Thursday, March 30, 2017

April 2017 - The Month of Ashtanga Yoga


This practice becomes firmly rooted when it is cultivated skillfully and continuously for a long time. – The Yoga Sutra of Patanjali 1:14

My life is a journey and I travel alone. There is no one to tell me what to do. In all this randomness I try to keep one constant thing... my yoga practice. I need to make sure that my inner peace remains intact. The core of my daily practice addresses issues of self-confidence. What people think about me and my life is less valuable than how I see it. I keep a tough practice and I reduce the amount of concern I have around other people.

Here we go!!!

I declare April as a month of ashtanga yoga. I'm starting 30-day yoga intensive everyday practice. There are only one rule: every day  ashtanga half primary yoga practice... for the 30 days

Yoga can be anything as you want it to be. For me it is a physical pursuit, keeping my body toned, strong and flexible. For others, yoga practice may be a way to fight stress and the challenges of everyday living. And you should not forget the practice of yoga as a meditation but I'm not so much into that "mystical" aspects of yoga.

Let me be clear, I don’t practice ashtanga yoga because I like it. Well I don't. Who can like this bending, stretching and sweating everyday. I practice because I must. Now I'm 52 and at this age, it starts all kind of the health problems. I am doing an alternative health care by incorporating yoga as part of my everyday life. So far, I have no problem with variety of ailments ranging from back pain, high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis, autoimmune diseases etc. I believe in yoga and I believe that regular practice and the sweat cleaning the organs of my body.

I’m sorry to say, if you’re looking for fancy yoga photos, you won’t find it here. I'm not an expert, or teacher or advanced practitioner. I practice Ashtanga yoga for 10 years now and my practice sucks big time. In January, february and march I did it 3 to 4 times per week and that is not enough.

Yoga is expensive if you want to regularly practice in a studio. But in this 30 days challenge I will go to studio too. I will go for a lead full primary on Wednesdays. The very first time I went to yoga studio a nice looking girl on reception gave me a paper to fill out. There was a question: Why I want to do yoga? I wrote without hesitation... I want to practice yoga because I want to melt the ice with my ass.

Have you ever seen how great yogis sit in the snow and how the snow around them melts away from the intense heat they produce in their meditation? I want to do the same! It is my life's goal.

So the first thing I do in the morning after waking up is to check weather forecast. I am sorry that we do not have snow so I have to practice with ice from the fridge. Believe me, I did it this morning, after haf primary and long shavasana, I went to the balcony and sit on the ice... what can I tell you. There is a great movement in the right direction. After only 5 minutes, my underwear was completely wet. ­čśŤ The rest of the day is all about concentration, meditation and samadhi...

Joke on the side, the core of the 30 day challenge is commitment. It means a promise and following through. It means stopping my old wimpy excuses and laziness. It means sweating for 60 minutes every day for the next month.

Life is a reflection of your ATTITUDE... Cheers!!!

Monday's Beer Night at MK

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. - Winston Churchill

In my experience, it's very rare that someone gets all love, care and freedom when they are young. Most of us are emotionally damaged adults because of our childhood experiences. So the first task of life is to figure out who you are and what you want, independent of others. The second task is to realize that you have the power to make it happen. Universe have no choice but to give you what you want. You must become independent and do whatever you want to do enjoying it while it lasts.

Do you really think that the life gets shittier as you grow up, you laugh less, complain more? Well, growing up by age does not mean growing up by understanding. If you feel it is getting worse, you are the only one that can change that. The only opinion that should really matter is your own. Only you are in control of your life. Don't let others tell you what to do. Don't let others live your life for you. On the end you are bound to be disappointed if you rely on them.

The truth is simple... but terrifying. You live with the mistaken identity. You create your own reality, but you lack the energy to understand that. You're too busy thinking how wonderful you are, how sensitive, how unique. I have a news for you... You are not unique!

You may know this but you don't care. Fuck it, that's how you live, you want to get fooled again and again! You don't want to change, you want to worry, you like worrying, oooh, how you like to worry, twenty-six hours a day! And what do you worry about?... About you! What about you? What's in this shit for you? What's gonna happen to you?

I gonna tell you what will happen to you... if you notice that as you get older the problems tend to stay same or issues go from bad to worse, it means that the life lessons are not learned. My mother died in the palliative care in January 2015. I was with her a month earlier and I spend considerable time in that hospital department. The palliative care is the last place on the earth, it is the place for dying... it is something like Dante's hell, anyway, I read an article about the last words of the patients there. Those patients in their last days has revealed the most common regrets they have at the end of their lives and they come in this order:

  1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
  2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
  3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
  4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
  5. I wish I had let myself be happier.

Think about this for a moment. When you realize that your life is over and look back clearly on it you will understand that all was up to you and your courage to live life true to yourself, not the life others expected of you. In other words you may see that your dreams have gone unfulfilled. You might realize that you've wasted your life. But listen, it's never too late to have a happy childhood, it is all question of your ATTITUDE.

Thursday's at Kennedys

You are convinced that you're having a terrible life, and that most of the time you're making a fool of yourself. That's true but despite your feelings, your life is actually above average; you live quite good life. Secondly, there is no need to improve anything in your life. Emotionally, this is like a blow to the stomach for you. But think for yourself and figure out what is true. The life is your show. It is your universe.

Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, just you, and nothing is being withheld from you. You are completely on your own. There is no place for worries. Everything is available to you. No one else has anything you need. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary for your happiness. You keep fucking yourself over. If you understand that, you will understand that it is the best news you could possibly receive.


Friday, March 24, 2017

Guide for Yoga Beginners ♥ Welcome to the Cult of Lulu


Yoga is good. I love it. Studio classes, the skin-tight clothes, the New Age OMMMM vibe, the tiny elastic, late thirties, women who can balance in a headstand for hours. It is a cool thing. If you're among the people that're less than thrilled about popular trend of yoga, that's perfectly understandable. But, and it hurts to say this, you're missing out many things.

Zen Stretch classes
Wondering where to begin? It's simple. Just purchase our 30 days of unlimited yoga classes for $30 and drop in for any class at any of our locations. We offer Zen Stretch classes...
-Yoga Sanctuary 

Deepen your awareness
At Zazen, we practice yoga as a way of cultivating embodied meditative presence. Yoga offers the opportunity to deepen your awareness and self understanding through breath, movement and meditation.
-Zazen Yoga Studio

Eco friendly environment
At the Roots Yoga Studio in Toronto everything is "green". The floor is planked bamboo in the studio and natural cork in the reception area and change rooms. The walls are covered with low-emission paint and the electricity is neutralized by a zero-footprint offset program. The fabric used on the reception area seating is made of recycled material. We offer free usage of all non-toxic yoga-props.
-Roots Yoga

Canoeing, Yoga and Meditation
Our students are welcome to go to any class of their choice, without needing to commit to one. We specialize in  Canoeing, Yoga and Meditation Wilderness trips...
- Shanti Yoga Studio

Thai Yoga Massage
Thai Yoga Massage North Bay is an accessible form of bodywork that can help achieve a deep state of relaxation. It is performed fully clothed, on a special mat on the floor in our smaller studio. This massage may lull you into a deep state of relaxation while wiping away your pain and stress, leaving you feeling relaxed and restored.,,
- Bend Yoga Studio

I often think about how terrifying it must be for you who first time walk into a yoga class. I am sure you'll have no idea what teacher is talking about. You should understand the poetic metaphors, uplifting blend of spiritual and physical, yoga teachers utter with low voice and gracious movements...

Yoga is JOY, PEACE and CREATIVITY. You keep INNER BALANCE, you are releasing bitterness and you FORGIVE OTHERS. It is a personal experience of expanded awareness. By practicing yoga you awaken the kundalini energy (which, it is believed, is dormant in the base of your spine) obtaining full human potential.

Hey, that brings me: one time, when dissolution of my marriage happened (the fucking divorce) I went through some painful things but I tried to be an observer in HIGHER SELF (capital letters) not just this lowercase self shit. I was the observer, and I did BREATHE. Yes, PRANA when things went tough. I've learned from yoga teachers that breathing is healthy. Particularly breathing in and out, it went so well for me. I'm GRATEFUL. Really.

You see, many of yoga studios also offer Ayurveda classes which seems to be growing in popularity. Ayurveda teaches that your body has the three constitutions, vata, pitta, and kapha. But be careful, the hot yoga aggravates your pitta! If you have a lot of pitta (internal heat), the heated class might not be the best choice for you. Here you go, you have been warned.

Also, watch if Mercury is in retrograde. Besides Ayurveda, as a yoga student you should closely start following the astrology, and pay special attention to the planet Mercury which sometimes go retrograde... And please, don't practice inversions when you are on your ladies' holiday which is a very poetic saying for a menstrual period. Women's period is a great mystery for female students. Yoga teachers still debate should they practice or not, should they do only certain poses or not.

Yoga and meditation - it’s not just for the body, it helps you get sober from last night — and TO BE PRESENT and remember that your life is full of ABUNDANCE. It is all about chakras, your centers of energy. According to yoga teachers there are seven chakras is associated with functions of the body and life. Yoga is all about clearing each of the chakras so that the energy can raise from the base of the spine all the way up through the crown of the head.

YOGA, the LIGHT and HAPPINESS, you are falling in LOVE with what YOU ARE. You SURRENDER, very scary and dangerous. I am saying dangerous because what if is it true. What if there is psychic energy on the base of the spine? And chakras? Pitta and Mercury? What if that is all true?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

As I sit with my coffee on this early evening...


My birthday is almost here. As I sit with my coffee on this early evening, reflecting upon my life and recent events, I'm writing this post feeling indifference. I'm neither sad nor happy in my relationship with the Dreamer and I'm not looking for another girlfriend. I'm simply empty and tired. Is this feeling a warning sign of a breakup or is it just sign of a rough week?

People stay in a relationship that have passed expiration date for many reasons, such as a fear of being alone or just due to accustomed feelings. Whatever the reason if I know the connection isn’t strong, then breaking up should be the option. On Wednesday night she came for couple hours and we talked about "our connection". I realized that we don't have one. She does not love me and I don't love her. Except sex, everything else is so superficial and it does taste like chicken... but what doesn't?

