Friday, June 30, 2017

I don't expect anything from anyone

Life did not intend to make us perfect. Whoever is perfect belongs in a museum. 
- Erich Maria Remarque

The 1st of July, 2017. I am on mini-vacation. Tomorrow I am off the work, then comes weekend, and then Monday is holiday in Canada. Happy Canada Day! Canada celebrates 150 years of existence. Good for you Canada. As far I am concerned I am celebrating 4 years of my divorce. It is a quite anniversary for me.

Writing a blog is amazing, and I’m as addicted to it as you are reading it. Putting my personal views and life on the display (privacy, what privacy?) creates the illusion of connection with you. So if you feel you want to say something to me, although my blog does not have comments, my email is on the end of this page. Be free to contact me.

Yes, on this way via blog, I am able to communicate with hundreds of people with ease. Nevertheless, I am not writing here all things that I want to for the simple reason I am not allowed to. I especially think about my girlfriend. She told me not to mention her in my posts ever. I don't like it, it's not quite fair because I'm omitting writing about a great deal of my daily life.

For the record, this post isn’t meant to be a pessimistic rant about how tough life is. I'm writing a reminder of what I need to change, no matter how much I believe I have my shit together. I’m willing to be a blunt bastard that tells everything like it is and tries to act accordingly.

I don't have comments on my blog due to simple reason I don't really give a shit of what your opinion is. Don't be offended, it is nothing personal. I don't care anymore if you agree with me and much less if you don't. From my perspective, the whole world revolves around me, but there are billions of you who see it the same way.

I am not selfish, I used to be far more concerned with how I'm perceived by you than how I perceive you. The truth is that you don't think about me at all, so I'm going to change my thirst for your approval. The ugliest truth is that I valued your opinion of me more than my own. I've spent a large part of my life doing things in the hope of getting you to like me. In chasing your approval, I did things I didn’t want to, I become something what I am not.

Shit happens. And it really sucks to have to go through and deal with whatever it's pissing me off. I used to wait and hope that somehow a shitty situation would magically resolve itself. I thought that if I waited long enough, I would suddenly understand it's meaning, things will become better and I'll write a post about it.

I finally understood that waiting and hoping for something good to happen would never bring me any satisfaction. Notice that the word satisfaction ends with action. Action is the formula that changes things. This week I have done 5 yoga practices and I have gone to gym 3 times. The result of my increased physical practice is obvious. I have lost 3 kg (7 pounds) in the last month. Not that it matters at all, but I just mention it.

On the bottom of this page also I have the StatCounter, an invisible javascript gadget, which records your visits to my blog. It generates statistics. The largest number of clicks have the posts about my daily life, ashtanga yoga posts have received reasonably good attention while posts about awakening are the least visited. It should be the other way around.

So many of you come to this blog, mostly you read only one article. Well, I don't write according to your expectations. English is not my mother's language but I try to write in a direct way. My ideas are based on simple truth - everything is FAKE. In the beginning people like what they read but couple posts later they change their mind. Whatever.

You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book... or you take a trip... and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all.

It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.

- The Diary of Anaïs Nin

I'm 52. I have no time to be afraid anymore. I don't want anything from you. Writing about awakening I'm fulfilling my part on this planet. In nutshell, the Earth is a gigantic chicken coop, run by few families greedy for power and prestige. I am just a slave living my pity life.

My slavery is forced taxation, where my work income is automatically taken out before I ever see it, regardless of whether or not I approve of how the money is spent. I lend money to corrupt politicians influenced by corrupt ideologies. I work hard just to pay bills; doing so, I have lost the best years of my life.

Things are bad enough. The meditative state is the worse. There are numerous self-proclaimed lunatics, so called saints, prophets and saviors who wish to serve this world. Spirituality is a romantic stuff. The Path!!! Search for truth. The Way... all is romantic bullshit.

I deny the validity of the spiritual search entirely. I don't believe in spirituality, Mickey Mouse, Disneyland, Kim Kardashian and Celine Dion. (Btw. who listen Celine Dion anyway?). You imagine you are following the Path, growing, improving, and just like a businessman, you want result... the return on investment.

I don't follow any path and I don't expect anything from anyone.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

4 Year Divorce Anniversary

Divorce... Does it sound terrifying? Nope, ladies and gents. Divorce is a really cool thing that lets you be the one you want to be again.

I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it. - Louis C.K.

We don't have a future together.

