Thursday, March 9, 2017

♪ Every Rose Has Its Thorn

I am turning my back on the world. From now on, yoga and being awake are most important in my life. I may start meditation again. I am 52, what I have? Something more important going? Like what? My plans? What plans? I have no plans, neither short term nor long term. My girlfriend? I don't mistake lust for love. I don't think that an amazing sexual connection is love. My career? I work only to pay bills. I have no interest improving myself...

I am still walking, talking and writing declaring my deep commitment to waking up while doing everything possible not to. I might say I want to wake up, but it quickly becomes apparent that I have some weird notion of what awake means. That might involve anything so long as it does not disturb my slumber.

My starting point is that I don't know myself, that I am not, that is, I am not what I can and what I should be. For this reason I cannot make any valid statement or assume any obligation. I can decide nothing in regard to my future. Today I am one person and tomorrow another.

It is impossible for me to do anything. I clearly understand these things. I have thousands of false ideas and false conceptions, chiefly about myself, and I must get rid of some of them before beginning to acquire anything new. Otherwise the new will be built on a wrong foundation and the result will be worse than before.

My chief delusion is my conviction that I can do. All people think that they can do, all people want to do, and the first question all people ask is what they are to do. But actually nobody does anything and nobody can do anything. This is the first thing that I've understood so far. Everything happens! All events that come on my way, all that is done by me, all that results from me — all this happens. And it happens in exactly the same way as rain falls as a result of temperature change, exactly as snow melts under the rays of the sun, as dust rises with the wind.

I am a machine. All my deeds, actions, words, thoughts, feelings, convictions, opinions, and habits are the results of childhood programming and external influences. Out of myself I cannot produce a single thought, a single action. Everything I say, do, think, feel, and write here — all this happens. I cannot discover anything, invent anything. It all happens.

I say that I understand this but I am not convinced about it yet. To establish this fact for myself, to live it, to be convinced of this truth, means getting rid of a thousand illusions about me, about my being creative and consciously organizing my own life, and so on. There is nothing of this kind.

Look around. Everything happens — popular movements, social media, Oscar winning ceremonies, sports competition, wars, all this happens. And it happens in exactly the same way as everything happens in my life. I am born, live and will die. I work like a dog, build castles in the air, write this blog, not as I want to, but as it happens. Everything happens. I don't love, hate, desire — all this happens.

But no one will ever believe me if I tell them they cannot do nothing. This is the big  offense and the most unpleasant thing I can tell people. It is particularly unpleasant and offense because it is the truth, and nobody wants to know the truth.

When you understand this it will be easier for you to read my blog. But it is one thing to understand with the mind and another thing to feel it with one's being, to be really convinced that it is so and never forget it.

With this question of doing, yet another thing is connected. It always seems to people that others invariably do things wrongly, not in the way they should be done. Everybody always thinks he could do it better. They do not understand, and do not want to understand, that what is being done, and particularly what has already been done in one way, cannot be, and could not have been, done in another way. Oh why bother, you will never get it.

In today's world it is impossible for us to understand each another. This also, at the moment, seems strange to you. But it is true. In order to understand it is necessary to know yourself first. At present people cannot understand one another because they lie, all the time, to everyone.

So, I must learn to speak the truth. This also appears strange to you. You do not realize that you have to learn to speak the truth. It seems to you that it is enough to wish or to decide to do so. And I tell you that I comparatively rarely tell a deliberate lie. In most cases I think I speak the truth. And yet I lie all the time, both when I wish to lie and when I wish to speak the truth. I lie all the time, both to myself and to others.

Nobody ever understands anything in this world. Think for a second - could there be such discord, such deep misunderstanding, and such hatred towards the views and opinions of others, if you were able to understand another person? But you cannot understand because you too cannot help lying.

To speak the truth is the most difficult thing in the world; and I must study a great deal and for a long time in order to be able to speak the truth. My wish alone is not enough. To speak the truth I must know what the truth is and what a lie is, and first of all in myself. And this is what I want to know.

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