Sunday, March 12, 2017

Willy Zee, the Coyote

Nice weekend. I've been very much social these days. Last night, I was in Bonimi for a dinner and later I went to Kennedy's, to met my friends. I came home around 12 and went to bed at 2, which due to clock change magically was 3. Now, I just woke up from an afternoon nap, I'm refreshed and full of energy. I'm eager to write a long post...

Here I am, already March, although freezing weather is in Toronto I am ready to press forward. Daily yoga practice! Last week, I had 5 practices, I feel good about it. I've stopped running after illusion, thinking that something good will come out of it and that I will be blessed with something that I cannot even define it.

You see, I take my feelings and sensations, moods and experiences and out of all that I create the mirage of inner life, call myself conscious and reasoning being, talk about awakening, about yoga, about daily life with accent on spirituality. I write about everything imaginable, judge, discuss, complain but in fact, I don't give a shit about all this. The life, as I lead it, does not really affect me.

That may sound strange for you, you may come to conclusion that there are two Zee person, and this blog is just an alter ego thing. No. Nothing of that kind. You see, the false Zee never was and the true Zee is forever. I am an infinite sense of presence, these bunch of emotions, feelings and thoughts have come on it. That is my world, just bunch of false things. In truth, I'm peace and happiness, a permanency in this restlessness.

I think that is what most of you want. To be what you really are. But here lies the catch. Seeking your true nature is a problem. The running is a problem. Carrying for others is a problem. For you as you are now, the happiness is not an original thing, it is secondary, it is a byproduct of something else. I am afraid that you just seeking satisfaction and consequently your happiness depends entirely on your imagination. The imagination is a problem.

It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. Simply change your point of view, whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, it is your universe. You can make the best or the worst of your life. I wish you make the best of it. And I wish you see things that wonder you. I wish you feel love you never felt before. I wish you meet crazy people with a different point of view. I wish you live a life you’re proud of, if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

Not so long time ago I was just like you. I lost myself in a marriage, in career and in search for happiness. Instead of living the life as it comes, I was Willy Zee Coyote, constantly running to suit others, desperately trying to maintain a good outlook of what others thought of me.

But, I turned it around. I stopped running after illusion. The others weren’t at fault. Everything that was in front of me was there because I, and I alone, had put it there. Looking in the mirror I discovered that I have no face. My sense of existence is something else than my body and mind. How could I possibly expect anyone to value my real self when they are confused and distorted mess, a mixture of everyone, making them no one.

I realized the reason for my constant search for happiness is because I was not living the life destined for me, I was living for everyone else and was doing a pretty bad job of it. I wanted to change and in doing so, I needed to figure out how. I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight — I had taken more than 10 years to get rid of false things.

I looked at my marriage, my career, the area I lived, my overall situation. I thought about places I wanted to visit and all the things I wanted to experience. I realized that although some of these changes were not possible immediately, there were so many things I could work on one small step at a time.

I stopped being interested in my marriage and eventually, on the initiative of my ex divorce happened. My marriage ended for good. In two weeks I left our home and I started new life as I deeply wanted it. I saw all the things in my life until then weren’t healthy. I started living alone and couple months after, I realized that nothing was out of reach and it was up to me to take control of my life and that anything was possible. Instead of crashing and burning I slowly absorbed new things. I even bought a cell phone. Six months after divorce I went to St. Marten with a girlfriend.

Instead of excusing or blaming myself for my breakup of marriage, I allowed things to fall naturally into place. Soon after,I realised that I was stumbling over the same problems over and again and I would keep coming face to face with them until I accepted where I was going wrong. Whenever I made errors, bad judgements or was careless, I thought about what part I had played in allowing the mistake to happen.

I discovered that when I lived in the present moment, I was far less likely to keep tripping up. Although I still do wrong tings, I'm rectifying things sooner and understand the reasons behind the mistakes. I also have learned that I will always, always make mistakes, regardless of how much I learn because of simple reason of my forgetfulness of who really I am.

I'm writing this blog, describing the people that have strongly resonated with me. What have I lerned from them? Nisargadatta, Ranjit Maharaj, Jed McKenna, Krishnamurti, Bukowski, Gurdjieff... I'm looking all the characteristics that made those people what they were. I quote them often and I try to remember their sayings. I use this admiration to motivate me and to help me stop running after my imagination.

Whatever I am believing is bad conditioning. I've convinced myself that I'm worthy of this and not worthy of that. In doing so I've attracted all kinds of wrong people and rubbish into my life. I've  made a conscious decision to stop filling my head with negativity, first of all about myself. I'm not unique, different and worthy of something, I AM NOTHING.

As soon as I unlearned all of the rubbish of becoming, I've began to attract exactly what I deserve. I've thought long and hard about those that I've loved and those that loved me. I realized that often I would take people for granted and assume they already knew their place in my life. I made a conscious decision to love openly whoever I chose to and let them know that, with actions rather than just words.

I was living a lie, living according to society’s expectations of me. Mother, father, wife.. boss, coworkers, friends... I've seen that I could be whoever and do whatever I chose to be. Those that truly love me will accept me all the same and those are the only ones that really matter in my life.

Life free from judging myself is wonderful. I've stopped caring about what people are thinking about me and I've started caring about what I think about myself, about what I need to do to be fulfilled and also what makes me happy on the inside. When I go out, I don't give a damn if people like how I'm dressed, what I said, if they value my opinions.

Someone, somewhere will always disapprove my words regardless of how hard I try. I don't give a damn how many my blog has Facebook likes. I've stopped trying to please you and instead I am writing for the only person that really matters - myself. I have no comments on this blog, your opinions and judgements are faded away from my thoughts. As long as I believe in myself and trust that I'm living as the best as I can, I truly don't give a fuck about your opinion. It was liberating and refreshing and simply the best and most loving thing I ever do for you.

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