It was Sunday, June the 30th 2013, after 22 years of being married, my wife spoke out and informed me, with the bone-chilling realization, that our marriage wasn’t going to work out.

"We don't have a future together" she told me on that day when I asked what bothers her. I knew that our relationship is not the best one. She was nervous and bitter for days so it all ended that Sunday.

When I heard those words I was not so surprised. I asked her is she serious and I told her to check her heart and see does she love me. She said, NO, things have changed. I got up then and took my bed to yoga room. I moved out in two weeks and I started to live the life of divorcee.

My first month after splitting up was all about grief and mourning for hopes and dreams that can never be fulfilled, shock and bewilderment, guilt, regret, and remorse, sympathy and antipathy... in one word - devastation.

This is my life, I thought. But it was not anymore.

Maybe you're thinking that I, as an awakened being, am supposed to be a sterling example of composure and serenity, a person of exquisite poise and understated elegance radiating love and compassion. Maybe you're thinking I should transcendent daily life annoyances, that I am the who lives untouched by the petty challenges of daily life.

Far from that. My state of inner harmony was disturbed. The separation rocked the very foundation of my existence, leaving me feeling lonely, flawed, enraged, undesirable, hopeless and empty.

I just wanted to forget her and move on into a new life. I was going through a protracted meltdown that has uprooted me from my daily life. In August I went back home and somehow I was feeling better.

It is impossible to stay a friend with ex.

Now, I remember our marriage as essentially a marriage of two strangers, we were together 22 years while each of us remained utterly alone, pervaded by the deep sense of insecurity, anxiety and guilt.

After the separation, I wanted to be a friend with her but she refused any contact. I have realized that she has planned divorce a long time before she actually expressed her feelings. I do regret the time spent with her, I regret being ever married to her.

Anyway, I don't want to sound pathetic, much less nostalgic. It is 4 year anniversary so I find it necessary to see things as they were. No imagination or wishful thinking. It is true, we didn't have a future together.

I discovered that divorce isn't such a tragedy. 

Suddenly, there were no locks keeping me chained in my seat in the marriage boredom. I was enslaved by my own fear and ignorance and suddenly I was free. I just marched myself into this damned idiotic, impossible boring, married life without ever stopping to think about what I was doing. Now that was over.

Divorce is not a tragedy, a tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage and dreaming something else. In my marriage from outside everything looked fine and polished but the melancholy and apathy was my reality.

On June 30, 2013, all that came to the end. So be it.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

My Beautiful World !

My daughter

My twin sister

the closest family

My friends

My cousins

My condo in Toronto

The house back home

I don’t have the answers, about yoga, divorce, dating, losing belly or why are women over 45 losing interest for sex... and I get irritated when I read other people putting themselves out there as self-help gurus, therapists, or doctors.

I have learned one thing, daily practice of ashtanga yoga is what counts. I have started practicing yoga in May 2006. At present I am not going to yoga studios I maintain home practice only.

I am 52 years old, male, former basketball player... I cannot sit in a lotus pose, my body is not flexible. Couple years ago, I teared MCL on the left knee, the right knee is not any better... but regardless of age, flexibility and injuries I practice half primary ashtanga yoga almost every day...

I have learned the Primary Series by heart and I practice it by myself in my own tempo and without instructions from a teacher.I do that alone at home, my attention is turned out inwards, on the sense of I AM, hence there is a meditative aspect of my daily practice .

The goal of my practice is to complete Primary Series, but this will never happen. Anyway, daily practice is a very good exercise in self-awareness. Where am I today? How far can I go? At what point is my mind shutting down and why? Can I do one more pose? Is it enough for today?

The daily result of Ashtanga yoga is realizing what I can do or what I cannot (yet) do. It helps me find where my strengths lie and what my weaknesses are. In this practice, I learn about myself and this develops my awareness.

So I stay away from teachers who pushes me to things I am not ready for. And stay away from my lazy ego that tells me I should not go on the mat. I practice what I can and that is enough...

Monday, June 26, 2017

Oh sweet bitterness

In my Hallucination
I saw my Beloved's flower garden...

In my vertigo, in my dizziness
In my drunken haze
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel
I saw myself as the Source of Existence

I was there in the beginning
And I was the Spirit of Love

Now I am sober
There is only the hangover
And the memory of Love
And only the sorrow

I yearn for Happiness
I ask for help
I want mercy
And my Love says:

Look at me and hear me
Because I am here
Just for that

I am your moon and your moonlight too
I am your flower garden and your water too
I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To Love you
To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness
I will soothe you and Heal you
I will bring you roses
I, too, have been covered with thorns.

