Sunday, January 28, 2018

Life is Strange - Episode 2: Out of Time

Sunday, 10:30 PM I just woke up. I left to bed at 8 PM I did not feel well today afternoon. I have started coughing and I have throat pain since this morning. I am fighting not to get flue. I hope vitamin C and hot tea will help.

It was a very nice weekend. I've been with my girlfriend since Friday night. She came late, it was almost 11 PM, we were drinking beer and went to sleep after 2:30 AM. On Saturday, we went to Milestones and had dinner and after we watch movie in VIP section which is really nice experience. We came home around 10:30 PM and we were continuing drinking wine, listening music and having a good time.

Here I am, February is coming, and I am ready to press forward. Daily yoga practice! Last week, I had 4 practices, I feel good about it. I've stopped running after illusion, thinking that something good will come out of it and that I will be blessed with something that I cannot even define it.

Right now I concentrate on small, concrete things. I have meeting tomorrow with the bank., I got approved for mortgage re-financing and I have to sign the papers. I decided to move all my accounts to the new bank and that is really painful work. All payments, direct deposit etc. needs to be set so lots of phone calls needs to be done.

That may sound strange for you, you may come to conclusion that there is something more important in this life from just being aware. No. Nothing of more important than that. On this infinite sense of presence, these bunch of emotions, feelings and thoughts have came. That is my world, just bunch of false things. In truth, I'm peace and happiness, the only permanency in this restlessness called life. Everything is time and only I am out of time.

I think that is what most of you want. To be out of time. But here lies the catch. Seeking your peace is a problem. The running is a problem. For you as you are now, the happiness is not an original thing, it is secondary, it is a byproduct of something else. I am afraid that you just seeking satisfaction and consequently your happiness depends entirely on your imagination. The imagination is a big problem.

It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. Simply change your point of view, whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, it is your life. You can make the best or the worst of it. I wish you make the best of it. And I wish you see things that wonder you. I wish you feel love you never felt before. I wish you meet crazy people with a different points of view. I wish you live a life you’re proud of, if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

Not so long time ago I was like you. I lost myself in a marriage, in senseless career and in search for happiness. Instead of living the life as it comes, I was Willy Zee, the Coyote, constantly running to suit others, desperately trying to maintain a good outlook of what others think of me.

But, I turned it around. I stopped running after illusion. The others weren’t at fault. Everything that was in front of me was there because I, and I alone, had put it there. How could I possibly expect anyone to value myself when they are confused and distorted mess themselves.

I realized the reason for my constant search for happiness is because I was not living the life for myself, I was living for other people and was doing a pretty bad job of it. I wanted to change and in doing so, I needed to figure out how. I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight. It had taken me more than 10 years to get rid of some false ideas.

I stopped being interested in my marriage and eventually, on the initiative of my ex divorce happened. My marriage ended for good. In two weeks I left our home and I started new life. I deeply wanted it. I saw all the wrong things in my marriage. I started living alone and couple months after, I realized that nothing was out of reach and it was up to me to take control of my life and that anything was possible. Instead of crashing and burning I eagerly absorbed new things. Six months after divorce I went to St. Marten with a new girlfriend.

Instead of excusing or blaming myself for my breakup of marriage, I allowed things to fall naturally into place. After two years of my divorce, I was realized that my new life is not what I really want. I was stumbling over the same problems over and again.

I discovered that when I am in the present moment, I am far less likely to keep tripping up. Although I still do wrong tings, I'm rectifying things sooner and understand the reasons behind the mistakes. I also have learned that I will always, always make mistakes, regardless of how much I learn because of simple reason of my forgetfulness of who really I am.

I'm writing this blog, describing the people that have strongly resonated with me and what have I learned from them... Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ranjit Maharaj, Jed McKenna, U.G. Krishnamurti, Bukowski, Gurdjieff... I quote them often and I try to remember their sayings. I use this blog to motivate me and to help me stop running after my imagination.

It is up to me to convinced myself that I'm worthy of this and not worthy of that. In doing so I've attracted all kinds of wrong people and rubbish into my life. I've made a conscious decision to stop filling my head with negativity, first of all about myself. I'm not unique, different and worthy of something, I AM NOTHING.

I'm thinking long and hard about those that I've loved and those that loved me. I realized that often I would take people for granted and assume they already knew their place in my life. I made a conscious decision to love openly whoever I chose to and let them know that, with actions rather than just words.

It is true, I'm living a lie, living according to society’s expectations of me. Mother, father, wife.. boss, coworkers, friends... I've seen that I could be whoever and do whatever I chose to be. Those that truly love me will accept me all the same and those are the only ones that really matter in my life.

Life free from judging is wonderful. I've stopped taking people seriously and I've started paying attention of what I think about myself.

Someone, somewhere will always disapprove my words regardless of how hard I try. I've stopped trying to please anyone. As long as I believe in myself and trust that I'm living as the best as I can, I truly don't give a fuck about opinions of other people. It is liberating and refreshing and it's simply the best and most loving thing I've ever done for myself.

Share Share on Facebook Tweet Share on Google+

like on facebook
Most Popular: