Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Test is always about the heart...

Yesterday evening, my dentist extracted me two tooth (or teeth, I really don't know English) I do feel pain now. I went to sleep around 11 p.m. but pain woke me up and now it is around 3 a.m. I am going to write about Buddha. 😏

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha

By definition, a person can't be bipolar and have schizophrenia at the same time but sometimes I think that Buddha was a classical example of a guy with shizoaffective disorder. I mean, "do not dwell in the past", "do not dream of the future", "concentrate mind on present moment". What a fuck?

I live present life because of the choices I've made in the past. I must know my own past in order to move forward. Each new day presents opportunity to become a new person on a road destined for future. I say, Buddha is so wrong, don't simply forget the past. There are valuable lessons to be learned from the past events. And those who choose to review and see their past are most prepared to live life to the fullest in the present.

Life changing events do happen. They are important crossroads that change the course of life from that day forward.

Four years ago, on January 7, I received final divorce papers. My previous life has been organized around my family, and when my ex in the end of June 2013, announced that she does not have a future with me anymore, I felt lost for awhile. I've been married for many years and a shift in this area of my life had profound implications. I went through the separation and divorce, whether I wanted to or not. I changed my roles in life. I am not a husband anymore.

Anytime the role changes in life, the identity feels threatened, and it disrupts the normal flow. This was a hard transition for me. My marriage ended and I accepted it and now I have a new life as a new person. I have become independent and less in need of other people.

Three years ago my mother died. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in April 2014. I was with her in August of that year and in the end of November and I spent my time with her in hospital, watched her fading away. The illness and death are natural occurrences in life, especially as we get older, but I was never fully prepared for her death. My mother passed away quietly and my life is irrevocably changed on many levels.

Two years ago was my 50th birthday. Being 50 years old is traumatic and it forced you to think about your life in a different way. I've already realized that I've passed the mid-point, and my life wasn't going to go on forever. This experience is deep and powerful and it bringing out many different feelings.

I do live for today, but sorry Buddha, I want to plan for the future too. Planning for tomorrow is setting intention, dissolving this self-limiting beliefs, allowing the natural expression of joy, love and creativity to bring something new in my life.

I have decided to dedicate the rest of my life talking and writing about truth regardless of what others think. Truth is infinitely simple:

    "I" or "me" or personal self does not exist; personal self is an illusion.
    Nothing in this world is true.
    The life is a dream and the meaning of life is whatever you give it.
    The purpose of life is to enjoy simple existence.

So my life is simple with lots of physical activities. I do yoga everyday and try to eat healthy, etc. etc... but also I want to buy two bedroom apartment. I want to spend more time with my girlfriend... I want to visit Barcelona and Madrid this year. And without detailed, careful plan and financial calculation, saving money and having time, I cannot accomplish anything. Concentrating in the present moment is so nice on a philosophical, theoretical level but it is unrealistic.

Our creative imagination is the doorway to the infinity of our being and the doorway to the exploration of our infinite conscious mind and the unseen realms of Creation. Our creative imagination is infinitely vast and can provide us a never ending journey of exploration and the potential to experience whatever we can conceive. -  K. Ferlic

In the end of April I will take a week of vacation and just do yoga twice a day, walk in High Park and enjoy simple existence. I will spend time planning, observing, calculating, walking and practicing. I'm focused on starting the next chapter of my life but I'm not stopping reading the last one.

I have been reading the last chapter very carefully, practicing detachment and having in mind the impermanence of everything. It is a big shit, I mean, detachment and impermanence. Doesn’t that mean that I am not being a caring person? I mean really, no attachment - it just seems plain cold.

I 'm not a Buddhist, I don't like Buddhism. It is impractical. I'm closing old chapters of my life by thinking how lucky I was to experience love in this life. I stopped thinking about my losses as I have now learned some things are better to finish. In the end what matters most is: How well did I live, how well did I love, how well did I enjoy this illusion...

There comes a moment in every life when the Universe
presents you with an opportunity
to rise above your potential.
An open door that only requires the heart to walk through,
seize it and hang on.
The choice is never simple.
It’s never easy.
It’s not supposed to be.
But those who travel this path have always looked back and realized
that the test was always about the heart...

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