The culinary experts face one great dilemma: 
why relationships in this world taste like chicken? 
They're curious, did love and hate evolve independently or 
did they both inherit chicken-less from a common ancestor?

I've been deluding myself into thinking that for the past decade I'm still 35. I feel young and in my mind, 50 - something is so fucking old! But the numbers don't lie. I'm just beginning to understand the nature of old age, tiredness and this society which poisoned food, air and water, and made me a slave. I feel my life is just about survival with little or nothing to show.

Happy Birthday Zee!!!
...are you two, are you three... are you forty, are you fifty? Who the fucking cares anymore!

See, after 50, the birthday is the saddest day in a year, it makes you think. I wish that somehow, magically my birth date gets skipped or erased from the calendar. From what I've observed, life gets shittier as you grow up.

I'm known for my coarse language, simplicity, impulsive nature and aggressiveness. Some think I'm arrogant, so what, no doubt, I'm self reliant and adventurous. I want to feel the heat. I want to party... But, not today.

Well I'm supposed to have a pleasant birthday, a good time with friends or have a romantic dinner with the Dreamer. I should be feeling secure and happy that my life is on track and I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Oh how young, vibrant, and beautiful I feel! But, not today.

Naturally, just before birthday, the question of meaning of life surfaces my mind. People are ignorant, they take that the meaning of life involves some kind of joke, if you asked them, they respond with nervous laugh and an attempt to change the subject. To some, this question is threatening, too unnerving to dare to say anything sincere or serious and so laughter seems the only safe response.

This sense of "me", just like my relationship with the Dreamer, fortunately, has an expiration day. This constant process of identifications, more or less unconscious, with its struggles, quarrels, incidents, experiences and so on... can not tolerate itself forever.

This imaginary "me" will be gone one day. I'm so insignificant so I can allow myself to enjoy the play. I'm coming to conclusion that my main purpose here on this planet is to ENJOY LIFE. I have no other meaning, no other task to perform. I'm not worrying about future, I'm completely relaxed because I know that everything will be okay... I will die, at the end of all my exploring I will arrive where I've started.


Saturday, March 18, 2017

Losing 5 kg (11 lbs) in 60 days...


... Spring has arrived! 

I'd like to begin this post by telling you I am not a successful person. I'm not an advanced yoga practitioner, a fitness teacher, or a healthy diet guru, not even a great blog writer. I write here what I'm interested about at present moment. I have no advice for you, so feel free to disregard my posts. Do whatever you want to do but know, unlike some of ignorant people, I'm not totally out of touch with conscious living.

This is a very important period for me. This month is my birthday and I will be 52. What you can not measure you can not control... I have the weight monitor application on my phone where I record the body weight. Even the app says that my current weight of 90 kg (190 lbs) is normal for my height that is not accurate. I have skinny arms and legs and all excess weight is the belly fat.

I'm someone who has no big aspirations, but in spite of my age I want to be healthy and look good. I want to lose 5 kg (11 lbs) in 60 days. Aiming to lose 5 kg within a two months is a realistic goal; with the appropriate changes to my diet, new exercise plan and lifestyle changes, I will be able to accomplish it. Typically, losing more than 1.0 kg per week isn't recommended. Quick weight loss isn't safe. Giving myself two month to lose weight is a great challenge.

The majority of the people of my age are overweight, busy with their work, under all kinds of stress, very serious and sarcastic. They follow sports and politics, they watch TV and news at 11 PM... The confidence goes down after hitting 50 and by age of 60 they will be people who are obese and more likely to have heart disease, strokes, diabetes, cancer, and depression. I have decided not to count myself in this general population of men. Except the age, I have nothing in common with them.


I hate to say this but the more I look around me the more ashamed I am part of my generation. I'm not buying it. Those, barbecue parties, kids education stories, big houses, big cars, big stomachs, management position and overtime work. Simple, I'm not buying their frustrations and their lifestyle.

What to say about the women of my age? Not much. The same sad fat story. I think women over 45 need a special diet plan. Women need fewer calories and large amounts of vitamins and minerals than men. The hormonal changes and menopause make them mentally unstable. They are into too much of sex or they have no sex at all, but let's not go there.


In the war on belly fat I'm doing a lot of investigation on the net and everyday I find something new. So I've started to know my enemy. Briefly, when you eat the food then a small amount of insulin is released into bloodstream. You feel satisfied and full. But too much of insulin converts the food into fat.

This is all I need to know. There is food who produce large amount of insulin in the blood stream and there is the processed food that cannot be disintegrated naturally so it stored itself in body in the form of belly fat.

These five foods making me fat. I must stop eating them!!

#1 Processed (Refined) Sugar


If I want to lose belly fat the processed sugar is my worst enemy. Eating refined sugar forces body to store fat. Stop eating it! White sugar, brown sugar, corn syrup, artificial sweeteners which don’t contain any calories, but they still causing large dump of insulin in our bloodstream which will make us fat.

#2 White Flour


White bread, crackers, pasta, and cereals. Don’t touch the white flour products unless you want to get fat. White flour digests to sugar just as fast as table sugar and produces a similar insulin response.

