Friday, July 28, 2017

Maybe dreams are the only thing real in this life

No one can live without relationship. You may withdraw into the mountains, become a monk, a sannyasi, wander off into the desert by yourself, but you are related. You cannot escape from that absolute fact. You can not exist in isolation. - Jiddu Krishmamurti

As a kid I wondered about many questions of life. In high school and at the university I forgot about these questions and around 40s they surfaced to my mind again. Sadly, to this day, I did not found answers...

The first question is: Do other people exist when I am not in direct contact with them? I, as centre of universe have all kind of relationships. I play my role as a father, brother, boyfriend, friend, lover, co worker, neighbour etc.. What if all these people that I know are there only as far as I am paying attention to them, when I am in a direct contact to them. Interesting question.

The second question is even more mysterious: How can I leave something as a reminder of this life to my next life? And that brings me to third question: Did I left a reminder from previous life for this life? Did I? What that can be? I find the fact that I don't remember previous lives to be very cruel.

Next question that often comes on my mind is: What if dreams are more real, than what I perceive to be my waking life? What if waking life is just merely a fantasy.

Silly me, I will never find answers on these and other interesting questions. It is useless to ponder about it but I like it. If you talk about this to other people I may be labeled as a freak. So this is my secret. 😉

Last night I was with my friends out to Brydens. I had three beers and we laughed as usually. I came home around midnight, spoke with my girlfriend and went to bed at 12:45.

This morning I had a scheduled appointment at 8 am for car inspection at Canadian Tire. It turned that noise heard from the engine is just a piece of metal spring ended up there from the road. I just requested oil change and I was happy that nothing major happened.

After I went and I bought Palm beer from Belgium for tonight. I just ordered a dinner to be delivered to my place. I am supposed to celebrate one year of knowing my girlfriend.... Cheers!

Thursday, July 27, 2017

I couldn't stop laughing for quite some time

I did not do yoga practice yesterday. It's easy to practice yoga when I'm happy, when everything around feels right, when I feel love, support, appreciation. I jump out of bed and run to the mat, simply move through Sun Salutations with excitement and a feeling of happiness. It's easy.

And then yesterday world crumbled. This life that felt real and joyful is suddenly no longer there. I wake up feeling lost, empty and purposeless, it’s a part of life I am told. I need to feel sad to appreciate the happiness. I need to lose and to see what I have. This is what ultimately life is about. I read this somewhere, many times.

Happiness!!! The experience of wonderful emotions like joy or delight. A relief from problems might be happiness too. Or well-being, or the experience of contentment combined with a sense that life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile...

Happiness is a temporary state of mind between two sorrows. 

My primary goal in blogging is to help myself cultivate happiness in my life!  If I just for a second forget my problems and pay attention to writing these words I am, just for a moment, a little bit happier than before. And if I laugh while I'm writing my posts, that is even better.

I feel good when I create a post, the blogging is a source of my daily inspiration. Sometimes I write a new post with great expectation that my readers, my colleagues, family, and friends will like it. And then I get disappointed because my post hit hard bottom in click-number.

I became aware that my writing and thinking skills, and my creativity, sarcasm, and humor are not what I think to be.

Nothing really matters.

It's extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any meaning, that whatever I do in life is essentially meaningless. It's very disillusioning to get that no matter what I might accomplish, it disappears like smoke in the air; that no matter what I might attempt to do, it's so insignificant.

Nothing matters at all. It's all insignificant in the end. If not today, then tomorrow. If not in a thousand years, then in a million, billion. Not only that, but the fact that everything is insignificant and nothing has any intrinsic meaning doesn't mean anything either. All the meaning is supplied by me. All the "good," "bad," "right," "wrong," etc. is product of my thoughts.

Existence not only doesn't care about me, it's not even aware of me. In fact, I'm like an empty characters in a video game, or like a robot in a machine factory pondering what this is all about.

I burst out laughing. It was a powerful realization of my own insignificance that it became a source of a joy. So much so that I couldn't stop laughing for quite some time.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Stuck in a moment I can't get out of

I deleted "I love you" post. It was not meant to be. I was with a woman who didn't saw my worth. I cried yesterday night when I realized it is over but I am not crying now. No, I'm not weird, messed up or wrong for loving her, just... last night I let her go.

I did not sleep much. I had a bad dream and I was waking up almost every hour, finally I got up at 7. Did not do yoga, went to work early. I have been in a very bad mood all day, sadness and melancholy were my predominant emotions. It came to my mind the U2 song "Stuck in a moment you can't get out of".

In 2011, I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and changes of my mood are usual occurrences. I have accustomed for this mood swings. Extra dopamine in my brain makes me so high, I don't need any drugs to be high, I am natural one. Yoga helps me to balance the level of dopamine to keep me down, well grounded. Sometimes from the heights of great feelings, euphoria and happiness I fall down to the despair, sadness and hopelessness. Nothing new, it will pass.

I came from work now and I am going to do the 15th yoga practice of this month. I am strong and flexible and I'll feel better after the practice. After I will go for a walk in High Park. I am turning my energy towards my vacation. Seven more day and I am gone fishing.