~ Rumi

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Planning for Summer Vacation

...gym and yoga and more yoga, weight watch, travel and a good time!

Time has come to start taking close look at my physical appearance. At present I weight 87.2 kg (192 pounds). I am 191cm (6'3') tall and my ideal weight is around 85 kg (187 pounds). I want to lose 2 kg in next week and I have to do it by eating less and exercising more.

Last year at this time, a day before the vacation, I stepped on the scale and it’s all good. 84.6 kg (186 pounds). After two weeks, I started panicking because I've gained 4 kg (9 pounds) on my vacation. I did everything wrong: eat to much, drink too much, no exercise in the last week, did not drink water... So I am planning to be very careful what I eat in next 4 weeks.

Nice weekend in Toronto and I am alone as usually but I don't mind it. My vacation is coming and I am going back home on August 3rd. I am returning back on August 20th. I am glad to see my father and sister and spend time with my niece and nephew. I have to go for a wedding and I am looking forward meeting my family.

Back home I will buy shoes, couple shirts and pants. I want to refresh my wardrobe. The stores are close to each other, the prices are lower than in Canada and the quality is much better. So I am going on a shopping spree over there.

Financially I am good. I have budget of $4000 for my vacation. I will cover my travel expenses without going into debt, which is an excellent thing. I still have a credit for Hilton Hotel at Niagara Falls and I will use it before going to vacation. The first part of July will be about working hard to get in the shape and the end of July will be interesting. Then comes my vacation.

I may go to Mexico in September. I am looking for a cheap hotel and asking my friends to join me. I don't want to go alone. If anyone of them wants to go with me I will go for 7-10 days there. I did not touch my vacation days in this year and I would like to use it. I am not a fan of using vacation in winter time, just staying at my apartment watching snow and freezing rain.

Going out now for a long walk at High Park...

Friday, June 23, 2017

Maybe you wonder where you are

I don't know about you, but on this road, I do wonder where I am... The road has led me to this very moment in time. I arrived to a place where I am okay with the truth. And the truth is simple... but terrifying.

You live with the mistaken identity. You are in deep shit, just like robot; programmed by the society. So routinary, so weak...  You create your own reality, but you lack the energy to understand that. You're too busy thinking how wonderful you are, how sensitive, how unique.

You are not unique!

The scenarios of your life have already been written. You just play the roles...You may know this but you don't care. Fuck it, that's how you live! In a deep warm shit. You find it's nice and warm in this shit. You don't want to leave, you hate the unknown. And you worry, oooh, how you worry, twenty-six hours a day! And what do you worry about?... About you! What about you? What's in this shit for you? What's gonna happen to you?

Such egomania! So horrendous. But fascinating!

You, you, you... it is all about you... but the sense of "I" does not reside in any particular part of the body. "I" is not in the body, neither as tenant nor as its owner. Identification with the body called "you", is a belief, conviction, nothing else.

Once "you" is accepted, it creates birth and death, greed, desire, hatred, craving and self-importance. And that's where you are... You are here and now; slaves of your fears; under the sway of imagination, concepts, desires and doubts.

What are you really on our journey of awareness? Your quest is the quest of becoming an energy aware of itself without an organism free from the impositions of socialization, free from "you".

This is the Earth! This is where you live.

And this is your neighborhood, the solar system.

The Earth and the moon. Doesn’t look too far, does it?

Inside that distance you can fit every planet in our solar system, 
nice and neatly

But that’s nothing compared to our sun. Just see.

There are suns much, much bigger than little sun. 
Just look at how tiny and insignificant our sun is.

Milky Way galaxy is huge. This is where we live.

But this is all we ever see.

Our galaxy is a little runt compared with some others. 

But that’s nothing. There are more stars in space 
than there are grains of sand on every beach on Earth.

Happy journey 💗

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Take a loan and learn Ashtanga Yoga, seriously

Well hello, Ashtanga world;

I'm not going to visit Mysore to practice ashtanga yoga there. I am not an ashtanga yoga teacher, I am just a little yoga man. People who visit Mysore are yoga studio owners, wannabe yoga teachers, the former dancers with 200 hours of teachers training program. They come to Mysore to take a photo with Sharath...

