Tuesday, April 11, 2017

I dance to a different song


If you don't follow my blog but you came from a Facebook group and you just read an article, you might wonder what I'm actually writing about. Well, I'm writing about awakening, spirituality, yoga and daily life. I also write about experiences in relationships and online dating. To be quite honest I'm just having a fun.

By reading my blog you may come to conclusion that my life is great and I have nothing to complain about... and you are quite right. Nevertheless, at this moment, I want to shift the course of my life. I feel an internal desire to turn things around. My vision is not completely clear and I'm not quite sure where I want to end up, so things are about to change.

At age 52, I've reached a point when I just no longer fit in with the crowd. It is difficult for me to admit, but I must be honest, I'm too old for going out and clubbing. There is no reason I should go to clubs if everyone around me is my daughter's age. If you don’t see the problem then you have a problem.

Last weekend was all about drinking. The Dreamer came on Friday and we had four beers each. We were drinking and talking, we went to bed around 2 am. On Saturday we went out to Reservoir Lounge, meet my friends, danced and of course drunk beer. On Sunday I was with my friends in Dark Horse on Bloor and later in Brydens. I had at least five pints of beer.

I'm thinking for myself and I'm seeing my mistakes. What I'm not quite sure is this life my show, is it my dream or just randomly and loosely connected events. But honestly, who the fuck cares. I need to save money, smoke less, drink less and exercise more. Spring is here. Today in Toronto is 20 C and it feels really nice so I'll be rising earlier. So from today I'm starting a new "spring/summer" schedule:

5 am - wake up
7 am - yoga practice (60 min)
6 pm - gym exercise (20 min)
9 pm - sleep

Daily ashtanga yoga half-primary practice, 60 minutes long and once a week the full primary class is a must. I want to have 85 kg without belly fat. I want to include daily gym exercise and running / walking daily activity. I want to increase my energy so I need physical activities. I need to use the gym more often and to start running outside. The money monitoring should be put in place. I want to be more aware of my money spending habits and I must try to spend less and save more.

I’ve come to realization that I should change my relationship with the Dreamer. She takes too much time and she costs me a lot of money. For what? There is no future with her and these days are just passing show. I feel like I am wasting time. I have decided to dedicate the rest of my life in finding the Truth and being who I am. To love someone is to be in heaven. Love is essential for a joyful life. Sex is a wonderful, most creative force in life. But sometimes the same love creates emotional, physical, spiritual, mental turmoil and takes me away from my goal.

So my life from now will be simple with lots of physical activities. I will do yoga and try to eat healthy. I'll continue going to bed at 9 PM and have a good night rest. I don't care what other people think of me. I'm not interested if people going to like me or not.

"I" or "me" or personal self does not exist; personal self is an illusion.
Nothing in this world is true.
The life is a dream and the meaning of life is whatever I give it.
The purpose of life is to enjoy simple existence.

Coming weekend is a long weekend. The Dreamer has kids and I'll be alone. I'll stay in Toronto, no traveling, visiting new places is not for me. It seems everyone fantasizes about traveling around the world. What is there to be seen? Other countries, cities, full of ignorant people or some ruins and stones, reminders of another ignorant culture. The history of mankind is the misery. There is nothing to be learned. I need to do my income tax.


Will you realize when I'm gone
That I dance to a different song
It's a shame but I've got to go

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About Zee Mark

I am an Ashtanga yoga practitioner from Toronto, Canada. I am writing a blog about awakening, yoga and everyday life. My entire life journey has led me to this very moment in time. I finally arrived to a place where I am okay with the truth that there is no truth.