I'm going to contact my ex-girlfriend, the Angel, and ask her out. I have saying "the real love never dies, the unreal never existed" so I believe I might see her, we may actually have a date, who knows. I am also going to renew my membership at Life goes on, I can stay depressed or I can go out and enjoy the life, the choice is mine.

My left heel still hurts. Last week I bought a new shoes and wear it at work. The new shoes made a large blister on my left heel, I walked in flip flops for entire weekend. Old wound knows to hurt for a quite some time.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

You read the negative rather than the positive posts

Interesting observation.... People do not like happy posts. They want drama and bad news and such posts are read the most. So I wonder why is that.

Most news you see and hear are negative: crime, natural disasters, terrorism, scandals, corruption. And people watch it, read it, discuss it. There is definite preference for bad news over good news.

Many studies have shown that people do care more about the threat of bad things than they do about the prospect of good things. They tend to get more fearful than happy. And each time they experience negative emotions they turn on the habitual thinking pattern.

Does writing positive or negative posts really matter?  Overall, readers like to read bad news first because it turns out that being a little unsettled can be motivating. So, if you are motivated to act on the bad feedback by making changes in your behavior, it is better to focus on what is wrong.

In what turned out to be a rather disheartening social experiment, the Russian news site City Reporter only reported good news to its readers for an entire day.

The site brought positive news stories to the front of its pages and found any and all silver linings in negative stories (“No disruption on the roads despite snow,” for example). The result was a smorgasbord of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows — that absolutely no one wanted to read. The City Reporter lost two-thirds of its normal readership that day, according to a post by one of the editors on Facebook.

Are positive posts or articles annoying?

My conclusion is that you do find them a bit annoying. I am all for embracing a willingness to change, being open to a different way of thinking, being able to face the truth. Nobody likes fears and negativity, but the only way to chase out darkness is to recognize it in yourself.

My writing is a good way to get to the heart of these blocks for myself. I am being open and honest. I am re-reading my old posts and I look for negative story I’ve created for myself. How have I abused myself with my own thoughts? In my writing, you will find that you can be downright nasty to yourself sometimes!

Beating yourself up about past negative thoughts and behavior is a negative thing as well. The same goes for holding bad emotions against others — you are only hurting yourself by holding onto that negative energy.

By noticing these negative thoughts as they come, you can stop them from occurring as often. Nothing can bother you but your own thoughts. There is only so much you can control in your daily life. The act of accepting reality as it comes is the goal. Save your energy for what you actually have control over.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

This summer is much warmer than the last winter

Maturity lies in the readiness to let go of everything. The giving up is the first step. But real giving up is in realizing that there is nothing to give up; for nothing is my own. There is no such thing as Zee. There is only restrictions and limitations. The sum total of these defines me.

After divorce, I became aware, in gradual manner, that my ordinary life has been forever left behind. The ordinary world is no longer a concern for me; and that I must adopt a new way of living if I am going to survive.

My acts, as well as the acts of people appear to be important only because I have learned to think they are important. I have learned to think about everything, and then I look at the world and see what I think.

I am living life without TV. I haven’t been watching it for a long time, since about 2006. By TV, I mean watching movies, shows, news, sports or documentaries. I don't have my favorite artist because simply I don't know them.

Nothing is important. I have no honour, no dignity, no name, no country but only a life to be lived. I write here a lot of words but I don't waste my energy on worrying about things. Nothing really matters.

I am often seen as dispassionate, lacking real feelings, as my former girlfriends say, but that is only partially true. I love life, I love the world! Let's get together and change it one hug at a time! Burn some incense, do yoga! Save bees, save trees, save whales, eat organic!

Tonight the moon will be visible from earth. The last time this happened was last night.

HAMILTON, ONTARIO, July 23, 2017 (News) - Scientists from the Institute for Climate Anomalies from Hamilton warn that the current summer is much warmer than the previous winter. 

According to experts from this institute, it is expected that this summer will be warmer than all winters in the last 150 years.

The average temperatures during June, July and August will be far above the temperatures common for January and February, according to scientists, adding that it can already be said that in the August there will certainly be no snow.

Famous director and analyst of climate change Mr. Johnny explains that the situation is very serious, but that there should be no panic.

- There's no drama. It's about the usual rhythm of nature and it's already been happening that summer is warmer than winter. It is important for citizens to be aware that during the summer they expect the days to be warmer than winter and to adapt to the current weather conditions - Johnny.

Johnny added that although long-term weather forecasts are not completely reliable, they should expect that the next winter will be much colder than the present summer.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

I want to stop giving unsolicited advices

I'm going to change my bad habit of giving unsolicited advice to people around me. The habit belongs to my personality and for that I must change it! 

Can personality be changed?

Personality defines me and how I interact with the world. There are different theories about what personality really is and how personality traits are formed, the general consensus is that personality is shaped by early life experiences and tend to stay stable over the curse of the life.

According to scientists, there are five basic personality dimensions that define you and me as individuals. Each dimension defines the traits of how you behave and relate to people and situations and the traits are mostly shaped by your emotions. Scientists call that a person's temperament.

This said, personality can change depending and accepting new life experiences - getting older for example, experiencing divorce or death of a parent, other severe emotional trauma or some other life-changing events, a new romantic relationships etc... As life change, so do personality change.