It makes me sad to read and hear all bullshit about ashtanga yoga teachers and their saintness or whatnot. I may have deep respect to their yoga practice but nothing other than that.

Paramaguru Sharath’s words in Miami last year, "follow where your Guru is walking", really got me thinking.

When I'm ready for Maryachasana C, Sharath will appear. Good morning, Zee; - It has been brought to my attention that you have reached the point where you can do Mary C and I'm here to allow you to do it... Ha! It is so nice, isn't it?

Oh yes, you may say it is my ego that is talking...

Really guys, where to follow Sharath, Tim or Kino or any other ashtanga celebrity?

Ashtanga yoga is hilarious. In fact, it is the best joke most of us will never quite get. It’s the funniest thing I have encountered, can you learn ashtanga in a month? Apparently, you can for something less than $5000 and a little bit of tradition...

Our philosophy is based in tradition. The subject of yoga is vast and worthy of a lifetime of learning. An established personal practice is the most important foundation for the yogi’s journey. You will join a comprehensive program aimed at preparing you for a journey into the dimension of Ashtanga Yoga – as a life style, a world view and potentially a profession...

You will be established in daily practice and technique for the principle postures of the Ashtanga Yoga Primary Series. You will learn classic yogic breathing techniques, the traditional method of Sanskrit Vinyasas counting and fundamental applied anatomy. You will study classic Yoga Philosophy as per Patanjali and learn safe hands-on adjustments of key postures from the Primary Series of Ashtanga Yoga.

Start Date: July 5, 2017
End Date: August 4, 2017 Final morning class. Graduation Afternoon Ceremony.
Tuition: $4250. A $850 non-refundable deposit is required on acceptance into the program. (Final payment due by May 31, 2017. A payment plan may be available upon request.)

- Miami Life Center

I have realized that it is important not to give my authority over any so-called Guru.

I admit I have never been truly open to the guidance of a teacher. I'm simply not born to be led. You see, no one can tell me what my physical body can do... in ashtanga there are no shortcuts, I tried it and I broke MCL on right knee and had all kinds of other injuries... it does not work that way.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Going to bed at 9 pm !!!

I had a wonderful weekend. I enjoyed every moment of it. What can I say, my life is full of wonder and happy moments. This weekend I will remember, I cannot write about it because I promised not to, anyway, I am happy and I have an enormous enthusiasm to stick to my daily routines, to be more active, smoke and drink less, eat healthy... finally it is a summer time.

If I don't purposefully make decision to improve my daily life, my time will get lost in the randomness and busyness. People are too focused on the trivial and nonessential, I need to get back to the basics and only focus on what's important.

Sleep is very important for me. Without proper sleep I am tired, sleepy and in a bad mood. The truth is, there’s no much point in waking up at 6 am if I went to bed 4 hours earlier. The adequate sleep is a prerequisite for all others routines.

Most social things happened in the evenings, and the nights out actually never start until 9 pm. I use to follow the crowd and do the same. In order to do this I needed to use something to keep me awake, such as drinking two cups of coffee. However, I found that I am struggling to stay awake, even with coffee.

Ever since I started practicing yoga, 11 years ago, I get sleepy by mid-evening. Most people fall asleep on the couch around 9 pm. I hear my friends said they fell asleep around that time too, yet they would continue their evenings until 11 pm or maybe later.

It is a strange feeling for me to be awake and not to go to bed because it is early in the night. The push to stay up make me feel constantly on edge, and by the time I get to bed I would be tired and so often hungry that I needed to eat something to put me to sleep. But this set me in a constant daily cycle of sleeping restlessly and feeling exhausted when I awoke.

I am living alone and I am my own boss. Really. I read on the net that the most natural sleep rhythm for our bodies is to be in bed by 9 pm, this being the time when our body is able to rest and gain optimum healing during the night. I realized I'm not the one who is abnormal, as there is a natural truth in our biological make up whereby being in bed by 9 pm is normal.

I allow myself to go out of my routine during weekends. It is okay. But on weekdays I absolutely like being in bed by 9 pm, and I like taking the time early in the evening to go into a peaceful phase prior to going to bed. I usually read a book before falling to sleep. I love the mornings, 5 am or 6 am. I like quiet time, watching sun rising, actually feeling the new day beginning before all of the usual daily traffic sounds.

I want to increase physical activities and go to gym regularly - daily yoga practice in the morning and the gym after the work. Starting tomorrow I am introducing cold shower after yoga practice. It will be challenging but refreshing.

