Thursday, September 13, 2018

Everything you want is a dream away...


I am 53. I don't have old photos. I destroyed all paper photos during a period of my spiritual search. I have done a complete recapitulation of my life and as part of that technique I burned my old photographs so I have no attachment to my past.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I had no idea what really matters in life.

At age of 29, I arrived in Canada with my eight months old daughter, my wife and $10K cash money. I was learning English and I worked hard as a dishwasher to support family. My wife did not work. After a year of making salads and washing dishes I got my job as a computer programmer. I bought our first apartment in 1999 which I paid off ten years later, and just couple of months later I got into yet another mortgage debt. I divorced and about the same time I've been told by doctors that I have incurable conditions of bipolar disorder.

I hear people of my age talking about retirement, pension plans, and future in general. They are very much afraid of what will happen to them. They are afraid of getting old. I do not worry about such things. What is the future after all? An imagination. The future does not exist, it is just in the mind. People lose present moment worrying about the future, worrying about something that does not exist.

I cannot really say that I have discovered the truth but I am okay with understanding that nothing has value in this life. Events arouse desire, fear, anger, and you think it is "you". You get stuck talking to yourself, explaining, hoping, trying to find any meaning in all this.


I have learned that life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens has little or no importance. People are born, they live their pity lives... they eat, shit, fuck, work and work and work more until they die. New people are born and circle is closed. Nature is smiling, the purpose has been accomplished.

In meanwhile...

Courage and optimism diminish with time

As you grow older, as time is passing by, you are becoming more and more a coward. With age you lack the courage to do or endure unpleasant things. Some of you appear as cynics but actually you are just timid, easily intimidated person.

The house that you own, the money in retirement fund etc. do not really protect you. It fools you. There is no security or any rest in this world, the picture of old people on the beach is not realistic. It does not show, the pills for high blood pressure, diapers, the lack of sleep, rheumatism etc...

With the age, you start remembering the most embarrassing crap you did in your life with perfect clarity. The kind things you did will be pushed away, you will forget them. The bad things come out from the dirt of subconsciousness. Instead to correct yourself, you start correcting other people in your life, your kids, spouse, neighbors, co workers. With age you have a fleeting sense of superiority over younger people so they start to resent you.

Believe me, nothing worthwhile comes with age.

There’s no meaning to your life, no reward for achieving all the things you've achieved. And please, stop saying that things were better back then in your youth. When you were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Oh well.


Trust yourself, really

If you think your partner likes you, you’re probably right. If you think your spouse cheating, you’re probably right. Your gut will never betray you although you may not know all details. Your intuition is all you have in this world. It never lies to you, for the simple reason - it does not know how!

Do whatever you want. Be your damn self. Don’t be a terrible person. Be nice to others. Be supportive of your friends... But seriously, do whatever the fuck you want!

Do you want glass of beer? Then just drink a beer. Do you want a peace of chocolate? Don’t be gross about it, and don’t eat a chocolate three meals a day. But I beg you stop beating yourself up about it and just eat.

Do. Whatever. You Want. The life is your show. It is your universe. Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, you are completely on your own. Everything is available to you. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary for you.

Be courageous, enough to fulfill a life fully understanding that there is only a glaring nothingness awaiting you on the other side. Live, fight like it matters...

Even if you are married, don't think too much about your spouse. I've started releasing my control over things and let things happen on their own, It is important to be completely independent and to know how to care about yourself. It is not easy to find someone with whom you can share your deepest secrets. But to be true to yourself is a feature worth to be cultivated in life.

You are on your life journey. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so the answers to questions Is There Truth in Life? is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 53 years I have concluded that there is not such thing as truth. Everything that you know is false, there are only lies. You may have concluded something else... Does it really matter?


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