Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Once fallen off a cliff you don't need trail map anymore


New agers are pretty crazy people. The most dedicated of them will undergo all sorts of hardship in their search for whatever they’re searching for; they’ll eat row food, most of the time starving, they will freeze on snow, give away money and possessions, do yoga contorting themselves into pretzels, endure mind-numbing boredom of daily meditation, travel to foreign lands to visit interesting lama and much more, but the one thing they won’t do is look at yourself.

They think and the mind convinces them that they are inward-facing, but they really aren’t so no progress is made. Going inward is a process of self-destruction, whereas all what they do is pursuing some form of self-improvement.

As long as they stay pointed outward towards the Spirits, chakras and energy, and feel that they’re making progress toward some imagined ideal, they’ll fool themselves of awakening, but the only thing that can ever make a difference is seeing all that as false, and that’s what no one ever does.

In my experience, those who do go inward and do what is necessary to dismantle their personalities have begun the real process of awakening and they don’t need anyone else for anything, just as once you’ve fallen off a cliff you don’t need your trail map anymore.

To understand anything is very easy. The trick of deflating your personality is not to believe things you don’t know, okay? Once you do that then no more personality. You make up your personality just by believing things you don’t know. There is no personality, it is acquired thing. Hard to believe, I know.

To ask how you can be free of your body and reside in the world of Spirits is ridiculous. Why would you want to be free of your body? To me it seems wonderful to have a body. Look at all the wonderful things you can do with a body that you can’t do without one. Maybe on the fifth dimension don’t have a body, then that’s fine, then you can do other things, like watching grass growing, follow ocean's waves or galaxy moving, but now you have a body so you can do body things. Can you have sex without a body? I bet you can’t.

Monday, May 29, 2017

We only fall in love with 3 people in our lifetime


Not so many people comes to our life offering LOVE, many people come for a very different reasons. However, we really fall in love with only three people in our lifetime.

I met my first love on the first year of my university and she was grade 12, still in high school. We were young and crazy. (I am not young anymore.) It was an idealistic love, the one that seems like a fairytale.

We stayed together for three years and we had all kinds of adventures and even we lived together for a year or so. I left her. One night I saw that if I stay with her we will get married and deep down inside my heart I knew this is not a destiny for me. I wanted to go out of my country and with her that was not possible. I loved her but I decided to break up. She got engaged with other guy in a month of our break up. She is now married to him and they live a happy life back home. Since our break up I have never seen her again.

A month or so after the break up I met my ex. It’s my second love and it looked right. The second love is supposed to be our hard love, the one that teaches you lessons about who you are and how you often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.

22 years later we got divorced and we are now just strangers on the street. She broke up with me and I left my family, I was ready for it. There was no emotional drama. Thinking now, I do regret meeting my ex. She was not an emotional type of person and she never showed me her real feelings.

After divorce I have met a lot of women. I wanted to love and to be loved but I could not find a girlfriend to stay enough time for real love. A seven days, ten days, a month, I changed my girlfriends often. With one girlfriend I was about 2 years but with constant breaking up and coming together. We went 5 times to Caribbean vacations and we had a great time but there was no love.

And then she came into my life... My third love which I never saw coming. At the beginning, or even now, it looked like all is wrong for me. The relationship that destroys any ideal I knew about what love is supposed to be. But all comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. My connection to her can’t be explained and it really knocks me off my feet because I've never planned for it.

We just fit together without any expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than what we really are. I just simply accepted her for who she is already, a single working mother with kids and lots of obligations. It isn’t what I envisioned my love would look like, nor does she follows any rule that I had hoped to play it. She shatters my preconceived notions and shows me that love doesn’t have to be how I thought in order to be true.

We are together and we had our up and downs because naturally I am a fickle guy. Possibly I've needed some time to learn that I really love her. I was making myself ready for love and the love was ready for me.

What it really comes down to is that I have reached the love limit in my lifetime. Some people choose to stay with their first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone happy. Some choose to stay with their second under the belief that if they don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having. Some, like me, believe in the third love. The one that feels like home without any logic; the love that isn’t like anything you have imagined to be.

And maybe there’s something special about my first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about my second but there’s something pretty amazing about third, it is the current one and it's the last one.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

I don't worry about being insane


Today is Sunday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and I said oh no, I'm totally insane. That's awakening, you realize you're insane. Not a little insane but all the way totally crazy. You see yourself that you always have been completely insane. That is awakening, nothing else.