#3 White Potatoes


Is the potato white on the inside? Don't eat it. Potatoes have an ultra high glycemic index meaning they digest to sugar very quickly and cause an insulin spike.

#4 Anything Deep Fried


Most deep fried foods are breaded with white flour, or they are potatoes (french fries). White flour and potatoes are turning our body into a fat storing machine. If that weren't bad enough, the food is also dripping in high calorie saturated fats.

#5 White Rice


Just like white bread, white rice is another refined grain that digests to sugar very quickly. Eat too much, and you will get fat.

So that's why we have a belly fat...


Maybe you know these foods are bad for you, but they taste so good, and it's hard to stop eating them. It's time to change; I need motivation and the change of my habits. The war has started. There are many ineffective advice about how to lose belly fat. While there's no "magic bullet" that will target abdominal fat in particular, this post is my starting point of inquiry into this theme.

1. Eat breakfast

It might seem counterproductive to eat if you're trying to lose weight, but studies show that eating breakfast within an hour of waking up keeps insulin and cholesterol levels lower. Eat protein and high-fiber foods (eggs, peanut butter, fresh fruit, and vegetables) for breakfast. Avoid making sugary cereals, waffles, pancakes, French toast, breakfast pastries, or instant oatmeal.

2. Get enough sleep

Enough sleep. Most adults need at least 7 hours of sleep every night to function properly. Set aside time to relax. Even if it's only 15 minutes on your lunch break, find time to simply close your eyes, breathe deeply, and forget your worries.

3. Daily walking

Get a pedometer and try to increase the number of daily steps you take. If you have a sitting job, consider getting a regular walking exercise. Aim to take 10,000 steps a day. (I have already downloaded android apps "Moves" and I will count my daily steps).

4. Drink plenty of water

Studies suggest that consistently drinking water throughout the day can lead to a more active metabolism, regardless of dieting. Drinking more water also helps your body flush out waste/toxins and improves your overall health. Aim to drink 2 l water a day.

5. Regular physical exercise

Ashtanga yoga is an excellent practice for lowering your belly fat. Regular 6 days a week practice is the best thing in the war against belly fat. :-)

6. Add resistance training (Gym)

Nutrition and Exercise Metabolism suggests that combining cardiovascular (aerobic) exercise with resistance training is more effective than cardiovascular training alone in getting rid of abdominal fat. You can do resistance training with free weights, exercise machines.

7. Eat less

Reduce calorie consumption. Most people tend to underestimate how much they eat. Get an honest assessment of your eating habits by writing down everything you consume for a week.  Eat avocados, nuts, seeds, soybeans, and chocolate — they prevent the accumulation of belly fat. However trans fats (in margarines, crackers, cookies, or anything made with partially hydrogenated oils) seem to result in more fat being deposited in the abdomen. Avoid these as much as possible.

8. Stay motivated 

Review this post every day. Losing belly fat doesn't have to be solely a cosmetic goal; understanding the health issues linked with belly fat can help motivate you. Belly fat is linked with cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and cancer. Specifically it's the deepest layer of belly fat — the fat you can't see or grab — that poses health risks.

The Goal

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. - Calvin Coolidge

Thursday, March 16, 2017

The Yoga Journal Philosophy


Yoga is so many things. In the 1980s, yoga became popular as a physical system of health exercises across the Western world. No doubt the physical benefits from yoga are proven but these days, all of a sudden, it seems yoga is a popular mode not only for exercise of physical postures but also the spiritual path, a promise to lead us to greater spiritual levels.

The Yoga Journal is a creative force behind various (award winning) yoga studios and their spiritual but not religious directors. The philosophy of yoga journal is to help one achieve a certain poise of equanimity, to look at all aspects of life - pleasure as well as pain, with acceptance and serenity. It is soothing and comforting, it makes you feel warm and fuzzy. It is about getting into pleasant emotional and mental states. It is about peace, love, tranquility, silence and bliss.

What is the core of yoga journal philosophy? Perhaps it is this: a brighter future and a better tomorrow. It makes you feel good about yourself and it boosts your self-esteem, tells you you are okay, tells you everything is just fine the way it is. The Yoga Journal Philosophy offers to improve, benefit and elevate you, and it is about belief and faith and worship. It's goal is to raises or alters consciousness. It combats stress or deepens relaxation, it promises happiness and relief from unhappiness.

Our intention in teaching and practicing yoga at QSY  is to grow as individuals, and deepen our sense of connectedness with the wider world. While practicing headstand and shoulderstand, or other “fancy” or extreme poses, may be fun and provide learning experiences, they do not necessarily bring us any closer to that aim. - QUEEN STREET YOGA

You may ask me what is wrong with being happy and satisfied. What is wrong with today's yoga philosophy? I answer nothing is wrong. It just keep you snoring. There is nothing wrong with being a dream character, of course, unless it is your goal to wake up, in which case the dream character must be ruthlessly annihilated.

If you desire to experience transcendental bliss or supreme love or altered states of consciousness or awakened kundalini, or to qualify for heaven, or to liberate all sentient beings, or simply to become best person you can be, then rejoice you are in the right place, embrace fully the Yoga Journal Philosophy. However, if your interest is to cut the crap and figure out what is true, then, you are in the wrong place and you have got a very messy fight ahead, there is no point in pretending otherwise.


