Monday, May 28, 2018

Upward Facing Dog!!!


Last weekend was uneventful. I was going out every night since Wednesday, met my friends, drank beer, worked a lot and spent more than $500 for the restaurants alone. Yesterday, I worked from 9 to 4, supporting production release. My girlfriend has her own obligations with her family, kids and social activities. We met briefly on Friday morning and the rest I was on my own.

Next Sunday I am traveling to Mexico, Mayan Riviera, for a 14 days vacation. Since my divorce I have been going to the Caribbean every year, always with my girlfriend. This is the first time that I will be there with my friend and his son. I hope it will be a good vacation. I will do yoga everyday, eat healthy, swim a lot and try to lose weight. Of course it will be lot of drinking but being on the sun, outside for entire day should do its thing.


It's extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any meaning, that life is essentially meaningless. It's very disillusioning to get that no matter what I might accomplish, it disappears like smoke in the air; that no matter what work I might attempt to perform, it's all insignificant in the end. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow then in a year or so. In a hundred years all people that I know will be dead, including myself. The whirling clusters of galaxies don't even notice us.

I really get this but I realized one more thing, because life has no meaning, because nothing really matters at all and everything is purposeless, then my worries and stress don't really matter either.

I will not write this blog for awhile, so please be patient. My daughter, yoga and this blog are most important in my life. The blog is here for myself to give me orientation for the future and a retrospective of the past making me aware of the present. It is my motivation for daily yoga practice. It is also a place where I can describe my life as it is, my inner thoughts without being afraid of what anyone think.


After writing a blog for almost 6 years I came to realization that whatever I may think I have understood, whatever is my knowledge, it is all bullshit. Pardon my vulgarity. All teachings, practices, instructions are ideas. A grand idea is that I am growing up, becoming better and wiser, and I have come this way, that way. All that is bullshit.

There is no change in myself whatsoever except gray hair. I am only moving in ignorance, as long as I don't see my own helplessness, my life has no meaning. To become more and more convinced, to get more understanding about the falseness of myself, life and the world, at the same time means to get more understanding of my true nature, and that is the only thing that matters.


What I really want is to live simple, stress-free, healthy life. No more wasting time to prove something. I have walked away from opinions of others, not because I don’t care, but because they don’t. I accepted the fact that no one really cares about me. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s necessary for waking up.

I have no desire to make a difference in this world, I am only concerned how to live my life truthfully when everything around myself are lies and hypocrisy. I am consistent, I have a goal, an abstract goal, the one that is impossible to accomplish, the one that no one understands. And yet, I am striving to accomplish it.

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