Wednesday, November 7, 2018

I am not scared of getting old

In my life I am having simple goals - yoga practice, living healthy and saving money. Right now I am in the middle of November's yoga intensive. I am doing daily ashtanga half primary series for the entire month. I am 53, what I have? Something more important going? Like what? My plans? What plans? I have no plans, neither short term nor long term. My career? I have no interest improving myself...

I'm someone who has no big aspirations, I just want to be healthy and look good. And yoga is all that I have to keep me in a good physical and mental condition. It is November 7th, the end of the first week of my yoga intensive and I did 6 practices so far. I have to press on. Tomorrow is a moon day but I will step on the yoga mat and just do it. Fuck it.

The majority of the people of my age are overweight, busy with their work, under all kinds of stress, very serious and sarcastic. They follow sports and politics, they watch TV and news at 11 PM... The confidence goes down after hitting 50 and by age of 60, they are overweight and more likely to have all kinds of sickness. I have decided not to count myself in this general population of men. Except for the age, I have nothing in common with them.

I hate to say this but the more I look at people of my age the more ashamed I am part of this 50-something generation. I'm not buying it. Those, barbecue parties, kids education stories, big houses, big cars, big stomachs, laziness and sluggishness. Simple, I'm not buying their frustrations and  lifestyle.

What to say about the women of my age? Not much. They are not going out at all, I don't see them in the clubs and pubs. I think women over 45 need a special lifestyle change plan. Women need to go out more often and eat fewer calories and they need a lot of sex. The lack of sex, the hormonal changes and menopause make them edgy and mentally unstable.

I see life for what it is: a mere roller coaster of ups and downs, chronic search for happiness, dissatisfaction, always pretending you are happy and successful. I slip into this life that is laid out for me the way a foot slip in the shoe. I decide nothing, there is no choice, I live this by default. I don't know any better, and I don't know the reason why I don't know any better.

Yes, I do yoga, read "I am That" and other classical spiritual literature. I am trying to be aware, to hold onto I AM, to observe myself, I believe that we create the experience of our own reality. I look at the world through the glasses of my own thoughts. Right?

I have come to the point of understanding and I openly say - Hey, wait a minute, this is nuts! I want to get out of this merry-go-round circle. Work is not everything in my life, it brings money and that's it. I work as much as I need to pay my bills.  I am still in debt and I want to pay it off by the end of this year. But I cannot always rely on my plans.

If you don't know which road to take, you don't pay attention to the crossroads...  the un-examined life, said Socrates, is not worth living. That is some serious shit. It almost offends. Who lives a conscious, examined life? Where are the people living examined lives? Lives worth living? I do the examination of my life and I see it for what it is.

If I take Socrates to mean the stagnated, home-work-home, repetitive life is not worth living, then he is saying that most people's lives are not worth the bother. And that should be a bit of encouragement a good news for me. If others are the same as me then it not so bad. 

The universe will give me whatever I want. That is how it works. It can't be otherwise. I don't have to be worthy, but I do have to know what it is that I want. I'm not an advanced yoga practitioner, a fitness teacher, or a healthy diet guru, not even a great blog writer. I write here what I'm interested in at present moment. I have no advice for you. Do whatever you want to do. As for myself, I'm not totally out of touch with conscious living.

Society has taught you not to see wisdom and experience in old age. So when the inevitable truth of aging confronts you in the mirror you don’t react well. Consequently, the ultimate compliment has become, “Oh, you don’t look your age!” Fuck that! I am not scared of getting old.

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