Saturday, April 14, 2018

I Am A Contradictory Person

Saturday, April 14th, it is almost 2 p.m. I am still in pajamas. I got up around noon. Last night I was with friends to Fancy Kafana in Mississauga and we stayed until 2:30 a.m. I was drunk and I had a good time, dancing on the floor in front of live music.

Now I have a headache. I just took vitamin C and a lemon with full glass of water. I hope the headache will pass. This brings me to the main issue of my life. I drink, smoke and eat a lot, true, I also do yoga. 5 practices this week and I am going to do a practice when I finish this post.

Outside is -3 C, freezing rain has covered the grounds in Toronto like a snow. It is windy, cold and there is no indication that spring will come soon. The forecast for next week is not promising.

Anyway, back to the main issue of my life... well I am a contradictory man. I am a man with a combination of statements, ideas and features of life situations that are opposed to one another. I am a person with inconsistent behavior.

Take for example my desire to get rid of belly fat. I've started strict diet since Tuesday but the last night I ate and drunk so much so I actually gain 2 kg. My weight scale does not lie. Another example is my wish to reduce smoking so I decided to go out on the balcony and smoke only there but as I type this I keep the cigarettes in my hand.

WTF. I admit, I am a fool, all the time. It’s just I'm an idiot a different kind each day. I think, I’m not a fool today. I’ve learned my lesson. I was a fool yesterday but not this moment. Then tomorrow I find out that, yes, I was a fool then too. I think the only way I can continue with this world is to accept the fact I'm not perfect so I can live accordingly.

I have concluded that is the best. Let the things flow out of its own. I accept the fact that I am a contradictory man. I try to save money and then, out of blue, I spend so much without ever wondering the reason for that.

But my friends I am a happy guy. Deep inside I really love my life and I have so much happiness. I dance and sing during a day. I am a healthy and I am proud of my yoga. I love my girlfriend, and I enjoy my time when I am with her. I also enjoy the time when I am on my own, quiet reading and recently I have started to watch various documentaries on Netflix. I love them.

And I observe other people. I see they are not satisfied. I am satisfied, maybe I would like to have less belly fat but other than that all is good. I don't work hard, I enjoy in what I do, I love my job. I am happy, never busy and I've stopped looking for the next big thing. There is no such thing.

So I'm feeling your pain my dear reader, because just like you, once I was going after so many things: my career and education, creative, personal and spiritual development, my relationships, health and wellness. Just like you I had some fun once in awhile!

But, I stopped running. I don't give a shit for superficial goals. I have seen that I am my own greatest enemy. It is I that doubt, complicate life, cloud my mind with unimportant thoughts and negativity, punish myself, hate myself and then I feel sorry for myself because the world is making my life a living hell. Fuck it, life is tough for everyone.

Yup, I am a contradictory guy.. so fucking what?

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