I am not my body, feelings and thoughts...then, who am I?

If you don't follow my blog but you came here because my sister has died and you are reading posts about my pain, you might wonder what I'm actually writing about here. Well, I'm writing about awakening, yoga and daily life. I am writing about my struggles to became self-realized.

I don't say self-realized person because I know very well there is no such thing as "person". My life's goal is to reach enlightenment and to know who am I.

Since the lockdown started, I have noticed, as the days are passing, I tend to go more and more negative. That's not so good so I will slowly change my attitude.

Looking into mirror, I see pores, dark circles under my eyes, freckles... Not enough fresh air, not enough sun. 35 days to summer but Toronto weather is still within one digit range. Today will be high of 9 C.

What should I do with my life?

This is a simple question but I struggle to find answer. Sure, there are lucky people who seem to be so busy that they think they know exactly what they want to do.

It seems to me I am always on the beginning. I went through so many beginnings in my life. I remember that July 1984, after the farewell to army party, I sat with my mom on the bench and I told her, mom I am going to the army service and after that I will never return back here where I am born. We both cried because we knew that was true.

I got out from the army service in August 1985 and in October I started my mechanical engineering studies at Belgrade University. It was a new beginning, a new life for me. I completed studies in August 1992 and with my ex wife we went to Sweden. New beginning again. In Sweden we applied for immigration to Canada and we got the papers.

Also the new beginnings were when I got married, when I became a father, when we arrived in Canada. In Canada I started as a dishwasher in various restaurants and finished as a computer consultant having my own company. Then I got divorced in 2013, again a new beginning, completely new way of life for me...

And now when my sister died I am on the new beginning again. What I lived so far is finished, I have to find new ways to survive this pain and this anger of what have happened.

You've got your own struggles, no doubt about it. You've probably lived in different places,  tried a few different careers already but you haven't found one that you truly like. And now, from a different reasons, just like me, you're asking the same question as me - what to do next?

I cannot help you. I don't know what you and I might do next. But I still have curiosity to find out who am I. In general, most people don't even understand what that means, what actually I am looking, searching and living for; they do not wish to know themselves. Curiosity and wonder are dead.

For those who believe in God, this question is answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula about soul, heaven and hell, the answer is unknown. In my case, I am my own god. I struggle to unlearn all the teachings of the schools, religion, state, and our society in general.

I have also stopped searching for truth. There is no truth in this wold to be found. It looks like to me that we are here for a short period of time in order to have fun. Life has no meaning unless you want to fool yourself.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace till the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle! Life is but a shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.  - Shakespeare, MacBeth

I wonder about many questions.

I wonder Do other people exist when I am not in direct contact with them? I, as center of universe have all kind of relationships. I play my role as a father, son, brother, boyfriend, friend, lover, co worker, neighbor etc.. What if all these people that I know are there only as far as I am paying attention to them, when I am in a direct contact to them. Interesting question, you must admit.

How can I leave something as a reminder of this life to my next life? And that brings me to next mysterious question: Did I left a reminder from previous life for this life? Did I? What that can be? I find the fact that I don't remember previous lives to be very cruel.

What if dreams are more real, than what I perceive to be my waking life? What if waking life is also just a dream, a fantasy.

Sadly, to this day, I did not found answers due to repetition, grades, discipline, useless tasks, socializing... step by step I became a person with desire to please others around me. Unfortunately we live our life for others until we became too old to handle the world and we finally die, again returning to the state of not knowing "ourselves".

After 20 years of my sincere investigation I have concluded that life is not a simple lie, it is a hypocrisy. It gives us the notion of free will. I'd say it's important to believe in free will in our daily lives. We need a concept of free will to hold others and ourselves accountable. But unfortunately there are different factors that govern our behavior — the free will does not exist.

Life is really ridiculous!

I mean, you were born on certain date and until around 2 or 3 years old you didn't know yourself, and then suddenly "I am" notion appears and you start knowing yourself. If you lucky enough not to go to kindergarten, very soon in school, you will find out that the life is some serious shit.

By living your life, every single day you are faced with a million little things that encourage you to take the life seriously. You are so self-centered so many things bother you. I am free to say that your life is nothing but one frustration after another.

When I say that you are taking the life too seriously, I mean that you're turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worrying about a bunch of things that simply do not matter. Our bare needs are a place to sleep, something to wear and to have two meals a day. Everything else is luxury to please our vanity.

Everything in this world is fake.

In my investigation I have concluded that we are living with a wrong sense of ourselves, we are living with false identity. Basically we are fake, our world, aspirations and desires, our country, job,  interests, striving, hopes  and everything else... are one layer of lies on the top of another.

I have clearly seen that we live our life just for the one simple reason - to see through this pile of shit, to see falseness of everything. Instead we do opposite, we make our life serious by setting all kinds of goals - to finish prestigious university, to visit Paris, to see the Eiffel Tower, to complete this yoga posture, to run a marathon, to swim with dolphins, to become rich, to be our own boss, to own a mansion, to drive a Corvette, to find true love - the list, mostly mundane and predictable, is endless.

Unfortunately, this is what society wants from us. We live the life where goals, timelines, and deadlines are normal thing. Society tells us that setting and achieving is the only way to lead a fulfilling life, and thus the only way to be truly happy, and they say, you also need to enjoy the process in between - the “journey,” they call it.

We're on the journey following "Work Hard, Dream Big" so we have no time for introspection of our life, no time to think what do we really need and to see our real position. There is nothing here to be understood and yet now it is so clear to me what I should do in my life. I will leave the world as it is and continue my search for who am I.