Having established a fact that personality can change I see that my life has changed in many way in the last five years and I really can proceed and get rid off some undesirable traits of my personality.

I have noticed that I give advices and offer my opinions to anyone I know. 

It is painful for me to watch my own behaviour. It is usually that someone I care about is having hard time and I really want to help. So, I offer what I think is useful advice that will assist the person in getting through it.

I think by doing so that I am a good and caring friend and eventually I get annoyed or frustrated when I see the person hasn’t taken my advice. I use to say "I told you so" in many situations.

The unsolicited advice as I feel may be helpful, it’s rarely what the person needs. Advice giving usually doesn't work, and often completely backfires. I came to realize that advice is the last thing I should offer. People want simple acceptance and acknowledge that I they are stuck in the moment. All I really need is to offer empathy and company until the bad time passes out.

Advice that is specifically requested is a different thing. It is much more appreciated than unsolicited advice. If I am called upon to give advice, I will go ahead and offer my two cents on how to resolve the situation.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Living alone for the rest of my life

Yesterday, I went to bed at 9 p.m. It was Saturday but I was tired and I did not have a wish to go out. In the afternoon, I met my daughter and we went to Ka Chi for a lunch. Her  best friend came and I drove them to downtown. It took me almost 2 hours to go there and back, it is only 16 km but Gardiner was closed. Crazy.

This morning woke up at 6 a.m. had two coffees, was on the phone with my girlfriend and then cleaned apartment. I did not know that my bathtub is actually white. I used vinegar and scrub the bathtub so fiercely. It looks so nice now. Then I vacuumed the whole apartment and washed blanket.

I will now start yoga practice and go out to shopping after. I am preparing myself for the trip back home. I am buying presents. I will go to gym around 6pm. and then head for a walk in High Park. From tomorrow I will start taking Whey Protein, 100g, immediately after waking up.

My daughter surprised me yesterday with a question am I going to live with someone or would I prefer to stay alone. I did not know what to answer. I got his same question from my friend the other day. It is a very good question and belongs to long-term goal, which I, unfortunately, do not have.

I told her that I am now in a situation and all probability is that I will stay alone for the rest of my life. I told her that I have nothing against being with another person, waking up together, loving each other, enjoying long conversations, cuddling and watching movies, going to work and sharing everything, well living together.

But I have no such person in my life. Since my divorce I was dating a lot of women and I did not have a slightest wish to share my life with them. I was emotionally unavailable. The scars from my marriage were still raw and painful. I did not believe in love and I was wondering what is love all about.

I met my current girlfriend on July 29, 2016 a day before I left for my vacation. I did not  have a clue that I will stay with her all this time. But somehow we got close, slowly, with her patience and cute smile she turned me around. Now I am thinking I could live with her but she is in a different stage of life than me.

I told all this to my daughter as I felt a bit sad. I realized that I will stay alone for the rest of my life. Well not alone but living alone. And that is okay. I have no clue why I am saying this to you.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

What does actually mean BEING IN LOVE?

I am in love!

But being in love arouses anxiety, because it threatens me in many ways. Fear from emotional pain and rejection are leaving me feeling more vulnerable. Why?

What does actually mean BEING IN LOVE? 
according to Zee

If I think about it, it turns out matters are a bit complicated. I read on the net couple articles and they all points out that you're attracted to a person who can help you to recreate the conditions of your childhood so you can use your understanding as an adult to finish growing up.

Being in love is a an experience of the feeling on top of the world. Unconsciously though, you are looking to have a deeper needs met. The happiness is not because you’ve found the One; it’s an unconscious recognition of someone who matches your profile made up of positive and negative characteristics of your childhood.

Being in love means you have found the person who can make you the whole or complete again.

You fall in love with the one who has the same childhood wounds but has a different way of dealing with it.

Let me explain... It is so common of being neglected as a child and you might have kept those feelings to yourself, never told anyone about it. You will fail in love with exact person who experienced the same but acted (differently than you) by constantly demanding attention.

You fall in love with someone who exhibit lost aspects of your self, the aspects of your personality of which you are not even conscious. If you are shy, you seek someone outgoing; if you’re disorganized, you’re attracted to someone cool and rational.

Falling in love stears your unconsciousness and the world seems altogether a better place, your gut is telling you that you’ve found someone with whom you can finally get your needs met and fulfill your spiritual growth.

Unfortunately, since you don’t understand what’s going on, you’re shocked when the awful truth of being in relationship surfaces, and your first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.

Being in love and fulfilling the spiritual growth is filled with struggle with anger and disappointment. In short-term, you may be shocked at how fast you relationship has deteriorated to conflict and dislike.

The marriages and relationships break up once this need for spiritual growth is finished. Eventually, you reach a point of no return and there is nothing to keep you related with that person again. You find out that you can’t stand each other any longer.

If you know that your partner is supposed to help you grow up, would you change things? 

Would you still, like so many millions of people all over the world, breakup relationship or settle for an empty, loveless existence “for the sake of the children” or insurance and tax purposes or because you’re afraid of being alone?