Inversions at QSY (Queen Street Yoga): We choose not to teach full Headstand and full Shoulderstand (where weight is placed on the head and neck) due to safety concerns for the spine. We ask that students do not practice these poses before, after, or during public classes for the safety of all QSY members. - Studio Policy and Etiquette by QUEEN STREET YOGA

Awakening has nothing to do with the Yoga Journal Philosophy. Process of awakening is painful, it feels like depression, hopelessness. Your very identity is questioned. It is the death of everything believed. It feels like your love is dying inside. It is complete opposite of the Yoga Journal Philosophy.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Develop home yoga practice... Say NO to yoga studio!


Are you like a fleshy robot running from studio to studio?

I know you. I have seen you. You possess knowledge of yoga asanas and you can do your practice on your own but for the lack of motivation you chose to go to yoga studio. Not only that. You competently handle all the complexities of life, family, health, finance, career, household, day in and day out, year after year. You are intelligent, mature, clever, kind, honest, and fairly representative. And yet, whenever I mention awakening, all I get from you are dubious stares and incoherent skepticism.

Yoga has many physical, spiritual and mental benefits. No doubt about it. I give you support, confidence and hope for your practice. The final goal of our practice is spiritual awakening. Is there some purpose of yoga other than to awaken us from our mind's delusion? Lets never forget that. Once you have learned the postures do your practice alone at home. This is the only way to progress.

Please, stop going to yoga studio.

I agree, for yoga beginners, the yoga studios are a shining gift from Lord Shiva. As it goes, you can't get something for nothing but there's a problem: yoga can be extremely expensive: $20 is a price for a single class; on average $180 is ten class pass. You have no choice. There's no getting around it and the business is booming. Namaste!

Therein yoga studio, everyone's telling you how their shala is great, with the advanced yoga teachers who have been traveling to the source in India, they may be advanced with their own practice or whatever, but then when you come to yoga class and start sun salutation, you quickly find out that you are on your own. You twist in trikonasana hoping that magical touch from yoga teacher will awaken your muscles. You turn your head straight in warrior pose wondering why did you came to the class... and then you sit on the mat, forward fold to find out that the floor smells like onions steamed in cat pee.

The great majority of yoga teachers are proud of what they can do, how they can complete primary series so easily. Usually they come to yoga as former dancers and they think flexibility is a measure of how good practitioner is.

While you certainly have tension, trauma and rigidity in your limbs, joints and muscles, there is no  direct correlation between how well you can move and how functional or healthy your mind is. I seriously doubt that a former dancer and today's yoga teacher with two trips to Mysore India has any serious qualification to teach ashtanga yoga.

But teachers will tell you that you must do practice with them, coming to their studio and practice under their eyes so you will magically progress in Marichyasana D. Just watch not to tear MLC. You know, it can happen.

Come to class, practice, be nice, be quiet, smile, breathe deeply, be good, don't ask questions, don't use your mind, don't make a disturbance — sound familiar? Yoga Shalas are doing nothing more than maintaining your ignorance. None of them are teaching against your egoistic bonds. There is no interest in freedom. It's all been channeled safely into nonthreatening, ego-gratifying avenues such as "your kapotasana is great", "your drop back is genuine"...

Please, for the love of yoga, stop going to yoga studio.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Daylight saving time bullshit


Tomorrow daylight saving time starts. At 2 am, we are moving one hour forward. I don't get the spring forward time change shit. It is still the same amount of daylight and just because someone decided to shift forward an hour it does make the day as if it is somehow longer by an hour. It is simple bullshit.

I think some people may even believe the day is magically longer because of the clock change. I guess it's because they are never up before sunrise. I notice the difference in the mornings more than I do the evenings because I am up and out before sunrise every day.

Does this and everything else in this world have a meaning?

People do not care about the meaning of things. You see, the survival is at stake, when the events of each day carry a sense of urgency, the meaning of those events is irrelevant.

Everyone who is born eventually dies. No exception. Why this struggle, misery and suffering? Everywhere around me there is the struggle for money, for survival, for position and power, the unending process of proving self-existence.

I have stopped searching for these answers. I put all my efforts toward myself in the most selfish way. There is no truth to be found. We are here for a short period of time in order...(fill out whatever you want). Life events have no meaning unless you want to fool yourself.

I have concluded this in December 2014, while I was sitting besides my mother in hospital. She was dying from liver cancer. She was sleeping in a bed unconscious, I was beside her and I was thinking about her life... and I have seen mine. I realized, that life is given to us for no reason. Life is not serious at all...

The Dreamer came last night around 6:30.

She brought 2 l of wine and two packs of beer. We ordered dinner, hot Thai food. We enjoyed watching Vanilla Sky movie while we cuddle in bed. Outside is -13 C and it is windy and very cold. She went to do some errands and she will be back soon. We have a plan to go for dinner tonight...

She's strong. She's comfortable on her own. She shows her love not with words, but with romantic gestures. She's been swayed in a boring marriage for a way too long, and she doesn't have a tolerance for bullshit. Which is a good thing because I don't have time to waste too. I mean, I could be a gigolo man. Hahaha. ­čśŐ

In September last year, when I was on match.com, I received a hilarious message. A woman from established and legit escort organisation, wanted to interview me for a male escort position, a fucking gigolo.

