Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Stuck in a moment I can't get out of

I deleted "I love you" post. It was not meant to be. I was with a woman who didn't saw my worth. I cried yesterday night when I realized it is over but I am not crying now. No, I'm not weird, messed up or wrong for loving her, just... last night I let her go.

I did not sleep much. I had a bad dream and I was waking up almost every hour, finally I got up at 7. Did not do yoga, went to work early. I have been in a very bad mood all day, sadness and melancholy were my predominant emotions. It came to my mind the U2 song "Stuck in a moment you can't get out of".

In 2011, I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and changes of my mood are usual occurrences. I have accustomed for this mood swings. Extra dopamine in my brain makes me so high, I don't need any drugs to be high, I am natural one. Yoga helps me to balance the level of dopamine to keep me down, well grounded. Sometimes from the heights of great feelings, euphoria and happiness I fall down to the despair, sadness and hopelessness. Nothing new, it will pass.

I came from work now and I am going to do the 15th yoga practice of this month. I am strong and flexible and I'll feel better after the practice. After I will go for a walk in High Park. I am turning my energy towards my vacation. Seven more day and I am gone fishing.

I'm going to contact my ex-girlfriend, the Angel, and ask her out. I have saying "the real love never dies, the unreal never existed" so I believe I might see her, we may actually have a date, who knows. I am also going to renew my membership at Life goes on, I can stay depressed or I can go out and enjoy the life, the choice is mine.

My left heel still hurts. Last week I bought a new shoes and wear it at work. The new shoes made a large blister on my left heel, I walked in flip flops for entire weekend. Old wound knows to hurt for a quite some time.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

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