I suppose it depends on whether you accept my theory and whether you act on it.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Don't cry for Louie, Louie wouldn't cry for you

Look, I'm not going to bullshit here, neither you who read this nor myself. I'm living my wonderful life the way I always have, thinking, "man, I'm better than others." And then, out of the blue, I'm having a horrifying realization that I'm not a cool masterpiece of polished personality, that I'm just some old boring parent, an annoying neighbour, tired computer programmer, an asshole yogi... or whatever.

Yes, Friday. Rainy day in Toronto. I am completely down, I feel lost and without directions.

Yesterday night I found out something that hurts me a lot. My girlfriend is hiding me from other people. She is a private person and she doesn't share her personal life with friends and relatives. She may have mentioned me as her boyfriend to certain close friends but I don't know them personally.

I don't want to write about her on my blog but I must say that this shows she is not taking our relationship as a serious as I do. It is so obvious, I love her more than she loves me and that explains so many things. It is okay, I will adjust my attitude accordingly.

This morning I have accomplish the goal regarding my body weight. 85 kg (187 pounds). I lost 4.3 kg (9.5  pounds) in a month or so. I look good, full of energy and strength. I am going to do yoga practice after I post this.

In the last two weeks I had only 7 beers and no wine. Physical activity, smaller portion of food, no alcohol, no sugar and snacks, good 8 hours sleep... all that made body weight loss possible. Now I am going to work out on my muscles and increase gym exercise. I am going to start taking additional portions of protein. I may gain weight but that will be muscles not belly fat.

I'm confident and intelligent. I’ve proven that I am. I’ve spent countless hours training my body and mind through hardships and learning. I’ve stretched the abilities of my brain through doing my daily computer programming work, spiritual book reading, observing others, meditation, exercise, yoga, quiet walking, etc. I’ve done a lot and I'm naturally good at almost everything I do.

I don’t throw this rant in the faces of others, but I won’t hold back either. I am a very motivated and determined individual. I am very passionate about people I love and I'll do everything for them. My love is unconditional but is it worth it? Why do I feel I am on the verge of tears?

The other thing is... I have never hit that magical point where I figured out exactly what I really want to do with my life. I turned around and I am 52 years old and I see that my life looks like a bubble gum. I have no clue what I'm doing, I embarrass myself on these pages, repeatedly.

I may be searching for meaning. Clarity is another word that comes to mind. I'm turned off by a lot of what I see around me, the shallow and the superficial. And I'm fighting not to be consumed by this mess. I know that there is nothing in the future remotely resembling what I really want.

Maybe if I can find out what I can do to gain the strength needed to hold my tears at bay. Or just let them come...

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

100th yoga practice in this year

Today is Wednesday July 12, 2017... it is Day 193 in the year. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. I am about to do my 100th practice in 2017. I'm strong and ready for 45 minutes long, half primary ashtanga yoga practice. I am proud of my accomplishment, well the statistic shows that I do yoga every second day, which is very good.

I can do better, but I am a lazy and sometimes I just start practice and then give it up. If I take in consideration the rest and moon days, I am satisfied with this score. I must continue like this or even do more yoga.

At present, not much is happening in my life. I practice, visit the gym, go to work, walk in High Park, meet my friends, watch movies, clean apartment, wash clothes, buy groceries, eat and sleep. I am missing my girlfriend.

Anyway... I've stopped comparing myself to others. I've stopped competition with others. I am not interested of what people do but I do swear a lot, it helps me letting go of anger.

I have done many things in my life, like my marriage, for example, I don't regret any of it. So what?... if I did a fatal mistake marrying my ex and being in a marriage for 22 years. They say, there are things to be learned from every mistake, mistakes are lessons. The lessons for what? Smart guys divorce in late 30ties, not like me, I divorced in 48. What is left for me to learn?

So at the end of the day, I don't worry for anything. I don't blame myself . An unrealistic perception of life is the base of all problems. I try to laugh at my life as many times as I can. I know, the laugh does not solve anything and yet...

It’s wonderful when people find meaning and purpose in life. I am not there yet. I have no idea what my purpose is. How do I discover it? I’m not talking about my job, my daily responsibilities, or even my long-term goals, which I don't really have.

Oh yes, growing older is a shitty business. There is nothing good in that. I'm made more aware each day of my own mortality, and how few decades I possibly still have left on this earth. Yet, when I am still healthy other things became possible.

Change! If you do not respond to that challenge you are as good as dead. You have never taken the responsibility for being in this unfathomable world. Therefore, you were never an artist, and perhaps you'll never be a hunter. There is one simple thing wrong with you--you think you have plenty of time. You think your life is going to last forever. 

You have no time, my friend, no time. None of us have time. Don't just agree with me. Act upon it. What I recommend you to do is to notice that we do not have any assurance that our lives will go on indefinitely. Change comes suddenly and unexpectedly, and so does death. There are some people who are very careful about the nature of their acts. Their happiness is to act with the full knowledge that they don't have time; therefore, their acts have a peculiar power.

You don't have time, my friend. That is the misfortune of human beings. None of us have sufficient time. Your acts cannot possibly have the flair, the power, the compelling force of the acts performed by a man who knows that he is fighting his last battle on earth.