A gigolo is a male escort who is supported by a woman in a relationship. Gigolo is expected to provide companionship, to serve a woman with good manners and social skills, and often, to serve as a dancing partner as required by the woman in exchange for the support. The relationship includes sexual services as well...

Hello there. I hope you are having a fantastic day! I cam across your profile and wanted to reach out because you absolutely fit the profile my boss was searching for this week.

I work for a very credible lifestyle and introduction firm in Toronto that only deals with successful high level professionals and entrepreneurs, and I am sure she would want to speak with you to see if you are a good fit for out client. I wanted to see if there were any potential gentlemen here that would be interested in meeting some of our extraordinary and attractive female clients.

You certainly have a great look which fits the mild we are searching for and I would love to know more. I would be happy to have you call me or I can email you and give you our website so you can see we are legit. I can't leave info here as it is a conflict for the dating site and I might get kicked off. :) 

Are you open to meeting someone amazing?

I replied briefly with "Not interested". And then I started dating the Dreamer. My career as a gigolo has not started, I suppose if it did I would have a lot more to write here... LOL


Thursday, March 9, 2017

♪ Every Rose Has Its Thorn


I am turning my back on the world. From now on, yoga and being awake are most important in my life. I may start meditation again. I am 52, what I have? Something more important going? Like what? My plans? What plans? I have no plans, neither short term nor long term. My girlfriend? I don't mistake lust for love. I don't think that an amazing sexual connection is love. My career? I work only to pay bills. I have no interest improving myself...

I am still walking, talking and writing declaring my deep commitment to waking up while doing everything possible not to. I might say I want to wake up, but it quickly becomes apparent that I have some weird notion of what awake means. That might involve anything so long as it does not disturb my slumber.

My starting point is that I don't know myself, that I am not, that is, I am not what I can and what I should be. For this reason I cannot make any valid statement or assume any obligation. I can decide nothing in regard to my future. Today I am one person and tomorrow another.

It is impossible for me to do anything. I clearly understand these things. I have thousands of false ideas and false conceptions, chiefly about myself, and I must get rid of some of them before beginning to acquire anything new. Otherwise the new will be built on a wrong foundation and the result will be worse than before.

My chief delusion is my conviction that I can do. All people think that they can do, all people want to do, and the first question all people ask is what they are to do. But actually nobody does anything and nobody can do anything. This is the first thing that I've understood so far. Everything happens! All events that come on my way, all that is done by me, all that results from me — all this happens. And it happens in exactly the same way as rain falls as a result of temperature change, exactly as snow melts under the rays of the sun, as dust rises with the wind.

I am a machine. All my deeds, actions, words, thoughts, feelings, convictions, opinions, and habits are the results of childhood programming and external influences. Out of myself I cannot produce a single thought, a single action. Everything I say, do, think, feel, and write here — all this happens. I cannot discover anything, invent anything. It all happens.

I say that I understand this but I am not convinced about it yet. To establish this fact for myself, to live it, to be convinced of this truth, means getting rid of a thousand illusions about me, about my being creative and consciously organizing my own life, and so on. There is nothing of this kind.

Look around. Everything happens — popular movements, social media, Oscar winning ceremonies, sports competition, wars, all this happens. And it happens in exactly the same way as everything happens in my life. I am born, live and will die. I work like a dog, build castles in the air, write this blog, not as I want to, but as it happens. Everything happens. I don't love, hate, desire — all this happens.

But no one will ever believe me if I tell them they cannot do nothing. This is the big  offense and the most unpleasant thing I can tell people. It is particularly unpleasant and offense because it is the truth, and nobody wants to know the truth.

When you understand this it will be easier for you to read my blog. But it is one thing to understand with the mind and another thing to feel it with one's being, to be really convinced that it is so and never forget it.

With this question of doing, yet another thing is connected. It always seems to people that others invariably do things wrongly, not in the way they should be done. Everybody always thinks he could do it better. They do not understand, and do not want to understand, that what is being done, and particularly what has already been done in one way, cannot be, and could not have been, done in another way. Oh why bother, you will never get it.

In today's world it is impossible for us to understand each another. This also, at the moment, seems strange to you. But it is true. In order to understand it is necessary to know yourself first. At present people cannot understand one another because they lie, all the time, to everyone.

So, I must learn to speak the truth. This also appears strange to you. You do not realize that you have to learn to speak the truth. It seems to you that it is enough to wish or to decide to do so. And I tell you that I comparatively rarely tell a deliberate lie. In most cases I think I speak the truth. And yet I lie all the time, both when I wish to lie and when I wish to speak the truth. I lie all the time, both to myself and to others.

Nobody ever understands anything in this world. Think for a second - could there be such discord, such deep misunderstanding, and such hatred towards the views and opinions of others, if you were able to understand another person? But you cannot understand because you too cannot help lying.

