Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy New Year !!!

I'm not quite sure what we should be happy about but it is a common saying. New year have started, new hopes, expectations and resolutions have began and they will last to the end of January or maybe even less. The truth is that we are one year older, nothing else.

I'm not in a good mood this morning. I did a lot of thinking at the end of 2017. The vacation in Punta Cana was nice, relaxing and I had a great time with my girlfriend. After 17 months of dating my girlfriend and we have came to a point where our relationship either goes on next level or it just falls apart.

I spoke with her a lot about this in Punta Cana. I wanted to clear my mind. I would like to live with her and that is not possible. So there is a danger that New Year may bring separation, I mean, I love her but in 2018 she can become nothing but a stranger again.

I annoyed myself last week, I was uncertain and she did not have right words to calm me down. For most relationships that don’t last, there is a clear beginning, middle and end. You meet, you spend time with one another getting to know each other, you have a fun relationship (or not), and then you begin to fall apart.

Yet the problem isn’t in how relationship ends but rather how we overcome the problems. She takes a lot of care how others see her. And there our story ends.

On vacation and after, I presented to her what I really am. Underneath my shiny parts, my simplicity I showed her my fears, complications and my deepest secrets. I stayed naked in front of her... as an earthly creature with all my mistakes...

I want her for the rest of my life but the thing is, not all relationships are meant to be. Sometimes we need to end the relationship in order to experience a new level of intimacy and freedom that wouldn’t have been found otherwise.

This morning she picked up all her stuff from my apartment, we kissed and she left home. She left back to her daily life. Last seven days we lived a borrowed, imagined time. She has her family to take care of, her problems and I'm left where I was before meeting her.

I looked her so closely, I hugged her wondering how long we will stayed together, curious as to why I have no courage to finish it right now. In the last week I have realized more than ever that our relationship is a mere projection, it's not reality.

And in this heartbreaking moments I did realize something else... I become clear that if I cannot be with her I'll not be with anyone else, I'll stay alone. And baby, it’s all about keeping it simple.

Sometimes, I'm not able to see where and what went wrong until I'm actually out of the situation. However, I know that she is more incredible than she was showing me. I don't expect she will change in any way. I love her and I respect her decision to go with her life as she thinks is the best suits her... I only see there is a very little place there for me.

All is good, it's fine, it defines not only what our relationship is, but also what the love is.

Happy New Year...

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