Monday, December 17, 2018

The End of 2018

The photo of the year... April 2018

The end of the 2018 is coming. Two more weeks and I will be 54 years old. Scary shit.

I don't have old photos. I destroyed all paper photos during a period of my spiritual search. I have done a complete recapitulation of my life and as part of that technique I burned my old photographs so I have no attachment to my past.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, I had no idea what really matters in life.

At age of 29, I arrived in Canada with my eight months old daughter, my wife and $10K cash money. I was learning English and I worked hard as a dishwasher to support family. My wife did not work. After a year of making salads and washing dishes I got my job as a computer programmer. I bought our first condo in 1999 which I paid off ten years later, and just couple of years later I got divorced.

In 2018 I had 25 days at Caribbean... yes that was a long vacation

I hear people of my age talking about retirement, pension plans, and future in general. They are very much afraid of what will happen to them. They are afraid of getting old. I do not worry about such things. What is the future after all? An imagination. The future does not exist, it is just in the mind. People lose present moment worrying about the future, worrying about something that does not exist.

I am free to say that I have discovered the truth - nothing has value in this life. Events arouse desire, fear, anger, and you think it is "you". You get stuck talking to yourself, explaining, hoping, trying to find any meaning in all this.

Life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens has little or no importance. People are born, they live their pity lives... they eat, shit, fuck, work and work and work more until they die.

In 2018 I made my last will. Upon my death my body is to be cremated and ashes spread in water and earth. No reminder of my existence should be left. That's my last will.

I have only a few people in my life that I really care for, my daughter, sister, father, niece... I love my daughter the most and I try to help her as much as I can.

In my last will I left everything that I have to my daughter.

To find the truth, to see what is real and to lead a genuine life is a goal of everyone. Life is rarely straightforward as we may wish. Life is both profound and simple, yet process of understanding it tends to be very difficult, if not downright complicated.

A great secret of life is that we exists not in order to achieve something but actually to simplify things. We are here to cut through our crowded thoughts and paranoia, to cut through our confusions and doubts.

 I try so hard to give her the advice about life. 

Two huge mistakes we make in life!

The heart of all confusions is that we have a sense of self which seems to us to be continuous and solid. When a thought or feelings or event occurs, there is a sense of someone being conscious of what is happening.

The sense of self is actually imagination, transitory and discontinuous "thing". So we end up with this confused view as being real, we struggle to maintain it and do everything possible to enhance this "solid" sense of self. We try to feed it with pleasures and shield it from pain.

So our life became endless pursuit of physical comfort, security and pleasure. We've organized society in this way - we try to control the nature, we fear change, we try to avoid irritations at all costs.

We always search for the "reason", why things happen the way they happen. We try to rationalize, justify, find set of rules, find interpretation of how and why things happen as they do. And doing that we actually do not see things as they are.

Our interpretation of reality is taken too seriously, so our world looks very much static and rigid place to live in. Such a solid world reassures us that we are a solid, "something", continuous as well. The world exists so therefore we, the seers of the world, exist.

 We are not progressing anywhere, instead we are just getting older. 

Hopes and expectations are our main enemies!

We must get rid of our hopes and expectations as well as our fears. Drop altogether the idea of security and see the irony of our attempts to secure yourself.

Accept yourself as you are, instead of what you would like to be. Fear, hope, loss, gain, good, bad - these are on-going actions of our current life, the self-maintaining structure of our own self-deception

The truth is... we exists only in the NOW. When we face things as they are we have no hope of something better to come. We actually living.

Give up the memories and imagination and be nothing, understand nothing, do nothing. No one is coming to save you, to the extent that no one is going magically to enlighten you. The life is a lonely road and you travel alone. You may have a companion or not but you must know, no one will take care of you at the end.

The life experiences are your product and living is nothing else but the process of dismantling, undoing, opening, giving up, of everything. It is the end of struggle to be "something". Once you give up the struggle there is no one left to conquire it.

We have to give up trying to defend and improve ourselves.

The world is reflection of ourselves!

All fears come from uncertainty of who we are, from the panic of forgetfulness. We distrust ourselves, feeling that we are inadequate to deal with that mysterious life that is threatening us. What will happen to us?

The world reflects our uncertainty and our fears. The world is a mirror projection of ourselves! Our uncertainty is haunting us. To know this, it is wisdom.

We must enjoy the world and stop being afraid of ourselves by cultivating the good sense of humor. We have to understand and accept our insignificance, stop all seriousness and enjoy life as it comes, from moment to moment.

We must laugh at people making a big deals about small things. We must closely observe our own behavior and laugh about it too. Once we are completely familiar with negative aspects of the state of our being, then we know the "way out"... that's it.

The fear of life is generated from uncertainty of who we are.

Courage and optimism diminish with time.

As you grow older, as time is passing by, you are becoming more and more a coward. With age you lack the courage to do or endure unpleasant things. Some of you appear as cynics but actually you are just timid, easily intimidated person.

The house that you own, the money in retirement fund etc. do not really protect you. It fools you. There is no security or any rest in this world, the picture of old people on the beach is not realistic. It does not show, the pills for high blood pressure, diapers, the lack of sleep, rheumatism etc...

With the age, you start remembering the most embarrassing crap you did in your life with perfect clarity. The kind things you did will be pushed away, you will forget them. The bad things come out from the dirt of subconsciousness. Instead to correct yourself, you start correcting other people in your life, your kids, spouse, neighbors, co workers. With age you have a fleeting sense of superiority over younger people so they start to resent you.

Believe me, nothing worthwhile comes with age.

There’s no meaning to your life, no reward for achieving all the things you've achieved. And please, stop saying that things were better back then in your youth. When you were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Oh well.

Seriously, do whatever the fuck you want!

Trust yourself, really.

Do. Whatever. You Want. The life is your show. It is your universe. Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, you are completely on your own. Everything is available to you. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary for you.

Be courageous, enough to fulfill a life fully understanding that there is only a glaring nothingness awaiting you on the other side. Live, fight like it matters...

You are on your life journey. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so the answers to questions Is There Truth in Life? is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 53 years I have concluded that there is not such thing as truth. Everything that you know is false, there are only lies. You may have concluded something else... Does it really matter?



Share Share on Facebook Tweet Share on Google+

like on facebook
Most Popular:
Recent: