Thursday, October 8, 2020

Somewhere over the rainbow

This afternoon I stood transfixed by the appearance of a great rainbow just in front of my condo. It was glorious, magnificent. I wanted to cry. It was so perfect and magical.

I woke up today very early, before 5 am. I am excited, it looks like I have found a girlfriend. I was with her on Tuesday night and we kissed and she promised to come to my place tomorrow night or Saturday during a day.

I received the paycheck today and paid bills. I also called the bank and renewed my mortgage 4 months ahead of original maturity date, due to big difference in the interest rates. I had 3.45% and now I got 1.9% the interest rate, that is like $160 saving per month. I was very pleased I did this early renewal.

During a day I had a long text messaging with my daughter and ex wife. They don't get along anymore and my daughter wants to move out. She wants to start living by herself. I support her in her decision and I will help her financially to get a good place for her.


Long weekend is coming, I want to return to the basics of my life: yoga, meditation, long walking, reading and just being. I have no plans to follow or something really set in stone. My life philosophy is very close to Existential Nihilism.

All my posts revolve around awakening and Existential Nihilism explains a lot. It's a philosophy that strips away of all delusions and leaves nothing behind but the bare naked truth that life is basically... meaningless.

People hate the nihilism because its terrifying to them.

They want to hold on to hope and they believe deep down that life has a meaning and a purpose. That's why they turn out toward religion which somehow makes everything easy.

Do you feel that you are alive but you are not living at all? Do you feel that everything is fake? Fake virus, fake news, fake governments, fake people... fake world?

And we, ourselves, we are also fake? If you really think about it, which I have no illusion you do, but when you really see your real position you may conclude that you are fake just as everything else around you. And to get that it's very depressing, isn't it?

It's extremely melancholy to realize that you have no intrinsic value at all, that you are essentially meaningless.

It's very disillusioning to get that no matter what you might accomplish, it disappears like smoke in the air; that no matter what service you might attempt to perform, it's like an insignificant grain of sand upon an infinite beach.

Are you recycle? Are you fighting to save planet? It doesn't matter. It's all insignificant in the end. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow then in a hundred years, then in a thousand, million, billion. The universe don't even notice you.

All the meaning of your life, world and yourself is supplied only by your imagination.

You have a millions of judgments, this is good, that's bad, this should happen, that shouldn't happen. Existence has no imagination, it just going, moving on. All the "good," "bad," "right," "wrong,", "hopes" and "regrets" etc. is supplied by you, my friend.

Life doesn't care about any of this. Whatever you or I might ever do to make a difference in the world in a little corner of our world is meaningless, empty. In fact, all is emptiness, everything is completely empty, we are just like empty characters in a video game, or like a robot in a machine factory pondering what its meaning is.

Present situation of this shitty pandemic introduced by the forces that want to protect us, such an irony, is a classical example of emptiness. It gives you a glimpse that life has no intrinsic meaning, because nothing really matters at all, everything seem masked, lysolled, drained, bleached. Everywhere you looked, everyone you looked upon, including yourself is just emptiness, nothing, it is all without any meaning.

But here is a twist my friend, if nothing matters then neither anything else matter. 

Your fears, worries and anxiety do not matter at all.

After you have being miserable in this state of pandemic, feeling this bitter reality of constant fear feeding from everywhere, OMG, the whole thing suddenly "flipped" by your realization that your fears and worries don't mean anything either.

The very thing, this lack of meaning and insignificance that had depressed you so much can suddenly became a source of great joy. So much so that you will burst out laughing.

The fact that nothing matters is actually a source of great liberation. It's very freeing to realize that nothing matters at all, because that whole weight of trying to make life "make sense" or "go the right way" or "look like this" drops away.

In its place is just reality, exactly as it is, with no meaning at all in the usual sense and yet incredibly magnificent and beautiful, the very rainbow forever shining.

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