Friday, March 3, 2017

What have I learned in the last 33 years?


No, I am not 33. My birthday is coming, it is here at the end of March. I will be 52 years old and marching further. This photo is taken exactly 33 years ago. I don't have old photos, actually I don't have any here in Toronto. I destroyed all paper photos during a period of my spiritual search. I have done a complete recapitulation of my life and as part of that technique after the recapitulation of my old photographs, I simply burned them, so I have no reminders of my past.

Couple years ago, my daughter snapped this picture. It is an old photo done for my first passport. You have to admit, my hair is in style of the eighties of the last century...

Since then, I've had some incredible life experiences. At age of 29, I've arrived in Canada with my eight months old daughter, my wife and $10K cash money. I was learning English and worked hard as a dishwasher to support family. My wife did not work and after a year I got my job as a computer programmer. I bought our first apartment in 1999 which I paid off ten years later, just after a couple of years later I got into yet another mortgage debt. I divorced and about the same time I've been told by doctors that I have incurable conditions of bipolar disorder. As Bukowski said - Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.... Not me, it's been a pretty wild ride so far!

Now 33 years after this photo, I thought I'd share couple things I've learned over these years:

We constantly choose the wrong people for love partners. 

No need to look at the stars, my divorce hit me hard. I am a positive soul with energy that helps me to easily pass through the most difficult situations in life and such situations I do not take it as something unusual. However, there is another side of me, I usually blame myself for something that did not work as planned.

I have learned that life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens has little or no importance. People are born, they live their pity lives... they eat, shit, fuck, work and work and work more until they die. New people are born and circle is closed. Nature is smiling, the purpose has been accomplished. In meanwhile...

Courage and optimism diminish with time.

The first and most important thing I've learned so far is that as we grow older, as time is passing by, we are becoming more and more cowards. With age we lack the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. Some of us appear as cynics but actually we are just timid, easily intimidated persons.

The house that we own, the money in retirement fund etc. do not really protects us. It fools us. There is no security or any rest in this world, the picture of old people on the beach is not realistic. It does not show, the pills for high blood pressure, diapers, the lack of sleep, rheumatism etc...

Criticism of present days is the final step of maturity.

With the age, you start remembering the most embarrassing crap you did in your life with perfect clarity. The kind things you did will be pushed away, you will forget them. The bad things come out from the dirt of subconsciousness. Instead to correct yourself, you start correcting other people in your life, your kids, spouse, neighbours, co workers. With age we have a fleeting sense of superiority over younger people so they’ll start to resent us. Nothing worthwhile comes with age.

There’s no meaning to your life, no reward for achieving all the things you've achieved. That kind of thinking is a recipe for old world view and is a very lonely road. All things were better back then. When you were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Fuck this! You’re probably not drinking enough water.

Trust yourself. Really.

If you think your love partner likes you, you’re probably right. If you think your spouse cheating, you’re probably right. Your gut will never betray you although you may not know all details. Your intuition is all you have in this world. It never lies to you, for the simple reason - because it does not know how! There are  situations in my life where I simply refused to listen to what I already know because the truth sometimes could hurt me. I have learned that in life you must trust intuition...

We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are!

Even if you are married, don't think too much about your spouse. I've learned to release my control over things and let things happen on their own, I have learned, it is important to be completely independent and to know how to care about yourself. It is not easy to find someone with whom you can share your deepest darkest secrets and reveal to her password of your phone. But to be true to yourself is a natural feature worth to be cultivated in life.

We are on our life journey, and we are at different points on this journey. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so the answers to questions Is There Truth in Life? is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 52 years I have learned that there is not such thing as truth. Everything that we know is false, there are only lies. This is what we are.


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