Monday, September 14, 2020

Upward Facing Dog!!!

Last two days I was so busy at my job. I logged in at 6 am and worked until 6 pm both days. I just had a nap and I had a dream of a long black snake. I was trying to get her out of a house and I saw my hands and then I woke up. 

I have programmed myself when I see my hands in dream that I became aware that I am dreaming so the rest of the dream is like a lucid dreaming, I am aware that I'm dreaming. Then I fly trough the sky or explore surroundings... But in the last couple of years whenever I see my hands in dream I just wake up. My dream ends right there.

Anyway, it was not pleasant dream but it did not continue for long. I woke up, and I woke up ... where?

I don't just think this, I actually voice the question to myself - Where am I? What's going on? As if I don't know: I'm here and now. In my life. The present events and the world that covers my existence are not really touching me. Not that I particularly approve or disapprove these matters, this condition, this state of affairs, I simply don't care.

I am a quite happy guy

I know what you are thinking: well, you should be happy, you are smart and handsome, you look good, you are healthy... Yes, what you're saying is quite true, yet, my happiness is for another reason...

I am a single. I'm free. There is something more bitter than loneliness - it is being in a  relationship with a  woman who was not interested in the world I want to see and share, or she was too busy or preoccupied with other things or whatever.

It's extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any meaning, that life is essentially meaningless. It's very disillusioning to get that no matter what I might accomplish, it disappears like smoke in the air; that no matter what work I might attempt to perform, it's all insignificant in the end.

I really get this but I realized one more thing, because life has no meaning, because nothing really matters at all and everything is purposeless, then my worries and stress don't really matter either.

After writing a blog for almost 8 years I came to realization that whatever I may think I have understood, whatever is my knowledge, it is all bullshit. All teachings, practices, instructions are ideas. A grand idea is that I am growing up, becoming better and wiser, and I have come this way, that way. All that is bullshit.

I am only moving in ignorance, as long as I don't see my own helplessness, my life has no meaning. To become more and more convinced, to get more understanding about the falseness of life and the world, at the same time means to get more understanding of my true nature, and that is the only thing that matters.

What I really want is to live simple, stress-free, healthy life. And those things cannot come from outside, from the world. The world affairs are main source of confusion and doubts. The current situation in the world, this coronavirus pandemic, is planed for years, if not decades. People are now willing to give up basic freedom in the name of not getting flu. But I really do not care about that.

No more wasting time to prove something. I have walked away from opinions of others, not because I don’t care, but because they don’t. I accepted the fact that no one really cares about me. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s necessary for waking up.

I have no desire to make a difference in this world, I am only concerned how to live my life truthfully when everything around myself are lies and hypocrisy. I am consistent, I have a goal, an abstract goal, the one that is impossible to reach, the one that no one understands. And yet, I am striving to accomplish it.

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