Monday, August 27, 2018

Upward Facing Dog!!!

I often dream that I fly. I just get from the ground and fly in room or outside in open field. The flying envelops me. I can feel the wind, the coldness of air... It is so pleasant but it does not continue for long. And then I wake up, but where?

I don't just think this, I actually voice the question to myself - Where am I? As if I didn't know: I'm here. In my life. Events and the world that is my existence. Not that I particularly approve or disapprove these matters, this condition, this state of affairs in which I am describing here...

I must confess. I am a quite happy guy.

I know what you are thinking: well, you should be happy, you are smart and handsome, you look good for your age, you are healthy... Yes, what you're saying is quite true, yet, my happiness is for another reason...

I am a single. I'm free again. There is something more bitter than loneliness - it is being in a  relationship with a  woman who was not interested in the world I want to see and share.

It's extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any meaning, that life is essentially meaningless. It's very disillusioning to get that no matter what I might accomplish, it disappears like smoke in the air; that no matter what work I might attempt to perform, it's all insignificant in the end.

I really get this but I realized one more thing, because life has no meaning, because nothing really matters at all and everything is purposeless, then my worries and stress don't really matter either.

After writing a blog for almost 6 years I came to realization that whatever I may think I have understood, whatever is my knowledge, it is all bullshit. All teachings, practices, instructions are ideas. A grand idea is that I am growing up, becoming better and wiser, and I have come this way, that way. All that is bullshit.

I am only moving in ignorance, as long as I don't see my own helplessness, my life has no meaning. To become more and more convinced, to get more understanding about the falseness of life and the world, at the same time means to get more understanding of my true nature, and that is the only thing that matters.

What I really want is to live simple, stress-free, healthy life. No more wasting time to prove something. I have walked away from opinions of others, not because I don’t care, but because they don’t. I accepted the fact that no one really cares about me. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s necessary for waking up.

I have no desire to make a difference in this world, I am only concerned how to live my life truthfully when everything around myself are lies and hypocrisy. I am consistent, I have a goal, an abstract goal, the one that is impossible to accomplish, the one that no one understands. And yet, I am striving to accomplish it.

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