We are all going to die. There is something out there waiting for me, for sure; and I will join it, also for sure. Use it. Focus your attention on the link between you and your death, without remorse or sadness or worrying. Focus your attention on the fact you don't have time and let your acts flow accordingly. Let each of your acts be your last battle on earth. Only under those conditions will your acts have their rightful power. Otherwise they will be, for as long as you live, the acts of a timid man. There is no time for timidity, simply because timidity makes you cling to something that exists only in your thoughts. It soothes you while everything is at a lull, but then the awesome, mysterious world will open its mouth for you, as it will open for every one of us, and then you will realize that your sure ways were not sure at all. Being timid prevents us from examining and exploiting our lot as men. 

- Journey to Ixtlan, Carlos Castaneda

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Sexy As Fuck

I literally don’t care if not of you who are reading this agrees with me. The thing about being sexy is that it is a feeling I have, not a feeling you assign on me.

The various magazines try to make me believe that I have to do a lot of shit to achieve sexiness, well, I call that bullshit. Sexiness is within! And because it is within — here’s the best bit — I can claim it! Just like that, right now, I can declare myself to be Sexy As Fuck. Or, if swearwords aren’t in your vocabulary, just Sexy.

You know about self esteem and why having good self esteem is a great thing to posses. I feel about myself as a handsome man. Cultivating high sexual self esteem (as well as a general self esteem) is very rewarding and of course enjoyable.

As a 52 years old male, born as double Aries, I know it can be hard to get rid of years (in most cases decades) of sexual repression and oppression in my stale marriage and the cultural conditioning of fear and shame around sexuality that many of you grew up with.

A quarter of the population are dealing with the aftermath of all kinds of childhood abuse, and 1/3rd of women are dealing with having been physically or sexually assaulted. 85% of women cannot reach sexual orgasm. This is not just statistics... it is truth.

You want to be sexy? Sexy as fuck? But then you look in the mirror and the scene understandably dampens your enthusiasm. Can I tell you something?  Being sexy as fuck has little to do with looks and everything to do with being conscious and having a spark of the light in your eyes.

Stop thinking you’re not sexy and just be sexy. It is all about your attitude change. Get rid off your past love stories so they don’t linger around your current story. Bringing the pain and heartbreak of the past into the present will kill your sexiness with fear.

The constant chatter of your mind really lies to you, it convinces you that history is repeating itself. The only way to live in present is to first look the memories, process them and heal those that hurts. Learn from the past and determine to make the present far better. And that, my friend, is the sexy as fuck.

Kiss your partner and ask her how it feels. Communicate!!! Touch her until you feel that you are touching her heart. From out of that connection grows the magic of love, skin on skin until you lose yourself, until you disappear.

Sex is an art of disappearance. You can drive your partner crazy by learning how her body responds. It isn’t difficult, time consuming or mysterious. It’s will be surprising to you when you discover that you can talk about what she likes because it means you will find out and know about what works.

That sense of knowing drives your actions confidently. Nothing attracts woman more than inner confidence and I am not talking here about arrogance but of your eyes looking at her eyes while your hand touching her.

Don't talk too much, it is not necessary and that gives you a kind of mystery that tells her that you would not bring a lot of “drama” into a relationship. Rather, make her life more interesting.

Stand tall, shoulders back and look her in the eyes. Smile. Your posture and the way you present yourself tells her about you. For me, the romance can be as simple as honestly looking into her eyes in order to see what’s really going on inside of them. The relationship are the words you use in a text during the day or when you say goodnight. Taking the time to ask how she feels at the moment and finding out what she is saying creates great romance.

And, my friend, that’s the secret to making yourself the sexy as fuck.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Why do people hate existential nihilism?

Nihilism (/ˈnaɪ.ᵻlɪzəm/ or /ˈniː.ᵻlɪzəm/; from the Latin nihil, nothing) is a philosophical doctrine that suggests the lack of belief in one or more reputedly meaningful aspects of life. Most commonly, nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism, which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value. Moral nihilists assert that there is no inherent morality, and that accepted moral values are abstractly contrived. Nihilism may also take epistemological, ontological, or metaphysical forms, meaning respectively that, in some aspect, knowledge is not possible, or reality does not actually exist. - Wikipedia

I am about to start 99th yoga practice of this year. I am energized and motivated to work on my strength so I will add some additional poses for the inner core. I am slowly getting into shape. Life is good.

Yesterday, I wrote a post about meaning of life and posted it on Awakening Community Facebook group. I received so many negative comments. I am not quite sure the reason for that but this morning when I saw it I removed the post from the Facebook and I left the group.

I am not a pessimist, I am not an optimist, I am a realist. My life philosophy is very close to Existential Nihilism. All my post revolve around that. Existential Nihilism explains a lot. It's the stripping away of all delusions and leaving nothing behind but the bare naked truth.

In general people hate this philosophy because its terrifying to them. People want to hold on to hope and beliefs that life has a meaning and a purpose. That's why people turn out toward religion which somehow makes everything easy. There is God and he has created everything and he cannot be questioned. Nice. People are barely conscious, they are practically living their life in a state similar to walking dream.