To speak the truth is the most difficult thing in the world; and I must study a great deal and for a long time in order to be able to speak the truth. My wish alone is not enough. To speak the truth I must know what the truth is and what a lie is, and first of all in myself. And this is what I want to know.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

The golden age of bullshit


What bullshit essentially misrepresents is neither the state of affairs to which it refers nor the beliefs of the speaker concerning that state of affairs. Those are what lies misrepresent, by virtue of being false. Since bullshit need not be false, it differs from lies in its misrepresentational intent. The bullshitter may not deceive us, or even intend to do so, either about the facts or about what he takes the facts to be. What he does necessarily attempt to deceive us about is his enterprise. His only indispensably distinctive characteristic is that in a certain way he misrepresents what he is up to.

- On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt

Bullshit, as Harry Frankfurt said, isn’t the same thing as a lie. When you read a lie, you know it is untrue. When bullshit is read, on the other hand, you simply don’t care if it’s true or not. So if I were to tell you that I’m writing this post on a typewriter rather than my laptop that would be a lie. If I were to tell you that I’m writing this post on my laptop and some of the components in this computer were manufactured in Taiwan, well that would be a bullshit.... We are living in a golden age of bullshit. People simply cannot live without it. I took books to prove my point.

The books about Steve Jobs are bullshit

There are many stories about his "great" life. One of them goes like this... Soon after he returned to Apple as CEO in 1997, he decided that a shipping company wasn’t delivering spare parts fast enough. The shipper said it couldn’t do better, and it didn’t have to: Apple had signed a contract granting it the business at the current pace. Steve Jobs as a new chief executive had a simple request: Break the contract. When an Apple manager warned him that this decision would probably mean a lawsuit, Jobs responded, “Just tell them if they fuck with us, they’ll never get another fucking dime from this company, ever.”

The shipper did sue. The manager quit Apple. (Jobs “would have fired me anyway,” he later told to an interview). The legal proceeding took a year and presumably a significant amount of money to resolve. But meanwhile, Apple hired a new shipper that met the expectations of the company’s uncompromising CEO.

What this tells about Steve Jobs? After all, I want to read the lives of successful people for inspiration and instruction. But his behaviours and personality make me uncomfortable. He is a selfish bastard, with only money in front of his eyes. He violates any norm of social or business interaction that stands between him and what he wants. He routinely told subordinates that they were assholes, that they never did anything right. Jobs called his closest friends “a piece of shit” and stormed out anyone whenever they displeased him.

Jobs biography is still a best seller for people that do not use their brain. His life story has emerged as a corporate gospel book. For some people, Jobs’ life has revealed the importance of sticking firmly to vision and goals with no concern for employees or business associates.

I despise the books about Jobs and I take them as a cautionary tale of corporate greed, he was a man who maybe changed the world but that is done at the price of destroying basic human interaction with almost everyone around him.

Autobiography of a Yogi, the book by Paramahansa Yogananda

This book is supposed to be a first-hand account of the life experiences of Paramhansa Yogananda, a spiritual master but this book is negligible, worthless and distasteful, nothing but a great bullshit, even it has been sold in millions of copies and is "beloved" around the world by those interested in yoga and spirituality.

I could not finish reading this book. I stopped reading before Yogananda left to America. It is pointless and disappointing book. Autobiography of a yogi is the ultimate example of zero information in a pretty long book.

The book is full of stories about saints that perform countless miracles - most of which are truly bullshit. It is all about great and predestined life for sainthood. The book does not contain any teaching, as many people claim, but rather an undiscriminating account of second hand stories.

As conscious beings, we exist only in response to other things, and we cannot know ourselves at all without knowing them. Moreover, there is nothing in theory, and certainly nothing in experience, to support the extraordinary judgment that it is the truth about himself that is the easiest for a person to know. Facts about ourselves are not peculiarly solid and resistant to skeptical dissolution. Our natures are, indeed, elusively insubstantial├│notoriously less stable and less inherent than the natures of other things. And insofar as this is the case, sincerity itself is bullshit.

- On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt.

Friday, March 3, 2017

What have I learned in the last 33 years?


No, I am not 33. My birthday is coming, it is here at the end of March. I will be 52 years old and marching further. This photo is taken exactly 33 years ago. I don't have old photos, actually I don't have any here in Toronto. I destroyed all paper photos during a period of my spiritual search. I have done a complete recapitulation of my life and as part of that technique after the recapitulation of my old photographs, I simply burned them, so I have no reminders of my past.

Couple years ago, my daughter snapped this picture. It is an old photo done for my first passport. You have to admit, my hair is in style of the eighties of the last century...

Since then, I've had some incredible life experiences. At age of 29, I've arrived in Canada with my eight months old daughter, my wife and $10K cash money. I was learning English and worked hard as a dishwasher to support family. My wife did not work and after a year I got my job as a computer programmer. I bought our first apartment in 1999 which I paid off ten years later, just after a couple of years later I got into yet another mortgage debt. I divorced and about the same time I've been told by doctors that I have incurable conditions of bipolar disorder. As Bukowski said - Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.... Not me, it's been a pretty wild ride so far!

Now 33 years after this photo, I thought I'd share couple things I've learned over these years:

We constantly choose the wrong people for love partners. 

No need to look at the stars, my divorce hit me hard. I am a positive soul with energy that helps me to easily pass through the most difficult situations in life and such situations I do not take it as something unusual. However, there is another side of me, I usually blame myself for something that did not work as planned.

