Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door


I was hesitant to write this post. I wrote it, couple times, but I deleted it never posting it. I want to get it off my chest expressing myself in a straightforward, honest way knowing truly that the honesty is not always the best policy.

What’s more, posting this full disclosure of major events of my life, I might actually bring down my current relationship!

Oh well, here we go...

In September 2011, after an episode, where I was walking 36 hours straight without rest, I've been told by doctors that I have incurable conditions of bipolar disorder. As Bukowski said "some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead?" apparently I had a very good life, my marriage made me crazy.

But lets go from the beginning.

At age of 29, I arrived in Canada with my 8 months old daughter, ex-wife and $10K cash money. I was learning English working hard as a dishwasher. After a year or so I got a job as a computer programmer. I bought the first apartment in 1999 which I paid it off 10 years later, and then I got divorced and I split everything with my ex.

In my 30s, I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, and to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I was struggling with my beliefs and with no real sense of what really matters in life. I used to drive BMW and wear expensive clothes...

Around 2000 a state of inner dissatisfaction appeared in my life, and it culminated in 2001. And that dissatisfaction with life was what I consider to be the most critical first step towards spiritual journey.

Although lacking clear direction I sensed that there was more to life than met my eye and that society as it is now and that our culture, religion, science, philosophy, and psychology were missing the point.

On January 2nd, 2001, I stumbled upon Emerald Tablets of Thoth. I tried to read it but I did not understand anything although I like it, so on that day, I started the search for truth. My intuition suggested that the esoteric books, especially theosophy possess knowledge of the "truth" so I read and studied it extensively for a year or two.

From Madam Blavatsky, I moved to Castaneda then Gurdjieff. For two years I was performing self-observation and self-remembering practice. I must admit, I had all kinds of "spiritual" experiences and I taught I'm progressing...

And then I started reading Ramana Maharshi. When I read his teaching for te first time I was shocked to find out that myself is nothing visible or perceivable. Then I studied  Nisargadatta, Ranjit Maharaj, and master Siddharameshwar.

All that time I practiced daily meditation in the form of zazen.

Back then I was spending all my time reading and practicing different spiritual practices so my marriage started to deteriorate. I did not pay attention to my wife, I was self absorbed spiritually "progressing".

I built a third room in our condo and I separated myself from my wife in order to have a peace for my spiritual work. I encountered psychological shock after shock about my own personality and my behavior.

I discovered my inner world of lies and frustrations. I discovered my own walking sleep. I started to reject questions of general society such as “what you do” and “what you have" and replaced them with with questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? What am I here for?

And than, the September 2011 happened, where after several days of sleeping 2 hours per night, I suddenly got up from my desk at work and just walked away on the street. It was about 10 am and I was walking that day, whole night and next day without stop, roaming on the streets of Toronto.

I was not tired, I was not hungry, it was just bliss. I had no fear walking during night, I saw magical world, the world of pure awareness... Btw. I will not write about it.

In the mean time, at my home there was a panic, my wife reported me as a missing person and police issued the search order for me. They caught me in the late afternoon of the next day and on my wife's suggestion they put me in mental department at St. Joseph Hospital for 4 days observation.

I was released with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and since that day I am taking medication. Abilify 5 mg. As I understand this medication lowers number of transmitters of dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin hormones in my brain. Apparently I have a large surge of those hormones and they are harmful to me because they make me high.

As a consequence of taking medication I have no mood changes, I see life as it is, no wishful thinking, no imagination and no up and downs. This is how my life is, I truly live in the moment. Maybe Abilify made me a stable but I lost bliss and ecstasy.

Two years later, in July 2013, I got divorced from my wife.

I'm blogging on my doctor's recommendation. He said it is good for me to go out and let my thoughts be known. So here I am.


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