To awaken means to realize one's nothingness, that is to realize one's complete and absolute mechanicalness and one's complete and absolute helplessness. And it is not sufficient to realize it philosophically in words. It is necessary to realize it in clean, simple, and concrete facts, in one's own life. - Gurdjieff 

Is it extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any intrinsic meaning, that life is essentially meaningless? I think it is, and it is dangerous. It takes courage to live life understanding that no matter what you might accomplish, all will disappear like smoke in the air; that no matter what service you might attempt to perform, it's all useless. Not only that, but the very fact that everything is insignificant and nothing has any intrinsic meaning doesn't mean anything either.

The power the false beliefs, wishful thinking and other delusions hold over people is staggering, yet, it is necessary to help them function in the world. The world is supported by the "sleep" and the nature does not want them to "wake up".

Do you think “wake up” are two superfluous words? Obviously you're reading this, you're “not asleep.”  And that is, in fact, how dictionaries define “awake.” But my usage is far more subtle.

Man is asleep but doesn't know it. So deep is his hypnotic slumber that he does his daily walking and talking, his legislating and marrying in a state of unconsciousness. Actually, the acts are the mechanical acts of hypnotized people... - Gurdjieff 

Each of you undertake a journey to awakening in one or another way. You draw unique experiences into your life in order to learn only one thing - that you were wrong about it. This is what an experience really means. You gain knowledge about falseness of everything.

If you want to develop spiritually or grow closer to God, or go to Heaven, or raise your consciousness, or get enlightenment, obtain liberation - in short, if you are moving, progressing and you feel that you growing up, well, that is the essence of your "sleep".

Growing, moving, progressing, evolving. Heart, Love, Peace, Bliss. Be nice and say you're sorry when you done wrong and your loving God won't cook your ass. Your hope for transcendental bliss, cosmic consciousness, kundalini awakening, supreme love... Nice stuff but it is all delusions.

You must question your beliefs. Of these the idea that you are the body with the consciousness is the worst. With the body comes the world, with the world - God, who is supposed to have created the world and thus it starts - fears, religions, bondage, spirituality, practice, sacrifices, all sorts of systems - all to protect and support "you", frightened out of your wits by monsters of your own making.

I am not here to make things right for you. You have to realize that for yourself.

Friday, July 7, 2017

The life has no meaning unless you want to fool yourself

It is Friday night around 10 p.m. I am at my desk writing this post. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Today is my daughter's birthday and we went for a lunch. After, she went to meet her friends, they are making a party for her. Well, I am not welcomed. My girlfriend is far away, my friends are busy, I am alone with my blog. I just finish watching Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.

According to the movie the meaning of life is not 42 it is the following: Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.


And here I am, Friday night I am thinking about the biggest question. However you phrase it - What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Who Am I? What is true?

You take that the meaning of life involves some kind of joke, if I ask you, you will respond with nervous laugh and an attempt to change the subject. For you, this question is threatening, too unnerving to dare to say anything sincere or serious and so laughter seems your only safe response.

You simply do not know what is the meaning of all this. You don't know why you are here and what is your purpose. You have heard of various theories but all of them are just hearsay.

Nature seems to be a purposeless and meaningless machine. Did we pay for our new mental freedom by sacrificing the meaning of our existence? Partially knowledgeable man stands alone, uprooted in an icy universe, lost in the chain of generations which arose from nothing, and become nothing. What is the purpose of it all? Is this the desired purpose of understanding, the last great answer to all questions asked of nature?

Man has “experimented” himself out of a Godly order, away from an inner feeling of security. . . . He has made a taboo of the question of the meaning of human life—its portal has been nailed shut with planks. He no more dares to touch it, because he fears to find the dismal answer that our life has no meaning at all.

- Carsten Bresch

I have my own theory which I have build for quite some time. I will repeat my previous post on this subject. What else can I do?

The life has no meaning unless you want to fool yourself. 

All creation boils down to two things: awareness and appearance, soul and matter, purusha and prakriti... etc, however you name it. I call it awareness and appearance.

Awareness is unchangeable, it is true, appearance is ever changing and it is just belief, not true. Consciousness is also content of awareness and albeit very close to it, unfortunately it is temporary, so it is not true.

Awareness or so called God, Soul, the Absolute, Parabrahman, basically has no name. It is "not this, not that". It is perfection. And there is a big problem.

Imagine that you live in perfect universe on a perfect planet... what will you do? What? Everything is so perfect and there is nothing else to do but to watch and what you will look at... Water flowing? Grass growing? Planet spinning? How about shaping the rocks and wind shaping the mountains? How about looking at ocean and waves?

How long could you watch a perfect nature? You'd turn into a drooling idiot before lunch.

Boredom is the problem God trying to solve and the perfection of existence isn't solving it and there is no possibility of imperfection to spice things up. God is itself the perfection.

So, that's the setup of your existence. Perception, despite not existing, must perform the vital but impossible function of amusing God. This is impossible because God is not capable of being finite and imperfect. Chaos is not possible, flaws and errors are not possible, irrationality and inadequacy are not possible. Nonsense is not possible. The God created from the awareness is perfect, there is no problem.... And that is the fucking problem.

So lets there be something when there is nothing! 

