Monday, March 4, 2019

Living alone for the rest of my life


The other day, my daughter surprised me  with a question am I going to live with someone or would I prefer to stay alone. I did not know what to answer. Last week, I got the same question from my friend. It is a very good question and belongs to a long-term goals, which, unfortunately, I don't have.

I told her that the all probability is that I will stay alone for the rest of my life. I told her that I have nothing against being with a girlfriend, waking up together, loving each other, enjoying long conversations, cuddling and watching movies, going out and sharing everything and... well, living together.

But I have no such person in my life. Since my divorce I have dated a lot of women but I did not have a slightest wish to share my life with them. I was and probably I am still, an emotionally unavailable. The scars from my marriage are still raw and painful. I do not believe in love and sometimes I am wondering what is love all about.


So most of the time, I am alone.

The best part about it is that you really don't have to answer to anybody. If you're reading this so far, you're probably really bored and, at the moment, have no one to be with. Don't panic, it is a good thing, being alone is a not so bad place to be, besides the sense of boredom, or the feelings of isolation, you are being forced to confront your own thoughts.

It's said... there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Don't try to figure out the meaning of such empty phrases. Being alone is what you make of it.

Most people are not alone, they are living a married life, the life of quiet desperation; they worry, oh, how they worry, twenty-six hours a day! And what do you think they worry about?... They worry about their shitty marriage! What about us? What's in this shit for me? What's gonna happen to me? It is interesting, a sadistic egomania! So horrendous. But fascinating!

Generally speaking, life is a great thing. Although, people need divorce to move them, shake them up, and change their perspective. So sometimes divorce happen. It is usually an indication of the beginning of different kind of life. It is the beginning of a lonely life where you meet yourself more clearly.


I don’t believe in learning, books, articles, videos, or any other means of communication as a means of finding wisdom. Rather, I see them as a means of communicating false ideas. Real growth, real experiences can be traced back to the basic experience - the loneliness.

I met my girlfriend on July 29, 2016 a day before I left for my vacation. I did not have a clue that I will stay with her all this time. But somehow, besides basic differences, we do have many things in common. However, I am not sure that I would be with her if I am in a different stage of my life. She is still hiding me from her friends, relatives and of course her ex. I am not okay with that but on the end, it does not really matter.

I told all this to my daughter. I realized that I will stay alone for the rest of my life. Well not maybe alone but I'll live alone. And that is perfectly okay.



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