Saturday, August 29, 2020

An open letter to my narcissistic ex

My Dear,

blue skies, sandy beach... look, I just named two awesome things. Cuddling, kissing, loving... you know what's awesome? EVERYTHING! Everything is awesome, everything is cool ... everything is awesome when you're living your dream.

Are you living your dream? Please suspend judgment. Don't read this letter with your common sense. You will never find out what I really want to tell you.

I am directing my words to you. You can say - I have read your bullshit and it is infantile. You're are boring. Don't write this shit...  I get it, I only want to tell you that common sense and wishful thinking are killing you. You hold onto them with all your strength without even noticing.

I don't go around and talk this to people. In reality, I'm not needy of your attention. I am a straightforward story teller. So I do this for you and the universe at first place and I see myself merely as the witness. That's all.

I will admit that until I met you, I had no idea what narcissism meant. I had to Google its meaning, and even then it took time for me to understand fully how this term fit you. It took months and years for me to step outside of our relationship and begin to get a glimpse into who you really are.

We are complete opposites. Your need for admiration and your sense of self worked well with my empathetic side. Looking back now, I can see all those long conversations where I stroked your ego only helped strengthen your control.

See, you always leave a safety valve in your life, whatever you do you have second option, you're trying to sit on two chairs. You don't take a responsibility that you are alive, here and now.

Do you want to live like your parents? Do you want to die like your mother or father? What are you going to do to avoid dying that way? I know the answer - Nothing. A terrifying moment, if you think about it, it is going to hunt you.

The thing is.. you are the center of the universe... Your universe is a string of detail, an avalanche of wishful thinking so actually you don't see the world, you merely interpret it on its own way.

This interpretation system made you lazy and cynical. What's happened to you? What's "real"? This hard, shitty, meaningless daily world? Why there is so much remorse in your life? Why? Because, you live with mistaken identity and wrong concepts.

The interpretation system can be interrupted, it is learned, not final. You got caught in the details of everyday life. There are options other than your life of habits and repetition.

Attention is only what you really have in this life. Your money, house, car etc.. are nothing. You only have attention. And they steal it from you, moment by moment, by routine, repetition and busyness.

Open yourself! Respond to this world with all you have, be fluent, eloquent, with a sense of urgency and be final and elegant. Feel time approaching you. Sense the urgency, the past is gone and there is no tomorrow.

As you are now, you're watching how time recede. You have to turn around and let the time comes on you. That way, there are no wishful thinking, nothing needs explanations, nothing is presupposed, nothing neatly explained.

I will tell you a great secret of life. There isn't one. Life has no explanation to give you.

I don't have a tendency to think what will come and nothing keeps me chained to the past. My life of last year, doesn't exist anymore. And I have no clue why I am still in your life. Are you looking for "love", "friendship" and "companionship"? Do you wake up in the middle of the night crying, "Does my darling loves me?"

You say... there's still so much that you want to do! What do you mean?

You have to learn to love again. They never taught you about love. They taught you how to seduce, to kiss, to envy, to fuck and hate. You don't even love yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have put yourself to live this life full of neuroses.

All your worries are by products of what you say... I have to do that, got that! I need, I must! I want it now! You are thinking you're the hottest pussy in town. You have never seen your life from the observer point, you have never had time for that.

See your life in the mirror of stranger eyes... See the patterns, the surrounding, your dialogues. Then get to your feelings, emotions. What are you saying? Watch! Don't analyze, just observe... you'll be shocked; you'll see patterns of repetition that will shock you.

And that's the inner you - pathetic and unloved. All you can do is put on an appearance of confidence sometimes. And after a while, others start to believe you because they are just the same as you.

I loved you once upon a time. I really did. I am sad now, but even in my sadness, I have come to realize each of us is responsible for our own lives. We must own the way we treat others. We must do our best to uplift and encourage people instead of knocking them down. You have made your choice, and it is evident in how you continue to treat those around you and those who have left you.

I have made my choice as well. Even now as I post this letter, I find myself concerned your feelings will be hurt. But that is when I remind myself this letter isn’t really written for you; it’s written for me.



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