Tuesday, May 15, 2018

In the end, someone always leaves

Goodbye ...  

Last Sunday I found out that my ex-wife is dating again. She has a boyfriend. She told me the news and I was surprised. She came with my daughter to my apartment to get a lamp for living room. I made dinner and we were talking just about everything. I have not seen her for about a year and we do not text so we had a lot things to talk about. When I heard the news I didn't feel anything, just surprise.

I remember our marriage as essentially a marriage of two strangers, we were together 22 years while each of us remained utterly alone, pervaded by the deep sense of insecurity, anxiety and guilt.

After the separation, I wanted to be a friend with her but she refused any contact. I have realized that she has planned divorce a long time before she actually told me that we do not have a future together.

Anyway, I don't want to sound pathetic, much less nostalgic. We did have some good time so I find it necessary to see things as it is. It is true, we didn't have a future together.

Someone told that the most perfect relationship is the one that supports you in fulfilling your destiny. Wow serious shit, really. Destiny!

I used to believe that if two people loved each other, things would work out. As I got older and wiser, I understood that the “love” is nothing else but demanding, repressing, and controlling. But I have to admit, I'm not an expert in these matters, I don't even know what kind of real, mature love looks like.

I grew up on romantic movies with happy endings and romance novels where passion takes over logic. In those movies, no matter how difficult the circumstances around the couple were, they would somehow resolve those issues and walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

After my marriage I had a 2 years relationship of constant breakups with The Angel. For example we were together for a month and then we did not see each other for two months...

When I was with The Angel I have started to wonder why do I need a girlfriend.

The relationship become complicated so that I must explain myself more and more. It reminds me of everything that I hated in my marriage. I was feeling that I was losing my freedom and independence.

Since I am divorced I don't have too much of patience in relationship. I don't want to have it. Finally, I have started to enjoy my time alone. I am free and I can do whatever I want with my life and suddenly, because I've allowed it, there is another person telling me what I need to do. I can not accept that.

Feeling wanted and making myself useful to her sounds great. I've got a lot of love to give her, I think. But If I feel that I'm attached to her and that she is the most important thing to me... the bell in my mind rings. Showing affection or love to her, is never a bad thing, but being attached to her beyond my own interest is something completely different.

The relationship with the Angel was a great at certain moments. I could continue playing nice and "all is okay", darling and sweetheart, follow her whenever she wants to go, pay the bills and be quiet, or I could stop that and stand for my freedom... I've chosen the later.

When you’re desperately holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. What love wants for the other person is happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel alone.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

I was in love with the Stranger. That was very appropriate name for her. She was a Stranger, indeed. She did not like that someone is in love with her, she told me and I don't know the reason for that. At the time, I could not change my feelings but unfortunately,  being in love usually doesn't last forever...

We planned Mexico trip together and then I cancelled it...

Last night at 9:10 PM I broke up with the Stranger. I send her the message and there is no response. All is good, life goes on.

I don’t love her anymore, she has killed all the feelings I've had for her. I don’t see the point being with her.

Maybe she thinks intimacy lies in a picture of a smiley face. Maybe she thinks to like another person the “good morning” text is enough. Maybe she thinks romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe she just need to reinvent herself. Maybe romance is still there, she just don’t know what it looks like.

Commitment. Intimacy. “I love you.” I did it. I thought I found it. I've lived my life wanting to be with her. I told people I'm in a relationship. I shared my happiness, shiny pictures of a happy couple. The world was perfect.

Then, I saw other happy, shiny couples and I compared our relationship with them. I realized that I will never be good enough for her, because what she's trying to measure up just does not fucking exist. Her love does not exist. Our relationship does not exist. Yet, I couldn't believe it. But I've seen it with my own eyes. And, I've wanted it. And, I made myself miserable.

So, I broke up.

I broke up because I'm not good enough, my life and my look aren’t good enough for her so my relationship with her isn’t good enough. “Good morning” texts. Intimacy. Couple selfies. Empty phone calls... The inevitable source of subtle dissatisfaction.

The thoughts started “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” “This isn’t working.” “I need something more.”... And, I broke up.

Another love lost. Another graveyard of shiny, happy couple.

Tomorrow I am going for vacation. Alone, but with the peace of mind.

Yup. That's it. 😍

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