Wednesday, October 18, 2017

When is it time to leave?

My dear, find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.

~ Falsely yours by Charles Bukowski

We live in a fast-paced society and as the result we all want everything to come as quickly as possible. We want to love here and now without any concerns about feelings. But love takes time to develop, it is not a process that cannot be accelerated. Loving someone requires time. It takes honesty, it requires some risks and it takes a tremendous amount of trust.

It looks like so easy. You meet the One, the love of your life, you get together and you live happily ever after. It is like a fairy tale, but even when you have learned there are no such thing as Tooth Fairy, so many of us still believe that once you meet the love of your life, you have to remain forever or else it doesn’t count.

Like most of you, I have had my share of relationships ranging from the memorable to the forgettable. The most memorable are, of course, my marriage but it didn’t last. Until recently, I classified it as a failed relationship. It is the one that I never speak about openly except after a couple of beers, as a warning to others, not do what I did.

I see how the capacity to love diminishes after divorce. We claim we want someone to love, yet we so easily walk away. We just move on to the next relationship. It appears sometimes that we are emotionally damaged forever.

Lately, though, I have come to a great realization - love has an end date. Better to be alone than in a bad and toxic relationship.

What if we are meant to have several relationships throughout our lifetime?

Do you believe there is only one person out there, who is right for you?

So far, I have not met a perfect couple; all I know is that they fight for years — only to split up in the end. In most cases, it wasn’t even anyone’s fault but rather they grew apart and found they no longer suited each other.

Therefore, wouldn’t it make sense to have more than one relationship?

Staying together forever is nice, but it tends to be the exception rather than the rule. I believe in Tooth Fairy and of course in Santa Claus but let me tell you... Easter Bunny is a stretch. 😉

Nine of ten of all relationships are not going to last. The relationship has a definitive end date. We change and others in our lives change too. Rather than seeing it as a failing thing lets pretend that it has a purpose.

Sometimes we just have to let it go because the happiness is somewhere else.

When is it time to leave?

1. If you’ve been hurt emotionally. Ignore excuses and apologies; if emotional violence has surfaced, it will surface again. Get out at the very first strike.

2. When you’re totally incompatible. If your partner’s dream one and you dream other dreams, one or both of you will probably be unhappy if you stay together. Relationships have a better chance at being successful with people whom we share similar values and goals.

3. When she isn’t even close to your fantasy. You may be tempted to stay with someone just because they’re available and willing, but this is generally a bad idea. There should be some chemistry in order to have a successful future.

4. When she just can’t say I like you. Even if there’s chemistry if someone can’t express their like for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the words “I like you,” you’ll never really feel satisfied with her.

5. When you’re afraid to be yourself. Being with the right person should bring out the best in you. It should help you to be less self-conscious and make you more open and alive. If you feel like you’re walking on eggs all the time because your partner is emotionally volatile and verbally abusive, it’s probably a sign that this is not the right relationship for you.

6. When your self-esteem is suffering. If your relationship is heavy, makes you feel bad about yourself, leaves you feeling like you’re not heard, and you’re getting more criticism than praise, then it’s time to end it. A good relationship makes you feel respected and loved, worthwhile and good about yourself.

7. When she says, “I need some space”. The relationship did not even start and your partner says something like, “I want time,” or “I want space,” or “I think you should wait”, or “I need to devote myself to my own feelings”. Almost always, what she means is “I want out”. If these things happen, don’t drag it out. Saying, “things will be better” does not mean anything. 

In our lives, people will come and go, and they will leave wounds. In order to release them, you must learn to heal yourself. To stop hoping. Please be yourself and forgive others. Close the door and stop looking over your shoulder. 

A thousand steps (Mil pasos)

One step, I leave forever
One strong step
One step forward

Two steps, I leave without looking at you
So far I stepped
Two steps, and I already forgot you.

Three steps, I am already toward the east,
To the south, to the west.
Three steps, I think it's a lot, It seems to me

And when will you be back?
-I will not return
When will you be back?
-I'm so far away already
When will you be back?
-One day or never.

And when will you be back?
-I took the first step
When will you be back?
-Above all, don't wait for me
When will you be back?
-One day or never.

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