Friday, June 16, 2017

My Daughter is a Great Girl

Yesterday was a special day for me. My daughter graduated from Ryerson University in Business Management. I am proud of her and her accomplishment. I met my ex after almost 3 years. We were together like a family with our daughter and after the graduation party we went for a dinner.

What to say? Mixed feeling of happiness and sadness. I am happy for my daughter, she is a great girl. Now it is time to start searching for a job and I will help you as much as I can. Sadness comes from the fact that we are a broken family. I don't have contact with my ex and I will probably see her on my daughter's wedding...

It is Friday, the middle of June, and at present time I am on a crossroad. I am not sure what way to go. My yoga practice is the only steady thing that goes on.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

I want a girlfriend...

Life is not scary, or bad, or a curse, or any other bullshit thing that people make it out to be. My life is a my creation, it is a product of my INTENT. The only real question is What do I really want?

I want a girlfriend. 

I want a girlfriend instead of casual dates that make me feel horrible about myself. I want a girlfriend besides me to hug and kiss instead of waking up next to a strange woman who thinks I'm just another moron in her life, I want a girlfriend which will not force me to be someone that I am not.

I want a girlfriend who doesn't just say she will show up but actually come excited to see me. I am tired from the "I love you too" distance and the business like kisses and cold hugs.

I want a girlfriend who talks about me to their friends. I am setting intent to find a woman who is proud to say my name and to show me off because anything less than that is bullshit.

I want a girlfriend who can't wait to see me but not in an overbearing pushy, controlling manner but in an “I care about you” manner because yes, there is a difference between the two. And no, being with someone who controls me is not cool.

I want a girlfriend I actually want to spend free time without need to convince myself that I like her or worse – someone I have to convince to like me. I don't need her for whose attention I have to beg for. If she likes me, I will know otherwise it’s time to let her go and focus more on myself.

I want girlfriend who misses me when I'm not around, not someone who forgets I exist on the weekdays unless she's bored and lonely. I want a girlfriend who actually gives a shit about the way I feel. Not someone who says “oh well, that is for teenagers” and just expects me to get over it.

I want a girlfriend who is proud of me, who inspires me, who wants me to be better and wants to help me get there. I want to find her who erases my insecurities and makes me proud of having her. I want a girlfriend who wants to hold my hand while we waking and who actually gives a shit about that.

So many people settle for bullshit relationships – I am not the one of those. Love is the one thing I never, ever play with it. I want a girlfriend who wants the same as me.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Quiet Weekend and Some Important Decisions

I try writing posts without telling you much about my personal life although I say a lot. I am not an expert in anything so I have no advice for you, nothing to suggest you or recommend you. I am an observer in this dream we call life. You may read this or not it does not matter.

My ex called me couple days ago and she told me that our mutual friend have discovered that she has the late stage breast cancer. Doctors told her if kino therapy succeeds, she can expect to have five years to live. I cried when I heard the news.

What now? How do you live with such knowledge? Obviously, all trivialities are gone when the death is approaching fast. Life suddenly becomes clear, really clear. She must immediately leap into action to remove all stress factors in her life, avoiding anything that would stimulate stress release of free radicals.

She needs the services of a good therapist. Depression and/or anxiety and panic might strike very easily and she needs to have someone's help in dealing with whatever feelings she's likely to experience.

I had a quiet weekend. Yesterday afternoon I went for a walk in High Park. I had a lot of things to think about. I wanted to clear certain things from my mind and to make some important decisions. So I did it. Then I went for BBQ at my friends place.

Life goes on. I don't want much drama in my life. I have decided to be alone for next six months. I am focusing on other things besides relationships - my yoga practice, my health, learning how to get through life with ease. I live in a time where great anxiety builds up over everything. Right now, being alone feels like the simplest choice I can make.

I have to realize and understand that my feelings do not have to depend on someone else’s presence. I was called "a needy" person and I want to change that. I want to be happy alone first, and love myself. Being single grants me the time and freedom to discover whatever I want on my own schedule and allows me to put my desires, and ambitions above all others.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

And they lived happily ever after...

Last night I went to bed at 9:45 p.m. It was Friday night and I made plans to go out with my friends but I cancel it in the last moment. I don't regret my decision, I fall asleep in 10 minutes or so. I had such a nice day and I was tired from a long walk in High Park and my yoga practice, who I did even it was a full moon day.

