no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak.

-Bernie LaPlante. Hero

I am not writing about truth. Yes, what you learn, as you get older, is there is no truth. You are just an object for me, the same as I am an object for you. It is this sense of presence that has identified with the object and then suddenly became a subject. But you will never be the subject because the sense of presence is a lie.



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