Thursday, May 10, 2018

Being bored brings the best in me...


Things are going nowhere
...with the greater and greater speed.

The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. There is nothing here to be achieved. I have the life to enjoy it. Boring is good, especially when it comes to life. "May you live in interesting times" is too much.

I like this "no excuses, no explanations, no regrets". It sounds so powerful but it is just empty, meaningless sentence. They say excuses, explanations and regrets are for the uninteresting, apologetic people, for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live and die. What a fuck?

I just woke up. It is 15 minutes after midnight. My balcony door is open and fresh air is coming, it is unusually quiet. I'm smoking and having time for focus, introspection, orientation. The best part about living alone is that you really don't have to answer to anybody. No kids yelling, no babies crying, no wife complaining, no television or any other noise. Sitting in my pajamas I am drinking espresso.

I don't like to be called a nice guy.

True, I'm attractive, tall, cute, giving, all the best, but there’s something that I just can’t accept, something that makes me want to vomit, it is in the moment when I am called a nice guy.

If I prefer, I do prefer being called an asshole. I feel more freedom like that. Women do want a nice, kind and loving man BUT no one is nice all of the time except for bullshiters. But women want bullshiters, the ones who are too willing to compromise and never push back...

Whatever, I don't know why I am writing this.

I'm just watching events roll out in front of my eyes. What else can I do? Something more important going? Like what? My plans? My future? My self-image fantasies? The truth is I have no future. I am writing this pages almost daily, but I don't really have anything to share with any of you. I have no ambition to really introduce myself to anyone. My last post, the thing that matters the most, has no views so.. what do you expect?

And, there is nothing that I find that isn't as it should be.

My most memorable quote from the book... is here, Carlos Castaneda...

Don Juan asked me: "Could you love forever, beyond death? Without the slightest reinforcement - nothing in return? Could you love without investment, for the piss of it? You'll never know what it's like to love like that, relentlessly. Do you really want to die without knowing?"

"Before I die, I have to know what it's like to love" I replied.

He said, "You mean there are still the woman you want to fuck."

 - Carlos Castaneda

I don't seem that I am too bored or unhappy about my life, so I guess it... all is okay. I am afraid of finding the truth. I usually know a lot more than what I give myself credit for. Deep down, I already know the truth, and it’s not always pretty - rarely is.


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