Monday, June 5, 2017

That was then, this is now...


If you are old enough like me, divorced, living alone, well, you are bound to have all kind of experiences in personal relationships. My love-life is like enormous rollo-coaster, my emotions go up and down swirling left and right. But today, just for a moment, I'm stepping out of all that; I'm standing on the ground with clear mind looking at the insane stupidities.

It is a consequence of 16 years of spiritual practices that I can do an honest introspection and see very clearly things as they are...

I am very naive person who trust others. Some my friends use my openness, go up front trying to hurt me. It is okay, I am not angry at all. What is really worth it will last regardless of their shitty behaviour. The shit is even welcomed, it clears doubts.

I want to have relationship with a woman who will love me like I love her. I will not settle for less than that.

To have just sex and to be a friend with benefits is not what I am interested. Not anymore! After divorce, in four years, I have had relationship with more than 20 women: Liliya, Barbara, Aya, Pina, Bernadette, Lorena, Maja, Jenny, Patricia, Inna, Dyanna, Felicia, Lin, Aurora... I have intentionally omitted some and I apologize to others but I don't remember their names.

I was married for 22 years. I can say I was a faithful husband, I loved my ex. After divorce I have lost trust in relationships and I was not so sure that I can ever love again. Only what I wanted is to have sex and be free. That was then, now I want to settle down, I want a quiet, boring life, being with a woman I can trust spending my days with love, cuddling and watching junk on Netflix, until I get old.

Do I ask for much? Where can I find such woman? I was on match.com for 3 years and I can freely say there is not love to be found there. Sex, yes, you can find it but love no. The women over 40, divorced single mothers, are difficult beings to handle for a longer period of time. They will suck you in their everyday bullshit so effectively so you will find yourself not knowing what to do. They'll control their emotions and play with yours so you never know where are you standing in their life. They will drain your last penny for dinners and going out. Know that they'll not pay for anything, oh well, they do have kids to take care of...

I don't want to sound dark and pessimistic much less a cynic. I am happy, 52 years old, handsome guy in the quest of finding the true love of my life. It is almost impossible mission. I wrote the post that people can love 3 times in their lifetime. That was then, this is now... I need a space for figuring out this shit.

I could have avoided all this if I would have more honest with myself. Compromise is required in any relationship because we are all in different stage of our life and we have different wants. But compromise is not a good thing if there is no deeper connection. If my wishes are not heard and there is no effort to make things better then it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship and decide if it really is healthy for me to be a part of it.

It is a great probability that on the end of all my endeavours I will end up being alone. That is not something to be concerned about, it is a natural thing. I will end up alone, lonely, but strong in my solitude wholly connected to my sense of being, still learning, being open and giving, until I leave this shitty place.

Things do change but I still do my yoga. In 156 days of this year I've done 81 practices. Not bad. I am strong and healthy and I believe in myself. Universe will give me whatever I want, it has not other choice, this is how it operates.



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