Saturday, May 27, 2017

I will always love you

I'm not in love, right?

After all, I know the signs that mean I'm in love. I was there before, I'm able to tell whether I am in love or not. Definitely. Unless...

Unless I'm afraid I might be in love with her. Unless she’s is in different stage of her life and terrified of commitment and loving me would be a waste of time. Unless I'm sure she will leave me eventually. Unless I do NOT want to be in love right now and and I have NO intention of being in love because I just say so...

When I take the time to think about it, am I really sure?

Of course I am not in love with her...

Then why am I thinking about her? Why do I think she is unique. Why have I stopped looking to other women. Well, recent studies has confirmed that this single-mindedness results from elevated levels of dopamine — a chemical involved in attention and focus in brain. Yes, that's must be it.

It is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional instability. I easily bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair, jealousy etc... Oh I forgot, I am a bipolar and these mood swings are normal things.

The studies done in this area have confirmed that it is okay to spend, on average, more than 85 percent of my waking hours musing over her. They say that this intrusive thinking, as the form of obsessive behavior, may result from decreased levels of central serotonin in the brain, a condition that has been associated with this behavior. I cannot agree more. Increased dopamine and decrease serotonin, phew, nothing to do with love.

I looked online and I found another study, presented in 2013 at the "Being Human" conference, that said people are attracted to their opposites, at least their "brain-chemical" opposites. For instance, the research found that people with so-called testosterone-dominant personalities (highly analytical, competitive and emotionally contained like me) were often drawn to mates with personalities linked to high estrogen and oxytocin levels — these individuals tended to be "empathetic, nurturing, trusting and prosocial, and introspective, seeking meaning and identity" just like her. Well that is what the scientist said, not me.

If I am deeply in love with her I should experience sexual desire with strong emotional strings attached: And studies said the longing for sex is coupled with possessiveness, a desire for sexual exclusivity, and extreme jealousy when the partner is pay attention to other people. 

For her 1979 book "Love and Limerence," the psychologist Dorothy Tennov asked men and women to express main feeling of being in love. Many participants expressed feelings of helplessness, saying their obsession was irrational and involuntary. According to Dr. Tennov people feel attraction for their partner as a kind of biological, instinct-like action that is not under voluntary or logical control... 

And that brings us to the song, finally this post do belong to SONG category. I try desperately to argue with myself, to limit my logical influence, to channel it, to deny it, and dammit even I know that with her I have absolutely no chance of making a life together, I am missing her, with dopamine or without.

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you

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