Another day on this prison planet

Nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to come

They say the government will not relax the "stay home" lockdown in May. And that brings us to June or even July. And they further say, another wave of coronavirus pandemic shit will start in September. Meanwhile Sweden has no lockdown and it is doing much better than Canada. Just for the records.

I am so pissed off but I will not about politics, economy, vaccination and nano-chips. You know what guys, I've discovered that I am just another uninteresting mortal being. The discovery slaps me across face with its absolute mockery of this universe and particularly this planet. I face my life and my existence as the almighty cosmic joke, although I am laughing, I'm making damn certain to know - I'm the subject of that joke.

In this life I am only interested in awakening, in getting enlightenment, obtaining self-realization, call it as you wish. That is difficult, no difficult is not right word, it is impossible. Know Yourself is a main thing in life and in the process of finding out about myself I see only ugly, unpleasant, hurtful and dishonest things. The whole process of discovery hurts like hell.

Indeed, since I started on this spiritual path I have discovered my own ugliness, my lies, pretense, hypocrisy, fears... seeing that life is a pain itself. Fortunately I am not a thin-skinned, heart-oriented and addicted-to-comfort guy so I proceed further. I have no hopes that I will ever rich enlightenment but who cares, I am striving even harder with ruthless self-investigation and self-observation.

Somewhere in this process over the years, I've developed the capacity to see things as they are, and that makes me seeing things with brutal self-honesty. I'm not so concerned about other people, they're stuck with the comfortable day-to-day deception, oppression and depression. They are surrounded by lies and they itself has became a big lie. I can say this because I've seen that for myself, everything I think, say and do is just projection of my lying mind.

Waking towards enlightenment is a frightening endeavor. It shatters the beliefs, world view and dissolves any certainty. You start seeing things you may not want to see. This is very painful. The culprit of all seeing is the seeing that we don't exist, the "I" don't exist. So simple words which do not make any sense. Are they? So, I will not about that.

Many friends asked me how could I write so intimate post. They were so "concerned" about me. Let me tell you my friends, I am a crazy, I take medication for that - abilify to be precise. I do write what happened without concerns what you will think of me. Your thinking is your own problem, not mine.

Yes, I am talking about ego annihilation process, a burning down myself, getting rid of expectations and hopes, a total disintegration of me as a "normal" human being.

I see that for me, the only way to proceed at this point is to be free and accept humility, the scary, uncomfortable state of forgiving others and being out of all this shit.

The humility hurts because it is the ultimate letting go of my own self. It’s a deep acceptance of the way things are, regardless of my needs and wants. It’s a flow with the events without the burden of my expectations.

Seeing impermanence, my lies and delusions and accepting humility gives me the courage to proceed further... climbing on a staircases to nowhere.