Friday, September 22, 2017

The tiger has come too close, you see

O tiger’s heart wrapped in a woman’s hide! -William Shakespeare

It is Friday afternoon, I have come from the office and my work for this week is done. I will do yoga now,  shower and then lay down and have a nap. My girlfriend should come in the evening and we are going with my friends to a Japanese restaurant. I'm looking forward seeing her.

I am a friend with my girlfriend. I have not seen her in the last week and although we spoke on the phone every day, I am missing her a lot. That made me thinking... what are we? Am I in a long-distance relationship? Yes, we’re friends, but we’re certainly a bit different than average friends.

Sometimes it feels like we’re dating, but we’re not a common dating couple. In this world where everything is supposed to fit inside of a nice structured box, we don’t actually fit in the dating category so well. I have not met her friends and there is no intention from her side to change things. As a couple, we don’t really make sense.

It is so often assumed that a relationship worth something is going in a certain direction, growing and couple becomes more close to each other. But it feels like we are always at the beginning with no particular place to go.

No matter how genuine, kindhearted or caring she is, she's always going to be more aware of her own needs than she is of mine. I'm not her priority and I come as "nice-to-have" addition in her life. Her family, job, house, friends... her ex... her real estate agent, they come before me.

Friends, with and without benefits?... I have asked numerous times over the past year. Even without the traditional label of “couple”, I want to be with her ignoring and repressing things that bother me until they inevitably explode leaving a huge mess for us to clean up.

I'm ashamed of breaking up our relationship so many times. I break up just to find out that I love her more than I ever thought. She is an exceptional woman and I have strong feelings for her.

I have fallen in love. Maybe she feels this too. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she feels it in a different way or simply not at all. I'm not so sure. The truth is, it’s impossible for her to accepts me totally and stop hiding me from her life.

She is a busy woman and I have nothing but time on my hand. I will continue on this path with no destination, I think it is worth taking. And I admit, I yearn for more than what we are now, more than what we have so far.

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