Thursday, March 23, 2017

As I sit with my coffee on this early evening...

My birthday is almost here. As I sit with my coffee on this early evening, reflecting upon my life and recent events, I'm writing this post feeling indifference. I'm neither sad nor happy in my relationship with the Dreamer and I'm not looking for another girlfriend. I'm simply empty and tired. Is this feeling a warning sign of a breakup or is it just sign of a rough week?

People stay in a relationship that have passed expiration date for many reasons, such as a fear of being alone or just due to accustomed feelings. Whatever the reason if I know the connection isn’t strong, then breaking up should be the option. On Wednesday night she came for couple hours and we talked about "our connection". I realized that we don't have one. She does not love me and I don't love her. Except sex, everything else is so superficial and it does taste like chicken... but what doesn't?

The culinary experts face one great dilemma: 
why relationships in this world taste like chicken? 
They're curious, did love and hate evolve independently or 
did they both inherit chicken-less from a common ancestor?

I've been deluding myself into thinking that for the past decade I'm still 35. I feel young and in my mind, 50 - something is so fucking old! But the numbers don't lie. I'm just beginning to understand the nature of old age, tiredness and this society which poisoned food, air and water, and made me a slave. I feel my life is just about survival with little or nothing to show.

Happy Birthday Zee!!!
...are you two, are you three... are you forty, are you fifty? Who the fucking cares anymore!

See, after 50, the birthday is the saddest day in a year, it makes you think. I wish that somehow, magically my birth date gets skipped or erased from the calendar. From what I've observed, life gets shittier as you grow up.

I'm known for my coarse language, simplicity, impulsive nature and aggressiveness. Some think I'm arrogant, so what, no doubt, I'm self reliant and adventurous. I want to feel the heat. I want to party... But, not today.

Well I'm supposed to have a pleasant birthday, a good time with friends or have a romantic dinner with the Dreamer. I should be feeling secure and happy that my life is on track and I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Oh how young, vibrant, and beautiful I feel! But, not today.

Naturally, just before birthday, the question of meaning of life surfaces my mind. People are ignorant, they take that the meaning of life involves some kind of joke, if you asked them, they respond with nervous laugh and an attempt to change the subject. To some, this question is threatening, too unnerving to dare to say anything sincere or serious and so laughter seems the only safe response.

This sense of "me", just like my relationship with the Dreamer, fortunately, has an expiration day. This constant process of identifications, more or less unconscious, with its struggles, quarrels, incidents, experiences and so on... can not tolerate itself forever.

This imaginary "me" will be gone one day. I'm so insignificant so I can allow myself to enjoy the play. I'm coming to conclusion that my main purpose here on this planet is to ENJOY LIFE. I have no other meaning, no other task to perform. I'm not worrying about future, I'm completely relaxed because I know that everything will be okay... I will die, at the end of all my exploring I will arrive where I've started.

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