And thus was born the illusion of appearance! And thus was born the illusion of time, energy, matter, space, causality, duality and life. With life, the illusion of you and your ignorance came around so you can ask the question... what is the meaning of all this.

It has no meaning, whatsoever.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

I am an albatraoz!!!

Mesdames et Messieurs
S'il vous plaît
Soyez prêt pour Zee et Albatraoz
C'est parti!

There are so many articles, videos, books about finding your purpose in life and living your life happily. I am not quite sure that they make any sense but you like to read it. It probably gives you a certain pleasure.

Things in life are much simpler than you think. There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so, said Shakespeare. And it is true. Your thinking supplies judgments and colors the events according to your mood.

The life is really completely neutral. Events, per se, have no meaning whatsoever, but there is a touch of "personality", that makes you angry or satisfied. You like this, you don't like that. That is not really necessary.

I live at High Park area of Toronto in a small, 550 sq feet, one bedroom, cozy apartment. I'm a simple, straightforward guy and I don't like complications and anything that creates over thinking. I try to see events as they are but so often I also go astray and supply meaning to the events.

I like to say for myself that I'm an albatraoz. ;-) Flying high above this mundane life.

I'm a mixture of fearless man who adores freedom and undisciplined child who make so many mistakes. I'm very easy to be understood. Being confident, spontaneous and independent, I want to be in charge.

I do things for myself, like writing this blog. I don't want to prove anything to you. As uncomplicated, bold, aggressive and impulsive, I'm perceived as selfish, insensitive, often so blunt and impatient. So be it. I don't need to change, you have to look at me with different attitude.

It always surprise me that the world doesn't revolve around me. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten an email that there is a larger world out there outside of myself. Looking at the world purely from my own perspective I see that I am caring, compassionate, team player, and an overall okay guy and here deep down in my heart there is a strong thirst for independence.

I am in relationship with no future but we are together for almost a year now. I love my girlfriend. I have written a lot of posts about my relationship but I deleted them on her request. I firmly believe that she is here in my life to teach me how to love without being a needy. Honestly, I do think that.

Yes, sometimes, I am called hard headed and stubborn. Maybe this is true. Once I get an idea in my mind, I tend to be quite intolerant of other facts. This can get quite annoying. I never get into debate with anyone about religion, politics, and other heavy subjects. I just do whatever I want at the moment but I have a strong sensitivity not to hurt other people.

If you ever meet me you will notice that I don't talk much. I am an observer and I never say things what I am writing here. I think that everything written here is just temporary state of mind, so fleeting and changeful, it has no value. It is a play, nothing else.

Most people don’t like to be wrong, however, I take that to a whole new level. I don’t like to admit that I am wrong. I do apologize for many things I have done but deeply inside I consider apologizing to be an act of humiliation.

Nothing is ever wrong. I learn from every experience I had, although I'm very slow, so I repeat my mistakes all over again. Whatever I did was a necessary step for the future. So I'm proud of myself. Maybe I'm not as good as I want to be but thanks to all the lessons I've learned along the way, I'm so much better than I used to be.

And the song of the day...

... I'm an albatraoz

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

What Does It Mean To Be An Ashtangi?

I am an ashtangi. I don't really like any personal labels but this is what I am. I do ashtanga yoga everyday and my life revolves around it. What does it mean to be an ashtangi?

Ashtanga Yoga holds the key to rediscovering yourself. In time, this practice helps you in your everyday life. You quickly understand that you don't have a control of your life. The ways you react to challenges and handle situations begins to change, as you start to see that you cannot get hold on anything.

To be an ashtangi means to be an outsider, a kind of a rebellion. Ashtanga Yoga takes you out of the mainstream. By being an ashtangi you start having an alternative and mindful way of living. It is not just about lululemon pants, not even chanting or meditating for peace, or quitting your job to be a yoga teacher or saving bees or wales or the Earth itself.

Ashtangis are those who stay in the world, doing the same thing as before, working hard, having drinks, raising children... about those who do yoga everyday and the deeper they dive into the practice, the more questions they dissolve. They simply see that nothing has an intrinsic meaning. Not even the practice itself. But they doing it anyway what a hell.

To be an ashtangi means to go against the status quo of what you think we should look like, or should do with your life. You rebel against the accepted norms and against what your family may have expected you to do with yourself and your career. Your daily practice gives you the ability to stay true to your own path.

Daily practice develops a detached awareness so you as an observer of the mind is strengthen over time. You begin to understand and accept that your thoughts really create your reality. But that realization does not mean anything either, you notice that it is easy to fall back into the habit of projection into the future with anxiety which can lead you to depression.

By continuing going to the mat and breathing five breaths in each pose, brings your attention to the present moment. You start to notice the present, and while breathing in a difficult pose there is freedom to be yourself. That is realization that the present moment is not different than your own self. You cut the limiting beliefs about yourself that hold you back from your dreams, because you come to realize that you are nothing of what you thinking to be.

That is the connection to the self that you have forgotten it. But yoga is a direct line back to that union. "Yoga" means union and now you understand with what. Your self is your best friend who many of you may have forgotten.