I did not do yoga for a week. I can blame it in high dopamine and low serotonin in my brain but I won't. I was insane and didn’t know it. But this morning, I am of course insane but I know it. Yesterday I thought I am perfectly sane. That’s where I am now. How about you? Do you think you are as sane as everyone else? Ha, you are insane too, because there are no sane people. If you don’t know you’re insane, you're stuck, nothing you can do about it.

What make you and me, and other people insane?

We don’t know what we’re doing or why we’re doing it, but we keep doing it anyway. That’s what insane means. You don’t believe you’re insane because you’re insane. When you realize you are insane you will be much more sane. Not fully sane but going in a right direction.


I am not a nutritionist or a dietitian. I am not a yoga trainer, a coach or a fitness expert of any kind. Please do not consider anything you read here to be advice from an expert. Today I set the goal to look good and pay attention to my body. Yes, the physical body. I am going to consume the fewer calories than what I intake.

The Goal -  85 kg by the end of June

I am a person of extremes and if I don't see results in short period of time I'm discouraged and I quit the endeavor. I'm not going to spare myself, the yoga practice will be one hour long and I should be exhausted after it. I'm going to eat very little but healthy.

The Goal - looks like this guy

I will pretend to be insane because it’s not really in my interest to become sane. What’s the point of being sane in a crazy world? I will be a freak. I am a freak right now because I am insane, but everyone is insane so I blend in. When I stop blending in, then I am really a freak. Is that what I want?


In this world, nothing makes sense by itself. If I want a sense, I have to make it up. Sense that I have to make up is of course, the nonsense. I have to make up nonsense to explain what I'm doing. That’s because I'm insane.

May 2017 - 90 kg

Being insane isn’t the problem, that’s easy to fix. Not knowing I'm insane is the problem, that’s pretty hard to fix. But now I know that i am insane, so it’s not a real problem. If it’s not a problem, it doesn’t need to be fixed. I can go back to what I was doing and don’t worry about being insane.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

I will always love you


I'm not in love, right?

After all, I know the signs that mean I'm in love. I was there before, I'm able to tell whether I am in love or not. Definitely. Unless...

Unless I'm afraid I might be in love with her. Unless she’s is in different stage of her life and terrified of commitment and loving me would be a waste of time. Unless I'm sure she will leave me eventually. Unless I do NOT want to be in love right now and and I have NO intention of being in love because I just say so...

When I take the time to think about it, am I really sure?

Of course I am not in love with her...

Then why am I thinking about her? Why do I think she is unique. Why have I stopped looking to other women. Well, recent studies has confirmed that this single-mindedness results from elevated levels of dopamine — a chemical involved in attention and focus in brain. Yes, that's must be it.

It is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional instability. I easily bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair, jealousy etc... Oh I forgot, I am a bipolar and these mood swings are normal things.

The studies done in this area have confirmed that it is okay to spend, on average, more than 85 percent of my waking hours musing over her. They say that this intrusive thinking, as the form of obsessive behavior, may result from decreased levels of central serotonin in the brain, a condition that has been associated with this behavior. I cannot agree more. Increased dopamine and decrease serotonin, phew, nothing to do with love.

I looked online and I found another study, presented in 2013 at the "Being Human" conference, that said people are attracted to their opposites, at least their "brain-chemical" opposites. For instance, the research found that people with so-called testosterone-dominant personalities (highly analytical, competitive and emotionally contained like me) were often drawn to mates with personalities linked to high estrogen and oxytocin levels — these individuals tended to be "empathetic, nurturing, trusting and prosocial, and introspective, seeking meaning and identity" just like her. Well that is what the scientist said, not me.

If I am deeply in love with her I should experience sexual desire with strong emotional strings attached: And studies said the longing for sex is coupled with possessiveness, a desire for sexual exclusivity, and extreme jealousy when the partner is pay attention to other people. 

For her 1979 book "Love and Limerence," the psychologist Dorothy Tennov asked men and women to express main feeling of being in love. Many participants expressed feelings of helplessness, saying their obsession was irrational and involuntary. According to Dr. Tennov people feel attraction for their partner as a kind of biological, instinct-like action that is not under voluntary or logical control... 

And that brings us to the song, finally this post do belong to SONG category. I try desperately to argue with myself, to limit my logical influence, to channel it, to deny it, and dammit even I know that with her I have absolutely no chance of making a life together, I am missing her, with dopamine or without.

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you