Staircases to Nowhere

Spiritual awakening is difficult, no difficult is not right word, it is impossible. The saints said if we let go of the need to be awaken, then we free yourself allowing wakefulness to unfold, and it comes to us. But, they warns us... it hurts like hell.

Indeed, since I started on this spiritual path I have discovered my own ugliness, my lies, pretense, hypocrisy, fears... seeing that is a pain itself. Fortunately I am not a thin-skinned, heart-oriented and addicted-to-comfort guy so I proceed. I have no hopes that I will rich enlightenment and yet...

In order to gain the ability to learn about myself, to have fun with my inherent hypocrisy, I've developed the capacity to see things as they are, which requires brutal self-honesty, ruthless self-investigation and self-observation.

Self-observation forces me to face my own demons. It pushes me to confront my personal stupidities and to question all authorities, especially myself. It forces me to face the abyss of this sad human condition, seeing clearly unavoidable truth: impermanence.

I've discovered that I am just another uninteresting mortal being. The discovery slaps me across face with its absolute mockery of my life. I face the universe and my existence as the almighty cosmic joke, making damn certain that I'm the subject of that joke.

For that reason, I cultivate a sense of humor. When I laugh at myself I loosen up. A bit. I suddenly go from being the subject of the joke, to laughing at the joke. I am allowing myself to be insane and to know that I'm insane. That is called the self-honesty.

Without self-honesty, I'm stuck with the comfortable day-to-day deception, suppression, oppression and finally depression. After this discovery that impermanence is only permanent thing in this universe I've started seeing my own lies. I've seen that everything I think, say and do are just projection of my lying mind.

So I see and I know, the walking on the path of awakening is a frightening endeavor. It shatters my beliefs, my worldview and dissolves my certainty. It replaces answers with questions and it touches me psychologically and physically. It changed my perception. I've started seeing things I may not want to see.

This is arguably the most painful. The culprit of all seeing is the seeing that I don't exist. So simple words which do not make any sense. Are they?

The essence of myself, this knowledge of I AM, will never admit this seeing, but it is there like an abyss staring into me. The real me is no-thing and it is so terrifying.

Yes, I am talking about ego annihilation process, a burning down of my expectations and hopes, a total disintegration of me as a "normal" human being. For me, the only way to proceed at this point is to accept humility, the scary, uncomfortable state of forgiving others and being out of everything.

The humility hurts because it is the ultimate letting go of myself. It’s a deep acceptance of the way things are, regardless of my needs and wants. It’s a flow with the events without the burden of my expectations.

Seeing impermanence, my lies and delusions and accepting humility gives me the courage to proceed further... climbing on a staircases to nowhere.