Before sleep, I watched on Netflix very interesting movie Silver Linings. I love it. Being bipolar myself I can identify with those crazy characters. The movie is a drama, romantic comedy, the plot and the ending are surprising and the actors: Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert De Niro are fabulous. I recommend you to watch it.

As a every romantic movie it finishes with "...and they live happily ever after". I can tell you that is not a case, after longer time with your partner which you love, at the same time, you'll find her downright annoying. Being a woman is the problem.

To be married or to be in a long-term relationship, unfortunately, you must forget every romantic movie you have ever seen and accept the fact that you are with someone who knows all of your flaws and who will sometimes point them out to you.

A woman tends to tell you everything about everything. And she wants to know everything about you, too. She will drain all of your energy leaving nothing left for romance. Not to mention, she will kill the mystery. Simply she is making mistake putting you in the same category as her girlfriends.

Is this what all long term relationships are all about? Deeper communication! She will talk when she’s nervous, talk when she’s scared, talk when she’s bored and talk when she’s lonely. And the talking won’t stop. It might be cute in the beginning, but as a men, we need silence sometimes.

Communication is key in any relationship, but not everything has to be revealed. The romantic comedies are just like a fairy tales, but even when you have learned there are no such thing as happy ending, many of you still believe in the idea that once you meet the love of your life, you will remain forever or else it doesn’t count.

9 of 10 of all relationships are not going to last. Relationships have a definitive end date. You change and others in your life change too. Rather than seeing it as lost of time let give it a purpose. I think most of relationship served its purpose, and then went away.

And, they lived happily ever after...

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Sexual attraction awaken your being

There are two quite different approaches towards life. The first one is that all happened by accident and there is no meaning in anything. The second one is that nothing happens by chance, every single meeting and encounter serves some greater purpose.

The former is not so interesting, it does not give you any room for speculation and belief. All is random without meaning. The latest is more interesting because it leads you to believe that you need people to wake you up and help change something in your life. You need other people to uplift you and remind you who you are.

Ironically, you are not meant to know the purpose of every person you meet in this life, but you are meant to remain open to whatever each encounter will reveal. You are meant to interact with other people and let them in your life so your mind begins to shift.

Sexual encounters are the most important and it is then that you start to truly believe that every single thing that happens does so for a reason. It is so obvious that while laying naked you are most open towards your lover; sometimes, those steamy meetings come in for just right moment in time. Perhaps to speed up your divorce 😉or anything what you need to do or just to delay you making not so good decision.

The attraction towards another person is the sign of the universe that you need a change. What makes you attracted to another will likely remain a mystery forever. While there is something of a science to the romantic and sexual partners you choose, at the end of the day, attraction is still completely unique to your individual makeup and preference.

...Until you kiss, and the kissing quickly turns into touching, and the touching turns into you devouring your lover’s body until the morning sunlight broke through the dark nighttime sky.

Sexual attraction awaken your being, like a drug, and you are bound to share your most intimate secrets and... it means something. Before you know it, you end up laying together in bed for four hours, talking, exchanging secrets, changing your directions.

In life, there is a constant struggle with growing away from yourself. You are amazing being filled with joy and creativity, and somewhere along the way, you forget what you used to believe in magic. You became a responsible adult and you forget you were truly born to be free. This isn’t about how much money you make, or even what kind of job you hold down, it’s about loving yourself and having an inner feeling of freedom.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

All is good

...shanti, shanti, shanti. Greetings my friends. It is wonderful to write new post on this beautiful Wednesday. It's all good. Everything is as it should. There are no mistakes. Everything is in its right place. I have no thoughts and my heart is filled with joy...

Why did you come here and read these posts? You could have gone swimming, running, you could be watching TV, but something motivated you to come here on this blog, what? Ask yourself.

There is a mysterious power that motivates you to do what you do. You are motivated to go to to the theater or strip club. You are motivated to go to watch movies. Your are motivated to go to church or spiritual gatherings, what causes this? Who makes this happen?

So I would have to say that you have found here something that is of interest to you. It's your understanding that motivates you to come here or to go somewhere else. When you come to read my blog you can be rest assured that you have been working on yourself. Remember this blog is not a church and there are no teachings here, this is just and honest confession of reality.

All of the things that you are interested in, all of your fears, all of your frustrations, goods and bads, all of your happiness and sadness, it's all here. I am describing a dream, my dream and the more you read it, the more you see that I am talking about you.

Just imagine how peaceful you feel when your mind stops thinking, stops trying to change conditions, stops trying to get even, to fight for your rights. What rights? You have no rights. As a person you have rights, and you always will have to fight for them, for it will appear that someone is trying to take them away, but in reality there are no rights. There is nothing to stand up for.

Well what are you then, nothing? No, emptiness is not nothing. It is called emptiness because it means nothing exists as it appears. But there is something, a mysterious love, compassion, peace, happiness and joy of simple existence. Yet those words are meaningless. They do not give you for it is much more behind that. You have to experience it to understand it.

With that said, being our own love generator leads to one amazing thing: freedom.

And freedom means we are not dependent upon another for love.

Freedom means you can stop obsessing about why your lover does not give you what you think you need.

Freedom means I can stop ending relationships because she does not love me the way I think I want to be loved.

Freedom means I can start appreciating the love that she does give me, instead of the fantasy love I think I need in order to be fulfilled.

And, most importantly, being our own source of love means we can start looking within for our self-worth instead of hitching it to the love of another.  

- Todd Schuett 

Monday, June 5, 2017

That was then, this is now...

If you are old enough like me, divorced, living alone, well, you are bound to have all kind of experiences in personal relationships. My love-life is like enormous rollo-coaster, my emotions go up and down swirling left and right. But today, just for a moment, I'm stepping out of all that; I'm standing on the ground with clear mind looking at the insane stupidities.

It is a consequence of 16 years of spiritual practices that I can do an honest introspection and see very clearly things as they are...

I am very naive person who trust others. Some my friends use my openness, go up front trying to hurt me. It is okay, I am not angry at all. What is really worth it will last regardless of their shitty behaviour. The shit is even welcomed, it clears doubts.

I want to have relationship with a woman who will love me like I love her. I will not settle for less than that.

To have just sex and to be a friend with benefits is not what I am interested. Not anymore! After divorce, in four years, I have had relationship with more than 20 women: Liliya, Barbara, Aya, Pina, Bernadette, Lorena, Maja, Jenny, Patricia, Inna, Dyanna, Felicia, Lin, Aurora... I have intentionally omitted some and I apologize to others but I don't remember their names.

I was married for 22 years. I can say I was a faithful husband, I loved my ex. After divorce I have lost trust in relationships and I was not so sure that I can ever love again. Only what I wanted is to have sex and be free. That was then, now I want to settle down, I want a quiet, boring life, being with a woman I can trust spending my days with love, cuddling and watching junk on Netflix, until I get old.

Do I ask for much? Where can I find such woman? I was on for 3 years and I can freely say there is not love to be found there. Sex, yes, you can find it but love no. The women over 40, divorced single mothers, are difficult beings to handle for a longer period of time. They will suck you in their everyday bullshit so effectively so you will find yourself not knowing what to do. They'll control their emotions and play with yours so you never know where are you standing in their life. They will drain your last penny for dinners and going out. Know that they'll not pay for anything, oh well, they do have kids to take care of...

I don't want to sound dark and pessimistic much less a cynic. I am happy, 52 years old, handsome guy in the quest of finding the true love of my life. It is almost impossible mission. I wrote the post that people can love 3 times in their lifetime. That was then, this is now... I need a space for figuring out this shit.

I could have avoided all this if I would have more honest with myself. Compromise is required in any relationship because we are all in different stage of our life and we have different wants. But compromise is not a good thing if there is no deeper connection. If my wishes are not heard and there is no effort to make things better then it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship and decide if it really is healthy for me to be a part of it.

It is a great probability that on the end of all my endeavours I will end up being alone. That is not something to be concerned about, it is a natural thing. I will end up alone, lonely, but strong in my solitude wholly connected to my sense of being, still learning, being open and giving, until I leave this shitty place.

Things do change but I still do my yoga. In 156 days of this year I've done 81 practices. Not bad. I am strong and healthy and I believe in myself. Universe will give me whatever I want, it has not other choice, this is how it operates.

Friday, June 2, 2017

The rise and fall of Bikram, a famous hot yoga guru

Bikram Choudhury was born on February 10, 1944 in Calcuta, India. He is a yoga teacher and the founder of Bikram Yoga, a form of hot yoga performed in a series of 26 hatha yoga postures done in a hot environment of 40 °C (104 °F).

This week, a Los Angeles judge signed off on an arrest warrant for him, because in 2016, he was ordered to pay millions following a harassment lawsuit by his former lawyer Minakshi Jafa-Bodden.

