Tuesday, June 12, 2018

I need to change

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in August 2010. I had a psychic episode when I was walking for 36 hours straight, without sleep or rest. I just did not want to go home... my ex reported me as a missing person so police pick me up almost two days later.

Ever since that episode I have been put on various medications and in the last 5 years I am stabilized at 5 mg Abilify.

I do not want to go into details is psychic episode a kind of spiritual awakening. There are many, many articles about that so if you are interested check them out. I don't care about it. I take abilify pill and I forget about being bipolar.

Having said that I have to add that I am really careful and vigilant of thoughts. I try to be a conscious human being driven by humility and care for my family and friends.

If I put aside the spiritual awakening, meditation practice and various other mind exercises I have done prior to my psychic episode, and look what is the main cause of my mental health problem, i do find that an unloving marriage, a toxic relationship with my ex, was a source of everything.

I had a marriage where I lived with a person that I do not know. We lived like a two strangers with occasional sex. No holding hands on the street, no public kisses and no too much show of emotions and loving feelings.

My marriage ended in 2013 but it is interesting that the same thing is repeating itself. At present I am in most serious relationship after marriage and although due to different circumstances I do see the same unloving feelings. I have adjusted my attitude to the situation so there is no surprise and the Abilify certainly helps.

I trust people so easily. To a friend, I would give everything what I have. But being open and honest are not always appreciated in today's society. People very easily take an advantage of me so I really see myself as a very stupid person. I must change and handle things in a different way.

I write a blog because a psychiatrist told me to do so. He said the writings will help me to understand how my mind works. But I am still not there yet.

I do see general threads of me being open and welcoming to somebody just to be disapponted with their behaviour the other moment and I became suspicious and distant. All my friends, my girlfriend, former girlfriends even my ex wife are reading this blog and they can understand exactly what I am saying.

I need to change. In what way I still do not know. At this moment, I am not sure how to proceed so I am writing this. Should I stop being open to others, should I stop trusting people? Should I be a selfish, greedy bastard? I can be anything what I want. The plan is still being formulated.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. I had 2 or 3 cigarettes on the balcony, I had no particular thought about anything, i just looked sun coming slowly up. I have put all to the Universe.

I do not like my current situation. I know what is wrong but I have no solution for it. So I'm waiting...

In mean time, the plan is to do 2 yoga practices today and to swim 20 pool lengths in two attempts, 10 pool distances each.

Yup, just another day in the paradise.

Share Share on Facebook Tweet Share on Google+

like on facebook
Most Popular: