Saturday, February 18, 2017

What am I waiting for?

I've been doing a bit of serious thinking these days. I'm clearing my mind about various things. It’s something akin to age of 52, actually something like early spring cleaning. I feel pulled from the various sources and my life seems to flow by its own. I need to see where I am in order to start over again, fresh.

I’ve been here many times before, and I didn’t always listen my inner guidance. I’ve stood on the verge of change and looked down at my life and I refused to accept new possibilities. Choosing to stay in a place I don’t like simply because I'm lazy and don’t trust my gut, remaining stubbornly atop of bullshit pile of my job, financial debt and all kind of wrong perceptions forces me to wake up, listen, understand and act.

I am not satisfied with my job. Last year, I switched from contact to full time position and since then I have been going steadily into debt. Simply I spend more than what I earn. So I am going to search for another job, the contact again. At present workplace there is no job security at all, new managers have come, Agile methodology and countless brainwashing processes implemented, in other words, I am working like a dog... and what hurts the most, there is no appreciation at all.

I am moving on. I will update the resume today and tomorrow, and on Tuesday I'll sent it out to contract agency to start searching a new job for me. Next week I'm starting preparation for the job interview. I will wait to receive the pity bonus for 2016, sometimes in April, and then leave the current company.

You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book... or you take a trip... and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken. - The Diary of Anaïs Nin

I see that I live my life in a quiet desperation, in an emotional state of hopelessness holding desperately to old habits and established routines. That is going to change because this "meaningful life" tastes like chicken.

I see it for what it is: a mere life of ups and downs, chronic search for happiness, always dissatisfied, always pretending I am happy and successful. I slip into this life that is laid out for me the way a foot slip in the shoe. I decide nothing, there is no choice, I live this by default. I don't know any better, and I don't know the reason why I don't know any better.

Yes, I do yoga, read "I am That" and other classical spiritual literature. I am trying to be aware, to hold onto I AM, to observe myself, I believe that we create our own reality. We look at the world through the glasses of our own thoughts. Right?

I have come to the point of understanding and I openly say - Hey, wait a minute, this is nuts! I want to get out of this merry-go-around and get moving. Spiritual awakening! Huraaaay!!! Peace, love and joy! Global consciousness arising, planet is shifting, gurus and spiritual teaching business flourish, click $15 to listen to the latest satsang online... only $15, you save $5.

If you don't know which road to take, you don't pay attention to the crossroads... The unexamined life, said Socrates, is not worth living. That is some serious shit. It almost offends. Who lives a conscious, examined life? Where are the people living examined lives? Lives worth living? I do examination of my life and I see it for what it is.

If I take Socrates to mean the stagnated, home-work-home, repetitive life is not worth living, then he is saying that most people's lives are not worth the bother. And that should be a bit of encouragement a good news for me. If others are the same as me then it not so bad. So I wait...

We waited and waited. All of us. Didn't the shrink know that waiting was one of the things that drove people crazy? People waited all their lives. They waited to live, they waited to die. They waited in line to buy toilet paper. They waited in line for money. And if they didn't have any money they waited in longer lines. You waited to go to sleep and then you waited to awaken. You waited to get married and you waited to get divorced. You waited for it to rain, you waited for it to stop. You waited to eat and then you waited to eat again. You waited in a shrink's office with a bunch of psychos and you wondered if you were one. - Charles Bukowski

What am I waiting for?

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