Friday, July 14, 2017

Don't cry for Louie, Louie wouldn't cry for you

Look, I'm not going to bullshit here, neither you who read this nor myself. I'm living my wonderful life the way I always have, thinking, "man, I'm better than others." And then, out of the blue, I'm having a horrifying realization that I'm not a cool masterpiece of polished personality, that I'm just some old boring parent, an annoying neighbour, tired computer programmer, an asshole yogi... or whatever.

Yes, Friday. Rainy day in Toronto. I am completely down, I feel lost and without directions.

Yesterday night I found out something that hurts me a lot. My girlfriend is hiding me from other people. She is a private person and she doesn't share her personal life with friends and relatives. She may have mentioned me as her boyfriend to certain close friends but I don't know them personally.

I don't want to write about her on my blog but I must say that this shows she is not taking our relationship as a serious as I do. It is so obvious, I love her more than she loves me and that explains so many things. It is okay, I will adjust my attitude accordingly.

This morning I have accomplish the goal regarding my body weight. 85 kg (187 pounds). I lost 4.3 kg (9.5  pounds) in a month or so. I look good, full of energy and strength. I am going to do yoga practice after I post this.

In the last two weeks I had only 7 beers and no wine. Physical activity, smaller portion of food, no alcohol, no sugar and snacks, good 8 hours sleep... all that made body weight loss possible. Now I am going to work out on my muscles and increase gym exercise. I am going to start taking additional portions of protein. I may gain weight but that will be muscles not belly fat.

I'm confident and intelligent. I’ve proven that I am. I’ve spent countless hours training my body and mind through hardships and learning. I’ve stretched the abilities of my brain through doing my daily computer programming work, spiritual book reading, observing others, meditation, exercise, yoga, quiet walking, etc. I’ve done a lot and I'm naturally good at almost everything I do.

I don’t throw this rant in the faces of others, but I won’t hold back either. I am a very motivated and determined individual. I am very passionate about people I love and I'll do everything for them. My love is unconditional but is it worth it? Why do I feel I am on the verge of tears?

The other thing is... I have never hit that magical point where I figured out exactly what I really want to do with my life. I turned around and I am 52 years old and I see that my life looks like a bubble gum. I have no clue what I'm doing, I embarrass myself on these pages, repeatedly.

I may be searching for meaning. Clarity is another word that comes to mind. I'm turned off by a lot of what I see around me, the shallow and the superficial. And I'm fighting not to be consumed by this mess. I know that there is nothing in the future remotely resembling what I really want.

Maybe if I can find out what I can do to gain the strength needed to hold my tears at bay. Or just let them come...

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