Do you know what does fickle means?

It is Friday, the fourth Friday since I met my girlfriend. This week I was out with my friends every single day. I am spending a lot of money, I am working a lot at my job and I am not doing any yoga. The things are simple rolling on its own and I am not so pleased with that.

My girlfriend will come tonight and we will have a wild weekend. But I am restless and fickle. If you don't know what "fickle" means, well, in recent days, I am changing frequently especially in regards to my interests and affection.

I don't watch TV news for the last 7 years and recently I have stopped reading newspapers on the internet. Wherever you look is some scare shit. I do not believe in anything they are writing. The universe is nothing more than a huge simulation, we're living inside a gigantic "computer", and none of this is real. Our life is nothing but a game.

A team of physicists has provided some of evidences that universe could be just one big projection and as soon as you are not looking, the things simply vanish, they are not there, but the real question is do you want to know about it? I don't think so.

We have no time for such trivial things. The life is pressing us so we go with the flow without ever exploring what it is that we are truly doing. I know there’s something wrong with this world, but I'm too lazy to look at it, too polite to complain, too scared to voice my opinion and too busy to see the obvious...

Writing a blog in recent days has become dangerous thing. There is no free speech and everyone can raise a concern and get you in trouble because you have written something offensive. I am seriously thinking to stop writing this blog.

The amount of bullshit around us is staggering.

I read an article about Harvard's 75-year study which reveals the secret of living a happy life. It took them 75 fucking years to discover that a good relationship makes the happy life. They study 300 people from early age to present day. They are still studying their life even now in their 90ties. The article is quite interesting but the study itself is just waste of time.

They say value love above all else. Meaningful relationships and connections matter a lot. Happiness is love.

What about not so good relationship? What is a good relationship, anyway? Life simply gets shittier as you grow old...

Growing old does not mean growing up in understanding. No one understands things better because there is nothing to be understood! We just laugh less and complain more.

The truth is simple... but terrifying. We live in shitty place with mistaken identity. We create our own reality, but we lack the energy to understand that.

We're too busy thinking how wonderful we are, how sensitive, how unique. We are not fucking unique! We are uninteresting, boring and predictable human appearances.

People imitate others... until they are old and finish in the hospital...

My mother died in the palliative care in January 2015. I was with her a month earlier and I spend considerable time in that department. The palliative care is the place for dying... I read an article about the last words of the patients there. Those patients in their last days has revealed the most common regrets they have at the end of their lives and they come in this order:

    I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
    I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
    I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
    I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
    I wish I had let myself be happier.

We are convinced that we're having a terrible life, and that most of the time we're making a fool of ourselves. But despite our feelings, our life is actually above average; we live quite a good life. There is no need to improve anything in our life just change the attitude.

It's very rare that someone gets all love, care and freedom when they are young. Most of  us are emotionally damaged adults because of our childhood experiences. So the first task of our life is to figure out who we are and what we want, independent of others.

We have the power to make it happen. Universe (hologram, computer game or not) have no choice but to give us what we want. Only predicament is.. we must know what we really want.