Don't think of me

Sunday afternoon, a very pleasant February's day in Toronto. It is not so cold, the rays of sun fighting distant clouds. Not so many cars and people outside, it is peaceful long weekend. I am alone at home. My girlfriend just left and I have a feeling that she is not satisfied in our relationship.

She loves me, she bought me wonderful presents for Valentines Day, all with the card and chocolates. However, I feel I did not respond very well.

She is so carrying person, but I sharply cut her off saying that I don't need the care and attention. I was just honest and straightforward but maybe I've sounded harsh.

I am in a difficult situation, by writing a blog I would like to be honest and to the point but unfortunately, I cannot reveal all the details of my personal life. Not because of me, I really do not care what anyone of you who reads this think of me, but because of others. They still care what you  would think of them.

In the last year of my life, since I made my last will, I have changed my attitude towards relationship and love. I'm simply not into it so much like before. I'm free to say I've stopped believing in love.

I think the romantic love is just passing show of two people, that were complete strangers and they got together by the circumstances and they imagine there are strong ties between them.

My experience tells me that if something ties the relationship it is sex and nothing else. You may disagree with me and say that there are other factors that tie two complete strangers but that is just your wishful thinking.

Since my divorce, I've had more than 20 girlfriends. And I know very well that nothing lasts and nothing remains. Not even a memory. Those relationships were just a mirage of two people chasing after water thirsty for happiness, which they could not find, not because of them but because the water simply was never there.

When I think of my relationships I noticed that I was just an actor. Sometimes I played good sometimes I was clumsy. But... it doesn't matter.

I am thinking now, I am 55, maybe my time to quit dating has come. The art of loving is described by everyone, books, movies, religion, poetry... you name it, but the quitting dating is not mentioned anywhere.

In India, there is a custom that in old age or a terminal illness, a person gradually withdraws from food, medicine, and any other attachments in a manner that does not disrupt inner peace and dispassionate mindfulness. Religious prayers and scriptures then prepare that person for their final moments.

Such a way of dying is controversial in the West because of discomfort with the decision to control a person’s own death. On the West choosing to die is considered a sin so this is a taboo.

I am not so sure that we have a soul that passing through different incarnations where the death marks the transition of the soul from the current body to another.

I do not believe that we are changing the physical body in a manner similar to changing clothes or moving into a new house, I believe that all that exists, from the universe to the physical body are inside our self.

The particular characteristic of consciousness is it comes with food and it creates attention and that attention forcing us to believe that this particular body belongs to "me".

Refusing food in the old age is not a suicide, which is often a result of a mental illness or a passionate reaction to something, I see a person stop taking food in a calm, dispassionate manner with full awareness of what is happening to be a real hero, not eager to die in a helter-skelter way, laying down in some hospital but is willing to face the death with grace and self-control.

Anyway, back to the dating... Besides all the facts, I am still a hopeless romantic who is having a beautiful girlfriend which I don't want to hurt in any way. I just want to casually warn her that she has to think of herself, first and foremost.

Take care of yourself baby. 💖

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