Thursday, October 15, 2020

Interview with Zee Mark

I have taken the time to interview myself. You may think I sound crazy, but that’s already the fact, so lets move on.

Why this interview? Well, asking myself questions brings me closer to you - my readers. In writing this, there has been no new things, I just repeated what I already said on these pages but, if you first time read my blog, my answers may surprise you...

I'm really alone!

I am straightforward and honest, but there’s something that I just can’t accept, something that makes me want to vomit, it is in the moment when I am called a nice guy. I feel more freedom not being a nice guy. 

I'm extremely selfish and my selfishness is not related to money, I'm not a cheap guy who does not want to pay drinks for friends, no, I will give you a shirt from my back but the fact is I really do not care about you or anyone else. My selfishness is related to my single minded focus to gain self-realization.

I have realized that I'm completely alone in this world. I have friends but they are like my drinking buddies. We get together, we talk bullshit and we drink. That's all.

The excitement of being divorced has faded away

After divorce, 7 years ago, I thought I had nothing to give the world. What do I have to give? I know nothing about life. I thought life was merely a bunch of responsibilities, work, bills, kids, occasional sex and endless fight for who-will-control-who. I thought the best part of my life was what I experienced in my student years and now I was in for a boring and depressing future.

The truth of my divorce is... my heart was crying out for more life. More love, passion, adventure and definitely more craziness, but I didn't know what that meant or how to fulfill the urge for the freedom. All I knew is that I was married but alone and I'm now divorced but still alone.

The excitement of being divorced has faded away. I had 29 unsuccessful relationships in this period and that's quite enough.

The COVID-19 has killed the last reminders of a good time, dancing and dating. Now what is left is just to get together with my friends and sit in some patio and drink 3, 4, 5 beers, get drunk and go home to sleep. 

I'm an existential nihilist

I don't like the optimism, you know, hoping that something better will come. Nothing better will come, getting old sucks big way. Whoever told you that with age you will become smarter lied to you. You were young and stupid and then you are not young anymore.

I really don't like optimism, on another hand, I am not a pessimist either. I don't expect bad outcomes, I am not gloomy, joyless and unhopeful. Well, scratch unhopeful. I'm not a pessimist, I'm not an optimist, I am a realist.

The attitude is the thing. I'm a realist, and I'm here to set the record straight. Forget those glasses that can be half empty or half full, the glass could be filled to the brim or emptied to the last drop, it depends how thirsty you are.

I'm turning myself towards a new path

In life there is nothing to be happy or unhappy about. Life is not a serious thing. It seems to me that the way most people go on living, they think that the world is supposed to be a logical and consistent place. Well, that is not the case. All misery comes from our idea that the world is true.

We assume that if the world is true then we are also true. This self-importance is the main reason for the feelings of depression, sadness, emptiness, and anxiety. No matter how much we understand about life or don’t, we still have to do the living. I've reached a point when I’m happy with small things. I have no more expectations from life.

It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. The meaning of all of life is just to be alive. There is nothing here to be happy or unhappy about so I've stopped worrying. Things take care of themselves, so I intend the best. I'll live my life as it comes...

Ashtanga yoga is a main part of my life

I am doing Ashtanga yoga since May 2006. I am 55 and I still do daily half primary series. For how long I don't know. I am not an advanced practitioner, far from it. I do struggle a lot in my practice. There is no easy way to say this so let me just say it - Ashtanga Yoga is really hard. The half primary version of this practice is still quite challenging. It takes on average 45 minutes to complete.

The longer you practice the more you notice how hard it really is. It is utterly intimidating and defeating endeavor. In any sport by training it you gain strength and you increase the practice just like running or swimming for example... but that doesn't apply for Ashtanga Yoga.

There's no end game in Ashtanga Yoga; no big "accomplished day,” nothing specific you’re training for, nothing to achieve. It’s a constant hard work in progress, you can always go deeper into a pose, extending your ligaments and stretching muscles further to make the pose more challenging.

Practicing daily ashtanga yoga is boring, dull and hard, it does not allow any creativity and wishful thinking. It calls for a complete and total surrender. It is the practice of hopelessness which says that there is no way out... Asana, breath, drishti and vynasas are taking me away from myself... and that is most important.

Very few readers understand what I'm writing here

And that's perfectly fine. Well, It depends in which category my post belongs. All readers know what I am talking about in DAILY LIFE, YOGA etc... but very few understand AWAKENING category.

Writing a blog today is not easy. Everything is already written and all ideas are out there. The google search just about anything imaginable will reveal thousands of articles. It can be confusing at a time. So I stick to my own message that I want to convey to my readers and I repeat the same words in different ways...

For example, when I say that people are taking the life too seriously, I mean that they're turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worry about a bunch of things that simply do not matter. Our bare needs are a place to sleep, something to wear and to have two meals a day. Everything else is luxury to please our vanity.

The perception of the world is distorted by our beliefs about what it is and what it should be. And yes, the world plays around our excessive pride in our appearance, qualities, abilities and achievements. And I don't blame no one! People were lied to their entire life. They must investigate and find out the truth for themselves.

Truth?

Truth is... everything in this world, including our sense of ourselves, is FAKE. We are false, our world, aspirations and desires, our family, friends, neighbors, teachers, idols... our country, our job, our interests, striving, hopes and everything else... are just layers of bullshit, the one on the top of another.

We live our life just for one reason - to see through this pile of shit, to see falseness of everything. Instead we make our life serious by setting all kinds of goals - to finish prestigious university, to visit Paris, to see the Eiffel Tower, to complete this asana, to run a marathon, to swim with dolphins, to become rich, to be our own boss, to own a mansion, to drive a Corvette, to find true love - the list, mostly mundane and predictable, is endless.

We are trapped, this is what society wants from us. We live the life where goals, timelines, and deadlines are normal thing. Society tells us that setting and achieving is the only way to lead a fulfilling life, and thus the only way to be truly happy, and they say, we also need to enjoy the process in between - the “journey,” they call it.

We're on the journey following "Work Hard, Dream Big" so we have no time for introspection of our life, no time to think what do we really need and to see our real position.

The main reason for writing this blog

I'm not here to open eyes to anyone. I am writing because I am straight-forward. There is nothing here to be understood. With my articles on this blog, I'm NOT trying to set anyone free. I just want to clear up my mind and announce that I'm choosing a different kind of life.

I'm only telling to my readers that their life is a lie just like mine, but they should see that for themselves. If I'm not so convincing, so what? Continue living your wonderful life just as you did before.


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