Saturday, June 30, 2018

Bella ciao, bella ciao, bella ciao ciao ciao

I have nothing to give to the world. What do I have to give? Life is merely a bunch of responsibilities, work, bills, kids, occasional sex and endless fight for who-will-control-who. The best part of my life was what I experienced in my college years and now I am in for a boring and depressing future.

If you have nothing to do, listen to this music and read the rest of the post...

What you fear the most, usually happens. When I was married I feared divorce. The truth is... my heart was crying out for more life. More love, passion, adventure and definitely more craziness, but I didn't know what that meant or how to fulfill the urge for the freedom. All I knew is that I was married and I had fear. But deeply down in my gut I knew one day I will divorce.

I met my ex on April 4th, 1991. She was beautiful. At that time I had a two-years long relationship with another girl but that relationship was coming to the end. Since I met my ex I could not stop thinking about her. Two weeks later, I brought her a red rose for her birthday and we started relationship in June 1991. I'll always remember the April 4th, I know she does not but that's okay.

Five years ago, after 22 years of being together, she spoke out and informed me, with the bone-chilling realization, that our marriage wasn’t going to work out.

"We don't have a future together" was her answer when I asked her what bothers her. I knew that our relationship is not the best one but... She was nervous and bitter for days so it all ended that Sunday. She also said we are heading for divorce and that, too, will pass.

This, too, will pass. What is it about these simple words that makes them so powerful?

Looking at it superficially, it would seem while those words may provide some comfort in a bad situation, they would also diminish the enjoyment of the good things in life. “Don't be too happy, because it won't last.” This seems to be what they are saying when applied in a situation that is perceived as good.

... These words have a deeper purpose: to make you aware of the fleetingness of every situation, which is due to the transience of all forms – good or bad. When you become aware of the transience of all forms, your attachment to them lessens, and you disidentify from them to some extent.

- Eckhard Tolle, A New Earth

I sat listening in silence because I knew she was right. And that was the death of our relationship, the death of a dream I had held since I met her. It was the end of relationship of two people who have loved each other, however imperfectly, who have tried to make a life together, however imperfectly, who have lived side by side and watched the wrinkles slowly form at the corner of the other's eyes.

You know, it takes two to destroy a marriage. Marriage isn't a love affair. It isn't a honeymoon. It's a job. A long hard job, at which both partners have to work, harder than they've worked at anything in their lives before.

You are no longer living outside to satisfy the material needs. Rather, you are searching inward for fulfillment of your spiritual growth. The sharing of your life in marriage is good to the certain point and then it leads toward spiritual stagnation.

You share your life with somebody because you feel that you grow spiritually. The length of time it takes to complete your growth with your spouse will vary with each individual’s needs. For some it will be a lifetime, for others, much less. If the time should come when you need to move on, you must let go of marriage gracefully.

The main point to grasp is that you have projected onto yourself a world of your own imagination, based on memories, on desires and fears, and that you have imprisoned yourself in it. Break the spell and be free.

This world is painted by you on the screen of consciousness and is entirely your own private world. Only your sense 'I am', though in the world, is not of the world.

Once you realize that the world is your own projection, you are free of it. You need not free yourself of a world that does not exist, except in your own imagination!

However is the picture, beautiful or ugly, you are painting it and you are not bound by it. Realize that there is nobody to force it on you, that it is due to the habit of taking the imaginary to be real. See the Imaginary as imaginary and be free of fear.

- Nisargadatta Maharaj

We are now two strangers. She has changed color of her hair, she has a boyfriend, she has her own life. I saw her on my daughter's graduation and I did not know what to say. She became someone I don’t recognize. We have crossed that invisible line between closeness and disinterest.

I realized that I have never knew her. We spoke a lot but we did not say anything to each other. Our behavior in relationships was a powerful and accurate mirror of our inner states. Unfortunately, it is mostly the projection of our own imbalances.

And that's it...

Happy Anniversary!!!

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