Jafa-Bodden accused him of sexually harassing her and then firing her after she began looking into claims by other women that he had sexually assaulted them. In 2016, jurors unanimously found Choudhury guilty, and concluded that he had acted with fraud, malice and oppression towards her.

Today, the yoga-guru is on the run, having reportedly fled the United States after the warrant issued for his arrest last week, with bail set at $8 million. The hot yoga famous guru has risen to great heights, only to fall so devastatingly low.

Bikram grew up on the poor streets of Calcutta, India, and at the age of three began to learn Hatha yoga poses. He began studying the practice more intensely at the age of five and as a teenager went on to win the National India Yoga Championship for three consecutive years.

After a weightlifting accident he develop precise 90-minute sequence of 26 yoga poses and two breathing exercises, which he used in combination with Calcutta’s daily heat, to heal himself.

Within six months, he was back on his feet, having completely regained his health and vitality. Confident in the healing power of his unique yoga system, Bikram was ready to offer his teaching to the world, and in process, make a lot of money.

He immigrated to the US in the early 1970s and established his first hot yoga studio in a Los Angeles. Very soon he open his second studio in Hawaii and in a short time it become success. Then he started building his empire spanning 720 yoga schools in 220 countries.

The world loved Bikram yoga, which was supported by celebrities such as George Harrison and Michael Jackson, George Clooney, Ashton Kutcher, Andy Murray, David Beckham and modern-day and Lady Gaga, to mention some.

His yoga empire also earned him a fortune. Some reports suggest he had worth as much as a $100 million. So when hot-yoga proved to be a successful business, competitors also sought out opportunities to profit from the yoga craze. Bikram reacted by claiming his yoga sequence was intellectual property and filing aggressive lawsuits against them, which ultimately proved futile. In 2015, a court ruled that yoga poses could not be copyrighted, nor competitors held liable for teaching it.

Bikram is/was an eccentric, charismatic yogi adored by hundreds of thousands of devoted enthusiasts, many were young women who considered him as a spiritual leader. He started offering his famous intensive teachers training, twice-yearly the courses to certify instructors wanting to teach Bikram Yoga, he had no shortage of students willing to pay him $15,000 for the privilege of sharing his sweat in a hot room for nine weeks.

But on those teachers training many students witnessed Bikram being openly narcissistic, dishonest, racist and sexist behaviors.  In fact, it was in Bikram’s teacher-training courses where some of the worst alleged conduct was said to have occurred. He is currently facing six separate legal suits in California courts, with accusations ranging from sexual advantage, gender violence, intention to rape etc but, no criminal charges have been brought against him.

Bikram has denied all those allegations however he was found guilty of wrongful termination, sexual harassment and breach of contract of his lawyer Jafa-Bodden. He has failed to pay her 7 millions, and the court has ordered that all income from his studio franchises be awarded to her.

Making Love vs F*cking

This morning I read an article on College Humor about differences between making love and f*cking. There is definitely a difference between making love and let’s just say, f*cking. Making love is all about the passion and intimate moments. The sensuality of it makes the experience beautiful and intensifies the chemistry between partners. Just doing the f*cking is the total opposite. It’s all about the bang and explosion at the end.

I laughed on the cartoons but in my dirtiest opinion, I think there is room for both f*cking and making love in my life. If I have a partner that I you can't f*ck and only we make love I think it is wrong.

A fulfilling sex life for me has a little of both, and it always alternate from "making love" sometimes to "f*cking" some other times. It's simply part of the life cycle of the healthy relationship.

Sex is a lot like going out to dinner: Sometimes you crave for a burger, other times you want a steak. It is up to your partner to channel whatever you're hungry for, whether it's slow and sensual sex, or do-me-now dirty.

The women in 40s, typically divorced or separated, are so caught up in society's expectation that they often disregard their own personal desire. They're too busy trying to decipher what is appropriate that they don't listen to what they actually want. Why put romantic sex and simple f*cking into judgments at all? 

Unfortunately, the society has not removed all the boundaries around sex, it still is a topic of controversy, with many of you still believing in the shameful stigma attached to it. There's nothing wrong with f*cking. Nobody going to think less of you or judge you. If you're feeling hot and you want it, then you should go for it.

Sex is NOT an exchange of goods, where women give it and men receive it. Simple f*cking shouldn't negatively impact long-term relationship. If so, then it is better to discover it sooner than later.