Tuesday, January 23, 2018


Should I cool it or should I blow?

My birthday is at the end of March and then I'll be 53, officially. When teenagers talk about old people they're actually talking about my generation, they talk about me. I don't care, fuck them. As I sit with my coffee on this Tuesday evening, reflecting upon my life and recent events, I'm writing this with feeling of indifference. I'm neither sad nor happy of my age and I'm not looking for getting any younger. I'm simply unemotional.

The culinary experts face one great dilemma: why life in this world tastes like chicken? They're curious, did love and hate for life evolve independently or did they both inherit chicken-less from a common ancestor?

I've been deluding myself into thinking that for the past decade I'm still 35. I feel young but the numbers don't lie. I'm beginning to understand the nature of old age, dissatisfaction, depression, emptiness and tiredness of this bullshit society which poisoned food, air and water, and made me a slave. I feel my life is just about survival with little or nothing to show.

Look at it... I wake up in the morning to do another day of activities I'm suppose to do and get things done. It starts with the morning coffee then a sweaty yoga practice. Then I go to the office where I perform pointless tasks to secure my daily bread.

After long hours, after 5 pm, I'm back home. I eat cold food and I spend my time on the internet reading pointless articles about spirituality and who knows what. And then I write this blog who nobody reads or work on my android app who nobody uses.

I am an honest guy, I see my life for what it is: chain of events that go up and down like a roller-coaster. True, I try to follow my own way but that does not make any difference - the life is bound by brief satisfaction and chronic unhappiness.

Today, I was thinking about my retirement. I went to Sun Life site and I looked at the numbers. It says, if I continue to work as I did so far, by 65 I'll have something more than $1800 per month. Fuck, if I work as I did so far, I cannot survive. I must pay off the mortgage in order to live with that amount. And in order to pay off the mortgage I must pay over $20K every year for next 10 years. Impossible.

So, my conclusion is there will be no retirement for me. I don't play any lottery so I have nothing to hope for. Which is a good thing. Real spirituality! Living in the moment. Joy, peace, creativity. When I finish this rant I'll go for a walk at High Park, yesterday I had a coffee at Starbucks  and two days ago I cut my hair. You see, I live vibrantly... keeping inner balance, releasing bitterness, forgiving others.

Hey, that brings me: one time, (when my fucking divorce happen) I went through some painful things I tried to be an observer in HIGHER SELF (capital letters) not just this lowercase self shit. I was the Higher Self, the observer, and I breathe. Yes, Prana when things went tough. I've heard that breathing is healthy. Particularly breathing in and out, it went so well for me. I'm grateful for New Age teaching. Really.

This is it. In coming years I will be the Highest Self possible. I'm going to breath, in and out, loving where I am, surrendering to the present moment. And I'll like it. I'm practicing it right now.

(like I have a choice to be anything else)

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