Friday, June 30, 2017

I don't expect anything from anyone

Life did not intend to make us perfect. Whoever is perfect belongs in a museum. 
- Erich Maria Remarque

The 1st of July, 2017. I am on mini-vacation. Tomorrow I am off the work, then comes weekend, and then Monday is holiday in Canada. Happy Canada Day! Canada celebrates 150 years of existence. Good for you Canada. As far I am concerned I am celebrating 4 years of my divorce. It is a quite anniversary for me.

Writing a blog is amazing, and I’m as addicted to it as you are reading it. Putting my personal views and life on the display (privacy, what privacy?) creates the illusion of connection with you. So if you feel you want to say something to me, although my blog does not have comments, my email is on the end of this page. Be free to contact me.

Yes, on this way via blog, I am able to communicate with hundreds of people with ease. Nevertheless, I am not writing here all things that I want to for the simple reason I am not allowed to. I especially think about my girlfriend. She told me not to mention her in my posts ever. I don't like it, it's not quite fair because I'm omitting writing about a great deal of my daily life.

For the record, this post isn’t meant to be a pessimistic rant about how tough life is. I'm writing a reminder of what I need to change, no matter how much I believe I have my shit together. I’m willing to be a blunt bastard that tells everything like it is and tries to act accordingly.

I don't have comments on my blog due to simple reason I don't really give a shit of what your opinion is. Don't be offended, it is nothing personal. I don't care anymore if you agree with me and much less if you don't. From my perspective, the whole world revolves around me, but there are billions of you who see it the same way.

I am not selfish, I used to be far more concerned with how I'm perceived by you than how I perceive you. The truth is that you don't think about me at all, so I'm going to change my thirst for your approval. The ugliest truth is that I valued your opinion of me more than my own. I've spent a large part of my life doing things in the hope of getting you to like me. In chasing your approval, I did things I didn’t want to, I become something what I am not.

Shit happens. And it really sucks to have to go through and deal with whatever it's pissing me off. I used to wait and hope that somehow a shitty situation would magically resolve itself. I thought that if I waited long enough, I would suddenly understand it's meaning, things will become better and I'll write a post about it.

I finally understood that waiting and hoping for something good to happen would never bring me any satisfaction. Notice that the word satisfaction ends with action. Action is the formula that changes things. This week I have done 5 yoga practices and I have gone to gym 3 times. The result of my increased physical practice is obvious. I have lost 3 kg (7 pounds) in the last month. Not that it matters at all, but I just mention it.

On the bottom of this page also I have the StatCounter, an invisible javascript gadget, which records your visits to my blog. It generates statistics. The largest number of clicks have the posts about my daily life, ashtanga yoga posts have received reasonably good attention while posts about awakening are the least visited. It should be the other way around.

So many of you come to this blog, mostly you read only one article. Well, I don't write according to your expectations. English is not my mother's language but I try to write in a direct way. My ideas are based on simple truth - everything is FAKE. In the beginning people like what they read but couple posts later they change their mind. Whatever.

You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book... or you take a trip... and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all.

It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.

- The Diary of Anaïs Nin

I'm 52. I have no time to be afraid anymore. I don't want anything from you. Writing about awakening I'm fulfilling my part on this planet. In nutshell, the Earth is a gigantic chicken coop, run by few families greedy for power and prestige. I am just a slave living my pity life.

My slavery is forced taxation, where my work income is automatically taken out before I ever see it, regardless of whether or not I approve of how the money is spent. I lend money to corrupt politicians influenced by corrupt ideologies. I work hard just to pay bills; doing so, I have lost the best years of my life.

Things are bad enough. The meditative state is the worse. There are numerous self-proclaimed lunatics, so called saints, prophets and saviors who wish to serve this world. Spirituality is a romantic stuff. The Path!!! Search for truth. The Way... all is romantic bullshit.

I deny the validity of the spiritual search entirely. I don't believe in spirituality, Mickey Mouse, Disneyland, Kim Kardashian and Celine Dion. (Btw. who listen Celine Dion anyway?). You imagine you are following the Path, growing, improving, and just like a businessman, you want result... the return on investment.

I don't follow any path and I don't expect anything from anyone.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

4 Year Divorce Anniversary

Divorce... Does it sound terrifying? Nope, ladies and gents. Divorce is a really cool thing that lets you be the one you want to be again.

I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it. - Louis C.K.

We don't have a future together.

It was Sunday, June the 30th 2013, after 22 years of being married, my wife spoke out and informed me, with the bone-chilling realization, that our marriage wasn’t going to work out.

"We don't have a future together" she told me on that day when I asked what bothers her. I knew that our relationship is not the best one. She was nervous and bitter for days so it all ended that Sunday.

When I heard those words I was not so surprised. I asked her is she serious and I told her to check her heart and see does she love me. She said, NO, things have changed. I got up then and took my bed to yoga room. I moved out in two weeks and I started to live the life of divorcee.

My first month after splitting up was all about grief and mourning for hopes and dreams that can never be fulfilled, shock and bewilderment, guilt, regret, and remorse, sympathy and antipathy... in one word - devastation.

This is my life, I thought. But it was not anymore.

Maybe you're thinking that I, as an awakened being, am supposed to be a sterling example of composure and serenity, a person of exquisite poise and understated elegance radiating love and compassion. Maybe you're thinking I should transcendent daily life annoyances, that I am the who lives untouched by the petty challenges of daily life.

Far from that. My state of inner harmony was disturbed. The separation rocked the very foundation of my existence, leaving me feeling lonely, flawed, enraged, undesirable, hopeless and empty.

I just wanted to forget her and move on into a new life. I was going through a protracted meltdown that has uprooted me from my daily life. In August I went back home and somehow I was feeling better.

It is impossible to stay a friend with ex.

Now, I remember our marriage as essentially a marriage of two strangers, we were together 22 years while each of us remained utterly alone, pervaded by the deep sense of insecurity, anxiety and guilt.

After the separation, I wanted to be a friend with her but she refused any contact. I have realized that she has planned divorce a long time before she actually expressed her feelings. I do regret the time spent with her, I regret being ever married to her.

Anyway, I don't want to sound pathetic, much less nostalgic. It is 4 year anniversary so I find it necessary to see things as they were. No imagination or wishful thinking. It is true, we didn't have a future together.

I discovered that divorce isn't such a tragedy. 

Suddenly, there were no locks keeping me chained in my seat in the marriage boredom. I was enslaved by my own fear and ignorance and suddenly I was free. I just marched myself into this damned idiotic, impossible boring, married life without ever stopping to think about what I was doing. Now that was over.

Divorce is not a tragedy, a tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage and dreaming something else. In my marriage from outside everything looked fine and polished but the melancholy and apathy was my reality.

On June 30, 2013, all that came to the end. So be it.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

My Beautiful World !

My daughter

My twin sister

the closest family

My friends

My cousins

My condo in Toronto

The house back home

I don’t have the answers, about yoga, divorce, dating, losing belly or why are women over 45 losing interest for sex... and I get irritated when I read other people putting themselves out there as self-help gurus, therapists, or doctors.

I have learned one thing, daily practice of ashtanga yoga is what counts. I have started practicing yoga in May 2006. At present I am not going to yoga studios I maintain home practice only.

I am 52 years old, male, former basketball player... I cannot sit in a lotus pose, my body is not flexible. Couple years ago, I teared MCL on the left knee, the right knee is not any better... but regardless of age, flexibility and injuries I practice half primary ashtanga yoga almost every day...

I have learned the Primary Series by heart and I practice it by myself in my own tempo and without instructions from a teacher.I do that alone at home, my attention is turned out inwards, on the sense of I AM, hence there is a meditative aspect of my daily practice .

The goal of my practice is to complete Primary Series, but this will never happen. Anyway, daily practice is a very good exercise in self-awareness. Where am I today? How far can I go? At what point is my mind shutting down and why? Can I do one more pose? Is it enough for today?

The daily result of Ashtanga yoga is realizing what I can do or what I cannot (yet) do. It helps me find where my strengths lie and what my weaknesses are. In this practice, I learn about myself and this develops my awareness.

So I stay away from teachers who pushes me to things I am not ready for. And stay away from my lazy ego that tells me I should not go on the mat. I practice what I can and that is enough...

Monday, June 26, 2017

Oh sweet bitterness

In my Hallucination
I saw my Beloved's flower garden...

In my vertigo, in my dizziness
In my drunken haze
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel
I saw myself as the Source of Existence

I was there in the beginning
And I was the Spirit of Love

Now I am sober
There is only the hangover
And the memory of Love
And only the sorrow

I yearn for Happiness
I ask for help
I want mercy
And my Love says:

Look at me and hear me
Because I am here
Just for that

I am your moon and your moonlight too
I am your flower garden and your water too
I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To Love you
To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness
I will soothe you and Heal you
I will bring you roses
I, too, have been covered with thorns.

~ Rumi