Friday, April 7, 2017

Twirl and twirl and get dizzy

April the 7th, 2017, cold and windy day in Toronto. It was snowing this morning, now it is blue sky and sun shines. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. because I went to bed at 8:30 last night. I was exhausted from my daily problems and these dark, rainy days.

Life... It’s one of the great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don’t know.

I think it’s wonderful when people find God, when people assume they have found the reason for living and they have all kind of excuses for their own daily shit. I am not there yet. I have no idea what my purpose in life is. This morning I've felt so vividly emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking of something but in fact, I am lazy and I'm postponing my yoga practice.

You, no matter what you do, don’t have time for introspection of your life. Maybe that is good. Not me! I have so much time in my hands that I don't know what to do. In my life nothing going as planned. If you read my blog so far, you will see that I've planned many things...

30 Day Yoga Challenge miserable failed. I did only 3 practices in April so far, I had so much problems at work and I did not do yoga practice. Meridian credit union wants $800 in order to open the secured line of credit so I declined the offer. My finances will remain with CIBC bank. I will not close my accounts.

No matter how much you understand about life or don’t, you still have to do the living. Do you want more of life? Do you want to try to catch it with your hands, swallow it raw; make it a part of you? Do you want to be be there when it happens? OK then, don't be numb, create opportunities, feel the air on your skin, wake up and run after it, without apologizing. Know what life is, let it spins you around for life is an addiction. Please do, consume the delusions like a drug, because it helps you feel alive, twirl and twirl and get dizzy.

The meaning of all of this is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. There is nothing here to be achieved. When your dizziness subsides you'll see that your problems are not fixed.

Do yourself a favor, stop worrying. I’m not saying run, there is nowhere to run, I’m saying, things will take care of themselves, so intend the best and spin your world again and again...

From my early age I was told to pursue my dreams. I'm told that I can be whatever I want to be; a prince, policeman, firefighter or President, but then as I got older and got closer towards teen years I slowly realized that none of that is possible.

I became a realistic pessimist. Yes, pursue your dreams and when you succeed you will see that you have not enough money for daily living. That is the truth of this dreamlike existence. Following the heart is not always good thing.

The more I think about my life, the more I realize there is nothing to be understood... it is better for me to take responsibility and do the yoga practice, instead of blaming others, or circumstances, or weather or whatever. I clearly see that my state of health, happiness, and every circumstance of my life has been, in large part, arranged by myself - consciously or unconsciously.

If you think the life is a serious thing, I'll tell you, you are wrong. Nothing is serious.

It seems to me that the way most people go on living, they think that the world or life or whatever is this place where everything is supposed to be logical and consistent. Well, sometimes that is not the case. I have absolutely no idea where I’m going from here.

Now, I'm reaching a point when I’m happy with small things. I have no more expectations from life. This is a shocking realization. It’s hard to look at the life - at all of my work and effort and time and energy and hopes and dreams - and to face an emptiness in its cold and dark perspective.

It’s painful to say, but I don't want anything anymore. This should be it.

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About Zee Mark

I am an Ashtanga yoga practitioner from Toronto, Canada. I am writing a blog about awakening, yoga and everyday life. My entire life journey has led me to this very moment in time. I finally arrived to a place where I am okay with the truth that there is no truth.