Friday, July 28, 2017

Maybe dreams are the only thing real in this life

No one can live without relationship. You may withdraw into the mountains, become a monk, a sannyasi, wander off into the desert by yourself, but you are related. You cannot escape from that absolute fact. You can not exist in isolation. - Jiddu Krishmamurti

As a kid I wondered about many questions of life. In high school and at the university I forgot about these questions and around 40s they surfaced to my mind again. Sadly, to this day, I did not found answers...

The first question is: Do other people exist when I am not in direct contact with them? I, as centre of universe have all kind of relationships. I play my role as a father, brother, boyfriend, friend, lover, co worker, neighbour etc.. What if all these people that I know are there only as far as I am paying attention to them, when I am in a direct contact to them. Interesting question.

The second question is even more mysterious: How can I leave something as a reminder of this life to my next life? And that brings me to third question: Did I left a reminder from previous life for this life? Did I? What that can be? I find the fact that I don't remember previous lives to be very cruel.

Next question that often comes on my mind is: What if dreams are more real, than what I perceive to be my waking life? What if waking life is just merely a fantasy.

Silly me, I will never find answers on these and other interesting questions. It is useless to ponder about it but I like it. If you talk about this to other people I may be labeled as a freak. So this is my secret. 😉

Last night I was with my friends out to Brydens. I had three beers and we laughed as usually. I came home around midnight, spoke with my girlfriend and went to bed at 12:45.

This morning I had a scheduled appointment at 8 am for car inspection at Canadian Tire. It turned that noise heard from the engine is just a piece of metal spring ended up there from the road. I just requested oil change and I was happy that nothing major happened.

After I went and I bought Palm beer from Belgium for tonight. I just ordered a dinner to be delivered to my place. I am supposed to celebrate one year of knowing my girlfriend.... Cheers!

Thursday, July 27, 2017

I couldn't stop laughing for quite some time

I did not do yoga practice yesterday. It's easy to practice yoga when I'm happy, when everything around feels right, when I feel love, support, appreciation. I jump out of bed and run to the mat, simply move through Sun Salutations with excitement and a feeling of happiness. It's easy.

And then yesterday world crumbled. This life that felt real and joyful is suddenly no longer there. I wake up feeling lost, empty and purposeless, it’s a part of life I am told. I need to feel sad to appreciate the happiness. I need to lose and to see what I have. This is what ultimately life is about. I read this somewhere, many times.

Happiness!!! The experience of wonderful emotions like joy or delight. A relief from problems might be happiness too. Or well-being, or the experience of contentment combined with a sense that life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile...

Happiness is a temporary state of mind between two sorrows. 

My primary goal in blogging is to help myself cultivate happiness in my life!  If I just for a second forget my problems and pay attention to writing these words I am, just for a moment, a little bit happier than before. And if I laugh while I'm writing my posts, that is even better.

I feel good when I create a post, the blogging is a source of my daily inspiration. Sometimes I write a new post with great expectation that my readers, my colleagues, family, and friends will like it. And then I get disappointed because my post hit hard bottom in click-number.

I became aware that my writing and thinking skills, and my creativity, sarcasm, and humor are not what I think to be.

Nothing really matters.

It's extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any meaning, that whatever I do in life is essentially meaningless. It's very disillusioning to get that no matter what I might accomplish, it disappears like smoke in the air; that no matter what I might attempt to do, it's so insignificant.

Nothing matters at all. It's all insignificant in the end. If not today, then tomorrow. If not in a thousand years, then in a million, billion. Not only that, but the fact that everything is insignificant and nothing has any intrinsic meaning doesn't mean anything either. All the meaning is supplied by me. All the "good," "bad," "right," "wrong," etc. is product of my thoughts.

Existence not only doesn't care about me, it's not even aware of me. In fact, I'm like an empty characters in a video game, or like a robot in a machine factory pondering what this is all about.

I burst out laughing. It was a powerful realization of my own insignificance that it became a source of a joy. So much so that I couldn't stop laughing for quite some time.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Stuck in a moment I can't get out of

I deleted "I love you" post. It was not meant to be. I was with a woman who didn't saw my worth. I cried yesterday night when I realized it is over but I am not crying now. No, I'm not weird, messed up or wrong for loving her, just... last night I let her go.

I did not sleep much. I had a bad dream and I was waking up almost every hour, finally I got up at 7. Did not do yoga, went to work early. I have been in a very bad mood all day, sadness and melancholy were my predominant emotions. It came to my mind the U2 song "Stuck in a moment you can't get out of".

In 2011, I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and changes of my mood are usual occurrences. I have accustomed for this mood swings. Extra dopamine in my brain makes me so high, I don't need any drugs to be high, I am natural one. Yoga helps me to balance the level of dopamine to keep me down, well grounded. Sometimes from the heights of great feelings, euphoria and happiness I fall down to the despair, sadness and hopelessness. Nothing new, it will pass.

I came from work now and I am going to do the 15th yoga practice of this month. I am strong and flexible and I'll feel better after the practice. After I will go for a walk in High Park. I am turning my energy towards my vacation. Seven more day and I am gone fishing.

I'm going to contact my ex-girlfriend, the Angel, and ask her out. I have saying "the real love never dies, the unreal never existed" so I believe I might see her, we may actually have a date, who knows. I am also going to renew my membership at Life goes on, I can stay depressed or I can go out and enjoy the life, the choice is mine.

My left heel still hurts. Last week I bought a new shoes and wear it at work. The new shoes made a large blister on my left heel, I walked in flip flops for entire weekend. Old wound knows to hurt for a quite some time.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

You read the negative rather than the positive posts

Interesting observation.... People do not like happy posts. They want drama and bad news and such posts are read the most. So I wonder why is that.

Most news you see and hear are negative: crime, natural disasters, terrorism, scandals, corruption. And people watch it, read it, discuss it. There is definite preference for bad news over good news.

Many studies have shown that people do care more about the threat of bad things than they do about the prospect of good things. They tend to get more fearful than happy. And each time they experience negative emotions they turn on the habitual thinking pattern.

Does writing positive or negative posts really matter?  Overall, readers like to read bad news first because it turns out that being a little unsettled can be motivating. So, if you are motivated to act on the bad feedback by making changes in your behavior, it is better to focus on what is wrong.

In what turned out to be a rather disheartening social experiment, the Russian news site City Reporter only reported good news to its readers for an entire day.

The site brought positive news stories to the front of its pages and found any and all silver linings in negative stories (“No disruption on the roads despite snow,” for example). The result was a smorgasbord of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows — that absolutely no one wanted to read. The City Reporter lost two-thirds of its normal readership that day, according to a post by one of the editors on Facebook.

Are positive posts or articles annoying?

My conclusion is that you do find them a bit annoying. I am all for embracing a willingness to change, being open to a different way of thinking, being able to face the truth. Nobody likes fears and negativity, but the only way to chase out darkness is to recognize it in yourself.

My writing is a good way to get to the heart of these blocks for myself. I am being open and honest. I am re-reading my old posts and I look for negative story I’ve created for myself. How have I abused myself with my own thoughts? In my writing, you will find that you can be downright nasty to yourself sometimes!

Beating yourself up about past negative thoughts and behavior is a negative thing as well. The same goes for holding bad emotions against others — you are only hurting yourself by holding onto that negative energy.

By noticing these negative thoughts as they come, you can stop them from occurring as often. Nothing can bother you but your own thoughts. There is only so much you can control in your daily life. The act of accepting reality as it comes is the goal. Save your energy for what you actually have control over.