I have learned that life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens has little or no importance. People are born, they live their pity lives... they eat, shit, fuck, work and work and work more until they die. New people are born and circle is closed. Nature is smiling, the purpose has been accomplished. In meanwhile...

Courage and optimism diminish with time.

The first and most important thing I've learned so far is that as we grow older, as time is passing by, we are becoming more and more cowards. With age we lack the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. Some of us appear as cynics but actually we are just timid, easily intimidated persons.

The house that we own, the money in retirement fund etc. do not really protects us. It fools us. There is no security or any rest in this world, the picture of old people on the beach is not realistic. It does not show, the pills for high blood pressure, diapers, the lack of sleep, rheumatism etc...

Criticism of present days is the final step of maturity.

With the age, you start remembering the most embarrassing crap you did in your life with perfect clarity. The kind things you did will be pushed away, you will forget them. The bad things come out from the dirt of subconsciousness. Instead to correct yourself, you start correcting other people in your life, your kids, spouse, neighbours, co workers. With age we have a fleeting sense of superiority over younger people so they’ll start to resent us. Nothing worthwhile comes with age.

There’s no meaning to your life, no reward for achieving all the things you've achieved. That kind of thinking is a recipe for old world view and is a very lonely road. All things were better back then. When you were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Fuck this! You’re probably not drinking enough water.

Trust yourself. Really.

If you think your love partner likes you, you’re probably right. If you think your spouse cheating, you’re probably right. Your gut will never betray you although you may not know all details. Your intuition is all you have in this world. It never lies to you, for the simple reason - because it does not know how! There are  situations in my life where I simply refused to listen to what I already know because the truth sometimes could hurt me. I have learned that in life you must trust intuition...

We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are!

Even if you are married, don't think too much about your spouse. I've learned to release my control over things and let things happen on their own, I have learned, it is important to be completely independent and to know how to care about yourself. It is not easy to find someone with whom you can share your deepest darkest secrets and reveal to her password of your phone. But to be true to yourself is a natural feature worth to be cultivated in life.

We are on our life journey, and we are at different points on this journey. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so the answers to questions Is There Truth in Life? is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 52 years I have learned that there is not such thing as truth. Everything that we know is false, there are only lies. This is what we are.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

If you don't send this to at least 8 people... who cares?


To know what you are, you must first investigate and know what you are not. Discover all that you are not - body, feelings thoughts, time, space, this or that - nothing, concrete or abstract, which you perceive can be you. The very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive.

The clearer you understand on the level of mind you can be described in negative terms only, the quicker will you come to the end of your search and realize that you are the limitless being.

- Nisargadatta Maharaj

Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing - is the famous saying of William Shakespeare. I don't agree with him. Life is not a story told by an idiot, life is not a tale at all. Intention is the starting point of life. It is the creative power that makes your life, it fulfills all of your needs, whether for money, relationships, spiritual awakening, or love.

Whether Shakespeare realize it or not, a new beginning and a fresh start is happening every single moment. Possibilities are here and if you set the firm intention on something the universe has to deliver it. It has no choice. That how it works.


Have you heard of The Law of Attraction? All chances are that you have watched "The Secret" and then wondered where the hell your stuff is and why the Universe is giving you so little?

The Universe and everything in it, including yourself, is mostly “empty space”. However, space is not actually “empty”, it’s filled with quantum fields and dark energy (whatever that is). In simple words, even though the universe and everything in it is mostly empty, true empty space (a perfect vacuum) doesn't actually exist...

Investigate for yourself or take it for granted, the Universe is you. You are the universe. The universe is your reality and it is full to the brim with your desires. It is your world as you feel it and see it... But unfortunately it does not have EXISTENCE. It is your imagination, the creative power of your intention.

You undertake the journey, live your life, in a way uniquely suited to you and only you. You're equipped with unique gifts, talents, life mission and purposes. Your draw unique experiences into your life in order to learn something. You gain specific knowledge and extract your understanding of life... Is this is what you think?  All those things are bullshit!

"I" is illusion and all is illusion but to understand the illusion, illusion is needed. All is only beliefs and concepts of the mind. Don't be touched by anything.

Don't fear. Nothing will happen. The world is not going to change because it does not exist. Your understanding should be changed nothing else. It all depends on your thoughts.

Everything is your choice, you are the power. The world is yours. Many, many troubles happen to you but don't worry for anything. So do everything but be out of it, nothing else. You take touch of everything and you make confusion.

By words you have become bound, and by words you can be free.

- Ranjit Maharaj

To destroy the false, you must question your beliefs. Of these, the idea that you are the body with the consciousness is the worst. With the body comes the world, with the world - God, who is supposed to have created the world and thus it starts - fears, religions, bondage, spirituality, practice, sacrifices, all sorts of systems - all to protect and support "you", frightened out of your wits by monsters of your own making. In fear of death you imagine your uniqueness, mission, purpose, experience and understanding.

I am not here to make things right for you. What I know for sure? Nothing. No man, teaching, religion, system of thought, doctrine, ideology is correct. You are on your own. The spiritual knowledge is a great ignorance.