You can have no friends and be lonely, and turn to neediness on your wife, kids or lover. But in coming home to your self through yoga, you realize each and every time that you are indeed free and enough as is. You become so confident in your solitude. This epiphany that makes you aware of the fact that your self is all you've really got in this world and that realization will give you knowledge how to handle your outside relationships and be a good partner.

To be an ashtangi is to have a shiny eyes that are smiling on mundane life. That freedom is a gift of ashtanga yoga to you. Your good fortune may have happened by luck or chance but the shiny eyes make the abundance of opportunities.

You are not obsessed over what you do not have, what you have not accomplished, and how you will not be happy nor complete nor fulfilled until you meet your soulmate. You stop comparing yourself to the status, success, fame or celebrity of others, instead you enjoy peaceful knowledge of your own self. And you practice ashtanga yoga.

Monday, July 3, 2017

3 weeks from today...

...the great photo. College for Planning 😉. It looks like I studied on this colledge. Everything what I do it turns out to be quite different from my plans. Today is the last day of my mini-vacation. Tomorrow, I am back to the office into my usual routine. All is good.

Yesterday I was on BBQ party at my friend's house. I went there around 2:30 PM and stayed until 9. We had fish soup and a burger and lots of beer. We had a great time but after the party I declined going out to Brydens. I went to sleep around 10. I am rested now and I will do yoga and go to gym.

I mentioned the planning because at present I am in very important period of my life. Next three weeks I want to use for myself to get in a good shape and try to get rid of the belly fat. I am impatient, although I see the good results of my diet I am not quite satisfied. I can do better.

I am not happy with my appearance. I'm not young anymore and I feel it. I am 52 and skin changes, wrinkles, gray hair, belly fat, you name it, have started to show up and they won't go away. But I am not going to give up so easily.

In next three weeks I am on my own. I'm feeling motivated to eat better, exercise more, drink less... I'll do a complete lifestyle change so it will be challenging time. The changes are a process that take motivation and require careful monitoring. I'm ready to make the changes, I'm committing to do it and I'll following through on my blog.

So my plan is simple...

1. Drink coffee only in the morning, and lots of water during a day. 

You know what, I have stopped drinking water. I must force myself to start drinking it again. No more coffee in the afternoon.

2. No more refined carbohydrates in my diet. 

I'll be very careful not to eat the processed food. I will not eat: tacos, wraps, pizza, croissants, pasta, muffins, pastries, bagels, white bread, pretzels, doughnuts, cookies, biscuits, cakes, white rice, wheat, candy, sweets, potato chips, batter, pastry, desserts, jams, soft drinks, sodas and sugary drinks.

3. No more alcohol of any kind. 

I will stop drinking beer and wine. The challenge will be going out to the bars and clubs with my friends but for the beginning I'll avoid going there. The alcohol keeps my belly fat intact. And I'll save money too.

4. Regular, daily ashtanga yoga practice is a MUST. 

No more excuses. Last month 17 yoga practices and my plan is to have 17 practices in a three weeks. I need to return to 6 days a week, 60 minutes, half primary, practice.

5. Daily gym exercises. 

30 minutes, stomach and upper body one day and stomach and legs another day... 5 days a week, Saturday and Sunday will be rest days.

Effective immediately!!!

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Happy Birthday Canada

Today is Canada's 150th birthday. I woke up at 6 AM and now I lazily drinking coffee. I'm a naturalized Canadian. I have left the country where I was born and I'm living across the ocean on the other continent, in a foreign land, speaking a foreign language.

Can you imagine moving to a country 10,000 km away from your home and leaving your family behind? And you can only go back and see them once a year. Does it hurt? Do you think you would never be able to do it?

I did it. And yes, it hurts! But it’s not the end of the world.

Let me tell you a story. My story. When war started in former Yugoslavia my ex wife and I decided to move out, anywhere. I applied for immigration to South Africa, Australia, Canada. We left to Sweden and we were there for 14 months. Finally in Sweden our immigration papers to Canada were approved and we came to Toronto.

My daughter was eight months old, we did not have money so I started working two days upon arrival. I washed dishes in a restaurant while I was learning the English language. It was tough but we had a bright future before us...

Twenty years after, I had a mortgage free condo and everything what I needed... and then my wife and I got divorced. But that's just another story.

At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets. 

Excuses, explanations and regrets are for the uninteresting, apologetic people, for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live and die.

The morning is gloomy, sky is covered with heavy clouds and it is unusually quiet as Toronto is still sleeping. I had some quiet time - focus, introspection, orientation. No kids yelling, no babies crying, no woman complaining, no television or music noise. Sitting in my pajamas I was drinking a coffee, smoking and shivering on the cold air.

Life? This bland little life I am dozing through.

What am I really doing? Nothing.

I'm just watching events roll out in front of my eyes. What else can I do? Something more important going? Like what? My plans? My career? My self-image fantasies?

The truth is I have nothing to do. I am alive, but I don't really have anything to do while alive. I have no ambition, nowhere to go, no one to be or become. I don't need to distract myself from anything or convince myself of anything. There is nothing that I think isn't as it should be, and I have no interest in how others see me. I have nothing to guide me.

I don't seem to be too bored or unhappy about it, so I guess it sounds weird.