Sunday, May 6, 2018

Alone With My Thoughts

My daughter

It is Sunday evening. I am alone with my thoughts. It was such a nice weekend. But lets rewind my life story a bit. On Wednesday night I met my girlfriend and in casual conversation she mentioned that she is thinking not to go to Barcelona due to family responsibilities. Actually she was preparing me for a bad news. As you know I was talking about that trip for awhile on these pages and I took her words very seriously. That night, my mind went very far and it brought all my dissatisfaction with my relationship back. I asked her for a breakup on Thursday morning.

I am not a guy who likes fights and who argues a lot. I make decision quickly and I try to cut the bullshit at the very moment I see it. Sometimes I make wrong decisions because I am so fast in making them but I am also okay at admitting my own mistakes. On Friday I texted her and we agreed to see each other in the evening.

She came, we talked and we had a wonderful night. We went to sleep at 3 a.m. I love her. Despite her situation, her obligation towards family, cultural differences and having no future our relationship is strong and we're having such a nice time together.

On Saturday my daughter came and I made a dinner for her. She knows my girlfriend very well so three of us had a drink or two. We laughed a lot and then my daughter went to downtown and  we went to meet my friends at Dark Horse, we had a dinner and we watch Raptors vs Cavaliers. We came home after midnight had one beer more and went to sleep.

My girlfriend returned to her home around noon today. I cleaned apartment, washed dishes and made everything in order again. Now, I am happy and sad at the same moment. Love hurts. I realized when you really love somebody you are so open to wounds.

It feels as if I must have got it all wrong. After all, so far I was accustomed to thinking of love as an overwhelmingly positive experience, something that happens to me as the source of great happiness. I thought love is what romantic stories and fairy-tale endings describe, an intense, all-consuming desire to be together, but that is not love.

You will not find her photos here on my blog, she will not change her mind, her way of living or anything else for me. We will not go to Barcelona but I'm willing to accept her as she is. But it is not always so easy. When she is about to go home I am sad and this is where some of the hurt comes. Those moments requires incredible effort for me to accept, and truly to understand my relationship with her. Loving her means that I must change, and change, even when it’s for the best, is a painful process.

I'm asking myself, is it worth it, is it worth putting energy in this dead-end relationship? Probably not, but who cares... I miss her when she is not around.

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