Saturday, July 1, 2017

Happy Birthday Canada

Today is Canada's 150th birthday. I woke up at 6 AM and now I lazily drinking coffee. I'm a naturalized Canadian. I have left the country where I was born and I'm living across the ocean on the other continent, in a foreign land, speaking a foreign language.

Can you imagine moving to a country 10,000 km away from your home and leaving your family behind? And you can only go back and see them once a year. Does it hurt? Do you think you would never be able to do it?

I did it. And yes, it hurts! But it’s not the end of the world.

Let me tell you a story. My story. When war started in former Yugoslavia my ex wife and I decided to move out, anywhere. I applied for immigration to South Africa, Australia, Canada. We left to Sweden and we were there for 14 months. Finally in Sweden our immigration papers to Canada were approved and we came to Toronto.

My daughter was eight months old, we did not have money so I started working two days upon arrival. I washed dishes in a restaurant while I was learning the English language. It was tough but we had a bright future before us...

Twenty years after, I had a mortgage free condo and everything what I needed... and then my wife and I got divorced. But that's just another story.

At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets. 

Excuses, explanations and regrets are for the uninteresting, apologetic people, for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live and die.

The morning is gloomy, sky is covered with heavy clouds and it is unusually quiet as Toronto is still sleeping. I had some quiet time - focus, introspection, orientation. No kids yelling, no babies crying, no woman complaining, no television or music noise. Sitting in my pajamas I was drinking a coffee, smoking and shivering on the cold air.

Life? This bland little life I am dozing through.

What am I really doing? Nothing.

I'm just watching events roll out in front of my eyes. What else can I do? Something more important going? Like what? My plans? My career? My self-image fantasies?

The truth is I have nothing to do. I am alive, but I don't really have anything to do while alive. I have no ambition, nowhere to go, no one to be or become. I don't need to distract myself from anything or convince myself of anything. There is nothing that I think isn't as it should be, and I have no interest in how others see me. I have nothing to guide me.

I don't seem to be too bored or unhappy about it, so I guess it sounds weird.

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